Can anyone give some pointers on how I can be successful doing Plan A while my wife and I are living separately? I have already begun instituting contact that is not relationship related, just good positive contact. I will try to make 'dates' with her, so we can spend time together without discussing the relationship. I'm still a little unsure about breaching the subject of the EA (or PA) that I believe is causing conflict. Any ideas on how to do that without causing her to get angry?

Please keep in mind, that the first 4 - 6 weeks we were apart included a lot of emotional stuff. Will I be able to build over all of that?

Thanks for the input.

BTW, I did pick up the book, per Chris's advice, and it did help focus me a lot. I still have questions, doubts and fears...... but I think my plan is getting clearer.

For those interested....

My wife and I had the chance to discuss the state of our 'M' over a two hour fondue dinner at our favorite restaraunt. We were able to hold down small talk, laugh and have a decent time in each other's company, for the most part.

We briefly discussed finances, which was the easy part. Our conversation ventured towards our M. I explained to her, (without trying to sound needy or clingy) that we still had what we needed to be successful, that I still loved her, and wanted us to be together. She said that does not want to be together anymore, and that she wants different things.

I explained to her that I had some credible information, and a reasonable guess that she had a strong friendship, and perhaps more with a certain coworker. I was relieved to find out they were just friends <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> After some more nice Plan A probing, I found out things like she has had some physical contact with the person. He would also be the first person she would date if we were divorced. Of course her relationship with this person DOES NOT influence her decision to want out of the marriage. She just hasn't been happy. I asked her if she would be willing to end her 'friendship' to focus on repairing our marriage. She would not be. So I guess that settled that. Told me everything I needed to do.

Everything was pretty much as I had expected it to be. Mostly fog talk and a few half truths. I did not push my questions to the point of conflict. I mostly focused on the way I felt about her, what I believed our obstacles were, my contributions that led to our current situation (all in general terms, of course), etc.

She said that she looked into filing for divorce, but didn't have the money to do it. I told her "I love you, and I don't want that?" She seems to be dead set on us being apart for good. Our dinner ended with a long hug, and I believe a tear from her....

So do I just press ahead with Plan A? She has not faced that she is currently in a relationship with someone other than her husband, although it is readily apparent to everyone else. Until she faces that fact we are a long way off. A long way......

Any suggestions? Your advice is GREATLY appreciated.....

Hey there, glad to see things went reasonable well Saturday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
You don't believe the "just a friend" thing, do you? (Hello, the first person she'll date?! Some physical contact?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
But it sounds like you handled things on your side very well. In my opinion, a tear from her is a very good sign - at least there is still an emotional connection of some sort.
So what is her plan, to hold out until she pushes you to file so she doesen't have to pay for it? Is that basically what she said, that money is the only reason she hasn't filed? Well, I guess looking on the bright side, that does buy you more time!

I'm happy that there is someone to help out...Thanks.

Things have gone way way way downhill in just two days. My "intelligence gathering" revealed her side of an IM conversation that had some really hard things to read in it. There is apparently another OM involved. I have been sick to my stomach. She has also referred to me as her "future ex-husband" in email. I'm sick to my stomach, right now. Don't know what I should do......

Ethan, breathe...
I am so sorry. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
OK, it may seem things are way way way worse than they were 2 days ago, and maybe they are, but maybe not. You now have more information and awareness - you're not so in the dark anymore. Knowledge is power, right? Things are not really any different than they were 2 days ago, you just didn't know it.
Alright, so talk to me - what did you read? Did it give you enough to know if it's emotional or physical? Is it enough to confront her with?
This is important!

Physical on both counts. And it hurts..... Both individuals are co-workers, so this has probably gone on for a while......

I'm soooo sorry. ((((((((())))))))))
Well, now you know, as much as that kills you. What are you going to do? Are you going to confront her with it?
This could be the catalyst you guys need to get things going in a positive direction... Although I don't know how you are feeling about that right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I do plan to confront her tonight. She is going to be really angry. (Duh!) We both need the honesty. I need it so I don't have to guess, she needs its so she can face what is going on. The stress of me trying to figure it out and her trying to cover it up is killing both of us. She is hell bent on getting out of our marriage. And I know she isn't going to budge from that soon. Hopefully, the extra scrutiny will help... I don't know.

Ethan

Well, you are actually a step further ahead than you were a few days ago. You are right, it will be vey good to get it out in the open, on many levels.

She is probably going to freak about you "snooping" and will try to put the focus there. Just tell her you're sorry it had to come to that, but you deserve the truth. Try to end that there, or it will take over...
You seem willing to forgive her and still want her back. Maybe that will open her eyes.

Make sure you print out the conversations if you can, it's a lot harder to deny or twist when it's right there in black and white.

Remember, back when you first started this thread everyone was telling you how important it is to expose the affair/s. Now you can, so try to look at it as progress...as awful as it is.

So, this would be her 3rd affair? The one you found out about in Jan, the Valentine's guy and the 3rd guy, right? She definitely needs to get some counseling. Don't forget that if she did want to reconcile that it is VERY imposrtant that she commit to a PLAN for that reconciliation. Without that, you will just be starting the cycle all over again (like last time).

Let us (well, I guess it's just me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) know what happens tonight. I wish you the best, and again, I am very sorry for the pain you are going through right now.

I agree, she actually admitted to one of them through email. Just now. I'll see how the other one goes tonight. I know that there is an issue that lies within her. (Not that the marriage was perfect, but it wasn't bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) That is the hardest thing, I'm trying to fight that battle, of not breaking my promise of better or worse, sickness and health, ya know. Should I have to put up with this? Probably not. Did I promise I wouldn't leave if it got hard? Yes, I did. That's tough.

OK, explain to me why it is that you can stay true to your vows to stay even if it got hard even after she cheated on you 3 times, and my husband wants out for no good reason at all? And he was the kind of guy who you would have expected to stay true to his vows. It's just so unfair!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
OK, sorry, I was venting there.
So she admitted one? Did you ask or did she just admit it? Did she try to justify it or give you any reason?

She tried to start down that path thru email. I told her to save it until we got a chance to talk face to face. I still don't know if anything I can say will get through. She probably has two other people who are only interested in themselves, telling her that I'm an idiot, and me, who's interested in her well being, just telling her that I love and support her. It's a big obstacle to overcome. She asked if she told me would I finally let her go......

If she told you what, would you let her go?

What has/is happening I'm assuming.

That's kind of a weird question, considering she hasn't really told you yet. How are you supposed to know how you'll react to something you don't even know?

Also, the funny thing is, as soon as you let her go, she'll want you back.

She's working off of the assumption that I do know already. She's kind of figured that out. I guess I just need to be stubborn in a good way, and try to wear her down with kindness.......

Can I say again how unfair life is, Mr.I'llJustWearmyCheatingWifeDownWithKindess?

I fight that battle, everyday..... I guess that's what Plan A is about. Keep going until you stop feeling love for her. Here are the things that I know she will say tonight:

- I still don't want to be together.

- This has nothing to do with why I'm wanting out. (Although, this stuff certainly began before we started living separately.)

- She has already told me that she doesn't want to face this.

How should I get past any of this? Just pretend I don't hear it?