<B>1. When a marriage is rebuilding and trying to heal, is the affair ALWAYS in the back of your mind?</B><BR>Only because she continues to want to keep a part of her secret from me. If she were as open and honest as she was at the beginning then my answer would be no. I think she gets defensive because I show that I don't trust her by going through her things much like the woman on Lifetime on Monday night. I have gone through the trash and smelled her clothes. It was amazing how much that lady did that I did and still do from time to time.<P><B>2. Do things people say or movies in general that have any sort of infidelity in them 'trigger' thoughts?</B><BR>EMPHATICALLY YES! It doesn't matter what the movie is about. It can be one scene in the entire movie or something someone says that makes me get that empty sinking feeling along with anger and great hurt. We watched the movie 'Somthing about Mary' I died at the end of the movie when Mary came outside to ask the guy if he meant everything he said.<P><B>3. If you don't know full details of the single sexual encounter (my H didn't want details), do you try and visual what happened?</B><BR>Not really. But for me knowing all the details is important in my healing process. I think the shock helps to get me past wondering in those weird moments when the thought flashes through my head. I still get visions when I pass through certain parts of town about two of the OM she has slept with.<P><B>4. Is the infidelity thought about every day?</B><BR>No, I try to keep it out of my head as much as possible because it causes me to become down and angry and hurt all over again each time it pops into my head.<P><B>5. Do you always 'wonder' every time your spouse who betrayed you talks to or about<BR>someone of the opposit sex?</B><BR>Only when she is acting suspicious as she is right now. However, right now I think guilt is getting the better part of her which explains why she is being distant. Last night she preparted my plate for dinner. Didn't think I would get that treatment ever again. <BR><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P><BR>

Brynn:<P>I've only been going through this for about two and a half months...but my honest answer to each of your questions is "yes."<P>My wife had an affair recently after 15 years of what I considered to be a happy, normal marriage. She doesn't know yet whether she wants to rebuild the marriage. I can only hope and pray she will decide she wants to do that. If so, I know I have the capacity to forgive her...and to do all of the things that will need to be done to turn our marriage into a much better, more intimate one. I sincerely hope this will eventually happen for you.

A HUGE THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO REPLIED!<P>So many good responses.<BR>So many honest answers.<BR>So many words of advice.<BR>So many suggestions.<BR>I can't thank you enough.<P>I want to learn as much as I can about the whole infidelity subject and you all helped. I often don't understand my thoughts or why I feel certain ways and things seem to 'click' with me when I post. It helps to know what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. I have a long way to go but know I will get there. Hope you all don't mind if I keep asking questions. <P>I know I was wrong to have an EA. Everything happens for a reason and I am still trying to figure out what that reason was. Even though I have commited myself to rebuilding my marriage, the OM is still a huge part of my life (and he has no idea how much). I still have many thoughts about him and what it would be like to have a life with him. Please friends, don't alarm yourselves with what I just said. I'll post later on the subject cuz I got some questions about that too. <P>Take Care,<BR>Brynn

Brynn,<BR>As you sort it all out, you may want to explore what you think about marriage and your value and belief system.<P>Are your vows for life or is your idea of marriage more conditional?<P>Do you believe you are accountable for your own life and your own choices or do things just happen to you?<P>Do you believe love is a decision and and action or do you believe love is an elusive emotion over which you have no control?<P>Do you believe you create your own happiness or are those around you responsible for "making" you happy or unhappy?<P>Is your own happiness ultimately the most important thing in your life or do can you make sacrifices for the good of others?<P>As you search for answers, search within. Determine your own beliefs and values then make goals that will allow you to live your life within your own value structure. Ultimately I believe this brings a sense of peace.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Faith Hope Love answered this sooooo well!! My H gave me more details than I cared to know. I try not to LB now, and believe me, Plan A really is working....my H appreciates it every time I know that he is down and thinking of her that I do not ask questions.......I know the part I played in this mess and looking inward instead of looking to blame him entirely has made me stronger. Please keep Faith's response in mind it really got to the heart of the matter.

1. When I am w/ my W trying to heal, the affair actually isn't in my head. I guess I just compartmentalize(sp?) it, trying to concentrate on W.<P>2. Triggers are a huge part of my problem. I work w/ the Om, who was a very good friend of mine. Nuff said <P>3. The worst part for me is visualizing the kissing. The sex details, which I know about, don't bother me as much as the kissing. I just consider kissing as much more intimate than sex and that is what I visualize and get hurt most by.<P>4. LOL I'm not saying the question is silly, but you're asking people who frequent an infidelity board on a daily basis. Yes I think about it daily, mainly due to #2 above, plus the fact that we have book upon book about relationships/affairs/etc all over the house now!<P>5. I do now. My wife has always flirted w/ my friends and did the same w/ the Om and now I just "suck" it up and don't say anything (No LBing allowed) but not all men, just friends of mine.<P>BTW I would write these questions and any other Q's you might have and give them to H in a letter, explaining how you feel and why you need to know these things. If he wants to talk, write back, or do nothing, thats fine, but you just wanted to learn about what he is feeling.

you could read the thread called "facing the reality of what they did, how do you handle it?" from this afternoon, it gave me some good perspective, it may give you some also...a peek into what your husband may think deep down.

Your situation sounds similar to the "encounter" my wife had. My answer to all your questions is YES.<P>However, I love my wife so much that I have been the one holding us together. I understand everything about what happened---I made her tell me because I didn't want to imagine it anymore. It helped. I understand enough about her past and enough about psychology to know why she did what she did.<P>Understanding was the first step for me. Once this was accomplished, I understood that she still loved me and that we would be alright.<P>Make no mistake, this took almost two years of effort....arguing...screeming...crying...loving, but it was worth every minute.<P>I wish you the best and I pray for your husbands peace of mind so that he may eventually forgive and so that the two of you may move on.<P>Good luck to you!<P><P>------------------<BR>"Love isn't someplace that we fall, it's something that we do"--Clint Black<BR>

Brynn,<BR>Some good questions, wish my H was asking them as sensibly as you do, I wonder at times if it's because he doesn't really want to know what I am thinking, if he's frightened. I also think he trys to avoid thinking about the affair altogether and there are times I don't want to talk because I know I will create a bump in the road.<BR>In answer to some of your questions yes, I do think about it alot, but not as much as I did a year ago. Yes, there are triggers that set me off. Yes, there are days when we don't have this hanging over our heads more often now than before but there are days........well, onward. I wish I could erase some of the stuff that goes on in my head when I think about him and her together. I have the impression from him that she wasn't that exciting but in my mind there was hot and heavy and I still believe that there must have been for him to continue to go back for more. I do have to say this, we have made so much progress in the last year, and I don't think about the affair nearly as much, I think we have a good chance at making it. But we talk alot more than ever before. I would wait and give him time and space to talk with you about it, don't let him bury it too deep to not talk with you about it. Communication is major major healer, don't let him bury pain, frustration, anger or ignore that there was a problem to begin with for you to have had the affair.<BR>God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

YES YES,YES to everyone of those questions. I go crazy in my mind. I try not to let my H see. But he does. He notices when I look in his car, call him every 5 seconds, asking where his, who he is with, to recap his whole day. It is always in my mind. What he did. Did he do it? If he did, did he say and do things that we did? I picture the possible event over and over. Then I tend to get sick. I don't want to feel these things, but I cannot help it I wish I could forget but I don't think it will go away. It has helped that we tend to try to talk more. We started couseling and are working on communication to bring back trust. If you don't talk, you cannot begin to heal the wounds, its like and infection, if you dont get antibiotics and think it will go away on its oun it probebley will get worse and you will have to amputate.LOL? I hope this helps you. Good luck and remember communicate even if it hurts, don't attack, be reasonable, don't hold anything back, Anger can sometimes be misread and fear and hurt. <P>Good luck <BR>Christine