Sheba, <P>Thanks for the kind words. Being that no one until now has posted during our conversation I didn't think people were actually reading it because of the length. LOL<P>I usually just read the threads and not post but when I first read this I knew this was the topic for me. I want to help keystone see why his W might be doing the things she is doing. I want him to understand the emotions. I hope he can see that.<P>I am at this point in a very bad position. I was doing fine, all this posting was doing me good. Keystone brought up a lot of good points for me to understand too. He is in effect saying to me "don't do it". Be strong. <P>Then I come on to check back and theres an email waiting for me from the OM. I haven't had contact with him in almost week and I was taken back by this. <P>I am trying to stay strong and I will continue to post. It does help!<P>falsely accused<P>

falsely accused --<P>PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't respond to the OM. Don't give your H the impression that you are having an affair. You're working so hard to discredit the accusation, yet you're seeting yourself up for (possible) trouble. <P>There have been a lot of posts regarding breaking off contact with the OP that you may want to check from before the holidays. Susan, Zip, and airheart are three people you should ckeck out in particular regarding breaking off contact.<P>Now, let me catch my breath... Okay...<P>I agree with you about the confidence. I usually am very confident, and always have been. This entire episode with my marriage has completely turned my life upside down. I no longer trust my instincts which makes the confidence go away. Yes, I'd like to think the other sex friends are in competetion with me, but it doesn't appear that way. They all share so much with my W that I no longer share. And, my W doesn't seem to want to reopen that door to me. If I push too hard, I LB. If I don't push to demonsatrate to her my intentions, it looks like I don't care what happens to us. It's a real fine line that I've managed to step over a few times lately and have backfire.<P>Another note -- These friends of my W are not oldtime friends that she grew up with. These are basically a range of people that, at longest, she's known for about 7 years. Most she's known for less than two. And, I've been included in little to no events with them as a group. She's stated that "they" think I'm anti-social, and "an a**hole" so I don't see much in the way of an attempt to get together either. I wonder how they got this impression if they really don't know me -- only through what my W may tell them.<P>Incidentally, when she uninvited me to their Christmastime party, she told the "group" that I was sick, so I couldn't come. I was not sick (had gotten over the flu the week before) and had accepted my W's invitation to join them. Wonder what else she tells them?!<P>Regarding my working with other women, yes. My job has probably 30-40% female employees, some which I work in close contact with. But, I have been quite deliberate in my attemtps to distance myself in any personal manner. I don't see these women outside of work, or after hours. When we go to lunch, it's for business and generally as a group. I work in a profession (media) where many people have a tendency to "stray" due to long hours (12-14/day) and many trips (of long durations) away from home. It was something I promised myself I would not do to my wife or family. My wife can always get me through a number of sources -- office phone, pager, cellphone. <P>Sheba -- Good to hear from you again. You were one of my big idols when I first joined this board. <P>Yes, FA hits on some really pertinent issues and I do recognize the significance in my own marriage. I hope that I can execute them properly!<P>Look for another thread, and I'll take the suggestion to reference back to this one.<P>--keystone<P>

Keystone,<P>Sorry its taken me so long to get back here. I needed some time away to think and regroup. <P>I did something really stupid Thur. night and had to make it up to my D by being available to her. I'll explain. Instead of holding this major LB in, because I didn't want to take it out on my H, it came out on my D when she snapped at me. I know being the adult I should have held it in but I was at a very weak moment. I didn't realize that when I did this my H had been in the house(just walked in, late as usual). That was not a very good start to the night for us(on one of the few nights he is actually home). I had not been feeling well last week and really needed him to be around and he wasn't there for me when I needed it the most(and the strange part in all of this is his hours have been cut back by his work and he was home more last week then he has in a long time). I was lucky to be able to make it from the bed to the chair at the computer and back to the bed yet I still had to cook and clean and all the other stuff that comes with being an at home mom( I don't get sick time!). So I took a couple of days and did what I had to do to repair the damage that I did. Enough said on that. <P>Ok I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I didn't answer that email I got the other day. I did. Since then the only contact that we have had is the emailing of jokes back and forth, nothing else. As long as its only jokes going back and forth there is really no need for me to hide the fact of these emails. I have read the past posts about breaking off contact with the OP, but I can't seem to do that at this point. However, it is getting less and less that we have contact. <P>As far as your confidence in yourself being shattered because of the things going on in your relationship, you really need to work on getting that back. It will only make you a better person. I should know I've been there(practically my whole life). As a kid I blamed myself for my parents divorce, when in all honsesty I knew it had nothing to do with me but with my fathers alcohol and abuse problems. But as a kid you don't realize that. As an adult I do and have worked through that. I have become a better and stronger person for dealing with it. <P>On your another note issue-- I understand what you are saying. I feel the same way about my H and all the women he works with. Do I ever get included in the things they talk about or things they do??.....NO. He won't even email the jokes they send him to me(here we go back to the two way street again!). I happened to go to that store(night job) with H just before New Years and let me tell you how uncomfortable it was for me. All the looks these women gave me and the looks between H and these women and then the stares I got made me wonder what is being said behind my back. It really makes you sit back and think, here he has all these women to lean on and I feel guilty about having a friend help me out with a situation with my D(in which this friend has good experience in dealing with). Its just too bad my H was no where around when I needed to discuss this issue. <P>I read in one of the other posts that you two had a dinner out. That you were able to look each other in the eyes. Great start I think! Keep up the work on that. <P>As far as I go I don't know what will become of all this. Some strange things have been going on here the past couple of days. He had a farely good week with his moods last week(except for this weekend see your other post on quality time), it was a nice change and I was receptive to that part of him. Then, on Friday night when he was getting ready for work , well, all I can say is it took him forever to primp himself(hasn't done that since before we were married). I noticed a slight smell of aftershave on him(hasn't done that since before we were married either). All this to go to work!! Yet when hes home I'm lucky if he'll take a shower. Hum......makes you wonder, huh? It has been metioned here(and in another post) that maybe him accusing me had more to do with what he is doing. I always stuck up for him. Who knows??? Not me thats for sure! But I what I think and what I will actually say to him are two different stories. I WILL NEVER accuse him because I know the pain it has caused me. <BR> <BR>By the way theres another part to my story under sexual aversion. Just thought I 'd let you know theres a lot more to all this.<P>Confidence Keystone!<P>falsely accused<BR>

keystone - Without commenting too much on what you and others on this thread are saying on the subject, I'd just like to share my experience, which you might find helpful.<P>My W is a consultant of some stature in her profession. As a result, she has numerous male colleagues and clients some of whom are also good friends. She also has several good friends who aren't colleagues, but are male. Is this a source of trouble? Damned right, but I don't see any way around it. I don't really think that you can legitimately limit a spouse's friendships only to people of his or her own sex. If do you try, especially if you try to "lay down the law," I think that's only going to contribute to the problem.<P>I know for certain that my W did have a brief fling with one of her colleagues (she was single at the time)about a year before she and I met. And she does still stay in contact with this colleague (who's also a friend). I don't really have any problem with this, as she told me about their little tryst and how and why it ended. And I'm convinced that it did, in part because we live on the opposite coast from this guy!<P>I've hacked her email account and from time to time read emails from some of her male friends who sometimes sign them "love," and sometimes tell her they miss her, and she signs hers to them the same way. Still no problemo, as I can tell from the content that there doesn't seem to be anything beyond just friendship going on. (One colleague-friend did write something once like,"I still find you very attractive, but understand that you're spoken for." That's about as close as any of her email has gotten to something I would find really objectionable. No, wait a minute, another guy (with bum legs) did just say something like, "If I were in better health, I'd spirit you away from that no-good husband of yours." Hmmmm.<P>Well, this is a fact of life that I just have to live with, and as long as I know who the guy is and the kinds of things he's saying to her, I can deal with it. But (big BUT), it's the one she DIDN'T tell me about (in fact erased everything about him from her computer) who's the culprit. If you've followed my continuing saga on this forum, you know that I finally ID'd the guy and, yes, he also turns out to be an "old friend" from the past.<P>And I know that she calls lovers "friends" because I was one once. When we started seeing each other, she was already involved with someone else, and when writing to this guy, kept referring to me as her "friend." So now, any time she refers to a man as a "friend," the alarm bells start going off.<P>At least that's one useful thing about her having an OM. I don't have to worry so much about her OTHER male friends. (At least I don't THINK so!!!)<P>Regards and blessings, <P>--Wex