LNH,

Just checking in on you. I enjoyed talking with you this morning. I hope you were able to get out a little today.

My morning went very well, but now I'm very, very low again. WH had actually agred to take me out to dinner tonight (agreed last night and seemed okay with the idea).

Didn't call by 4pm today so I called cell and of course, no answer, so called mutual friend (who I have now decided is NOT a friend). He was there. Fine, she put him on the phone. He sounded like he'd been drinking so I asked if he rode the cycle down. He did. I told him I wanted to go out, but that he had no business driving the cycle home. He hung up.

I called back. No one would answer phone, so I left a message asking what was up, and asking someone to call me back and let me know if he was okay to drive.

Of course mutual not-friend called, AFTER they let him leave, and started in on me about calling and then calling back and what was she supposed to say and it didn't do any good to call back after he hung up, blah, blah, blah.

I was angry. Told her I wanted to know where he went. She didn't know, but started in on me about how maybe is unfair but that since I won't talk with her about things anymore, she didn't feel she needed to talk to me. I told her I've been hanging back because I"m afraid something else will come out that I don't want him to know (like her telling him about the door).

She got mad and started defending herself. I got mad and started down the path of "why does he get to spend all the money and I don't even have enough to send DS to college?"

Dumb statement on my part. She lit into me about what I spent on Jennifer's session and how wasteful that is and how that money should go to DS's college. Again, I said, I am stuck w/house payment and home equity loan because WH is now going to live in camper that was supposed to be sold. I said, "You're never going to admit that he is doing anything wrong or should take any responsibility, are you?"

That made her even agrier and she said she was done with the conversation. I told her I wouldn't be calling her again until he decided one way or the other what he was doing.

But now I've also left three text messages (kind, and fairly simple) on his phone telling him I am sorry if I accused him of something that wasn't true, but that I worry about his safety, and that I would still like to go out with him if he's willing. He hasn't called back, so tried to call him. Of course, no answer.

I'm sure I ran him right back to OW's arms again, because she likes nothing better than to drink the weekend away.

I hurt. That's all I can say. I just hurt really bad again and I want to just crawl in a hole and dry up.

I was going to hold out and not Plan B until after he decided what he was going to do about housing at the end of the month, and was even maybe going to wait until DS's graduation because of all that goes on between now and then.

I can't imagine not hearing from him at all. I just know he's never coming back again. I talked to my DD's friend's mother today when I picked her up and her mother's father left his wife after 20 years of M and M the OW. His own father did the same thing.

This is what MY WH's father did--after about 19 years of M, he left and M the OW. Now I'm at 19 years of M. It's like a horrible pattern repeating. I want him back SO bad.

And in my gut I just have this feeling that it's over.

I really do think if your WH is seeing an OW who is M already, that you have a much better chance of the A ending and getting him back.

I am sick right now. And I haven't eaten because I've been busy. And I'm trying to mow the lawn and can't figure out how to get the stupid bag back on the mower. I'm about to pass out from the heat.

I feel very unloved and lonely right now.

LL

LL, I really concern about you. Do you want me to call you? Did you have dinner yet?

I may soon have the lawn mowing problem. I've never touched the lawn mower before. I may have to hire someone to do it. Fortunately it is not that hot here yet, i don't need to mow the lawn, let him waorry about it now.

I finally got the lawn mowed, once I figured out how to put the bag back on. Without an instruction manual, I'm stupid at things like that. Now my problem is that I need to fertilize. I bought the stuff, but I can't get our drop spreader out of the garage attic. I have NO IDEA how he got it up there, but it's stuck. So I guess that will wait.

No, I haven't had dinner yet. I haven't even had lunch. I had breakfast right after you and I talked. Then I ran a couple errands, picked up DD from friend's house, took her to another friend's to pick some things up and by the time I got back home, it was time to go to the salon for my hair-color appointment. Didn't get out of there until 4:30 and then DD called again. She and friend were at a picnic at a lake on the other side of town and needed a ride home. So back I went to pick them up.

On the way to pick them up was when I placed the call and found WH at mutual person's house, and well, you know the story from there.

I feel awful. I'm doing everything I know not to do. Everything I told you not to do (BECAUSE I know not to do it). I've pushed him right back into OW's arms.

I need to go to a real Plan B and I need to do it now. I need to write the letter, again, and give it to him and mean it and stick to it and just, as he says, "buck up" and deal with life. I am miserable right now. And my house is really hot because I didn't turn the A/C on yet because it's only April, but now it's almost 90 degrees in the house. (It was finally turned on a few minutes ago, but will take hours to cool down the upstairs.) It's too early to sleep.

And you know what. I really DID feel good this morning. But I think it was a combination of talking to someone (you), having such a nice time yesterday on the ride with him, having hope that he was going to take me out tonight, and then the sun coming out and warming up the day very nicely.

Now it's almost dark, I'm lonely, and it hurts.
I have to get something to eat from somewhere or I'll be really sick tomorrow. How late are you up usually?

LL

LL, I am sorry for what you've been running through. Go back to Plan B, you should feel better.

I was talking to my sister, then I fixed the dinner. And ORchid called me, because i called her earlier. I didn't feel good untill talking to Orchid, she is really bright. We had a good laugh on WS scripts. I feel much better now. Then I did some prepartion for tomorrow;s sunday school. Kids are still watching TV. I have to get them to bed. I usually stay up late, I can call you.

LNH,

I'm still alive. Feeling a wee bit better since going out with DD to pick up some food and to Target for a few things. Hopefully I've calmed down enough that I can go to sleep soon and sleep through the night.

I really do need to go to Plan B. I know. I wish now that today had never happened and that we'd have just left everything the way it was yesterday, with the great memories of the motorcycle ride and laughing, and then go to a Plan B at that point. Now we have ugly things between us to think about again.

He hasn't called at all tonight. Hasn't left messages. Nothing.

Plan B actually feels like it might be peaceful, and then I start thinking about how I won't get to hear his voice or know he's okay, and how I might not for weeks, or months, or ever--until he decides to file for D and we have to deal with it or something. I am just so afraid of losing him, and even though I know what I'm doing right now isn't making things any better, it's like I'm frozen. I can't make myself make that decision.

I do have a new Plan B letter written just in case. It is not really like what Dr. Harvey gives as an example in his book, and is too long, but if I get closer to giving it to him, I might ask for your input on what you think of it.

I enjoyed talking to you this morning, and hope to again soon. I'm sure you had a good conversation with Orchid. She seems to have such good advice and posts on here. And she's a success story.

Along with posting here, I sent you an email as well.

Take care.

LL

LL, Got your e-mail too. I feel the sadness for you, actually I am in the same boat. Last night I called you, your home phone was busy, ileft you a message on your cell. Just to wish you feel good.

I am no expert for Plan B letter, but i will very glad to give my input. I may steal yours too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Do not think about H too much, I know it is harder to do than say. Look, my Wh disappeared since Thurdsay, no call for, nothing. I don't mind he does not call for me, but he even didnt care about the children. I view it as a pre-Plan B practice. I did not call him at all.

Last night I called sis. We talked a lot how to put our trust in GOD. We try to put our situation on GOD and let him take care of things. We prayed for peace. I actually got few hours of sleep last night. I will keep praying for that.

I will go to church around 10:45, may be back about 1:30pm. We can talk then.

Cherished, are you there? How are you doing? Thinking of you.

Lostnhurt,
Yes, I'm here. I've been reading your messages and following along.

I called Harley on his radio show in August, 2002 to ask about telling the kids. I had told them "Daddy kissed Sophia on the lips" and "Daddy broke Mommy's arm" and I felt guilty about it... He said it was best to tell them. I remember asking "But the three year old.." and he said "even the three year old..."

The kids have heard so much about Harley that that now almost 5 year old once brought up wanting to see the movie "Scooby Doo meets Dr. Harley" when in fact it was "Scooby Doo meet Laurel and Hardy"...

Anyway, my H brought up wanting to run last night as a way for his needs to be met, and I told him I am not sure how it can be done without it being a negative for me. I said that it sounds so reasonable and I would be more open to I sacrifice for you and you sacrifice for me mentality if it hadn't gotten so extreme. Like many other things he's done, he pushed his needs to the limit -- ran a marathon two years ago while having an affair.

Anyway, I am finding one trememdous benefit of this program is that it is giving me insight into why I was so upset about the affair as compared with the abuse and it is helping me to change in how I deal with the children.

Harley told me in an e-mail recently that we are just at the beginning of recovery, and I think that's right.

I do not find it surprising that your H disappeared since Thursday night, and I think it is probably for the best. He may be testing Plan B himself and may decide he won't attend the MBW. That makes your decision to go to Plan B so much more obviously appropriate.

From my perspective, you may want to see if you can get the materials and attend the MBW later. Then, when your H is ready to move home, you let him know that the condition of return is going through the program, which has as a life long commitment 15 hours per week of undivided one on one attention between the two of you.

I'll be checking to see how you are doing...
Cherished

Cherished, thank you so much. I don't mind him disappeared at all. I am getting ready to take a walk and then go to church. I don't have to worry about leaving him home alone, and how he feels about me.

He didn't say he is not going to MBW, so I assume that he is going. He has to be hom ewith the kids while I am in cruise, then go to Ca, he is stucked with the kids for more than a week, let him get the taste of a single parent.

Lostnhurt, I think that his being home with the kids will cause a lot of guilt and concern about what contact he'll have with you and him divorced.

My H contacted a lawyer who asked two questions: Did anyone have an affair? and Was there any physical abuse?

My H said yes to both questions but then said he was attending an anger management weekly group. He brought up contact with the kids and his concern about it, and the lawyer said, "Get used to it" about limited contact.

Let the consequences of your H's actions fall squarely on his shoulders.

I remember once some anguished parents being interviewed about a 30-something son who was living at home, unemployed and in debt. The interviewer said, "That kid needs to have some problems." The parents said something like, "He's got lots of problems" and the interviewer said, "No, YOU'VE got lots of problems. He's got free rent, free food, free laundry service, no need for a job..."

You seem to be doing a good job of letting your H figure out the consequences of his actions... It's hard for a BS to accept, but the WH shouldn't stay M if he would be happier elsewhere -- and it may take your WH time to figure out if he is happier with a cheater or with a wife and family.
Cherished

<small>[ April 18, 2004, 08:54 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Cherished,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You seem to be doing a good job of letting your H figure out the consequences of his actions... It's hard for a BS to accept, but the WH shouldn't stay M if he would be happier elsewhere -- and it may take your WH time to figure out if he is happier with a cheater or with a wife and family.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are so right. I will let him figure out by himself. I still have pain, but I wish it iwll be lessen day by day. I need to keep going. If he choose to destroy himself, let it be.

LL- Get rid of that "friend". You are better off with no friends.

Lostnhurt - Somehow we have to get you out doing things. If you have no friends, then join a class or group. Here are some ideas - join a women's support group, a church group, take a class, learn to shoot a gun, dance, yoga, make stained glass, join an astronomy club, a photography club, an art class.

There are millions of things to do, you must find something just for you. I know your family and husband come first, but to take care of them, you need to take care of you.

And, I know I shouldn't talk because I do it too, but there is really more to life than your H and your kids if you look around you. When they are busy and not around do stuff for yourself. Soak your feet, take a bath, meditate, get some binoculars and look at the birds in your yard, if you get a bird book you could see how many different birds come around your house. I love birds, I have several bluebird boxes in the yard and I have several broods every year. In fact it is hummingbird season now, so I should get my feeders out for them too. If you think about it there is so much more to life than just sitting home and in front of the tv or computer. I am just having a blast in life again. When I want to go, I just get in the car and go. No honey I'll be back to cook dinner, or phone calls or anything to worry about. Remember they are the ones tied down not us. Go on a mini-vacation to a weekend spa, I would if I had enough money believe me. I could use some pampering, a facial, jacuzzi, massage I would love something like that. Take your sister with you for a weekend. Just do something for K for a change, you deserve it!

HINY

Girls, you are so right. I did go for a walk this morning for almost an hour. I will go again after this posting.

After walking, I went to church. I taught Sunday school for little kids. I will do VBS in June, which I did for 3 years already. Today I finally told this whole thing to one of the Elder's wife, I cried. She was so supportive and prayed with me. She offered to talk to WH. I said that i will tried.

When we came home, it was already 3pm. I was so scared to see the garage door was open. I thought that i forgot to close the garage door. But I saw Wh's car. Kids were very happy and screm daddy is home. But I was sad and mad. I finally feel better, there he comes. i can't wait till Plan B. But I just said hi to him, he sat in the computer, and now went to bed. I decide to take a long walk now.

Lostnhurt -

I promise you that he will come back to the marriage. But you need to do your part and take care of you. Start getting busy. There has to be something you can do. You have been in limbo too long.

Believer, yes, you are right. I am getting myself busy.

I just went for a walk for an hour again. i am going to church now to pick up a book about fidelity.

D is whining again. i think that she is more in depression than I am. She doesn't want to do anything and complain that there is nothing to do. I offered to paly with her, anything, soccer, bike, games, she refused.

lostnhurt - You need to come along side her and help her. You need to tell her what is going on. She is smart and knows there is something. Give her credit and confide in her.

Yes, I told her. We prayed every night at bedtime too. She started with anxiety problem, not it gets worse. So I am takin gher to see another conselor tomorrow. Hope it helps.

Just came back from church for a testimony book for surviving infidelity. I am going to read it tonight. When I just came in, S and D were outside playing, WH was washing his car, what a great family picture.

Finished dinner. Read an article form the book I got from church. This lady wrote about her H's affair. The whole thing lasted 3 years. Oh, my goodness, my D-day was just past 3 months. I can't imagine for 3 years. That is the time sis told me today too. But I will hang in here, be strong, find something that I can enjoy.

After MBW, it will be in the summer, I plan to take the kids to picinic, fishing, just enjoy our life.

LNH,

I think you did the right thing telling your DD. She is old enough to understand. I actually thought my DD knew from the time I found about about my WH's A, but somehow she didn't. She found out by accident in December while at my parents' house, and was VERY angry at him and equally angry that I hadn't told her. My DS has known all along because WH told him (looking for justification, maybe?)

It sounds like you had a better day today, at least until your WH came home. I'm glad you got out and walked and spent time outdoors. That's what I did, too, though I didn't walk but messed around in the yard and in my garden boxes. It does us good to get moving and get some fresh air, I think.

I actually did watch the birds for a while today as I took a break from my yardwork. We have mainly robins, sparrows, blackbirds, and a few raspberry finches right now, but I actually think I saw a pair of bluebirds, which aren't all the common here. They sure looked blue when the light shined on them as they sat on my fence. It was just very relaxing watching the birds and listening to the sounds as the breeze blew over me.

I have been trying very hard not to think about WH today, not to wonder what he's doing, and not to worry about him. I am trying hard to come to grips with the fact that I am only responsible for my own decisions and actions. I can't control his. This, along with patience to wait this thing out, is probably what I struggle with most. I am so used to taking charge, to fixing things, to doing things. In this case I can't. All I can do is wait.

Did the woman in your book reconcile with her WH at the end of the 3 years? Did his A end?

Like I said, I work with a woman who waited 3 years on her WH, too. They went through two D filings. The first was thrown out because of delays on her part. The second went through, finally, and right after it, her H and the OW broke off, and she and H are now happily remarried.

But 3 years seems SO long to me, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm only about 7 months into this. I can't imagine 1 year.

LL