Hi guys,<BR>I am writing this to give a few reasons as to why I don't post much. I had been posting fairly regularly when I first signed in to this site. Most of you have noticed that I haven't been doing this much, any more. The biggest reason has been that I feel somewhat uncertain of the responses I will get. I know that Nicole has been e-mailing several of you privately because she doesn't want me to see the "real" feelings she has. She has said that she wants to be able to say what she feels, without holding back to avoid upsetting me. I must say that I had been thinking things were going well, until she let me read a letter she was sending. I feel now, as if it was all a bunch of BS. The feelings of "normalcy" were slowly starting to come back, and I was beginning to feel like things could be ok again. These feelings have now gone away. I feel like there has been very little progress in our "rebuilding" phase. I am seeing now, that she feels basically the same as she did 6 weeks ago. This just intensifies my feelings that she will continue to hold on to these feelings of suspecting something is going on, and that I am hiding things. I don't feel as if she is going to trust me again. I don't believe anymore that she is going to "let go" at all. I am sure that you have noticed me saying "I" alot. That's because these are my feelings, not hers. I am relating what's going on in me, not trying to sum up our relationship. I know that some of you will get an e-mail regarding this post, and yes, it does kind of bother me. It makes me feel as if what I say is being scrutinized against what she tells her e-mail "pen pals". I don't really feel that comfortable here anymore. It really sucks, because I want to feel like I can say what I think without fear of being "judged". I'm sure that I will continue to post in the future, but I know that it won't be "all out" anymore. I don't mean this to sound as bad as it may but, I have felt since the beginning, that it seems the "betrayed" gets so much more support than the "betrayer". I think that everyone involved in an affair needs special support ( I said support not coddling), even though there are certainly those who get hurt on a far greater scale than others. I don't believe that we (betrayers) are all "bad people", I think that some people make "bad decisions" within their relationships. These are probably just my own insecurities, I'm sure. I know that you have all been VERY OPEN AND HONEST with me. You have been very candid in the things that you say, and with your advice. I don't believe that any of you guys have held back (ie; Frank, Dazed and confused, and New Beginning), not that I want you to either. Anyhow, I just wanted to give you some insight on my position right now.<P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik<P><p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited January 07, 2000).]

Hi Arik,<P>If you notice, I have not been posting much lately either, and neither has my H... and believe it or not, for some of the same reasons as you... <P>I do not believe in the concept of TOTAL HONESTY. That said, I also believe it is often (<B>not always</B>) a problem when both spouses post here. There have been so many times that David and I have tried to be open minded enough to read the other's post and not be hurt by it. Can't happen for us. And it has caused BIG problems for us. I think that people NEED a place to vent, to be who they are, to hurt and heal - <B>ALONE</B>. I understand your apprehension.<P>But I do have something to say about your post... you said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>This just intensifies my feelings that she will continue to hold on to these feelings of suspecting something is going on, and that I am hiding things. I don't feel as if she is going to trust me again. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Geez Arik, it hasn't been that long for Nicole, and you never really completely gave up the OW. <B>Of course</B> she's gonna have some trust issues, you know??<P>Also, Arik... although I sometimes feel "bashed" it is very infrequent because I had something from the beginning that you did not: remorse. You came here with the attitude that you were going to remain friends with Chrissy no matter what! I came here with a wish to kill myself for the pain I caused my H and my family. I was in withdrawl from the OM, and so felt that I loved him, but also loved my H. It takes time to get through withdrawl, and the betrayed spouse needs to know, or at least believe, that when the withdrawl is over that they will again be #1. You couldn't say that - ever. No wonder Nicole is hurt.<BR>And no wonder you weren't received with as much support as you expected.<BR> <BR>You aren't a bad person, you just made a bad choice. Just like me. Just like other betrayers here. If someone else has a problem with you, it's <B>their</B> problem. You just keep on doing what is <B>right</B>.<P>I really like your new quote, Arik... I see growth and a desire to make your marriage work... that's a good thing <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

Arik,<BR>Though I'm not one that Nicole has supposedly been writing to I can say with sincere honesty that maybe that's a good thing. When my H and I went through the affair and I didn't know about this board I think I would have gone crazy if I didn't write things down in a journal. I needed the outlet just as much as you probably need the outlet of writing on this board. <BR>The other thing I think you should be aware of is that if Nicole didn't love you as she did she probably wouldn't have let you in on some of the deeper emotions that go through the betrayed person. I know those feeling and they can be intense and scary to the betrayer. These things do hurt and they do take time to get through, but I truly believe that once you go through the emotions and let down those barriers that what comes is good, very good. It's just so darn hard to communicate sometimes. I hope you feel better about things here, it's just such a good place to communicate honestly and know that people with answer back as honestly as they can trying to tell you what they believe you need to know. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Well, I am a betrayer and have been betrayed in the past. What do you EXPECT Nicole to feel? She is not going to have trust in you for a very long time. Why should that rob you of your feeling of normalacy? My husband still doesn't trust me and we have been in recovery for 10 months now. I don't want him to trust me. I want him to verify what I say and do, so I have an opportunity to rebuild that trust I have taken away by my actions. Dr. Harley says not to trust your spouse, to fill the love-bank so as not to leave room for one to even want to stray. I am sure it would be unsettling to read things that are negative about oneself, but you both are trying to recover and get through this rollercoaster. Stay focused on your goal of putting back together the best marriage you ever had! <BR>~And stay away from the OW! <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Raskal (edited January 07, 2000).]

Arik,<P>You might find this post to be harsh, but I feel like I need to say this.<P>If you want your marriage back, YOU MUST GIVE UP OW!! PERIOD!! It is not fair to each one of you to continue this relationship, if you are trying to work on your marriage.<P>Let me ask you a question. Can Nicole trust you? It seems to me that part of your insecurity lies in the fact that she has secret "pen-pals". Arik, you have a secret "pen-pal" too, and THIS is the source of conflict between you two.<P>Every time you contact OW, it is pouring salt into an already festing wound of Nicole's. If you want her to heal, you need to stop pouting the salt .<P>You can't start to 'rebuild' your marriage, when there is a 3rd party still involved. It just won't happen.<P>I am NOT putting all the blame on you, Arik. I think that both of you have some issues that need to be resolved. I won't go into them, you know what they are.<P>I see you BOTH working your butts off here to save your marriage, but it is not working. You are pushing; Nicole is pulling. See the problem.<P>I know that total honesty is a problem here. I too, have a problem with this issue. I do think that some things are better left unsaid. However, I do not this this applies, when one of the spouses in continuing an extra marital relationship. You need to be honest w/ Nicole about OW.<P>Nicole loves you. You love Nicole. I can hear it in your words. For Nicole to "let go", you have to be the one to "let go first".<P>I am sorry if you take offense to this. This is only my perspective on your situation. <P>Sorry, Arik, but if you want to be married, you can't have your cake and eat it too.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

A short note to Raskal,<BR>I am not the type of person who likes to be "verified" or "checked on". I never have been. I'm sorry if this makes me sound suspicious, or unremorseful, it is just the way I am. I will never feel comfortable being asked about what I am doing or who I am talking to. This is one area I feel that can't be generalized into something that everyone must do in order to save a marriage. I am not a professional in this area, and maybe I am way off the mark here. I don't believe in the statement "don't completely trust your spouse". I feel that you need to have absolute trust in your husband or wife. It is unfortunate that people have affairs, and maybe too much trust is the cause. If I can't ABSOLUTELY trust Nicole, then what does that say about me? That I am a good and loving husband? I really don't think so. It says that I am way too controlling and way too suspicious. Sorry, that's just me.<P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik<P>

Arik,<P>Are you still having any contact with Chrissy?<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

Hey Sheryl,<P>How are you????? Long time. Hope all is going well.<P>Cheryl<P>PS- Sorry to horn in Arik

Yup Sheryl, <BR>I am having contact. Work contact, that just started yesterday. We haven't "spoken" since my last out of town trip. I "contacted" her once, to say Merry Christmas via IM. I am not a believer in the "change my job and move" theory. I must talk with her to get my assignments. I can't say that I even feel bad about this. I don't like the fact that Nicole is apprehensive about it. I know that it is to be expected, considering the circumstances. I refuse to quit my job (it pays extremely well, and I like it). I would like Nicole to accept this fact and "move on". I think one of the biggest stumbling blocks has been this "clinging" to the bad stuff. Can't we focus on the good and let these moments of bad go????<P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik<P>

No offence taken ceecee...feel free!!

Just a sec, Arik...<P>Cheryl, Hey, Hi, and Howdi do?? I'm not doing too well... maybe an email is in order?? I'm happy to see you too...and I miss you. Big Hugs!<P>Arik,<P>Thing is, I work with OM as well... and here's how I see it:<P><B>IT IS HELL ON EARTH AND MY MARRIAGE WILL NOT SURVIVE UNLESS AND UNTIL EITHER THE OM OR I GET OUT</B>.<P>Honest to God, that's how I see it. If we live by "shoulds"... yes, we (the betrayers) should be able to be adults and get passed it...just be "friends"... and I'll tell ya, if the affair was a fantasy, the idea that you can be friends with the person you, um, er... had sex with outside of your marriage, is a MUCH BIGGER FANTASY. Are you gonna tell me that you don't think of her naked, want to touch her, don't at least *think* about being with her when she's around?? C'mon... I've been there, I <B>am</B> there, for gosh sakes... I know what it's like! No, not every time I deal with the OM is filled with sexual memories...but how about "talking" memories, or "crying" memories or "laughing" memories... ????<P>For me, I won't be happy until I get away from him. It's just too hard to function with him there. I can't just leave right now, but a plan is in the works...believe me, as soon as I can I'm getting as far away from him as possible!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

Well Sheryl, I will certainly admit that I do sometimes think of the "talks" and the sex. I even miss them sometimes. I also realize, as an adult, that these things are not a part of my marriage. It doesn't make them go away. Me leaving my job wouldn't make them go away either. I am not saying that it's easy, or that it's not going to hurt sometimes. Does it mean that I am unreasonable in my thinking, or just a different person??<P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik<P>

One other thing to add here, Sheryl.<BR>YOU work in the same place as your OM. I live and work one thousand miles from Chrissie. This makes things a little easier to deal with. It's not likely that I'll bump into her at the office.<P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik<P>

You know what Arik,<P>I was off for two BLISSFUL weeks, and I didn't see the OM except for one fleeting moment as he drove my me in his car (it's a rather small town). <P>I swear, although I didn't forget about him, by week two he was a distant memory instead of daily paraded in front of my face. <P>I went back to work this week, and OH MY GOD, it has been horrible! Nothing has gone on for eight months, but when I answered the front office phone it was his sig. other, and I had to deal with seeing him, talking with her (she didn't know it was me, thankfully) but... it was a terrible week. I can barely function there. How I wish that I could just say Hi and Bye and How's the kids? But I can't even look at him without seeing "the man I had an affair with"...there's just no way around it. NONE! And it makes me want to cry. <P>I think you secretly want Chrissy back...in your life, in your bed...back with you. Yes, you love Nicole, but not as much as you love Chrissy. It's unreasonable because Nicole is your wife, Chrissy is not. It's wrong, which I <B>know</B> you know. I know how it feels to miss her... so you have a choice to make... you <B>can't have both</B> in your life. That's the tough part, huh Arik?

Arik~<BR>Have you walked in Nicole's shoes? What would you feel if the woman you put absolute trust in came home and said she was having an affair on you???<BR>I can't believe you think she should just let go and trust you once more without you earning that trust! Your way out base on that one, you have to show her the reason she has to trust you again. You should be the one wondering weather or not your doing enough to work this out. Too bad that life isn't that easy, that you can't expect a simple I'm sorry and things to go back to how they were, it isn't reality. You need to get to work, son, if you think thats how life is then I should warn you, it doesn't come on a silver platter.<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Hello Arik,<BR>I don't have anything to offer as far as advice is concerned. I just wanted to say hello and that I have been thinking about you two. I continue to say prayers for you both. Talk to you soon.<P><P>------------------<BR>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.<P>www.widesmiles.org/gallery/britanie<BR>

Hey, there, friend. Sorry I'm late. I actually slept last night!!<P>Well, you've already been told that continued contact, even via e-mail will keep the OW in your mind. Shoot, Honey, you know this already! Don't worry, you're one of many who wanted to hold on to contact and pretend you're doing all you can. It's normal. Everyone either comes around eventually or loses. Either way, they learn. <P>CAN Nicole trust you already? What, you're expecting super-human things from her? You just told us you e-mailed a "Merry Christmas". Is that all? No other IM's or e-mails from you or OW? "Nicole, I want you to trust that I'm not gonna have an affair anymore, I just want to 'check in' every now and then, after all you have to understand, I'm very close to this woman. I don't want to give that up for you. I still think about her and want to be with her, but you have to trust me or I'm gonna give up on YOU."<P>Arik, be real. You've betrayed every trust Nicole ever had in you and just b/c you SAY "you should trust me now", she's supposed to automatically be able to DO it? Especially since your next words are "But don't ask me what I do, who I talk to - that's MY private life"? <P>Time, my friend. It takes time. You're not over this OW yet and you know it. Nicole cannot begin to trust you until you are. Period. End of story. And then it will take a while. But NOT forever. But, don't ask her to keep HER end of the bargain when you're not keeping yours.<P>Headstrong fella, aren't you? OK, me too. Heard a lot of "I will nots..." in here. OK, I can agree that we all need to stand by our principles. So tell me, what ARE you willing to do to show that you can be trusted? Not say, but prove. 'Cause actions speak louder than words, right? Aside from words that COULD be empty (I mean, at this point, why should she trust words, right?) , what are you willing to DO to show that your family is the priority in your life? That's where trust comes from, right?<P>Her e-mailing some of us is a good idea. Not just because she needs to vent those feelings w/out hurting you, but because in e-mails with each other, we can be even more honest (believe it or not!) than we are on this board sometimes. And Nicole's had MORE than her share of that from us, too. What I've noticed. When Nicole gets her hand slapped by the friends who loves her, she takes a while to think, understands why we're doing it and tries very hard to use the info she's been given. Takes a few tries sometimes, I've noticed, but she doesn't just get mad and walk away.<P>We're all honest with you and with her b/c we care so much. And of all the things I've said to you over the last few months, you DO KNOW THAT I CARE ABOUT YOU! If I am going to be your friend, if I am truly going to care then I have to tell you the truth. Otherwise, how can you trust my friendship?<P>You say you've been bashed a bit. It's true. I also remember the bad days (and you know me, I checked old posts) when you were shown nothing but love, support, atta boys, pride, sympathy - everything in the world. Friendship and support goes both ways. And honesty is crucial.<P>I'll admit too that I've seen some general "betrayer bashing" on this board and it bothers me. Hurt and anger take many forms and generalizations sometimes happen. But, for the most part, most here realize the suffering and trials on BOTH sides and supports both betrayed and betrayer. But support does not and cannot mean complete agreement with everything. I've also noticed that MOST of the "roughest" posts YOU'VE had come from former "betrayers", NOT the betrayed. Hmmmm......maybe they know what they're talking about??????<P>You need to post. You need to hear what we have to say. You guys have issues (BOTH of you!) that need to be addressed. But, like everything else, it's your decision. You know what works and what doesn't. It's been proven by thousands who have come before you. Now, of course, you could be that one special person who's better and stronger than ALL others that doesn't have to do the usual things to lose all feeling for OW and fall madly in love with your wife. Arik, dear, I think you're special, but not quite that special.<P>Just getting out some thoughts here. Not gonna tell you what to do. You're a good man inside. You'll figure it all out. You're holding on to a bit of false pride and ego that's preventing you right now. Don't get mad and don't worry about it. But you may want to know that that's the same thing that brings about the "bashing" that's so hurtful to so many. Think about it. I have faith in you. I really do believe that one day you will rise above that petty stuff and discover your REAL pride and strength - I know it's there. Once you do, I have no doubt that you'll be fine. And strong, and good and worthy of trust. I sure hope it doesn't happen too late, Arik.<P>Hang in there,buddy. It's a hard road and you haven't even begun the journey. And that's NOT from Nicole's e-mails, but from your posts. I have to assume that, like most of us, you both write from your own point of view. <P>Oh, and we love you - BOTH of you. That's why we say what we say. (OMG, I do sound like a mother!!!)<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Arik}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>Lori

Arik,<P>Well, I have the audacity to post after Lori and think I can add something! <P>Lori sums it all up quite nicely, too!<P>My only thing to add is that the withdrawal is making you sabotage your relationship with Nicole. It has only been a few weeks and you aren't near over Chrissie yet, as Sheryl pointed out. You are LOOKING for things to get ticked off about, maybe???<P>Trust is a gift another gives you when it is EARNED. You give trust back to another when they EARN it. Right now, Nicole is NOT trusting you because there has not been sufficient time and action from you to earn her trust again. Right now, you are NOT trusting Nicole to ever "get over" the affair and move forward, because in fact, she hasn't and she isn't. It isn't realistic at this juncture for you to expect anything less.<P>Don't fall for your own internal sabotage tricks to convince you this isn't going to work and it is time to throw the towel in. It is you tricking yourself to try to justify continuing contact with Chrissie. It is just the withdrawal trying to get you to stop the pain.<P>Pulling for you both!<P>Roll Me Away <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I think...therefore it "should be"...if what "should be" "is not", then does that make "what is" automatically wrong? Mull that over for a while. I will, too. <P>Arik,<P>There is only one thing I will tell you you "should do" or which will be in the next paragraph. Oh, and one suggestion for disecting the posts back to you Other than that I will ask questions for you to think about and answer for yourself. I'm not asking you to report back here. Fair enough?<P>The one thing I think you should do is try to understand how Nicole feels and understand that is seperate than what she is working toward. To that end, seek the information whichever way you will most respect. As I recall the book After the Affair by Janis Spring I think? had a wonderful chapter on the physical and mental stuff that is going on with both the betrayed and betrayer. I think I may have read it about six weeks into my whole mess and I was relieved I was not going insane...because I thought I was. Now maybe you think I did and I am , but understanding the internal stuff that the sheer trauma of this situation is manifesting in both of your minds and bodies, can make you feel better individually (or at least saner) and can give you a window to each other. <P>What you are both experiencing is a trauma, and just like you should expect different degrees of pain and healing if you were in an accident, you can expect that emotionally as well. You wouldn't stand at a person's bedside when they just broke their leg and say...you will NEVER walk again because they are not walking soon after the accident. Instead you would make sure they had the proper treatment and then expect them to recover at a certain pace until their leg was healed and they could walk again.<P>The trauma you are both experiencing is much like that broken leg. When you look at Nicole it may seem like she will "never" walk again and if you were had no other human contact (say you were dropped off on a dessert island at a young age) you might even believe she would never walk again at first. Of course with our knowledge of broken bones, we don't make that asumption.<P>However, you don't put a cast on a broken heart, so it doesn't show. And people usually do not talk openly and of course emotional healing is much more subjective than a bone healing. But OK...back to the point...you may find that if you arm yourself with all the knowledge you can about emotional trauma...and just from being at this site I can tell you all of us follow much the same pattern, so some of these things are somewhat predictable and universal....you may see Nicole's pain and she may see whatever you are experiencing as normal and expected and you may be able to depersonalize it, which would take a whole lot of pressure off of your situation.<P>From what I remember Surviving an Affair by Harley (don't know if you have it) described withdrawl well, but didn't explain the betrayed's stages of pain in depth. Anyway, that is my one "you should"...that you research what you are going through to better understand it and to see that it is not personal, but rather universal. OK?<P>Now to address how you feel a bit battered by posting here. Yes, there is probably more sympathy for betrayed and betrayers are more often on the firing line, but we are not a bunch of pros here and we are all hurting and most are trying to rebuild. I have to tell you when you already went through a stage and see someone slip sliding around in their confusion or inexperience or whatever, and the person posting can "see" or percieves that the betrayer is either "not getting it" or is doing something damaging for recovery, then it is hard to sound supportive...especially when the one you are trying to support doesn't see or feel things the same way and becomes defensive or feels misunderstood. Since your wife also posts here, she becomes a "real" person instead of some of the unknown spouses of other betrayers here, so maybe some of us do rush to her defense and that may be a bit unfair. Maybe if you could just keep in mind just about everyone here is in some sort of pain, is not professional but really does have at least their own idea of your best interest or the best interest of the marriage in mind when they post. OK?<P>Now for the questions which I am not expecting you to report back:<P>If Nicole told you should stop thinking about OW and should stop clinging to the past and just move forward with your mind wiped clean of any emotional attatchment to a memory...could you do that even if you "should" or just because Nicole expected it? <P>Can you really expect that of Nicole?<P>Ok...please allow another statement. If you are following Harley's methods, "rebuilding" doesn't really begin until after withdrawl ends. OK...this is subjective...but if you are following Harley, then your expectations may be too high given your present sense of circumstances and timetable. <P>By the way, it is one year today from my discovery of H's affair. Although my H ended it immediately (although he had about 8 more weeks of some phone contact) and recommitted immediately, he stalked around the house being angry in general for a couple of months. Don't know if this is significant or not, but it was until he stopped all contact...but I have no actual proof those two events had anything to do with one another. I was in excruciating pain until about this time, then really bad pain until about 4 1/2 months...then moderate pain until about six weeks ago. For no apparent reason it stopped. Now finally it is like a sad past event instead of like reliving it fresh everyday. At the beginning of November I was beginning to wonder my self about ALWAYS and NEVERS...now I really think I can say I graduated and I look forward to even more complete healing.<P>Off the track, sorry.<P>I am sure you do feel the ALWAYS and NEVERS now and I am not telling you you are wrong to feel them or you magically should feel something else. However ask yourself if just because you legitimately "feel" a certain way, if it is a certainty you are correct?<P>Is it possible to accept that for the short term your life and Nicole's life will pretty much suck but long term you can build the marriage and raise the family which you are equally invested in?<P>Arik, if both of you can put your feet on the floor in the morning and make them move at this point, I think you are doing OK. Anything else is a bonus!<P>One other thing, when partners commit to recovery and rebuilding, I think (personal opinion coming) for the most part they are on seperate journeys. Sure, there is a lot you can do together to rebuild, but I think true healing needs to come from within and is really a private thing because no one can actually take away another's pain because we can not control another's thoughts, feelings or actions. <P>So although you can certainly make it harder or easier for one another, neither of you can do it for one another. It is unfair for Nicole to expect you to take away her pain and Nicole can't take away what you struggle with. Sometimes just realizing the limitations of your spouse, takes away some of the unrealized expectations and some of the pressure.<P>Arik...hang in there. Nicole...you too. <P> <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Arik,<BR> FHL said something that I, as a betrayed, have come to realize this week. It is unfair for Nicole to expect you to heal her pain. I'm ready to take some flak for this,but you sound like my H so much,except for the fact that he hs NO contact with OW,which has been the BIGGEST thing to make me feel better. My H moved back home right before Christmas and he is trying so very hard to be the good H he wasn't before. I, on the other hand, could ruminate about his affair to the point of obsession if I let myself. That is destructive. I told our counselor in a private session that I felt like I wanted H to constantly tell me he is sorry...how stupid he's been etc...and she woke me up to the fact that by doing this we'll never be able to put this behind us as we should,especially since we are both commited to the marriage. It is unfair of me to keep bringing it up and expecting continued "I'm sorry's". She made me realize that no one wants their mistake constantly brought up (even more so when it is a shameful mistake).He is sorry and is showing me that he wants things to work. I now have to let him do that and not continually bring it up. He can't heal me (his actions can help,like the cast on that broken leg FHL talks about) but only I and God can put me back together. I realize I will ruin my marriage if I constantly throw this in my H's train of thought every time I am feeling horrible (which is still daily). I think the best thing you could do to help Nicole get to the point of giving you a break in all this is to never contact Chrissy again. Just my HO. I've got my fire extinguisher ready for the flames LOL.