<P>You have gotten responses from Plan A'ers, Plan B'ers, Plan D'ers and even an OW in the process of going legit! You've gotten basically the same response from all: Plan D is when you decide you no longer want to be married to your husband. Plan B is when you decide you no longer can handle being the doormat that Plan A can sometimes make us feel like.<P>Just FYI, I didn't <B>know</B> about the affair for 4 years, just found out that is how long it has been going on. However, I don't see those 4 years as a relationship between my husband and the slug - what kind of relationship can you have when the betrayer spends between 75% and 99% of his time with his spouse? <B>At least</B> for the first 2 of those 4 years, it was a hit or miss situation for them, and that is one of the things I remind myself when I find that number to be overwhelming - She likes to say that they were "together" but they weren't "together" until the past 14 months... and things haven't been all honey and light for them during that time, either (not when husband had indicated over the summer that he was pretty much miserable with her).<P><B>These</B> are the things I draw from - as well as that soul-deep certainty that we belong together and that we will be together again.<P>Additionally, I remind myself when I'm on the<BR>d<BR> o<BR> w<BR> n<BR>side of the roller coaster, <B>the statistics cited here are consistent with those cited at other websites and in other people's books!</B> That tells me that there is truth to them! And I know that if I can follow the "Plans" as closely as possible, that I can join the ranks of those whose stories are included in those statistics!<P>And I believe things happen for a reason. I have experienced incredible personal growth since this all began - I've regained my sense of "self" and have learned to be independent again! I've learned that my satisfaction and happiness cannot depend on my spouse or the people around me. I've learned that the only person I can change is ME and that those changes can and do incite changes in those around me - sometimes not to my immediate benefit, but changes nonetheless!<P>And stuff has happened here and there that makes me believe that God has occasionally directly touched my life. Little things that look, on the surface, to be bad for me, but have forced some growth spurts for me that I was perhaps reluctant to make. The car situation, for example. The engine blew - it's shot. Decision time! Well, I'm not a great decision maker. But I had to make this one. And it was between the rock and the hard place, because my options were limited. I chose to replace the engine. Because, I know the car. I know that the newer engine is all it needs to be a good, dependable vehicle again. And I LIKE the car. I could have bought my parents car, but I don't like it, think they want too much for it, and would wind up owing them more than twice the amount that I owe them now. Between the retro on the raise we should be getting where I work, and the tax refund I should get, I will probably be able to pay them off within a couple of months - and work on catching up the rest of my bills! And I've done it ALL without the advice of or assistance of my husband (except his coming to get me and taking me to work for a couple of days after it initially broke down). Borrowing doesn't make one dependent, just a debtor. <P>Anyways ... I've rambled on enough on your thread ... e-mail me if you'd like to talk more!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited January 09, 2000).]

RMA,<P>It was just pretty clear to me how angry you were in your post at your H. You do have real right to be angry. But you are a mother like me. You know how they say never disipline in anger? I think you should think never D in anger! I know I don't come from all the same place as everyone else here but ever now and then I read something and it just jumps out at me. Then I think I have to comment. The only reason I could see to D is if you want to date other men. If you don't then don't D. You don't sound like you want to. You sound like you want to hurt him back as much as he is hurting you. Not a good reason to D. Your story has really touched me. I hope for the best for you. <P>Del

<B>Distressed,</B><P>How was the trip?? I am assuming you are back home now.<P>OK, I have already been divorced, so I know the piece of paper is just the piece of paper. But, on the other hand, it does signify, even psychologically, the end of this current marriage. I guess I would hope that it would be the beginning of some sense of "this crap is over". As you point out...when will we ever know it is time to move on??? <P>I know I am not there yet, but I do need to think about this. I want to put alot of thought into this. This is why I am doing this "thinking aloud" here to have you all show me the pros and cons. The verdict is overwhelmingly to go to planB, as all it costs me is more time.<P>Best case scenario is that the affair begins to crumble and there would be no need for any of this. I am hoping to see something that might indicate that in these next coming weeks. <P>There is something MENTAL about knowing that this has gone on for a year. I know you and other long-termers with the absentee H do understand what I am feeling. You are right, this is just a waiting game....AGH!<P>Thanks for replying. <P><B>Bill,</B><P>Here is good advice from a friend: <B>Go and return everything you haven't opened or still have the original packages for! Wait a couple weeks, and if you can't live without something, go back and buy on a more modest scale!!!</B><P>Luv ya, Desiree<P><B>terri,</B><P>This was a really great post. Thanks! I also believe that God is touching our lives through this experience and giving us an opportunity for growth. I have <B>never</B> had trouble making big decisions, do so daily in my job,..but I am methodical about trying to consider all angles. What is killing me here is a total inability to discern my own situation! I want so much to be one of the success posters here one day!!!!!!!!!<P>Also, I think I have relied on my H way too much for alot of daily things and like other people here, feel "bereft" having to assume ALL the responsibilities here. I am battling a little bit of "empty nest", too, as my youngest son is off to college. I have one son who lives home and commutes and the boy that is living with us, too, so I am not home alone. But, these are alot of changes for me.<P>But, hey, I wired lights in last week - so I am learning things, right????? <P><B>Delphi,</B><P>I think you really zinged me, though. I AM mad at my H right this moment. I just didn't see it. I think it slants my thinking, too. My TAKER comes out and says - it is MY turn.<BR>That is why I said I want some companionship - my TAKER wanting some short-turn attention and affection. Maybe I do want to give my H a little taste of his own medicine??? Yet, I also know it would be the death-knell of any chance I have, given his reaction to the EA. But, it galls me some that he is off doing this crap, the whole time while telling me he is unable to forgive me!<P>I really appreciate you pointing this out to me. I do not want to act out of anger. I advise others here not to do that, either. I just feel a need to think all sides of this through. When I go to PlanB, I want to know for myself that this is the best plan for me and exactly why I feel that way. That will help ensure a better PlanB! I need to understand and embrace the merits of PlanB for my personal situation.<P><B>To All,</B><P>As I have read all your posts and my replies, I think it is clear that I do need to do PlanB for some length of time. I am going to call Steve next week and have another session. I still want to pLanA a bit more before going to B, if I can maintain it. I have done pretty well so far. I am also hoping that these next weeks, my H might do something on his own to move toward me! (Wishful thinking!)<P>Thanks,<P>Desiree <BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Yayyyy!!!!<P>Atta Girl! I agree on both counts. A bit more of Plan A and then on to B when you can't stand it anymore.<P>('course I would have supported you no matter what, but it's so much easier when I like what you say!!! )<P>Hang in there, Desiree!<P>Lori

Lori,<P>The 2 x4 and dozen forzen salmon are for him...thje frying pan is for ME! <P>God, please give me patience!<P>Lori, I am going to go and checkout the Power of the Praying Wife forum site and see if this is something I might be able to do, too. You have talked about it so much - I picked the book up and flipped though it and it looks so appropriate for us. If I can't commit to the site, I may just go back and buy the book anyway. Thanks for mentioning it here...<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Desiree,<P>Stick to the doctrine of Dr. H.<BR>It seems like the best shot we have.<P>Remember the line in SAA if we follow plan-a and plan-b and our marriage doesn't come back we will feel no love for our spouce and divorce will be that much less painful.<P>That is a very loose translation.<P>I'm already playing w/my toys.<P>Next week I'm buying exercise equipoment.<P>When Robin comes back I'll be all buff and a hard body...lol<P><BR>Bill<BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I just read something you posted on another thread, about staying buisy.<P>My gutters are still clogged...lol...HAHAHAHA...lol<P>Actually I did some work around the house myself it felt pretty good.<P>Bill<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>