Sid-<BR>I for one think it is too soon to tell him with conditions for reconciliation. What about conditions for even beginning to talk about reconciling?<P>This is the one thing I did with my H that seemed to have some effect. When he would bring me stuff on the move and want me to look at it, I finally said that I would love to and would love to be in a position to consider moving with him. But that while he was still in a relationship with OW, I could not have those discussions. I was not willing to start talking about reconciling/moving until the affair was over. This was the bare minimum and I left all discussions of counseling, no contact, etc until he had stopped the affair. I think this helped him because it was hard enough for him to think about ending the affair - if I had discussed all the other conditions up front as well I am sure he would have balked.<P>Just my two cents - hang in there sidney!<P>Starpony

Hi Genie,<P>Yes, I hope you are right. I think that maybe the fantasy IS getting tarnished by reality. And, I have been backing off, actually doing pretty well at it too.<P>But, now, he is asking me questions about things that would involve US. Like what kind of puppy I would like to get, and moving with him in the spring. I just don't know what to say. <P>I'm beginning to believe that my number one request should be that he get into counseling. OW is just a symptom of his problem not THE problem. Then, of course, WE would need some counseling.<P>Did your H ever get individual therapy for the affair?<P>Thanks so much for your support. I really appreciate it.

Hi Sue,<P>I can't believe you have a Giant too! They are so rare. So smart, and such good guard dogs. Gretchen was only 12 weeks old when I got her for H. She & I spent the first evening together until he came home from work. When, he went to hug me, she nearly bit him! I wouldn't mind getting another one. But, at the moment, there are too many uncertainties.<P>Hi Nabilqad,<P>Yes, it's very, very hard to do the Plan A thing when they refuse to end it. I can't really give you any good advise. Except, do the best you can, with the understanding that you are headed for Plan B. Therefore, you want his most recent memories to be good ones. Hang in there.<P>Hi *Pony,<P>That's very good advise. What's the point of discussing a reconcilliation when the affair isn't over. <P>I'm in a quandry though, as I'm beginning to believe that I should insist he get some counseling first. He needs to come to grips with his inner turmoil, the "hole in his soul". That's what he is really running from. I think that OW is only a distraction.<BR>I do agree with your point in focusing on the one main issue first.<P>Thanks for you insight. It is much appreciated.

Sidney,<BR>To answer you r quetion about counselling... yes and no... but mostly no.<P>Follow your heart and if you feel that pressuring your H about counselling could cause adverse effects.... then don't do it.<P>Sometimes... we just have to be there for the ones we love in the way they feel as if we need them and not in the way we feel they do.<P>Give your H some time to work it out on his own. Making demands is considered to be LBs, regardless of what those demands are. Let him make his own decisions about counselling, he may decide to on his own after awhile, but insisting will only make him more opposed to the idea. <P>Genie<BR>

Sidney,<BR>I still think that when he asked you about the move you tell him what it would take for you to move. I would consider it if you were in counseling and not seeing the OW. Then drop it. It would then be up to him. He would know where you stand. He is the one pressuring you right now because he keeps asking about moving. I think he might want to know where he stands and what it would take for you to move. I think his being in counseling would be you top priority. My in laws are pushing that H get into therapy. I think if that happens he would realize what he has done and would leave the OW.<BR><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thanks, Genie. Yes, you're right. All I can do at the moment is suggest it. If he doesn't bite, then there is nothing I can do. Sorry to see you leave. But, I understand, I really do. Thanks for dropping back in and lending us a hand. Your debt has now been repaid. Best wishes for a happy and healthy life AND marriage!<P>Thanks, Diana. Yes, he IS pressuring me. I hadn't thought of it that way. VERY good suggestions. <P>I am feeling very down today. A combination of running out of my meds (need to get into town for a refill) AND discovering that my HMO does not cover the county where he currently resides. I'm so tired of having to worry about everything. Be the responsible one, when he has the luxury to do whatever suits his needs without any thought to the possible consequences. I'd better stop now before I start crying again.