All she does is say she doesn't want to talk to me, and stays on her computer all day, or the cell phone.

Well you are going to have to try to protect yourself. But you are very early in this. So things may come out fine.

Sounds like you and I are in the same boat.

Our 20th anniversary is on Wednesday. I'm going to give Plan A another try then, asking her out to dinner. My guess is she will reject me again.
I've asked several times for her to cut off all contact and go into counseling with me.

I read the do not's, that's good advice, the problem with Plan A, there are no do's except to be patient.

My wife doesn't come home at night until past 10pm but so far she comes home except for a few times. My sister say's to hang on and wait before going for divorce, she had an affair, and is still married with her first husband...that gives me some hope..in fact my family is very supportive of me (4 members) as I've told them of my status...

I would like to reconcile but so far no go.

I'm giving up hope each day though.

I don't think Plan B will work for me only because my wife has shown no remorse for her affair while I have shown an interest in resolving our problems. Moving out will snap us.

Told me today, on Fathers day, that she wants to start filing the D paperwork.

How are you doing Family Man?

How long have you been in Plan A?

I've read that BH's should Plan A a WW for 6 months before going to Plan B...

Here's things I thought about to help motivate me while in Plan A:

I had to remind myself to keep my expectations low to nonexistent. I see in your posts lots of comments about doing so much, telling her you love her, etc. but her not responding positively. As many posters have already pointed out - she isn't going to respond positively because she needs to justify her actions and/or wants to divorce. You have to remind yourself to just keep giving (while in Plan A anyway) without expecting anything in return. When you expect, and then get disappointed and hurt because your expectations aren't met, it can easily turn into angry love-busting on your part. Don't do Plan A with a self-pitying attitude.

Plan A isn't about being a doormat but about making a final investment in the relationship to fulfill the WS's emotional needs. Remember you are choosing to do this to try to save your marriage, you certainly don't have to do this if you don't want to (I'm sure most people you know would understand if you just divorced her). The difference is in your attitude, if you give from strength there's really nothing doormat-ish about it.

And if that doesn't work to motivate the WS to (eventually - it DOES take time) want to save the marriage, then you will have no regrets because you will know that you did try. Even if she doesn't appreciate it and does end up divorcing you, Plan A will still have served a very good purpose: You can be proud of yourself for doing all you could to try to save your marriage.

Also, if/when you do go to Plan B, having done an adequate Plan A (both in length of time and quality) will give you the confidence to STAY in Plan B until the WS has a change of heart (and more importantly actions), or until you are over the WS and really are looking forward to a brighter future without the WS.

Maybe your WW just thinks your changes are temporary and/or some sort of manipulation tactic. In that case, she would need to see you be consistent in your efforts over many months and would not want to give you any positive feedback until she's convinced you've made a permanent change.

There's also the whole chemistry/addiction thing going on with adultery; she's deep in foggy thinking and only when the fog lifts will she be able to clearly see what you've been doing for her. Don't worry that all your efforts now are therefore wasted... sometimes it takes a really good Plan A, followed by a Plan B, for the effort put into Plan A to start to pay off.

Maybe on the really tough days the only motivation you will come up with is meeting her needs and being nice just so she will have more severe withdrawals when you go to Plan B? (For example, if you're feeling angry and hurt, use it to motivate you to Plan A even better instead of falling for her attempts to start arguments.)

But for the most part, try to remember she's just not herself right now and you have to be the strong, loving one all by yourself for a while.

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

I've been going back and reviewing all the info I found last year whe I renewed my committment to try to save my marriage. I had gone to a site I found about divorcing as friends. I had found out that my WH was having another affair (as all the red flags had indicated), we had already been separated for over a year, and he had filed for divorce. So I figured, that's it, it's over and I should just try to 'get on with my life'... But I learned things at the divorcing as friends site that gave me hope that maybe it wasn't too late. The first thing I read there helped me see that my WH and I had been caught in a downward spiral at the beginning of the separation. Neither one of us understood the dynamics, we were just reacting off of each other's latest words or actions, each feeling more and more hurt and rejected. It would only take one of us to break the cycle, by resisting the natural tendency to react with anger or withdrawal when the other said or did something hurtful (because THEY were reacting with anger or withdrawal to something previously said or done...)

With that little bit of motivation that maybe it wasn't too late, I then searched for and found other sites about saving marriages. This MB site gave more insight and specific plans to follow.

I am referring you to this info now in hopes it may inspire you to keep trying. When I was in Plan A this info helped me to not LB, to not react with anger or withdrawal when my WH would try to sabatage my positive efforts.

I am still trying to find the info I initially read about expectations leading to hurt/anger (when the WS disappoints you and then acts like they don't give a rip that you're hurt). I might have read it in a book instead of online...

Anyway, here's the intitial info I came across, practically a miracle since I only went there in a spirit of giving up and getting on with my life!:

http://www.divorceasfriends.com/focus.html

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Meremortal, thanks for the reply and interest. I responded to you on the General Questions

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

Okay,

I've read and understand the parts about your WW needing to respect you in order to be able to begin the feelings of love. I realize some of the ways I have diminished the respect she used to have for me, and have tried to turn those around.

I guess things are moving so fast in the wrong direction I feel like I'm doing the wrong things, or at best nothing of value.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>