Thanks for helping me get to this point. I have wonderful support from you guys and from my friends. I know that the road to my own personal recovery AND/OR marriage salvation is going to be long, but it has to begin somewhere.

Your welcome. I'm just glad you're getting a grip sooner than I did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Ha ha

Ethan,
I just typed out a LONG post quoting from Love Must Be Tough for you, and accidentally posted it in the wrong place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> It's in the Am I Doing the Right Thing? thread, on this same board.
I have no idea how to get it over here, so please go there to read it, OK?

Just copy & paste and then delete your post....

I read it. Really good stuff.

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

And the rollercoaster drops down today...

I'm thinking that the best thing I can do right now is back away. I really need to focus on healing myself. I still haven't really come to grips with how badly I've been hurt through all of this. I realize that I will have a huge hurdle to overcome. After being lied to and cheated on for 2.5 years, I'm going to have a really hard time trusting in any future relationship, regardless of it involves my WW or not. I'm beginning to think I should go ahead and move to Plan B to start to protect and heal myself.....

You know, I was thinking yesterday that I REALLY wish I had moved to Plan B sooner - before I got to this point. I am very scared that I will never be able to regain the love, respect, admitration, trust, etc that I had for WH just a while ago. I mean, of course, it was slipping away due to his behavior, but I still had strong feelings of love and even compassion for him. Seven months of Plan A was too long. In my case all I would have had to do would have been to let him go, since he wanted to separate a long time ago. If I had done that, some of the worst betrayals and lies wouldn't have taken place and I could have avoided at least some of the emotional damage.
I think you are probably correct in saying that Plan B is wise for you to preserve what's left of your love and trust...You still need to move back into your house! Are you taking steps in that direction?

I have backed off a little from the house stuff. I think she will see it as contentious, and it will only serve to make the situation worse. That's why I'm leaning towards Plan B. Just get away from the hurt and anger and work on 'fixing' myself. I think that right now, she will be completely oblivious to the changes I've made / I am making....

You can still Plan B if you move back in-especially since she'll probably move out. Don't forget, she views anything and everything that inhibits her fun and behavior or anything she doesen't agree with as contentious, so that doesen't really matter.
Moving back in is a big part of the over all scheme of things.
I gotta run, I'll write more later.

I think you still need to post because others do read them. I guess I would like to find out if I have done too much damage? By that I mean when I found out and confronted him I did all the things you shouldn't do (I didn't know that at the time). I cried, begged and pleaded, overdosed on pills and had to go to the hospital. It wasn't until I had to leave and go back to work (in another state) that I started reading this website and others plus books that I know I did the opposite of what I was supposed to do.

I hope I can still undo the damage but at the same time I feel when I see him again in a couple of weeks and sees my "tranformation" that he will take that the wrong way. Meaning I'm faking things to get him back/save our marriage. That's true to a certain extent. I am trying to do everything I can to save our marriage so that means doing some things that I haven't done before or at least since we were first married. But it's because now I know, it's the whole knowledge is power thing.

Should I really worry about how interprets my new behavior? Because I almost feel like I would be acting as if nothing is wrong and ignoring the situation.

roughroad,
NO. You should be changing your behavior for yourself as well, and for the hopes of saving your marriage, it should not be based on how he will react at all.
Please don't do that, who knows how he'll react to anything in his fog. Probably anything he doesen't like he'll react negatively to, DO NOT base your actions/changes on that.
I know it's hard not to worry about it, but that's all part of it. You've got to make these changes for yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ethan,
Are you out there? What's going on with your situation?

Roughroad, I have the same concern as yours. Everytime my H reacts on something, it upsets me so much. I couldn't sleep, eat or do anything. I am working so hard to get myself up, but it is so hard to do it.

My H comment that he is uncomfortable about my change. What is that mean?

lostnhurt,
That means he's noticing! Woohoo! That's a GOOD thing. Keep up the good work. HIm being uncomfortable is a good thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What's happening with me...... hmmmm....

Rollercoaster's riding again today. I feel a lot more....angry, disappointed, whatever.... I'm starting to give some serious thought to Plan B, because, I may be feeling my love starting to wane a little. I need to sort out the real emotion there.

Part of me still wants to do Plan A. Here's why. Her six month PA which is ,er..over, somewhat, is/was with her manager. Her current 'friendship' is with a different coworker. (Please read above paragraph for my thoughts on this situation). My best friend, whom I'm staying with, holds a position in the same company, that is essentially an operations, policy type position. He wants to tell his boss about it. I'm sure that initially, it was more personal, than anything. I think now, the business aspect of it is starting to creep in. If this situation didn't involve me and my wife, and it was a different manager/subordinate relationship that he found out about, he would still feel obligated to say something. If anything, this is an opportunity for him to show that he can separate business and personal life.

My W catches wind that my friend is considering telling his boss about everything. She calls to talk about it, at first she was upset. I was actually able to talk her down and explain the situation from all perspectives. It seemed like she was better with the situation. She has concerns about one or both of them losing thier jobs, her reputation w/in the company, etc. I told her that everyone probably knew anyhow.(which knowing the company, everyone does...) I told her that her best opportunity to come out unscathed, is to be proactive, and one of them go and tell someone. Of course, obviously neither has the honesty or integrity to step up at this point. I think this may be the first time she realized that her actions may have consequences. We were able to talk for about 45 minutes, mostly about this, but both of us were really civil, almost getting along well, making small talk. Absolutely no LB'ing on my part. (Although my sarcasm, ALMOST got me in trouble, but the 'counterintuitive nature' I've picked up here helped.) I have always been able to explain things to her to help her understand things from a different perspective, and she always said she liked that about me. She said that she feels a lot better after talking to me about it. It was a little refreshing for me, I guess.

So after going through the day hell bent on going to Plan B, I'm starting to think that Plan A, might be having an minimal impact. I don't know. Today, at least right now, is middle of the road. Is that good?

OK, Ethan! This is good! Maybe Plan A is good for you after all. The main thing right now, if nothing else, keep up the no LBing, meet whatever EN's you can, BUT keep standing up for yourself and setting boundaries.
However, I do have concerns due to her track record and the fact that she could possibly still be involved in some kind of A that she's going to be happy to keep up the cake-eating. You guys have GOT to come to a place where you deal with this infidelity problem of her once and for all. You do not deserve to be cheated on for the rest of your life!!!
Remember that as your goal. Not just her coming back, but RESTORING the marriage, or maybe in your case, building the kind of marriage you should have but maybe never really did?

I don't really know if it's cake-eating, b/c she really doesn't have (or appear to) want to have anything to do with me. Our last few discussions though have been, at the least, non-destructive. If that makes sense... I think what she's falling into now, is having made this big decision to leave for good, that even if she enjoys talking to me, she won't give in to that.....

I know that I'm going to spend my time and effort focusing on fixing my faults, and trying to heal from all of this. I'm done snooping, and have found out the true extent of her "relationships." Which will help. I will need to heal for any future relationship, whether with my wife or not. I know that trust is going to be hard for me....

That's why I'm still on the fence for Plan A / Plan B. She doesn't see any defined boundaries currently. Sometimes I feel that Plan B would help me with that...

Well, I have faith in you that you will figure it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
You have a very good attitude, you remind me of a very special person, and things are working out for him.
Do me a favor, when you have time, go here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=recent_user_posts;u=00031971

Read posts 41, 38, 33, 27, 18, 14, 7, and 1
in that order. (posts by Luke Parrish)

I promise, it will be very encouraging for you - you guys are very much alike in your love for your wives and willingness to fix yourselves.

(If that link doesen't work, go to directory and type in Luke Parrish - Member and click on posts)

(just read the first post by Luke, not the whole thread - that would take forever!)

Thanks Faith,

It does show me that people can come around, which is good. I don't quite see the wildly destructive behavior that my wife is exhibiting. I think that we have some WAY bigger hurdles to overcome. I've already backed off some, and I'm going to back off more. I'm trying to hold off on full blown Plan B, but we'll see how it goes.

She did decide to list the house. (Neither of us would be very comfortable paying for it entirely on our own.) She's still cruising full steam ahead.

yes, that's true about the destructive behavior...don't know what to tell you about that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Are you OK with her listing the house? I take it you couldn't do much about it even if you objected?
She does seem to moving full steam ahead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
But that doesen't mean it's over. She could change her mind at any time, especially since there's not even paperwork yet. Don't give up.
Just promise me you won't go back to a life of being cheated on!

Not a whole lot I can do about the house, really. I mean I can legally, but...... It is one of the things that we actually decided to do when she was "free and clear." It does upset me a little.

Oh, and rest assured, I won't go back to being cheated on again.....