Time for me to go to church. I will check in later. Try to do something fun today.

Just came back from church. H is gone with mo trace as usual. But I am very tired. I will go ot take a nap.

I can't believe myself. This bad feeling is still bothering me so much.

I talked to my sister. Finally, she said that you are still putting your H in your mind too much. I admited that. How do i let go. I prayed, I read books, I tried to tell myself to let go. I played with kids. But none worked. Someday, I feel better, but not today and yesterday. I hate myself not being able to let go. It hurts.

I wonder if I go on Plan B, will it be less painful?

That's just part of the normal grieving. I was a mess for a couple of months. Yes Plan B is much better because when you don't see or talk to them, you start thinking of other things. But too early for Plan B for you yet.

I had a great day today. I took my boys and their friend out to breakfast. Then I was supposed to help sail a boat down the coast 60 miles. But I found out it would take about 9 or 10 hours.

Instead I drove down with a neighbor and dropped off a car for the sailers to ride back in. We walked around the marina and watched the boats. It was very pleasant.

You will get to this point again too, where life is good. It just takes time and going through the pain. I know, not much help. When I first found out and people here told me things would get better, I always thought, not for me.

Yes, sister keeps talking to me.
i know i have to go through this.

And you will go through this, and the awful hurt will end. I went for days, staying up all night, not being able to eat, being a zombie at work, staring at the walls. I never thought I would enjoy life again.

But after a while, the hurt gets less, you understand more of what is going on, you see others here listening to the same fogtalk, and then you start feeling better. You realize that while you love your H and want all of this to go away, you can survive and thrive without him.

You have been a good faithful wife, kept your vows, and are being a good mother. You will reap what you sow, and so will H and OW. Hang in there and wait for the miracle to occur.

Thanks believer. That is what my sis said too. I myself experienced miracle. I do have faith. I know that GOD will give me an answer. I just can not see it yet. But HE knows, because he controls everything.

Hi Believer and L&H

How are you ladies? I am glad that you are both chatting and doing good today. Thanks for answering my last post L&H it is very hard. And it is very sad also for the kids. If you reread my post again I have decided to go to Plan B. Melodylane and Octobergirl and Just J all think it is time. Mostly because of my emotional state and my LBing all the time. Today was so wonderful though hugging him and kissing him again. First time in 5 weeks anyone has even hugged me. It is hard to have him walk away again. Anyway thanks for your support and I will be writing my PBL tonight while bathing son and I will certainly post it. I do hope life gets better for me as I am sick of being so sad all the time. Keep your chins up even though it is tough I am certainly trying also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ahem. I wish one of you would post on general questions about your fears for the kids. Lots of members here going through the same thing. It makes a sad situation even sadder.

I even don't know what to say. He basically is not here. he doen't interact with them much. S just said that he deosn't care, because he is not with us. S is sad, her way to cope is to find her own friends.

Okay, I just read all 17 (!) screens of posts, so I may have missed a few things because I was reading quickly. I think that it's time for you to get ready for Plan B, lostnhurt. I think it might take you a couple of weeks to do it, but it's time to get ready.

Here's a checklist of things that you can do in the next few weeks. It's not the complete version because I can't access it right now, but it's a lot of it.

- Install spyware (www.spectorsoft.com) on the home computer.

- Decide whether you're going to kick him out or move out yourself. (I prefer you kicking him out, so that's the assumption I've made for the rest of this.)

- Write a Plan B letter.

- Change the locks.

- Tell WH's family about the affair and that you want to save your marrage.

- Tell WH's boss the same thing.

- Expose the affair to any colleauges that you think are influential with him. Tell them about the affair and that you want to save your marriage.

- Start calling the colleagues that he's told you he goes out with to let them know that he's using their names as alibis. Tell them about the affair and that you want to save your marriage.

- Decide how much time you want your husband to have with the kids and set up a schedule that works for you. Put it in the Plan B letter.

- Separate your finances from your husband's. That means closing joint checking and savings accounts, closing all the cell phone accounts, taking his name off the car insurance policy, getting your own health insurance, taking his name off the utility bills,

- Prepare your work by letting them know not to allow him into the workspace and not to allow his calls to come to your phone (if they can do that).

- Identify an intermediary (if you use an e-mail intermediary, it can be anyone on the planet) who will handle urgent stuff and emergencies for you. Put that person's name in the Plan B letter.

During all of this planning, it's important that you really focus on it and make a solid plan. Since you still live together, you will have to think hard and carefully to know how to extricate yourself and the kids from the situation. This is more important than continuing to worry about what your WH is doing at 3am.

And now I must stop. My hands are killing me (too much typing) and I've been in the office for 11 hours now. If I weren't in Plan B, I'm sure my WP would think I was having an affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Just J,

Thanks for all your time. I did not post the conversation we had Saturday. I am very confused and hurt.

This morning we had another short conversation. he majorly complained our sex life. He went back 16 or 17 years ago. He said that during our marriage and coutship together, there wer only very few times we had good sex, the rest of the time he was suffering because I was not interested in it. He said that maybe it was my fault that I did not treat you nice enough, but I tried. I said that I did not understand man's need, now I know. He said it is no use to go back. I agree. He muttered, we can start again. But I am not sure this sentnce is from his heart.

On Saturday, we talked about an hour, it covered different aspects of our problems. he mentioned that he wanted to spend more time with the kids, and we will go for short trips. I should not put too much hope on that.

Yesterday, he didn't come home till 9:30pm. He said he was at work. I believed him. When he came home D asked for dental wax, he went out to buy it immediately.

I really don't want to go to Plan B if it is not necessary. He mentioned several times that he can move out if I want to. I wish the problem can be solved at this stage. Should I jsut wait for few more weeks. I am very very confused.

The MB pprogram is Plan A for 3 months, if possible. Only you know when you have had enough. If you start LB'ing (which you have done a great job not doing) or start losing your love for him, time for Plan B.

Anyway I would let OW's H know about plans for Thursday night. Keep letting him know something is going on. Also let OW know that you know and are going to continue to inform her H. She needs a little more pressure on her side.

Just called H at work and asked him to go out for lunch. He said he is too busy.

Am I too pushy? How I want want my H back! But when i read the Bible, it tells me that no anxious, be patioent, no worry. I really want to do that. I need to pray.

Talked to cousin on the phone. She told me everything I was told on this board. Be doog to yourself. Make the change myself. Let him see that I am more valued than OW. I have to do this for myself.

It is so hard, but I have to do it!

You can do this.

I am having a spring break now. So the whole week I am home.

Today, I just finished sorting out the tax documents. I will do some cooking and cleaning later. Then pick up the kids. I don't expect him to come home.

Here is what happened during the weekend.

H and I had a talk on Saturday. Satruday afternoon, he left the house for about 4 hours, then came back for dinner. He said that he will have to leave again for work. But he started like this. J is him, M, is me:

J: Let's get a divorce. We are both so painful.

M: Can you tell me why we need a divorce?

J: We are so incompatible. Look, we don't like to eat the same thing, we don't have the same interest. Our sex were so bad.

M: I agreed that I neglected you in sex and made you disappointed. But we can start over. The other area, I can improve too.

J: You don't have to change. It is impossible to change. You don;t have to work so hard now. I know that you are being nice to me. But you don't have to. Find someone who is more compatible with you.

M: I am nice to you is because I love you. It is not hard. The hardest part is that you are not home. That broke my heart. I want my husband back.

J: Look at our house, it is so messy.

M: Can you show me where the mess is?

J: You never decorate the house, I told you not to take piano lesson, but take the decoration lesson to make our house nicer. Look at all the cabinets, they are full of kids school works, they are ugly.

M: I thought that I was so proud of our kids. I didn't know that you don't like the work.

J: Look at all the dust, I am sick of it.

M: I will clean them.

J: I know that it is not fair to you if I leave now. I will give you some time. You are so down now, I don't like it. Go out to have some fun. I know that if I am back to you now, you will be better immidiately, but I can't now. You should have your own friends.

M: I had put all my attension to the family, I don't have friends.

J: I know you love this family and work hard on it. But you fail to keep it up.

Then he left.

After few minutes, the phone rang, he called me from the car.

J: I am sorry that I left. Why don't you take the kids out for dinner.

M: I already cooked. They are fine. I was playing game with them.

J: You are right, I should spend more time with them. let's go to places with them together.

M: That's good.

J: You know what, you never understood me. You don't know when I am happy and when I am sad. But I know you.

M: I do. But I just didn't know what to do to make you happy. S. Harley wanted to talk to you to get your perspective about me, but you didn't want to talk to him. So I did a questionare by myself. Do you want to hear what I wrote?

J: Ok.

M: The first thing is that you are not satisfied with sex. SOmetimes I didn't repect you.

J: We do have those moments. We disrespect each other.

M: Sometimes I made demand too.

J: Do you remember last time when my parents were here, we almost got divorced? You were so nice to me, then we didn't get divorced. But few months later, you were back the same old. I don't want to go through that again.

M: I really didn't realize you wanted a divorce last time. I thought it was the problem caused by parents. What did ot make you change your mind?

J: You were just becoming nice to my parents again. I still loved you that time.

M: That was not me. That time I was so painful and I didn't know where to get help. I turned to Jesus. That was the time I bacome a believer. Pastor Lee taught me to be nice, overcome the resentment. I couldn't do it myself without the love from Jesus.(Iwas crying).

J: It is always good to be nice. You are not generous enough.

M: I am working on it.

J: I arrived to work. you can call me, my cell phone is on.

M: Don't work too hard. I miss you.


That night he didn't come back till 4am.

Sunday, he disappeared again. But later he told me he was at work.

This morning, we had brief conversation again.

J: I thought you don't need sex.

M: That is not true. Women needs some atmosphere to do it.

J: For so many years, we have the atmosphere, you didn't like it. For so many years together, I only had few memories that we had good sex. First, we had good ones, then you claim that you had to write your dissertation, things just die down. Then we got married, you were the same. Only after last time, we were about to divorce, you were good again, but it didn't last. I was in my 20's and 30's in those years.

M: I am sorry to let you suffer. I really didn't know about that. I thought you were just being bad always thinking about it. Now I know after reading these books. I wish I've read the books earlier.

J: It is no use to go back.

M: You are right. But ...

J: Start over again. (sigh and slowly shaking his head).

M: I love you very much.


Thats all.

I tried to ask him to go out for llunch today, but he said he is too busy.

Please let me know what you think. People are telling me that I should go for Plan B. I don't know what to do.

Okay, he has told you he wants the house cleaner, so you can work on that. Check with flylady.com. Also declutter. It sounds like he does not like a lot of things around.

You can decorate very cheaply, and check out the feng-shue or however it is spelled.

The rest of his comments are fogtalk. Ignore it. He has OW, that is the problem with your marriage. So take this week to rearrange, clean and decorate. It can be lots of fun. Get your sister or cousin or a neighbor to give you ideas.
My neighbor helped me and all we did was declutter and rearrange things.

Hang in there. I think Plan A needs to go for several more weeks. But keep a list of JustJ's great advice for Plan B.