Hi D2-<P>I don't think I have posted on anything you have written before but I read this one and felt the need to send my prayers and hugs your way. Ya know-I think all of us feel that the only way to end the pain is to end our life. As easy as that sounds we all know it only hurts those who love us and get left behind to wonder why we did such a terrible thing. In the last 7 months all I have thought about is ending my pain-and the only way I can see to end it is by ending my life. But I haven't got a backbone-nor the desire to do such a thing. I have taken medication for the last 6 years for anxiety. When it ws time for me to get a refill the pharmacy said my doctor wanted to see me before giving me any more meds. So I went in-he asked me if I felt I could go off the meds. I told him no way-not right now-as much as I would love to be able to I told him there was way too much stress in my life for me to consider it. He dug a bit deeper and got a confession out of me about the betrayal. In less than five minutes time he saw that I desperately needed counseling and has referred me to a counsler. I will at elast attempt the therapy as I haven't got a thing to lose at this point of the game. I hope it helps as I am tired to of feeling so down, so angry, so hurt, so damned unable to function normally. Please for all here who DO care about you-go see your doctor and get a referral. Or go find a good counsler and see if it can help-everyone says it does help so there must be a bit of truth to it. I will pray for you and if I can be of any help please let me know.<P>HUGS for happiness-<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

10-1/2 months ago, I remember feeling the way you do. I wanted to get rid of the pain, and take the easy way out. However, I kept thinking about my kids. My H wasn't being a good Father to them and they needed me. In fact, he was hardly ever around. Who would be there for them?<P>It would be so selfish to take my life and disregard all the people who would suffer from my selfish act. At that moment, I decided that my life is worth more than the hurt and devastation due to my H's infidelity.<P>I worked on my self-esteem, which had been broken from what my H did to me. I began to love myself again and I realized that what was going on in my life, was something I couldn't control. Sure, I was part of the downfall in my marriage, but I never encouraged my H, or gave him permission to have an affair. That was his choice, and only his.<P>Please don't give up. You've held on this long and you are a strong person. Go to counseling. Keep coming here for support. Remember that God will never leave you. Prayers are with you.

NoTrust;<P>How did you find self esteem again?

Hi Dev...<P>When I found out about my H's affair, I started to make excuses for my H to justify his affair.<BR>I used to go to the mirror and say cruel things to myself like, "No wonder he doesn't want you. Look at you! Who would want you anyway. I would leave you too!"<BR>(Really...there was nothing wrong with me, but I kept trying to convince myself that I wasn't worthy and that's why he had OW).<P>I was depressed, angry, bitter and hibernated in my bedroom for 2 days. I couldn't even take care of my kids properly. I was so out of it! One of my friends, finally convinced me to come with her and her kids (along with my kids)...just to go out window shopping and for dinner. I looked terrible from all the crying but I forced myself to go. She gave me a pep talk and told me that there was nothing wrong with me. She explained that my H was mentally ill for doing the crap that he was doing to me & the kids. I can't control my H, but I can do something about myself.<P>When I got home, I called some of my family. They told me the exact same thing and were very supportive of me (for whatever I should decide to do).<P>I decided to start working on me. I wanted to be strong for myself and my kids, especially if my H left me. I knew that if we ended up divorced or separated, I would end up being a single mother. So first, I needed to work on my self-image. I knew that if I started to like myself, then mentally, I would grow strong too. I would be strong enough to handle whatever my fate turned out to be.<P>I woke up each morning by fixing myself up (makeup, hair, nice & neatly dressed). Got the kids ready and just went out. It didn't matter where....just went out...visited friends, window shopped, did activities...kept busy busy busy! In the evenings, I exercised by walking daily with the children. I attended a support group (Al-Anon since my H is an alcoholic....he's recovering now), went to therapy, went to church, prayed, kept a journal, read books about what I was going through so that I could understand the dynamics of affairs, constantly called friends & family for support, started posting on MB.<P>I worked on myself and Plan A'd (even though I didn't realize I was Plan A-ing at the time). I did my best to be the best person and parent anyone would be proud of.<P>I also accepted whatever my fate would be. But at least, I knew that I did my best.<P>Fortunately, things went in a positive way (although it was a rough ride getting there). My marriage has almost recovered.<P>Just remember that you are loved. There is a reason why God gave you the gift of life. You are worthy of that precious gift. <P>Everyday, I thank God for just being alive...being able to watch my children grow....being grateful for just being here.<P>Life is precious. Think of all the people whose lives you affect...your children, family, friends. Look outside at the beauty of god and in yourself. You have so much to offer...so much to give.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited January 03, 2000).]

NoTrust;<P>Thank you for your reply. As I told Christine, I am slowly coming out of the fog I was in. Despair is such a horrible place to be. I am trying to concentrate on the good and gifts of life. And I thought today I would put my sorrows on canvas. Get them out of me and project them in a creative outlet. I use to do so much in this area of creativity and haven't for so long. <P>Even my daughter said I don't draw or paint anything anymore, why? she asked. I said I hit a block. SOME BLOCK. Thank you again for your words of encourangement, they mean a lot to me as does everyone here.<P>I am hangin in and hangin on right now and praying.

No Trust, Thank you for your reply to D2. I really needed to hear to same encouragement offered to D2 about self esteem.<P>D2: Hang in there, theclouds will lift soon. My kids eyes are my salvation for pushing on in life, even if it means that I'll be doing it alone.<P>Good Luck!

Alsolost,<P>Thank you for being concerned about me when you are feeling so bad yourself. If we learn to lean on each other when we need encouragement we all just might get through this agony and come out winners. My prayers and thoughts are with you. If you need to talk anytime let me know and I'll give you my e-mail address. The more support we give each other the better it can only get. I'm sick of the this pain, the doubts and all of it that has made me feel ugly inside and out.<BR>We do have worth. Keep saying this, and keep looking at the eyes of your children and I will do the same. She needs me and I need me. So I'm beginning that journey through this tunnel to find that sunny day, let's walk through together, O Kay?

<BR>D2: Hang in there... About a year ago I can remember laying on my bedroom floor crying harder than I had ever before.. But I got through this time, just like you will..<P>Everyone here has given you wonderful advice.. For me, it helped to keep busy, and take care of myself.. I bought some nice clothes, took care of myself.. Did a lot of things with friends..<P>My h was gone, living with the ow, and I was filing for divorce.. We even had agreed on a division of our assets......<P>D2,,, We got back together 7 months ago.. He moved home......He still was in withdrawal, and we fought this thing together.. During this time there were many times that he had slipped.. We would take 2 steps forward and one back.. But the important thing was that we made progress..... <P>You can do this if I did... You are stronger than you will ever know...... We are all hear for you!!!!!