Thanks believer,

Wife came over last night to bring over one son. She ended up staying from 7 till 11. We talked a long time about things and neither of us really want a divorce.

She is still seeing him(although she tried to say it has been 3 weeks, I know it isn't true but let it slide for the moment)I say "so if you don't want a divorce are you willing to explore reconciling and doing the things to fix this?"

She says "I don't want to say yes or no because I don't know what my honest answer is"

Whatever that means?

So we moved on to normal everyday topics and chatted for another hour or so. She tucked the kids in and we continued.

She stayed so late and was giving off the "sex" signals but my radar is so F-ed up I could be wrong. I swore I would start following my gut and I should have last night. I was worried about rejection and also if the sex didn't turn out like she thought it should that would be her sign to end it for good.

Anyway, she is coming over this afternoon or tomorrow evening to visit with the kids. I think I am done talking about this for the time being. I am exhausted.

I did have the papers drawn up but I guess I'll wait a few more weeks to see what happens before I file.

Damn I hate this, I was so sure of everything and now I am confused again.

BH

Well you know what women love, affection and carressing without sex. Try a back rub, or rub her feet with lotion. Be very reserved and not that interested in sex. Tell her you just enjoy making her feel good.

Anyway that is what works with me.

Hey everybody,

I am going to give plan B a chance. I need help with writing it however and any suggestions would be appreciated.

After seeing how broken up my kids are and knowing my one son will bescrewed if we divorce, I am going to give B a shot.

The A is ongoing if that matters.

Any help out there for a weary pensmith?

BH

BH, This is the Plan B letter that Jon (the BH) gave to Sue (the WW) in Harley's 'Surviving An Affair':


"My Dear Sue.

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and creat a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as your are seeing Greg.

With my love.

Jon
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jon delivered the letter to Sue and he also sent a copy to Greg with a note at the bottom saying:


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope this helps. Good luck and stay strong!
BF

Thanks BF,

I remebered reading that and I took your post and reworded it to fit my situation.

Sent a copy to the wife and the OM with the same addition to it.

I don't really know what else to do and I know I can't live with the daily turmoil in my life anymore so I hope this provides some sort of relief for me and I can concentrate on our kids and work and homelife more.

We will see said the blind man, we will see

BH

Hi BH,
Just wondering how everything's been on your end.

Quick questions for you: Are they living together now or is W still staying with your cousins?

You know my case right, but am not in Plan B yet as my coach didn't think I should be there yet.

One thought for you that could help you understand them as I am understanding my SO's confusions and doubts right now is that their feelings change from moment to moment which could explain the reason for the rollercoaster ride so hang in there. They say we can't do anything except step back and just tell them that we love them and are waiting for them to come home.
It's their battle not ours so we have to let them figure it out in their own time and own space.

Hang in there once again! How was your IC by the way?

BF

Howdy BF,

How are things going? If that isn't the loaded question of the year...lol.

The wife moved into her aunts empty condo, I knew it was going to happen all along so it was no big shock. There was no way she was going to stay with her cousin for long considering her disapproval of the whole situation. Y'know, these WS's don't like to be around people that disapprove of their behavior, imagine that?

of course these living arrangements are going to destroy us financially but she doesn't care.

The kids are taking it very hard and I am trying to be as strong and nurturing as I can.

I sent the letter to her Tuesday and didn't hear from her until Thursday...here is the exchange...


I GOT YOUR EMAIL YOU SENT THE OTHER DAY-

I NEED TO KNOW WHEN I CAN COME AND GET THE REST OF MY STUFF-I THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER IF THE KIDS WEREN'T HOME BUT I AM SURE YOU DONT FEEL THAT WAY -LET ME KNOW WHEN I CAN COME OVER.

I HAVE TO PICK UP B SUNDAY AT 10 AM AND TAKE HIM BACK AT 7PM- ARE YOU PLANNING ON GOING TO YOUR MOM'S SUNDAY? I WOULD LIKE TO SPEND SOME TIME W/ALL THE KIDS WHEN I PICK UP B THEN I CAN BRING THEM HOME AND YOU COULD HEAD OUT TO YOUR MOM'S IF YOU WANTED WITH THEM. LET ME KNOW ABOUT THAT ALSO.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ME:
come friday around six bradley will be here, we wont, I dont know what else you want doesn’t make sense to empty the craft room or attic. Might as well leave what you don’t need now here

take the kids 10-7 Sunday

please show me a touch of decency and respect my wishes, find someone to communicate these issues to me in the future. I know this is last minute so I understand

I am trying to protect my love for you, this family, and our marriage. I am not mad or upset or trying to be disrespectful in any way.

I am doing this because I love you and I don’t want to lose that if/when/ever you decide to come home. This way I can dwell on the good times and can box up and throw out the bad

I hope you understand
__________________________________________

HER:
WELL- I GUESS I UNDERSTAND TO AN EXTENT BUT I DONT SEE WHY I CANT EMAIL YOU ABOUT THE KIDS AND THERE ARE OTHER THINGS IN THE HOUSE AS WELL THAT I WILL NEED
____________________________________________

ME:

I know you don’t understand why you can’t e-mail about the kids. It is mainly because any contact at this point is dragging me back into this nightmare and I need some peace of mind. I cant be a good father or work on myself if my mind and heart are in constant turmoil every time I see or speak with you under these circumstances.

I tried to be very clear and express to you exactly how I feel on numerous occasions and when you ask me a question like that it makes me feel like you’ve not listened to me and haven’t really read anything I have written. I thought I had let you know about my pain, my anguish, my sorrow…..the gut-wrenching nights and loose stool, lack of appetite, sleeplessness, headaches. I want it all gone. This won’t get rid of it but will lesson the severity somewhat. Please re-read my e-mail carefully and think about what I am saying. No anger, no disrespect, no revenge towards you whatsoever just a simple protection of the love I have.

Every word is a kick in the nuts and every sighting rips my heart out. that is why I wrote what I wrote Tuesday, because you don’t understand.

So it is better this way.

What other things do you need, or what other things do you want


____________________________________________

Then no reply.
I don't really want one and I hope she doesn't contact me although I think she tried to call last night. All of us were in bed early last night and about 9:30 the phone rings, unknown caller so I get out of bed, see it and don't answer, not 10 seconds later my cell starts ringing, same thing unkown caller(she has caller id blocker on her cell) so I don't answer and go back to bed.

I don't know what else to do at this point, things haven't changed much around here physically because she hadn't done crap around here in so long that I am used to doing everything. It is very hard though not getting 2 seconds to myself to gather my thoughts. And the kids need me now more than ever so I guess it is good and bad that I don't have time to dwell.

I guess I just need a pick me up and for her to not contact me at all, then if she does lose her mind completely and doesn't come home, I'll be able to handle the kids better and get myself back on track without this being a fresh cut on my soul.

I just don't know, any other plan Ber's out there that have any advice.

BF, I just hope things are better on your end than they are on mine. Let me know...details darling, details.

BH

Hi again. Once you get into a strong Plan B, things will get better and you will start feeling better. But you need to have NC except for kid issues.

It would be good if you could have a regular schedule of when she sees them. That will eliminate the constant contact.

Are you getting child support? Might be a good thing. I would not worry how broke she gets.

Hang in there and stick with us. Plan B really does work and you will start having a nice life again.

BH,

Sorry to hear about everything. You need to talk to a professional when you're on Plan B. I will send you email tonight ok when I get home.

AS for details, oh quite long my friend:

Here it is: No actually I posted here - "It's only when they move out that they can come out of the fog".....well actually I was supposed to say "Sometimes it's only when they move out"

Anyways, my SO is still in a confused state even though he had a "lightbulb" moment when he discovered that the OW is cheating on him.

Here's the story: SO moved out APr.12 to "clear his head." Gullible me believed he was doing what he said was doing so I was in great Plan A. He comes to the hse for his work and would have dinner with us and then go back to his apt, calls me before he goes to sleep.

Last wknd, I asked him if you can come over since S is sleeping over friend's hse and he said will just have a cigar and later. Came hm 3 AM and told me he saw OW with another guy. Gist of story, he confronted the guy and OW and he learned he's slept with her and dating her for 2 weeks now.

Sunday nursed him with his realization thinking that nothing was going on as he mentioned that their meeting at the bar was coincidental. Still terrific Plan A.

Monday - put a voice activated recorder in his ofc and found out the truth:
He moved out to focus on her alone and also to see if his feelings for me will be stirred. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (isn't that an irony)

Oh well, here's the discovery: OW didn't put out she was always b****ing about why he hasn't sold the hse car etc...and showed so much attitude for the times that she visited. No they're not living together...he started missing me during wknds where we used to shop, do stuff, wake up to me on a Sat and have brkfast cook etc. and he realized that the X factor is not the only impt thing.

K confronted him with the tape and of course it jolted him to realizing what he knew he had along, his deep love for me and the A was just a fantasy and the OW is a big joke.

Called my coach and we devised a plan. Well and good, 2 days later he's again doubting, in confusion state etc...

My mentors told me that this is a natural phase for the WS and I should expect this. Their feelings for me are real but they are also dealing with the loss of their fantasy. In short... their feelings change from moment to moment to moment.... They say you can't imagine the turmoil that's going on inside them worse than what we are feeling! Maybe this will help you be sympathetic and understanding.

Once I heard that I had a sigh of relief. Apologized to him although he said it's not necessary and advised him to go to my coach. Back to plan A again.

There's the gist my friend. Now since you've send your Plan B letter I suggest to stick to it and no contact whatsoever. Let it go to VM, don't respond to her emails except when it concerns the kids. Be strong i think you are gettting stronger everyday...I know it's tough but this is the ultimate strategy that will jolt them somehow.

Chin up amigo and do something over the wknd to get distracted...

Hugs to you!
BF

Thanks folks,

our finances are still tangled up and she doesn't seem to be in any hurry to untangle them. So I am just drawing down the accounts as usual.

BF, I am going to keep myself busy this weekend. Today I have scrubbed the house from top to bottom and the kids are outside playing so I can get a few minutes of peace. A very rare commodity lately...lol

The W is picking up the kids tommorrow morning for Moms Day, why I have no idea, and keeping them till 7. I am going over to visit my Mom while they are gone and take her to lunch. At least there is one mother in my family that deserves her day.

I had the kids buy W some flowers to plant and some cards for tomorrow. Unfortunately I have a card and some stuff I bought about a month ago and I am torn as to having the kids take them with to give to her. Any thoughts? Would it break contact? They aren't mushy or lovesick.

Anyway need to finish the bathroom and get busy again.

Thanks for everything
BH

one more thing, I sent this e-mail to the OM this morning.

__________________________________________

I know that you are involved with my spouse. I love her very much and want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with Kimberly is not okay. It is coming between us and is making it impossible for us to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with her forever.



Do yourself a favor, go home and face your wife. Devote yourself to her so that you never feel the need to destroy another family again, including your own. It will be hard work and you will have to face the terrible and disgusting, disrespectful things you have done to your family but in honesty, time and patience you will have the family you always wanted.



Be a man for once to your wife and children instead of the focus of their anger for your irresponsible behavior. I think your poor wife and children have suffered enough because of your inability to keep your [censored] in your pants. How much time and energy have you wasted on other woman at the expense of your wife and children over the years? How much time and energy that should have been devoted to your family to make your home life stable, loving and nurturing?



Be a man and take care of your responsibilities at home like you vowed too.



Just grow up and be a man.
____________________________________________

right or wrong, I needed him to know

BH

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: BrokenHubby ]</small>

Hey everyone,

Plan B may not be so bad after all. It is Mothers Day and I really don't care. I thought I would be a wreck today but I woke up, worked out, made the kids pancakes and bacon, finishing up the laundry I didn't get to yesterday, got the kids all showered, dressed and ready, and getting ready for WW to pick them up and go tan then visit my mom for her day.

The only thing that is putting a wrench into this day is oldest son does not want to leave with her. WW will be here in 45 minutes and he says he is going to go out and tell her he doesn't want to go with her because he doesn't want to be around her.

OUCH!
He is 15 and I can't really stop him but damn that is going to hurt WW on Moms Day, well at least I think it will. I hope it will then at least I would know there is still a spark of Motherly instinct which I highly doubt exists in her at this time.

Anyway, I know there are going to be bad days but I found on Friday some sort of peace that I have no idea where it came from. I cleaned out our bedroom and washed the walls Friday and bought some paint to change the look, maybe that is part of it. I took down all the stuff she put up like her crossstitch that she made that says "Our Love grows stronger each day we are married" Kinda made me sick to look at it y'know?

Anyway, Here is to a good day

Hope all you Mothers out there have a great day with your kids and I'll say a prayer for you.

BH

Sorry your 15 year old is so hurt. I guess you can't force the issue. Just try to have a good day today, and avoid contact.

You will find that Plan B really works. You will start feeling better and better. It is good that you are keeping busy. I did the same thing, put away everything in the house that reminded me of him.

BH,

Not to dampen the good feeling that you have which is great because there will also be days that are intolerable, days that will be lonely and very very sad and days that you wonder can I still go on another day without a sign of hope coming from her?

I felt like you the first few days he moved out in fact I thought woa this isn't bad after all but as the days go by I would come hm to an empty house I felt an extreme sadness...sadness for the loss of our togetherness, sadness for all the dreams shattered and sadness of being on your own where the two of you used to be.

Just a warning it's going to be tough and tougher but at least you're more protected from her thoughtless, selfish and inconsiderate ways.

Give yourself a pat in the back for being kind to yourself as there will be days when you would feel angry not just at her but also at yourself for letting her do this to you.

Actually it's now that I appreciate the people who's been through this journey because it's very hard to let go of your fears, hopes and dreams but remember this is not a permanent place. You know when the boundaries have been reached and the compassion is gone.

Yesterday I thought I had lost it for him but there's still some drops there but am being honest with him about all that I feel and where I am at this stage. Where it will take me I don't know - they say it's darkest before dawn and I hope one day I'll see dawn shining upon my face and lighting our paths to where God has really intended for us to be.

Continue to read Page's book - have you started on that yet? This will keep your focus on yourself and not her.

Let us know how this day went for your kids and their mom.

take care,
BF

Hey Everybody,

Yesterday was just another day I guess. It kinda sucked because I have a lot of good M'sD memories. We always did something nice like have everyone over for a cookout, me making something special for a gift, the kids making something special (I'm into handmade rather than bought, more love goes into it)I did still have the kids make something, I did as well. I rook a mason jar and made a prescription label for it and filled it with funny quotes and inspirational sayings, the label says "PICK-ME-UPS, Take 2 every morning and as needed throughout the day" I also gave her a non-mushy M'sD card.

Anyway, the kids go out and my oldest tells her he doesn't want to go, she asked why and he told her, because I don't want to be around you anymore. That just hurts, and I mean me as well. As soon as he said it our 2nd son says "I don't wanna go either, let me out" She told him to be quiet and they left. What a crappy situation. I guess its a part of the consequences but it truly hurts me as much if not more than it hurts her.

THank God she hasn't sunk into this sickness so far that she exposed them to the OM yesterday. If it goes on any length of time I am sure it will occur but at least not yet.

I went to my Moms and spent the day with her, all by myself. It felt good. I wish my brothers and sister were there but ir was nice to hog her all to myself. She is still crushed by all this, she truky loves my wife like a daughter and feels abandoned or like a child has died. She wants nothing more than for us to reconcile for us and most importantly for our children. She raised us divorced and knows of the repercussions.

When the kids got back, #2 came in to talk to me and hug for awhile (she came back 20 minutes early so I could see him) We cried for a little bit and I told him how sorry I was that it was like this for now. He then went on to tell me how empty WW place is. It ate my guts up to listen to him and I didn't prompt him in the least. I am not interested in using my kids to spy on her or get any info.

She has a rocker, the TV from our bedroom, a twin bed, 2 lamps, a clock (from our laundry room)and thats it! It just breaks my heart to think of her in those surroundings. I mean we don't live in a palace but she deserves better than that stark environment. I know it is of her own making but it still doesn't keep me from wanting to drive over there and wrap my arms around her and comfort her, to tell her to come home. I'm a sap. glutton for punishment, or I still love her.

I didn't see her or talk to her so I guess I don't feel as bad as I could.

BF, I know there are going to be bad days, days when I just want to throw it all away he11 I have already had those. I know she is in turmoil and on the coaster as well, she has lost so much weight, weight she can't afford to lose as she was already very thin to begin with. If she doesn't start eating soon she is going to get sick.

It would be so much easier if I could just hate her! This dam MB stuff has sucked the hate out of me, making me feel compassion for somebody that wronged me in the most hurtful way. The Harleys stole my hate and anger and I want it back right now....lol

Well, I scrubbed the house of her influence and tonight I am going to paint my bedroom, need a change, especially in there. Good thing paint is cheap, I have a feeling I'll be needing quite a bit of it before this is over. The WW was good at complaining about stuff not getting done but as I look around she sure didn't jump up and do any of it. So I guess I will and then I will enjoy it. Its either going to be a comfortable place for her to return to or it is going to be a comfortable place for me to raise our kids and for me to find a new relationship.

Thats about it for now.

BH

Hi BH,

I just read your thread and wanted to say that you're doin alright. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I am going to be painting too soon,especially in the master bedroom that was our's.I have this big california king size bed and I still only sleep on my side.Such a waste.lol I may just sell it and get something smaller.Even if WH does come back I would want to start anew,in a new bed with new loving memories or perhaps,if he doesn't come back, new and loving memories with a new person.LOL Sick

It is sad to think about our WS's ging through such hardships to continue on in their A.Your wife hardly has any furniture to live with and my WH hardly has any money to live on.We have all the comforts of home and WH is living with his boss,working 12-14 hours per day.Oh well.You reap what you sow.

Hang in there fellow Plan B'r.

O

Thanks OctoberGirl,

I think I am doing OK, and I hope I am doing the right thing.

Really, really hope I am.

I have come up with three questions I ask myself each morning and every night before I go to bed.

See what you think.

1. Do I still lover her?
2. Do I still want to be married to her?
3. Can I live with the aftermath the affair has caused i.e. repairing our marriage,family relationships, friends, trust, anger, honesty?

The day I can't answer "Yes" to all three I am filing for divorce or at least legal seperation.

Today I still answered yes so we'll see what tomorrow brings.

BH

I just read the rest of your thread... (I posted once earlier on after following a link out of GQII)

Yipes...

I don't even know what to say...

So many similarities.

Stay strong.

This is a game of patience. Well, not a game, but you get my point. I'm into it almost 7 months now. (5 separated) I think she may be coming home soon. ...ish. Still not sure what that will bring.

dewt

BH,

You brought up some of the same questions we all ask.For me,the answer to all the ones you posted is a resounding: "I don't know".I really don't know if I still really love my WH.I think I do but it's not the same as before,He ruined that.Do I want to still be married to him? Not sure either. I treasured our marriage and our vows and I hate the thought of a D.But WH ruined that too.It's not the same anymore or anywhere near worth salvaging I'm afraid.

Can I live with the aftermath? That's the hardest part.I had a very brief taste of recovery when my WH came home for the second time to reconcile and all I can think of is how horrible it was.Wondering if WH was telling me the truth,was he sneaking behind my back to talk to the homewrecker,was he really feeling love again toward me,could I get past all the pain and suffering he caused me and how he left me basically to die while he ran off to be with and defend and protect the trashy homewrecker instead of me,his WIFE of 13 years,partner for almost 20 YEARS,mother of HIS children????? THAT I don't think I can get over,ever.

WH is truly no longer the man I married,He is something and someone that I do not like to be around,it is painful.He is an alien and a selfish human being.He has truly been abducted and lobotomized.I am the one taking pills to get through my days while he floats along doing zero to save our marriage and our family.My girls and I are better off without his selfish,self centered,lying,cheating ways.

I don't need to ask myself these questions anymore.I am slowly realizing that my life isn't going to be with this man anymore.Too much to get over,insurmountable some days.And he still hasn't stopped the adultery,going on 8 months later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Just keep taking care of you and those kids,that's what is important.

O

October,

You nailed it.

The thing is I believe in the MB principles. I would love to use all that I have learned on my wife.

Let's be serious here though,

Even though WE are not responsible for our S decisions, the shame still carries over. People look at you like "what's wrong with him" or "He must suck in bed". It's one of the things that kill me, I did nothing yet I get to feel ashamed and embaressed for her because she isn't showing any. I get to feel like less than a man because I couldn't keep my wife satisfied at home. I get to have the thrill of explaining to friends and family why the W is gone. I get to carry all the friggin water and don't even get a drink.

The money thing has just broken my back, I truly told my FIL that if she didn't screw with the money I was going to stick it out until the end of September, a week later she is screwing with the money to the detriment of our children. The complete lack of consideration for our children is what has done it to me.

Forget me for a second, how does a woman abandon her children and then try to shortchange them financially? It is like the ultimate proof she has no maternal instincts.

Anyway I am done venting. I have to sleep on it and see what tomorrow brings.

More Sh** I am sure

BH

Broken -

I will tell you one thing. The A probably has nothing to do with you. Yes, your self-esteem is in the toilet. But that does not to always have to be the case.

Our society says that the BS couldn't satisfy the WS, but that is not true. My WH was not that good of a lover (he has improved since he has been with OW). So my take is that it is nothing about how good of a lover you were, or were not.

It is mostly about the WS. They are lost and confused.