What do you mean "free and clear"?

And good, you'd better not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks faith for your suggestion to read luke's posts. I still get a little discouraged when I don't get replies to my own but if I read others I do find some comfort.

It is very encouraging to also read luke's to a certain extent because I feel I am more like his situation. I didn't meet my H emotional needs for a long time and I think that one of the reasons that he doesn't want to try to work on things is because he is worried that things will go bad again.

At the same time (I didn't read all of Luke's posts), my husband is had an A and is still and further I believe he really is planning to have with a life with her. I had left a message with his mom who is at our house right now for him to give me a call when he had called some money into our account and that he could leave a message if he wanted to (meaning he didn't have to actually talk to me). well he called this morning on his cell while he was driving and I tried to sound upbeat and not hurt, I think I did a good job.

after we made some small talk he asked me to write a phone number down. It was the phone# to his new phone and that he was canceling the one he has because he didn't want me to have to pay for it. Just about the whole time we talked, I heard another phone ringing in his car. He didn't answer it and I pretended that I didn't hear it. It stopped ringing for a few minutes and then rang again. I'm sure it was her. He also mentioned how he had been trying to save some money from his job (meaning for the time when he gets out on his own).

He also talked about a potential job he might get and that he was going to talk to them about salary because he needed to have a certain amount of money because of the situation he was in. I guess deep down I was hoping it would take him awhile before he started doing things like that (getting a different phone). Am I a fool to believe it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for this OW? who by the way is only 21, almost 13 years younger than he is.

I want so much to tell him that there is no way that it would ever go back to the way it was because NOW I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I never realized before the way I was. I just wish for the opportunity to show him that. I said that I would quit my job (in another state) and move back but all he could say was "don't do that" and I think if I did it would really push him away. I have been living in another state since october 03 but he was supposed to be moving here as well after he graduated and then it happened (the A). So I don't think moving back would be productive or finacially correct.

Still trying to plan how I'm going to act and do when I go back in a couple of weeks but it's hard because I'm sure he will still be involved with the OW and I have to act as those I'm okay with everything. after I leave our house on the 28th of this month I hadn't planned on going back until the first week of may. maybe if we have no or little contact in april that will help? somehow that doesn't give me much comfort.

By free and clear, I guess "between A's". (How sad is that?) She was really excited about when we picked out the house, lot, started pouring the slab, etc. By the time we actually closed on it and moved in, she was in A #2. I always wondered why she wasn't as pumped as me to be in the house..... Now I see why.

Ethan

I can relate. We were so excited to be getting transferred back to FL and to be near our families again. We also built a house recently. Same kind of thing. WH told me about half way through the building process he didn't think he loved me anymore. I found out about his EA a month before we closed. It was up in the air until the week before whether we were going to go through with it or not. We did, but he was never as excited as me.
It's sad because I reall, really love my house and now more than likely I will have to move out soon.

Yes, I went by the house yesterday to collect mail and the like. The grass was just starting to grow. I got a little sad b/c I might not get to cut the grass..... I was actually looking forward to it.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> That's sad. I'm sorry.
It's pretty crazy that she's selling the house. That's a big step.

So how's the roller coaster tonight? Is it up or down? Or upside down? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Uggh...just realized I never responded to the free and clear thing. That is really awful...completely beyond my comprehension. I am so sorry that you've had to go through that.

I have decided my snooping is going to end. I was able to confront her regarding her current relationship. I knew, but I didn't know, ya know? Well now I know. That brought me down. Whatever. I think I'm going to go to Plan B, so I can get off the rollercoaster for a while. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy for still wanting this, but I guess it all goes back to what I believe in at heart.

I stopped snooping a long time ago. At first when I stopped, it was because I trusted him (ha!). Now I just assume I can't trust him, and I really don't want to know.

My first snooping involved finding the 6,000 minutes in 2 1/2 months. After that, he had promised not to contact her. After a couple weeks, I had a bad feeling, and I literally had to force myself to go online and look at the phone records. I was so scared that I would find he'd been calling her again. I didn't know what I'd do if I found out he was. I was such a wreck at that point. Well, I found out he had been calling again. I was shaking and so beside myself, and no other adults were there. The only thing I could think to do was to garb one of my mom's zanax? and take it to calm me down. (I do NOT like taking pills.) We had a counseling appt. that night, so I called him on it there. After that I trusted him, I thought things were getting better, so I didn't check. Then last month, my 4 year old daughter "slips" and tells me daddy had been talking to her, she was in th car when he called her but he told her not to tell me. NICE, HUH? Involve your 4 year old in your A and then make her lie about it to her own mother!!
I just can't deal with the drama anymore. He can do what he wants and he can throw away his family. Or he can grow up and never talk to her again and keep his family. That's where I'm at - I don't think he knows that yet though, boy is he in for a surprise!

That's the point that I have reached as well. I essentially wanted to get positive confirmation of everything that was going on, for the sake of exposing it and getting it out in the open. Now it's been exposed, and I see little remorse, and no desire to stop her actions. I'm still a little torn as to whether I should pursue plan A any further, now that everything is out there. I'll see how she reacts, I guess. I do feel my love for her start to diminish, so I don't know if it's time to move to Plan B to try to preserve that. Hopefully once it hits the fan at work and the like it will open her eyes a little. Who knows......

Good morning.

Still a little confused, huh, that's ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
You're good attitude will go a long way. How much contact have you been having with her on a regular basis and how is that going?

Last I remember, it went pretty well. Maybe you should just keep doing what you're doing. (That is, unless you're really starting to have a hard time dealing.)

Contact has been sporadic, but we have probably talked every day this week, either by phone or email. I have done pretty well as far as general conversation, no LBing, etc. Now, I will temper that by saying that the four conversations including two different confrontations/exposures, and a discussion about her A being exposed at work. Not exactly mindless chit-chat.... Again, we are still able to communicate, but it often feels out of neccessity, rather than desire. I may try this for a while rather than go straight to Plan B. By not snooping anymore, it will allow some detachment for me....

Hey Ethan,
Just had a (meaningful) conversation with WH for the first time in 6 weeks. It was absolutely unbelieveable (in a bad way).
You can read the whole thing on the Divorcing Board.
I can't believe him!!!!!!!!!

An interesting weekend for me, for those interested.....

Had 2 separate email conversations with my WW, one about an A being exposed at work, the other just an attempt to conversate. The work one went OK, although she was a little testy, but no LBing on my part. The other conversation was good as well, just talking about normal stuff.

Got a little detachment as well, this weekend, which helped a lot!!! As stated, I am done with snooping, since I found out everything that was going on, and that helped. The friends that I'm staying with took me to New Orleans (I don't live that far away) for dinner and an evening out. It was a bit intimidating, lot of new faces (friends of my friends), stuff like that. My WW often goes partying in NO, so the specter of running into her with God knows who was kind of over the whole evening, but all in all a good experience. I was a lot more comfortable with it after sleeping on it.

I went to a baseball game on Sat. Baseball has been very therapeutic for me. It is consistent, and almost rhythmic in a way. Strange what I find soothing right now, huh? Plus, I get free seats to the best college baseball team in America when ever I want them.

Went to visit friends who are opening thier own business on Sunday. That was fun as well.

All in all, I found this weekend to be VERY good for me. I still thought about my WW a lot, but I also realized that I can only help her as much as she allows me too. The strange thing was that I got a glimpse that I would be OK if my M is headed the way it is going right now. (How funny is this: I had a sinking feeling that Chris-CA 123 was going to blast me for being somewhat apathetic about my M this weekend. All weekend.) Anyway, I found a lot of positives came out of this. I don't know if they were real positives or if I was just looking really hard.......

Good for you, I'm glad you had a good weekend and were able to enjoy yourself.
I'm not sure, but I think that it may almost be humanly impossible to keep your sanity and be able to make wise choiced and judgmants in a situatin like this without distancing yourself at least somewhat. So don't feel bad for that.
And, if the possibility of your M ending is real, then it is good to come to a place where you can accept that if it happens (God forbid). You know the saying, "Hope for the best, plan for the worst".

OK, I apologize for the HORRIBLE typos in that reply!!! I really can spell, I just can't type!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Had an interesting, non - M related discussion this morning, just about whatever. She seemed to be upbeat, cheerful almost. It was wierd. I don't know. I was my typical Plan A self. I think a distant Plan A seems to be my best bet at this point. Who knows........

Hey Ethan
Maybe you are getting somewhere...keep us posted!

And then the walls come back up...... I found out that her A (#2) is getting ready to hit the fan at her work. She called me to talk about. I offered advice, from someone who had been on the wrong end of a bad HR (work-related!)discussion. She was very upset and standoffish, and bordering on mean when I talked to her about it. It was very difficult not to LB, but I didn't, I took the high road.

She also asked about the house, probably b/c she is shouldering the financial burden of it and doesn't want to anymore. I just asked if she had/was willing to make any changes so we could do our house together. She answered with a question.... Whatever.

I am getting closer to Plan B daily, and don't really want to put up with her lack of remorse about her actions anymore. UUUUGGGHHH..... Definitely another "What am I fighting for" day.........

Hi Furnitureman,

I also live near New Orleans, in Slidell, I actually work downtown New Orleans. I went out to the french quarter this last weekend and was having the same problems...I kept looking everywhere for WH and OW...they frequent Cats Meow Karaoke bar.

I know what you are feeling now.....my husband has plain and simply said that he is NOT coming back and he is living with OW at this point....yet he hasnt filed for seperation . He left out of the blue on Jan4, 2004 and went to OW. We have been married for 19 years and just moved into our dream house and our life was teh best it has been EVER!....well so I thought!....he has now been introducing OW to his family and they have had dinner together with his parents etc.

I am filing for seperation to make sure that me and my kids are protected financially, but I am having such a hard time letting go completely. He seems so sure that this is what he wants. Why cant i just say ok, fine.......that is what you want and just walk away. He has been horrible since he left saying mean and hateful things to me and now over the last several days he had been telling me how he wants me to share my feelings with him and call him anytime i want to talk or i need something etc.

The intense emotional rollercoaster is just about to kill me. I did see someone about 2 weeks ago, because WH kept telling me I needed to find someone to have fun with and forget about him because he is happy where he is. So.....I went out with someone. To be honest with you, it was GREAT!.....I realized how i should have been treated for years. And I thought I had convinced myself that I should move on and forget about him.......Yea right!...then here come those feelings again, of wondering if he might change his mind because it has only been a little of 3 months...

Sorry I rambled on.....this really was just intended to let you know that I know exactly what your feeling......is this really worth it?

Resaann