Thanks everyone for your advice, I need to mull it over and decide what to do.

In the meantime, WW called me this morning, crying, and wondering how I was.

I told her "I not sure how I am"
She said "It was the worst night of my life"

Me
"Me too"
Her
"I wasn't sure if I should call, I didn't know if you would talk to me?"
Me
"Of course I'll talk to you darling, Your still my wife, and still my friend"
Her
still crying "I don't know what I'm doing, I was here all alone last night and it was terrible"
Me
"I'm so sorry"
Her
"Me too"
Me
"The kids are all spending the night at grandmas so I have the house to myself if you want to talk or whatever"
Her
"Do you think that is a good idea?"
Me
"Having the kids sleep over?"
Her
"No, being alone tonight."
Me
"If you call, I won't be alone, but if you don't some guys from work wanted me to go out with them tonight"
Her
"What did your mom say about this?"
Me
"She loves you and if I want you back to do whatever it takes to make it happen"
Her
"Nothing bad, talking behind my back and saying nasty stuff?"
Me
"You know Mom loves you like a daughter, you are the only one she cuts any slack too because you are married to me, she loves you and wants nothing more than for us to be together"
Her
"I'll call you later about tonight"
Me
"Do that but I really have to get going, I have to get to Moms soon"
Her
"was it hard to sleep last night?"
Me
"Terribly, I took your pillow and used it so I could smell your perfume, It made it a little easier, call me about tonight"
Her
"If not tonight breakfast in the morning for sure OK?"
Me
"Just call either way, so I know what to tell these guys alright, thanks for calling, I miss the sound of your voice, I'll talk to you tonight. I need to get going and if I don't get off soon I'll start crying with you and the kids are going to ask why"
Her
"I'm sorry, I miss you too and I'll call"

That was it. It really bouyed me to hear her concern for the first time in god knows how long.

Did I do a good job on that one?

It caught me completely by surprise and I wasn't prepared for it.

Thanks again folks

BH

You did great. I am so happy for you both. This is a time to let her know in words and in actions how important she is to you.


In other words, you will drop whatever plans you have to be with her tonight.

She is hurting. Be careful not to reject her in any way. she needs to know that you have forgiven, that whatever has happened is in the past. that you can start over fresh, today, right now, yes?

BH,

This may be a bit strong but she seems more concerned that she is alone than she is sorry she is apart from the family.

I would cut back a bit on the ILY's and let her tell you that. Let her know that you are doing ok, miss her a bit but don't over do that either.

Enjoy your night out with the boys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just be a good and come home safe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Thank you Shul and Orchid

I would drop everything and anything.

I will cut back on the ILY's I was just taken by surprise and repeated what my mother said. I didn't have any time to think. It was early and I was in shock that she called.

I do want to see her tonight but if she doesn't call me by 8, I am going out. She has my cell to call and if she does call after I'm out I'll be wherever she wants whenever.

It wasn't harsh what you said Orchid, not in the least. I didn't take it that way.

I don't think it was her concern for being alone, We have only spent 2 nights apart in the last 13 years I can think of. One was the night she didn't come home until 8am(D-Day) and one was 3 years ago when I was in DC for the night.

I think the true reality of the situation hit her. No Kids, No Husband, strange bed, nothing but her thoughts to keep her company. I can only imagine how much that sucked for her. At least she didn't give in and do the wrong thing.

Thanks again Orchid and shul, and everyone else for that matter. I will update when I know more.

BH

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: BrokenHubby ]</small>

"Enjoy your night out with the boys. Just be a good and come home safe."


Orchid! Be good? How dare you ruin my night out...lol

BH

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: BrokenHubby ]</small>

Yes, have a fun night out. You need to take care of YOU right now.

Ok BH...... inquiring minds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> want to know...... howa' doin? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

BF,Shul,Orchid and the rest of the cast of thousands......

This is the official update approved by the Dairy Association...lol

I guess I'll start where I left off.

WW didn't call so I went out with some friends, took a few rubes money playing darts. I had a great time and made it home without a scratch.

I was kinda glad that Wife didn't call, I needed last night to recharge my batteries. It's a good thing I did recharge because I needed it for today. I never saw what happened today coming, caught me completely offguard.

Wife calls me this morning to meet for breakfast, says she didn't call because she was beat and passed out on her girlfriends couch (all true, I can't reveal my sources...hehehe)Anyway, she is waiting for me at the rest. and calls, I tell her I can't be there for 25 minutes because I am just climbing into the tanning booth(another simple pleasure I have found since A) She says "No Problem, I'll get a table wait for you". Her calmness and saying she'd sit and wait 25-30 minutes at first made me happy then worried me. She would never have done that during the A, or Pre-A.

So I am thinking "Oh Crap" is this the other shoe about to drop?

I saw her checking me out through the window all the way across the parking lot, I didn't let on that I saw her. I've been doing intense circuit training as a way of letting off steam and in the process have dropped 11 inches off my waist and hardly have enough fat left on my belly to pinch any. So I am wearing all brand new clothes(looking real good I must say) and I know it is the first time she has really looked at me since this nightmare began.

Anyway, she looked like she hadn't slept in a week but to me she still looked like a million bucks. She did actually greet me by saying you look nice! I was all smiles and told her how happy I was to see her.

We made small talk for awhile, got close to tears a few times, covered what each of us had done since Friday morning. Said a few platitudes to each other and then I told her we need to talk but this Rest. isn't really the most private place to do it. So I paid the check and we went out to the van.

The crying started almost immediately with both of us and we held hands and talked.

We covered a broad range of topics from the kids to our parents, to us and other things. Too much to write down but just know I didn't LB, I didn't smother her with ILY's, just a very open and honest discussion about our fears wants and hopes. Alot of hugging, kissing and soul searching. I explained to her how I came to the point of wanting her and the thought process I went through and how nothing but the restoration of our family was my ultimate goal.

Now since D-Day I have gone from the "ILYBINILWY" speech to "I love you but don't know if I can be In Love with you again" to today whaere she told me "I really love you and miss you" just friggin amazin" folks!

So, after 4 hours of this I tell her "what do you want me to tell the kids?" and she says....get ready for this.....I mean it, it is big....

She Says "I made this mess it's only right that I tell them whats going on"

OMG! Owning her responsibility in this!

She says it is all her fault and she should do it. I tell her, and I don't know who to credit here at MB for this but I read it here somewhere, "Darling, you take your blame for the A and I'll take responsibility for the stuff that made you feel this was your only way out", "We both have our own monkeys to tame, you keep your monkey and I'll keep mine and maybe we can train them to play nice with each other"

Got a good laugh out of that and then I told her "If you want to tell them that is fine but I have 3 reasons why I would like to do it, see if you agree,One, I don't think you'll be able to do it without breaking down and that wouldn't be good...Two, You already feel bad enough about everything, why add this to the mountain of guilt and Three, I want to do this for you because I am afraid if you look at their faces while you tell them you WILL run away"/.(earlier and a few times she has said she wished she could just run away). I think seeing their crushed looks would have sent her over the edge.

Anyway the dam really burst wide open on both of us and she hugged me and told me thank you over and over again. After whe stopped thanking and we were still hugging I said in her ear "I have to go pick up the kids, I'll tell them after dinner and then call you to come over, your still the star in my sky and the one I depend on to guide me home" I let go and got out of the van to walk to my truck. I didn't want to say anything else but after I got to my truck she pulled the van over and said "Call me, I miss you" I just smiled, nodded my head and blew her a kiss.

So later I tell the kids, I don't know, It could have been the single worst thing I have ever done in my life. I comforted them, consoled them, assured them it wasn't there fault and that we still love them dearly but I would have rather eaten a bowl of cockroaches than to tell them what was going on. There was some crying and some blaming but after about 30 minutes I had them reasonably comfortable with everything(well as comfortable as they could be at this point) and I called my Wife.

She was crying when she answered the phone, I comforted her and told her come over and see our children, they need you. She wasn't sure if she could and I said it doesn't matter if you think you can, you just have to darling. These kids need to know your here for them.

So she gets here and of course the kids maul her and want to know why she would rather stay at her girlfriends than with us. We get past all that and then the kids want to do their thing so the wife and I go in the bedroom to talk.

We had a major heart to heart, I mean old times lay it on the line kind of talk. We ran the gamut of emotions from gut busting crying to gut busting laughter. Talked about so much I can't begin to relate it all, lets just say that she is beyond the no hope at all stage to actually listening and believing what I tell her.

Thank God for MBer's, I used everything I have learned over the last 8 weeks, we talked about truth, how I overcame this, forgiveness and everything.

The kicker was when she finally heard me say "We can't change yesterday, we can only fix it today, If we don't grow and learn from our mistakes they are tragedies rather than mistakes, running away from yesterday won't fix today it will only ruin tomorrow"

Lots of other things were said but today was the first tiem she actually heard them.

I think she is going to find her way home, Not today or even tomorrow but she did open herself up finally to see the truth of the matter. The she isn't hated or reviled and there is a way to build it back up into something better.

A huge happy day for me, of vourse tomorrow is a new day with a whole new set of challenges but I believe things may work out afterall.

I couldn't br happier about todays eventd@

I will write more later,,,,,I am bea! Very exhaustin thid MB stuff

BH

Wow BH,

Gotta say that giving you a night out was certainly a good thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How you handled yourself today was excellent. You are doing good. Also realizing that her words must be followed up by consistent actions is vital. She may back pedal a bit but the steps have been taken and can not be denied.

Good job! Very very proud of you and your family.

take care,
L.

ps: I don't know about a bowl of cockroaches..... were you one of those reality show contestants? LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Well folks, It's all been one big friggin' joke.

I am officially the the biggest dumba$$ ON THE PLANET!

Wife has been in contact with this scumbag all along.

Got a call tonight and they told me she never ended it. Gee, I guess that explains her non-commital huh?

Yesterday was a big friggin' joke at my expense. Learned alot of other things as well none of it good.

I called everyone in our families and told our mutual friends and did the final exposure.

Now EVERYONE KNOWS! Should have told EVERYONE right from the start the total truth.

I called her cell and got her voicemail. Left her a long, calm message that I knew she was still seeing him, I didn't appreciate the fact that she had strung me along like she promised not too. I couldn't put up with the lies anymore.

I told her that a marriage cannot be between 3 people so I was bowing out until she got rid of him and decided to work on us.

I told her I cared about her but she is stealing my soul and destroying our childrens lives with her selfish and dangerous game, a game we didn't even know we were playing.

I told her who she could contact about seeing the children and finances but I really didn't have anything else to say until she broke it off and it was proveable.

I'm sick as I can be right now.

Screw it.

BH

Well folks, this is it. I sent this letter to the WW this morning. I really don't care how she reacts or what she thinks, I am going to a lawyers office tomorrow to file for divorce. I've taken all the crap I can take. You'll see why I have made this decision after reading the letter.

Bear with me, it is long
_____________________________________________

Since I am sure you have already listened to your voice mail by this time, even though it was probably a little disjointed and scattered, I want to clarify some things in writing.





When I first found out that you were sleeping around on our marriage of course I was angry as hell. Angry because you had lied to me, angry because you put me and our family in danger over possible STD’s, angry because you didn’t have the guts to talk to me when you felt there was a problem. You remember the day I found out I asked you on the spot, you looked me right in the eye when I asked if there was someone else and you said no. I already knew the answer was a lie because I had the e-mails but I wanted to give you one more chance to come clean. You couldn’t, wouldn’t, or you had just gotten so good at lying throughout the Affair your natural response was to lie to me. Your claim of not wanting to hurt me doesn’t hold water Kim, you had already hurt the kids and I with your cheating and lying, you had already hurt us with your plans of leaving our family for someone who has been caught cheating so many times he probably doesn’t know how many woman he has been with since he got married. You can trust the person you’re cheating with even less than you can trust yourself Kim.





Did you seriously think that by just “leaving” it wasn’t going to hurt? That somehow it would be better? No, the real reason you wanted to string me out for months and months and tell the lie was because YOU didn’t want to face your shame, disgust, and the ridicule. This had nothing to do with protecting me, It had everything to do with protecting Kim. You wanted to be able to lie your way out of our relationship so you could try to have your cake and eat it too. What did you think was going to happen in your fantasy world? Lie to Scott, walk away friends, no muss, no fuss and the cheaters live happily ever after? All the while Scott gets all the burdens of child rearing (because I won’t leave my kids) minus Brandon and we will all be fine. Broken families are good? Everyone will be fine. Broken, divorced families must be better then in your line of thinking. The both of us know how healthy it was to grow up in our own families, you know better than anyone where the path you are on is leading, you had it done to you.





So, a few days after disclosure, I ask you if it is over. How did you answer me Kim? That was 2 months ago that you promised it was over. I asked you why you ended it and what did you say? You said it was because you realized how stupid and hurtful it was and how stupid you felt for ever being so gullible. Do you remember? You said how sorry you were for having sex with another man outside our marriage, Sorry for causing so much pain. The thing is now it is really that you were sorry you didn’t get away with it. The truth is you were sorry you were caught because you had to now live with some of the consequences of your actions. Unfortunately, I was overjoyed because I had already decided that I wanted you and I wanted our marriage to work out and I knew that we couldn’t get through this or heal until Michael was out of the picture. I told you as much and you reassured me that it was over, dead and done.





So now you try to get sneakier instead of facing the music, instead of doing the right thing you involve Cindee and Joe in your infidelity game. A game you got this family into without asking if we wanted to play. All the while honing your lying skills to an art. All the while putting the energy you should have been using to restore our family into breaking up our and someone else’s family. The energy that could have been used to clear your head and make things right was wasted on a fantasy that cannot survive the scrutiny of the real world. Yet you still think you are doing the “Right” thing because it’s normal to have your guts boil, to not eat for days, to be riddled with guilt, to shun your children and husband. It’s normal to lie to the most important people in your life. It’s normal to plan the destruction of the family, to look into your children’s eyes for months knowing full well you had set us on a course for disaster. Is it any wonder you feel like you don’t belong? Why you feel trapped? It’s because you already knew what terrible things you were going to rain down on us and even though it bothered you Kim, you still didn’t stop.





The real question is Kim, why would it bother you?





Why would you care?





Your doing the “right” thing……right?





I mean, Michael is your soul mate right? I am sure he has never loved like this before right? That he has never forgotten you since he was 12 and has always wondered how you were and how much he’d like to be with you? It was so memorable for you that you don’t remember skating with him but he always has had a crush on you from that day. I’m sure he never said anything like that to the other 10 or more pieces of [censored] he has conquered while he has been married right? I’m sure his wife has never had her guts ripped out over him and his betrayal before, I’m sure his kids don’t mind that Mom and Dad are fighting a lot because Dad can’t keep his [censored] in his pants. That’s all normal family life Kim, it’s his wife’s problem that she can’t understand that he is still searching for that “special” one. It just took him 20 or 30 sex partners outside of marriage to finally get to you Kim, the really, really, really, “special” one. So this shouldn’t be a gut-wrenching decision Kim. This shouldn’t be a hard decision for you at all.





But it is, isn’t it?





Why would it be so hard? You’ve re-written our marriage so that it was a stifling, sad little thing that needed to end. I’m a giant worthless ******* that doesn’t deserve someone like you, or is it now that I deserve someone better? I can’t keep track of my status. It must have been a terrible mistake to marry someone so abusive, mean, crotchety and lazy. Or is it fat, ugly and unlovable? Or an abusive drug user and drinker, or whatever I have become to make what you are doing OK in your mind. I know it was pretty cool at first, you had a built in baby-sitter that you knew would take care of the children better than you could and you got to escape into fantasy land where troubles are far away and you could just have sex and tell each other whatever the other wanted to hear to feed the fantasy. No pressure, no real life, just an escape bubble to hone your cheating skills and feed the fantasy. It’s a great place, no bills, no kids, no Dr.’s app.’s, no “what’s for dinner?”, no “quit running”, no nothing but feeding the fantasy. It’s getting harder now though, and it is going to get much worse. It just isn’t as much fun with all the real world creeping in and trying to bust the bubble or is it me and you against the world now? Y’know, Me and you against the world, no matter what we have each other…my mistake, that was you and I.





My favorite line while you are cheating? When I leave the house and you ask me “Are you going to see your girlfriend?” Oh, how funny I thought that was at the time, I played right along with you. Good work Kim! Funny, funny stuff! Good cover!





So after you tell me that it is over, now I figure we can start restoring our love for each other. I decide to open my heart up to you again and I start by showing you I trust you. Telling you that I love you and this was just a blip on the radar screen, that over our time together you have proven that this was just a terrible mistake, it was just plain bad judgment. We are human and we can get sucked into doing terrible things in a moment of weakness. I look in the mirror and decide there are things I need to change and I start working on them. I read, read, read to find a way to forgive you. How can I do it? How can I let Kim back in my heart, forgive her and move on to a better life together? I search my soul, I search my heart, and realize that there is nothing more important to me than my family and whatever I have to do to restore it is what needs done. No matter what it is, I will persevere and grow into a man that you and I will be proud of. I will be a better father, a better husband, and most importantly a better human being.





I ask you a few more times if it is over and you tell me “Of course”, but it was all a lie. Of course your skill at lying to me has grown and like the giant dumb-[censored] you believe me to be, I suck it right up because I am so focused on showing you I am changing. Showing you what I am capable of, showing you a direction I would like us to go. The whole while you are taking advantage of my kindness and stupidity for trusting you without any safeguards in place. Trusting you for no other reason than your history with me is one of honesty. Trusting you because one of the things you had written down on your list was that I would never trust you to go out again, never trust you to go out with the “girls” again. I wanted you to know I would and could so of course I encouraged you to “go out with Joe” and “go over to Cindee’s” and “go ahead and paint Carol’s condo”. Little did I realize that you were using my concern for you and your needs against me. You must have been a little nervous the night I called over to Cindee’s house huh? I mean of course at the time I believed your story but now I realize the befuddled speech of a 16 year old and the horsecrap you fed me about her thinking it was an emergency was a lie. I never even gave the REMOTEST impression that it was an emergency, in fact, I told her it was no big deal and that you could call when you 2 got back. I know now that it was Cindee’s voice I heard in the background telling her daughter what to say. At first I thought maybe she had someone over that wasn’t supposed to be there, but I know better now that you were with Michael that night and probably most of the nights you lied and said you were there. It is a pretty cool life lesson Amanda got to learn that night, first it is OK to cheat on your spouse, second it is OK to blatantly lie to people. I can’t imagine why Cindee and Charlie are having trouble with the things she is doing, Cindee is doing such a good job of teaching her right from wrong at such an impressionable age.





Which begs the questions, how many times were you actually out with “Joe”?



How many times were you really “Painting the condo”?



How many times were you “walking around the mall thinking”?



“Out for a drive to clear your head”?



“Over at Cindee’s”?



“Getting some coffee or lunch to think”



And we don’t even have to cover “skating” do we?





All the while you are sinking deeper into the ridiculous nightmare of trying to live 2 separate lives. The life with the caretaker of what should be most important to you, your children and home, and the 2nd life that involves cheating with a married man you have known for a few weeks. I will admit, you did a great job of playing me like a cheap violin. Let out just enough rope to let me hang on, to string me out, but not enough to show that you are drifting back into our relationship. Keep me hopping and motivated to work on us without showing any sign of truly committing, keep me off-balance and unsuspecting. I have to admit that you have honed your skills of deceit into an art form. You also did a good job of faking sex with me after you had sex with him, I knew the last time we were intimate that something was wrong, thanks for emasculating me. It must have really sucked for you to have to lie there and let me, the one that disgust’s you, have intercourse with you. Did you have the guts to warn me? Talk to me about what you had done? No, you laid there and were going to let me catch whatever you might have gotten from this scumbag. Thank God I tested negative. Did you give me a choice about whether I would like to have sex with Michael and all of his former sex toys? I don’t remember you asking me if that would be OK.





Anything to hide the truth at that point, even having sex with me was better than telling the truth. Even if it made you sick to your stomach, you didn’t care because you didn’t have to face any consequences, yet. It would let you return to your fantasy life a little longer, to tell me a few more lies and run the kids and I around. At that point you are trying to figure out a way to get me out of the house, keep the kids and all of you can be one big happy family. Does “I think I can handle this” ring a bell from your e-mails? That was your statement after running a few errands with the kids. Kim, I have been doing this full-time for 10 years, I think I am qualified to say, “You can’t handle this”. What were your plans to chase me away? What did you think you were going to do to make me leave? What in our history together made you think I would abandon our children? That the bond between the children and I was so weak? I didn’t truly love our children? It just amazes me that you thought so little of me. It amazes me that at one point you thought I would slink away like a beaten dog and surrender my children for your sex life.





So we move on in time and still your letting out enough rope to let me hang myself. You cry a little, you act like this is terrible a little. You let me run my mouth on what we can do to try to restore the marriage, good job on keeping your mouth shut. You did a great job of letting me spew forth all kinds of ideas you had no intention of even considering. I don’t know how you were able to be quiet and not scream at some point “I am screwing somebody else, you suck, eat **** and die”. That is some amazing control on your part. Please, don’t act like “I was doing it to spare your feelings” or “I didn’t want to hurt you anymore” because you had already ripped my nuts off, fed them to Sadie and then rubbed my nose in the litter box. You were still trying to figure out your escape so it wasn’t “spare the feelings” it was “How can I get the hell out of here without having to admit I did anything wrong”? “How can I protect myself” and “How can I portray this as a good thing gone bad with no hope of making it better, that way I don’t have to take any responsibility for the things I have done to destroy it?”





Affair=Fantasy=Selfish Behavior=Destruction of your soul and family





More time moves on and you still do the same things, lie to us, pretend your undecided, cry a little more and in general sit on the fence to see what the view is on both sides. You do an amazing job of talking just enough to keep me interested in talking to you about things, and an amazing job of staying awake late into the night when you aren’t here but magically sleepy very early when you are. Do I notice? No, because I am focused on a goal, to make myself a better man, to make myself into a better husband and father, even though I think I am a pretty good father to begin with I make changes in the way I react to our children and everyone notices the change in them…..except you. That is because you are no longer focused on our kids in any way, shape or form. You are only concerned about Kim and how she is going to get the hell away from here. Everyone notices a change in me, except you because you are only focused on how you can get this bug off your windshield, scrape this crap off your shoe.





We can fast forward to the week you left the family. How long was this in the works I wonder? I’m not sure but I can guess it was shortly after Plan A didn’t work when you knew I wasn’t going to leave the kids because you had sex outside our marriage. That I wasn’t going to abandon our children because you had made a terrible mistake. That I had done nothing to deserve having the most important people in my life ripped away because you couldn’t keep your panties on when it came down to “Integrity, honesty, faithful, vows, family” or “cheap thrills”.





You knew it was wrong when you allowed yourself to get close to this guy, yet you let him blow smoke up your [censored]. You knew it was wrong when you kissed him the first time, yet you let it continue. You damn well knew when you had sex with him you had screwed up royally…..but instead of facing the music and making things right Kim, you decided to turn me into an ogre, our family into a joke, and your vows into nothing more than the ashes in an urn. That is YOUR thinking to justify the decisions you have made, to make what you have done seem OK, to feel like your actions are justified. In reality it is the only way you can continue what you’re doing without driving a car off a cliff. So feel free, turn me into the worst man you have ever known. I know it’s not true. I know about all your former whatevers, I know what kind of man I am and what kind you have picked out over the years. It seems that a decent, loving, caring, considerate, concerned man isn’t your style. You’re more attracted to the destructive, drunken unstable types so maybe I am just a 12 year blip on your radar screen. Maybe you are just so disgusted with yourself that you can’t handle having someone put you on a pedestal, to cherish you, to love you for you. I don’t know for sure but one thing I do know, you left OUR kids with me Kim. What does that say about me? What does that say about you?





With everything that has occurred, everything you have done, all the lies you have told, all the lies you told to cover up the lies, all the people you have involved to cover up your lies, you still didn’t have the guts to tell me you were leaving Friday Morning.



Why is that Kim?



Why would your escape to happiness, away from the a-hole, be so hard to deal with?



It should have been party-time, should have been nothing but wine and roses, you’re leaving the jack-off for your soul-mate



You are finally getting away from the drudgery of this terrible mistake of a marriage, finally able to pursue that which will finally make Kim happy. Because Kim’s happiness today, is more important than anything else and it depends completely on who is making Kim happy this minute. Kim can’t make Kim happy because Kim doesn’t like herself in fact she is sickened by her own self-image.



So, once again because you don’t love yourself, and you can’t be honest with yourself or me, you play it off with tears and excuses about “I am confused” or “I need time to think” or “ I want to fall in love again, let’s date”. In truth, you don’t want to date and you have no intention of doing anything right now but playing me out. That was just another way of not having to face the truth of what you have done. You can justify the whole sordid affair by sticking with him to prove you were correct, at least until he finds his other “soul mate” or better yet, stays with his wife which is more than likely what is going to happen, but that won’t happen because you are Kim right? You are the “special one”. You are just so different from the other 20-30 woman and families he has helped destroy. You can take cheer in the fact that while he plays you out, you will be right I guess. The cost to your soul and children is worth every bit of the price.





You played me out good on Friday, I looked at you and my heart just ached for your pain. I thought, “God, she is just so broken up, what can I do to ease her burden? What can I do to make this easier for her?” “How can I comfort her and make her feel important?” “Is there anything I have I can give her to make her see she is wanted, needed, respected and loved?” I decided I would be strong for you. I would reassure you that you are the most important person in our lives and that your absence leaves a void that can’t be filled. I would try to convey how much love is here for you, that your piece of mind, tranquility and feeling of safety was the most important thing I could relate to you. Even though you had wronged me and our children, Kim, you pushed every single one of my empathy buttons and I wanted nothing more than to comfort you. Because I had faith that “this too would pass” and I wanted to set up a loving environment for you to return too.



The problem is….



How long after you left were you on the phone with Michael?



How long before my feelings were the brunt of your ridicule or the inside joke between the two of you?



How long before the caring and concern I have for you turned into “The idiot still thinks he has a chance”?



Please don’t act like it hasn’t happened before, remember I have all the e-mails. I have seen my words turned around to make me into the stumbling, bumbling jack-[censored]. To make me into the pitiful sap that doesn’t know what he has coming. In particular, “I hope he had a good time last night, he is going to need it after today” or “I’m dropping the bomb on his [censored]” or “Don’t worry darling, I have thinking to do but your OK..love sweet”





I am encouraged that maybe the reality is hitting you and that is why you are so broken up. Maybe the truth of the circumstances are finally hitting home. Maybe Kim, you are finally seeing what I say is true. I am hopeful and bursting that possibly the fog is lifting, I mean, according to your words, you haven’t seen or contacted him for almost 8 weeks. I was to the point where I thought “Gee, maybe her leaving is a good thing, maybe not seeing us for a few days will let reality smack her around and she will finally see her way home, I’ll be the lighthouse and try to guide her back to the home port” You didn’t want guidance back home, or assurances that you were welcome home anytime. You wanted to escape your guilt and have free reign to pursue your infidelity.





You call me Saturday morning all broken up, once again I am full of empathy for you, concern for you, hoping that you can make it through another day. I say whatever I can to try to make it better for you and ease your troubles. My guts are aching for you and your pain. I truly think you are in pain for what has happened meaning, you are in pain because reality is setting in. That separation was just what you needed for perspective. I am hurt by your pain but also buoyed because I think “Kim doesn’t like this and maybe she is starting to see what is about to be lost”. I’m going to double my efforts to make her see what and who I am, what I want to become, and what we can be together. When we end our conversation you say “I’ll call you tonight about meeting” I say “Just call me either way, I don’t want to sit by the phone waiting, waiting for a call that never is the worst”. You promise you’ll call either way and you seem completely sincere and caring, concerned and full of empathy.





You don’t call.





Now your story of falling asleep, or passing out on Joes couch may be the whole and complete truth but that doesn’t cover the time between when you called in the morning and 8 or 9 o’clock when you said you passed out. You knew long before then you weren’t coming. Or, now that I am sure you haven’t ended it with Mike, were you with him and “Joe” was just another convenient way to blow smoke up my [censored]? I just don’t know, do you see where all the lying and deception has me? I want to believe everything you say, I want to trust you beyond reproach, but with all the lies, and after finding out you never broke contact with the serial cheater and have continued on you’re self- destructive path, now I don’t know what to do. For the sake of argument, I will assume you did fall asleep on her couch and by pass my ugly thoughts.





On Sunday you call me for breakfast, I was just overjoyed to hear your voice. I waited so long in the morning I was getting ready to give up, that was why I was at the tanning salon. I really didn’t think you would call at all by then. I was so happy to see you and completely enthralled by your beauty. As gloomy as it was you were like a bolt of sunshine to me, that was why I was smiling so much just to look at you. I thought things were going well, I really thought you were actually listening to me for the first time, I really thought you were digesting and sharing with me. After we were in the van I felt revitalized because I was sure you finally were hearing me, not just nodding your head. I was sure you heard my pain, my goals, my ideas and the ultimate seemed possible to me again.





Kim, when you came Sunday night, after we were in the bedroom, even though it was a tough, tough conversation, I thought there was even more headway made. I was sure that maybe, just maybe, you were starting to come around to the possibility of coming home. I thought we had covered a lot of ground and I had made you think that you could be safe here, that I would protect your feelings and that there was no grudge on my side. I thought you understood that I wanted our marriage back because I wanted an equal partner, a mother for our children, a wife that is happy and secure in her marriage. That I had forgiven you and forgiven me and we could make a fresh start and learn from the past so as it didn’t become a tragedy of epic proportions for our children, you, or me.





That was before I knew, That is all before I knew the truth.





The truth of the matter is that you have NEVER ended contact with this scumbag. It doesn’t matter how I know, or how I found out. It is the truth and Kim you can’t use my stupidity and concern to deny it. You have continuously looked me in the eye and bold-faced lie to me. You have looked your own children in the eye for 4 months knowing exactly what you were doing to them. You have strung this family out like fish on a hook. You have abandoned Brandon, leaving him to fester in that hell-hole of a home all the while telling me you were calling and doing everything in your power to get him home. How about this remark you made, “Maybe we are better off without him here, the house is in turmoil whenever he is around”. That sticks out to me like you can’t believe. Why would you think Brandon, or anyone else for that matter, would be better off without him here? We can’t be a complete family without him.





So, now that we have established at least a grain of truth, What to do with it. What am I to do with this new found information? What am I to do with the fact that you are still having sex outside of our marriage? What am I to do with the knowledge that since you already abandoned one child, it seems that it is easier for you to do it with the other 3. What am I to do with the fact that you have decided to choose a serial cheater over your own flesh and blood? Over the man that took in your 2 children and raised them as if they were his own. A man who loves them no differently from his own seed? Is it any wonder you are a freaking’ wreck?





And you wonder why you have headaches? You wonder why your life seems so fuc&ed up? Why you can’t get a handle on things? It is the lies and it is knowing that what you are doing is so wrong it is beyond comprehension.





Here is what I propose to do with this new found info Kimberly. This new kick in the gut, this new betrayal…….







You want to make things “right”?

You want the turmoil to end?

You want your piece of mind back?

You want to be the mother your mother never was?

You want to live a life without a burning gut and a tortured mind?

But most of all…..



Do you want to be happy and secure and at peace?



Do you? Or would you rather have the ghosts of the past inflict pain on you every waking moment for the rest of your days? Days filled with anguish, betrayal, and regrets or



Would you rather be at peace, protected and loved?





Here it is Kim, some of these things aren’t negotiable and I am not laying down some kind of ultimatum to you. This is completely your choice. You can choose to make things right or you can choose the path you are on. Again, it is totally your choice to decide. I am done cajoling you and beckoning to you to come home and back in this family. I am secure in the fact that I have a newfound direction in life and I know what and where I am heading toward. It’s up to you to decide if you want to come along or wave goodbye. It is very simple, I still Love you, you are still the star in my sky Kimberly, I still think you are the most beautiful and delicate woman I have ever laid eyes on and I don’t want to play with grandkids with anyone but you, and that is why I want to extend this to you, my hand.





We must write a No-Contact Letter to Michael, it must go in the mailbox and it must be followed by no damn contact whatsoever. This part is not negotiable Kim. The letter doesn’t have to be cruel, just to the point. I am going to commit to my family and I don’t want you to have any contact with me whatsoever, I expect you to respect my wishes, period, the end. You write it, I mail it. Then you can start the healing process and so can I.





We must share ALL mailbox passwords and usernames, e-mail accounts, voice-mail account usernames and passwords. There is no room for “Privacy in a marriage” it just leads to separate lives and ultimate disaster. This isn’t negotiable.





There is no room for anything but complete a transparent honesty in marriage either. There is a way to be honest while protecting your spouse’s feelings but there is never an excuse for being dishonest or dishonest by not omission. Not Negotiable.



We must also use the principle of joint agreement. It is very simple, if one of us isn’t in enthusiastic agreement about something the other wants to do then we don’t do it. If I want to join darts next year and you are really against it, I won’t See, it’s easy. And protects each of us from having decisions forced on the other.





We make sure we know what each others wants and needs are and fill them. If one need isn’t getting the attention the other thinks is needed, we will promise to tell the other and act on that and fill it. Very simple stuff.





No more sarcastic judgments. Sarcasm isn’t needed to communicate something you want. Talking is, not yelling and not flying off the handle. If you want help with something, ask for it. Don’t bottle it up until you explode with rage and sarcasm. I won’t hear it and you won’t either, most importantly the kids won’t hear it either





You and I both need to either…

Go over the material I have found to make us a stronger, loving couple or
Find a pro-marriage counselor to do individual and/or joint counseling


Either one is fine with me, either way we will be better people, parents, lovers, and friends





Take some parenting classes





Find some recreational activities we can do together that we both enjoy





Brandon must be brought home





Get yourself reacquainted with our beautiful children







Kimberly, this list is a great start, there are many other things we can do to restore ourselves and our marriage. I don’t want this to be one-sided, I don’t want you here to lorded over or to belittle. I want you here as an equal partner with equal stakes in our happiness. I promise I am not going hold this over your head or make you feel like you “Owe” me because you come home. I want to start fresh, a new day, a new time for us to build our future.



Once again darling, we can’t change yesterday but we can learn from it, if we don’t yesterdays mistakes become a lifetime of tragedy’s.







This is totally up to you. I am not going to try to coerce you into it. I am not going to shame or belittle you into it. You make up your mind how you would like to be remembered in life, how you would like to live your life, how you would like to be loved and let me know. I don’t expect an answer today or tomorrow, I want you to think very carefully about what I am asking of you and I. It will be some hard work at first but the payoff will be a secure and loving relationship better than we had before and you know we had some good love before Kim.





I think it would be best if I leave Wednesday when you bring Brandon over. I don’t want to interfere with your decision and I don’t see how I can’t interfere Wednesday. So I guess bring him over and I’ll find something to do for a few hours, you stay here and entertain for awhile, play a game or read a book, whatever. I think it’s best that until you have had a good deep soul search and really take some quality time alone to figure this out it would probably be best if Annie or Carol or somebody was a go between when you want to see the kids. Just let me know who you want to do it.



I also don’t want you to worry about the bills or me running to the bank and snatching up the money. Isn’t going to happen. I am going to operate like I always have and I promise I will only buy the bare essentials from now on until whatever happens happens.





I want to extend this to you because I still forgive you Kim and I still forgive me and I still see you as my wife, friend confidant and lover.





This is truly how I feel….

__________________________________________

I only extended my hand to let her bite it one morw time. I wouldn't know if she told me the truth or a lie anymore, the faces are the same. I am tired of being her friggin' clown

BH

Yikes, brokenhubby, I think that was an LB.

But good for you, you let her know EXACTLY what you are thinking and what she is doing.

BH,

I don't think I've ever posted to you before but for some reason I just felt compelled to read the letter...to see how others feel and what they are doing in their situation.

I agree with Believer--definite LB. But with the exception of a few things (my WH, to my knowledge isn't with a serial cheater, and we don't already have a blended family), you could have been writing that letter from me to him.

Talk about hitting about 20 nails on the head! That's how I feel. He told me at first there was nothing to worry about. My gut told me better. Then he slept with her. And he promised it was over, completely, he was the gullible fool who hadn't listened to us when we warned him and he was sorry. I kept sleeping with him. I found out over a month later that they were still sleeping together on a regular basis and not only that, but she's a pretty loose person sexually who has been with who knows what.

But yet I still want him. I continue to hope, while he plays me along. I don't need to rewrite what you wrote to explain. Just know that while I'm not sure it's a good thing that you did in sending it, I do COMPLETELY understand your feelings.

LL

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

BH-Didn't read all your letter, just scanned it. Wow some powerful stuff, I am not able to get my feelings down on paper quite so clearly. Very jealous of your skills. Plenty of LB's but it had to feel good to get it all out. I have written some letters like that but keep them for my eyes only.

You held a mirror up to her face and the reflection does not look pretty. Let us know how she responds and what your plan is now.

Hey everyone,

Thanks for your replies.

I'll let you know when I get a response. I don't really care right now one way or the other how she responds. I am prepared for it to go either way but I know it is going to end in the big "D".

She doesn't have the courage to come home, even if it is what she would LIKE to do, she won't do it. It's more important that she never admit to a mistake or take responsibility for her actions.

She is the original conflict avoider and will do or say anything to avoid any conflict whatsoever. It isn't just me she cannot be honest with she has been a lying machine to everyone. The lies are what I can't live with anymore.

Allowing her to continue this in front of my children is something I can't live with either. She has spent a total of of 5 minutes with our children since Thursday night.

The whole thing is just completely out of control and I can't live like this anymore.

If she chooses to work on us...great
If she doesn't...great

Either way the kids and I will be happy and she won't be if she goes.

BH

She doesn't have the courage to come home, even if it is what she would LIKE to do, she won't do it. It's more important that she never admit to a mistake or take responsibility for her actions.

They all must be alike. This sounds so much like my WH. It's a pride thing for him. He admitted it, though in different words, a few nights ago. He has great difficulty in saying he's sorry or owning his actions.

He also is a master at lying...always has been. If the truth is going to hurt him, he will lie 99.9% of the time. (And yet I love him.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

I just wish I was as strong as you sound like you are--saying you and your kids will be fine no matter what. I think my kids will survive. They are teens. But I truly can't imagine him not being a part of my life. I often entertain thoughts of "do I really want him back", but when it comes right down to it, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without him.

I do hope your letter gets through a few layers of your WW's fog.

LL

Well, Lordslady, Limbo, Orchid and all,

I got no reply from her about the e-mail, not like I expected one. She is a gutless coward that will always take the easy way out.

She brought our one son over last night (it was our night for visitation, I have the other 3) I told her I wouldn't be there when she got there and I would come back after she left. The only e-mail I got was from her at 11am yesterday saying "I hope you get this, it is important B see you too." I didn't get the e-mail till I got home after she left. If it was was SO FRIGGIN IMPORTANT why didn't she call my cell?

I have him this weekend so I wouldn't have stayed even if I got it in time, I don't want to see her, look at her or even remotely feel her presence.

Anyway, I am divorcing her. I sent my terms to her and told her I wasn't negotiating with her in any way on the things I listed. I don't want her back or her mental problems.

I did nothing to deserve this, my kids did nothing to deserve this and we aren't going to suffer through it any more.

I want to thank you all for all your support over the last 2 months or so and I hope all turns out well for you and you get what you truly desire.

I guess I am moving my post over into the divorce section now.

Here is the e-mail I wrote her about getting a divorce.

________________________________________

Nothing is going to change. You’ve sunk too deep into your twisted fantasy world, and more importantly I can’t tell your lying face from your truthful face.



So. I am going to do what you do not have the guts to do.



Your crying on Friday pushed my empathy buttons so I told the kids you were out of town. Dirty, stinkin’ job, but I did it for you. Sunday your crying and gut wrenching misery pushed me into telling the kids you moved out. To save you the grief and heartache of doing it yourself. Because I was afraid that if you saw their faces you would never come home. Of course now I wish I hadn’t, Now I wish I would have let you do it since your crying was all an act because you never intended on coming home. Suckered me one last time, hope you enjoyed it.



So, one last time I will do the dirty work. One last time I will do what you cannot.



I want a divorce.



I want this anchor off my finger and you out of my life. So I contacted some Attorney’s about it and here is the general terms that I gathered. I’m sure your fantasy is worth every bit of this. I have the money for a dissolution, that is where we agree on terms and end it. A contested divorce is expensive. A dissolution is about a thousand dollars and I have $1200 from a networking job I got today. I complete it Monday. A contested divorce starts at about $2500 and needs around a $750-$1000 dollar retainer. That is just for my attorney, not yours, so it will be around $4-5000 for a contested divorce.



Here are my terms and I am not negotiating these with you. I want you to understand I am not going to bend. You want to play? You want to escape? This is what your fantasy is going to cost. Please feel free to call around to see if I am being unreasonable, I think you will find that for the last time I am treating you fairly.



The van is sold and the proceeds are split 50/50
The children are in my custody.(Bradley, Cassie, and Mason)
Child support
Alimony till I graduate or 2 years, whichever comes first
Half of any retirement earned
My health insurance paid for 2 years or until I graduate, whichever comes first
You carry health insurance for the kids and I.
50/50 split for any incidental child rearing expenses
Half of all College expenses
Half of all medical/dental co-pays for children


Those are the big one’s, there are many little things that I am more than willing to discuss. The one’s I have listed are not something I am going to budge on and once you call around you’ll find out for yourself if I am being unreasonable. Just make sure you are honest when you call the Attorneys or you won’t get an honest opinion and will cost yourself a lot of more money because if you contest I will sue for lawyer’s fees and get it. It’s not a threat, just the facts.



That is going to run about 1300 dollars a month for child support and alimony, just so you know.



Let me know tomorrow before lunch and I can have the papers drawn up by close of business. Even better, let me know by 8am and I can have the papers drawn up by lunchtime. The faster this is over the better in my book. We could even take the red-eye to Vegas and be divorced by Friday morning.



The faster the better, 12 years of my life in the ****ter is 12 years too long. I don’t want to wait another minute.



There is your freedom, and mine as well. One of the side benefits of selling the van is you’ll have enough money to pay for Mikes attorneys to get him out of his marriage, then you won’t be adulterer’s anymore and you can live happily ever after. Hey, you wanted to walk away and now you get to.



See, there is a bright side to all this Hun. Also, now that the cat is out of the bag you won’t have to do the “fake tears” and “all broken up” act for me anymore. That should be some sort of relief.



I don’t want to sit on this and drag it out, I have the money and I want this done. I want my freedom from your emotional and psychological problems. I want my freedom to find somebody honest, respectful, decent, caring, loving, moral, with maternal instincts, and psychosis free.



One more thing, I am filing a restraining order at the same time against Mike so you don’t drag our kids into your sick little world. It will be in effect for one year. He will not be allowed within 500 feet of our children. The Attorney is writing it up and filing it either this week or early next week. It isn’t an unusual request when one partner is having sex outside of marriage and causes the breakup of said marriage I found out. They are usually granted to prevent any detrimental effects on the kids.





Let me know

Hi BH,

All I can say is I'm shocked at how fast everything turned out. But I couldn't blame you we all have our saturation points and when that's hit for some there's no turning back.

IMHO, I think it was too soon for a D you could have done a Plan B first and see if that will jolt her. This is too easy on her but I guess you don't want the long and painful and uncertain journey either of Plan B so D in your opinion will just end the misery and rollercoaster ride.

I've read here in the MB that you still don't stop hoping even after the D is served but each to his own beliefs. I know you are itching to move forward and everyone of us here too in this site so the only thing I can tell you right now is Good luck on the new chapter in your life and may God be with you and your beautiful children.

Take care my friend and hang in there,
BF

Hey BF,

The thing is she isn't going to change. If she was able to lie to my face day in and day out for 2 solid months while insisting nothing is going on and she is just trying to see if things will work.

How will I EVER trust her again?

I really can't tell her lying face from her truth face, and that was what really sent me over the edge.

Does this mean I don't love her? No.

Does this mean that when her world comes crashing down here real shortly I won't comfort her? No.

It does mean however I cannot stomach another second of being clowned by her, disrespected by her, or made the fool anymore.

I guess I feel like it is time for her to have some real consequences for her actions. It doesn't mean I will never be open to reconciliation but it will be on my terms if ever.

In the meantime I am going to enjoy my kids, my life and start dating. Start socializing again.

Who knows what life brings us?
Who knows what our future holds?
The wife and I are still joined at the hip by our children which will give us a chance to see the better side of each other in a way that has no expectations.

So, Who Knows?

BH

BH -

Even if you get a D, you will still have to go through all the grieving and pain. I hope you will stick with us and start working on yourself, and your new life.

You will start feeling better. So take some comfort in that. I have been going through this for over a year now, and have emotionally detached enough where my days are good now.