I am not to the point where I would want to see/date someone else. (Not that I wouldn't, actually, due to being tired of the cr@p, but I've taken the moral high road thus far, and have a very limited desire to change that.) But I think that I want to spend more time actually doing things with my friends... should I do those things by myself? It's difficult to feel that my WW has moved on with her life, and yet I feel obligated to NOT move on with mine.....

Sorry,Ethan. Really, there's not much that can be done about the whole roller coaster effect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Good job on the no LBing though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I know it's hard when they just keep up the same old stuff and there's no end in sight. But just cause you can't see it, doesen't mean it's not there. It's just around the bend, or on the other side of the hill, know what I mean?
Chin up, ok?

Yes, definitely do things with your friends. I'm sure you will begin to feel so much better. It might be hard at first, because you may think of how she should be with you, etc, but once you do it a couple times, you'll be glad you did.

oh, I wasnt suggesting you date anybody....I was just relating what had happened to me. I was opposed to doing anything with friends either at first and after I started going places and meeting friends of friends, etc. I feel so much better about myself and have realized that my relationship with my H was not what it should have really been for me. If he does come out of the fog and want to come home, there are alot of changes to be made in our relationship.

Still doesnt change the fact that I love my husband deeply, not my WH, but my husband that started slowly disappearing from me about 5 years ago.

Resaann

resaann,
I understand how you feel. It's like at some point your eyes start to open and you truly see the truth about your WS and your relationship.
And also what you said about loving your husband deeply, not your WH, your old one! I truly feel like an alien life form has come and invaded my WH's body. The person he has become is unrecognizable to me. I have at many points in the past year grieved for him as if he had died, because that's how it feels to me. The sad thing is, it almost like a parents who's child has been kidnapped. They don't know whether to keep on hoping or to grieve. There's no closure.

Definitely the same battle that I'm fighting. I'm seeing that my marriage has never really had a chance, almost from day one. That sucks, because I really love the person that used to be there, but now she's this tangled mess of lies and guilt and cruelty. I have started to detach, and that makes this a little "easier" for me. I still feel sorry for her and that our marriage has ended up this way.

The "bright" side is that I have a much better picture of what to expect, and what I want from a relationship, be it with my WW or with someone else. So I guess that's good.....

furnitureman,
"It's difficult to feel that my WW has moved on with her life, and yet I feel obligated to NOT move on with mine....."

(I don't know how to do the quote thing so I just copied and pasted).

this was very well said. The only thing that I'm NOT going to do is even entertain the idea that I will ever be with someone else. I know I can make it on my own and in kind of a twisted way I think that's one reason why my H is able to talk about him getting on w/his life is because he knows I can do things on my own. I am able to function on my own and perhaps this hendered our relationship because I seemed to do everything myself, often without even discussing it with him.

I firmly believe that if I follow plan A and if I ever have to do plan B that somewhere down the road his eyes will open and we will be together again. This is how I get through the days, believing I'm doing the right thing by following Dr. Harley's advice and doing what I need to do to change myself, and it's not even really a change it's a RETURN to myself and I feel very good about the changes that are happening in my head and my body, I've lost almost 23 lbs since the end of January!!! still got a way to go but by working out everyday and watching what I eat I accomplish several things, I'm not dwelling on things, I'm improving myself, and gives me a chance to read dr. harley's and others books.

That's what we have to do is to make ourselves strong and attractive (on many levels) for our WS and that makes things worth it. Keep the faith and keep doing what you're doing.

I'm feeling kind of icky tonight, so I'd figured I would post. I know I can always count on the MB group, for a pat on the back, kick in the butt, whatever's necessary to get me back in line.

I've been focusing on a plan A, and I feel I have done well, filling what EN's she allows, zero LB's etc., but without calling or emailing, allowing her to initiate contact. It had done well for me this week, I began to feel a lot better about things. As the week went on, she continued to contact me. We mostly contact through email. She was cheery on Monday AM, indignant on Monday PM. She emailed again on Tuesday, kinda snotty. Cheery email conversation on Wed., saying she hadn't talked to me in "a couple of days." We talked briefly about our house. Neither of us can afford it on our own. She asked if I was still planning on moving back to the house. Told her I didn't know. (I think she's realizing she can't pay for it on her own.) Told her we could both stay there if she has/would make some "changes". She was off on Thur., so no contact.

Friday, was where it got wierd. She emailed, cheery again. Basic conversation, and as it went on she asked what "changes" I was talking about. Told her it should be pretty obvious, but if she wanted to talk about it, we could. She wasn't interested in that. (Surprise!) She wanted to know when I was coming by the house to pick up mail, etc. Anyway, I found it really wierd that she brought that stuff up.....

Saturday comes around. I text message her to tell her I will come by the house on Sun. She tm's back to say ok. Then she calls to leave me a VM, just saying that she had some funny random occurrence, that made her think of me????? That was it! WTF!

I go by the house today, spent two hours talking about whatever. Again, an outstanding job of Plan A by me, no LB's, tried not to bring up the M too much. (I think the only thing I said was that I missed spending time with her, and that things didn't have to be this crazy.) She noticed my new shirt, noticed that I was in good shape, and said so. Still kind of awkward, but she "allowed" me to hug her a little, made a joke (after I did) about "still being my wife on paper."

All of this has put me in a really wierd mood about all of this. I still see this huge wall of unwillingness to change on her part, but some of the things that she has said/done have stood out to me. Is she showing the slightest of cracks in the fog, or am I just looking really hard for some light?.... I could use some feedback as far as what you guys think is going on, and how I should proceed.....

Thanks,
Ethan

Hmm, Ethan, once again, it sounds to me like you may be getting somewhere. Keep up the good work. But also don't back down on anything important - stand up for yourself, ok? No starting the cycle over again...
Sounds to me though like she is missing you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Here's some of the other crazy stuff....

She still has made no progress as far as selling the house, or getting the D started. So I guess that is good.

She is talking about dropping school this semester, even though she is scheduled to graduate in December. This part drives me crazy, b/c school has always been a top priority to her.

She is also talking about taking a part-time job, presumably to help pay for house expenses. This may actually be a good thing. I think working 60 hours a week would actually slow her social life down a tad.

I know the majority of all this is crazy WS stuff, but it's hard for me to not try to find the "good" in this. Do you think I'm looking too hard or overanalyzing?

Well, if she is taking another job to help pay for the house, that would lead me to believe she is re-thinking selling it.
I think it's almost impossible to keep from overanalyzing or trying to read into things when you're in a situation like yours. So, maybe you are some. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, after reading your previous post, I do agree with you that there seems to be some signs that there may be a slight crack in the ice. What is motivating this, is a different issue altogether, and one that should be a big concern.
I will keep my fingers crossed that the fog is starting to lift.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithhopelove04:
<strong> What is motivating this, is a different issue altogether, and one that should be a big concern.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Faith,
What did you mean by this?

Oh, I just meant that there are a couple different possible motivating factors behind her behavior. She could really be starting to see the truth, or this could be a continuation of her previously selfish behavior. For example, not wanting the stigma of being divorced, not wanting the humiliation of the affair being found out, etc. Will she actually stop her adulterous behavior? If so, for how long? Those are just questions that need to be considered.
I do think you are doing a WONDERFUL job, and I truly hope she's starting to see the light. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Gotcha....

Yea, not sure what to think about her recent behavior. I guess I'll see if it keeps up. I would like to think the Plan A stuff is having some impact, but I feel that the fog is thick with this one....

As far as the stigma of being divorced, I seriously doubt that she is that concerned about it at this point. And the affair(s) is/are out there, and as of yet, she doesn't seem that greatly affected/humiliated by it.....

She seemed to blow off the work related stuff as no big deal. Who knows. Guess I'll just keep Plan A'ing it.

I agree, I think the Plan A stuff is having an affect. You're doing great, keep up the good work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

And the strangeness continues.....

WW came by work today just "to say hello?!?!?" We talked/visited for a while, no LB's, no M talk. (Good job, Ethan, pats self on back.) made plans to go to a movie (admittedly, it's Saturday afternoon, but....) The only thing I find ironic is that she was telling me about all the stupid relationship things that her sister (who is 19, with illegit child) is doing. Pot? Meet Kettle!

I'm trying to shuffle through this...... I'm doing my even best to not get my hopes up about this, b/c it sets me up to fall, but I think this is promising......

Oh wow, Ethan, great! This does sound promising. I know it's hard - trying not to get your hopes up, but seeing the positive signs. It'll be ok, you've done so great, I know you can handle it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Those pats on the back are well deserved!
Keep us posted!

If anything, it shows that Plan B will have an effect if it gets that far, especially as long as Plan A is somewhat successful. I am actually seeing the changes in me, and I know I'm already benefitting from the changes. The key for me will be to not push the issue, and NOT LB!!!! I guess I need to focus on one step at a time. Keep your fingers crossed.

Ethan

I will, Ethan. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And the update...

We went to the movies. She seemed very uptight the entire time. Almost to the point of being stand-offish. On our way to the movies, she made a point of seeing whichever movie "started first." She did not want to eat after the movie, and seemed quite impatient for me to leave once we got back home. (I wonder what that was about, hmmmm.....) It was one of those times where I wish I wasn't quite as smart. I spent most of the evening examing her body language. (legs crossed towards me, good. Arms crossed, bad.) Being dumb probably would have helped a lot, but then I guess I wouldn't be fighting for my M if I was an idiot. (or maybe I am:) ) I tried to keep decent conversation going, but that's kind of difficult when she asks absolutely no questions to or about me. Seemed to care less that I was even there. For her to go from being in such a good mood earlier in the week, to being two steps away from an a$$ in just a few days discouraged me.

I'm trying not to fall in the trap that this is my W. I really don't believe that it is. I'm trying to bring out the person that I fell in love with, the person that I married. But that is a hard thing to do. Plan B is starting to look attractive to me, simply b/c I think that I may be starting to lose some of my love for her. I dunno.....

And then there is the house issue. I love and miss my house. I want to be there. In the same sense, I know that if I do that, she'll be out the door. If I don't then she is allowed to live our life, that we built and worked for, without me in it. That sucks. Although it would allow me to institute plan B and be in a position of "control." While I feel strong, I still feel that sometimes my actions don't convey that. Sometimes I feel that the strongest thing I can do for my M is to step away from it.

Back to the ick, I guess........

Ethan