I completely agree with K. I stand by what I said as well, but I couldn't have said it quite as well as he did.<P>Also, if she is only staying because she can't afford to leave, you are probably the one bringing in most or all of the finances. Have you thought of all the possible scenarios for a plan B separation. Not sure what you did the first time, but the closer you could come to having her out, no kids, no money, etc, the more likely it would work as a wake up call. I realize the courts might make this impossible in some cases.

BTW, I too have small children (2 and 4) and they are not stupid, and yes they learn all of their life lessons by observation not by what we say.

I'm sorry, I usually stay out of things I know nothing about or have little experience with. But....my big mouth, or typing fingers are getting the better of me. <P>Honestly, there really are very few success stories regarding people who really end up in a typical full-filling relationship.<P>I agree with everyone here, especially Schizzo ...what the heck are you teaching your children. It's one thing to be strong and practice Plan A or B....It's another thing to put drugs in front of an addict and condone their behavior.<P>We've all experience a certain level of degradation moving through infidelity but this tops the cake in my book.<P>-Tina

All I can do is sit here and shake my head. To those that oppose this evil called "open-marriages" poly-whatever....KUDOS.<P>To those who support it...what? Might want to recheck your thinking.<P>Look around, what kind of world do we live in? I pray I raise my kids in such a way that things such as these never even cross their minds. And if they do cross their minds hopefully they will be dismissed as quickly as they came.<P>This topic comes no where near the anger stage but dwells well into the sadness stage. Kind of makes me feel sorry for the human race.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.<P><BR>

MJINGIT,<P>Ts, ts, ts...!<P>The day after my W told me about her then 2-week old affair she gave me this letter in which she mentioned that she envisioned “a great home full of love in which “we” –she, her OP, me, my friend (don’t have one), our D & OP’s D- could live happily like a big family.<P>One or 2 days later we were talking about her affair & I mentioned the possibility of an open marriage & she rejected it and said, “I can’t imagine we could ever have this conversation”- yeah right. However, she now says that our marriage is over and that it’s OK if I go out on dates. Yes, sure.<P>My W & I have a schedule to go out & I use it mostly to talk with friends who went through similar experiences (s**t happens) or in search of advise from people whose judgement I trust. BUT last Friday she asked me who I had gone with the previous night “a friend” –I responded, using her own lines & I could see that she didn’t like my answer; then she asked where –I answered “su casa” which in Spanish means both his home or her home, and she definitely looked upset; so I told her who I went to see & why and that we went to my friend and his wife’s home (not an open marriage). She calmed down, so I guess it’s OK for her to out to with OP but not for me to go out with whoever I want.<P>Why do you think this is MJINGIT? Why do you think your wife may react the same way? Could it be that she loves you or could it be that she owns you? Sorry for been sarcastic. I too have friends in open marriages- the woman in one couple says she wants to “retire” but the husband doesn’t want to because HE is afraid that he won’t be able to give her as much sex as she needs- after 20 years of marriage!!!<P>Children DO get it, if you hide the open marriage from them you are raising them based on a lie, if they know about it then you are giving them weird values in a time when the world needs committed people and all for what? Because of financial reasons? That’s an excuse, don’t tell me that you girlfriend is going to pick up the tab every time!!<P>I am not a moralist & I’m more open that this message sounds, but you gotta get real. In any case do as my D’s godmother says: “whatever blows your (and her) skirt up”, & if the "polyamory" thing works let me know, I may ask you to be my coach.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<BR>

Uhm...cough, cough...please reconsider. It's not gonna work....<P>I've been there. You're rationalizing the situation like crazy. I understand you feel backed into a corner, like it's the only thing you can do. You're thinking, okay, she said her emotional needs weren't being met so she started an affair to assuage those feelings...well, I've got feelings too! And if she refuses to meet MINE, what's good for the goose is good for the gander! And then you'll BOTH be reaching out to other people to meet those needs. In all honesty, this will only push you farther and farther away from marriage building.<P>Every time she walks out that door to meet OM, you'll be affected. So will she, in reverse. I think the best you'll be able to attain is a kind of dull feeling about the whole thing. Until one (or both) of you explodes, or simply does NOT care any more.<P>I found a polyamory chatroom a few months ago, and visited a few times. There was a woman in there regularly who described their situation. She found her lover first. They took turns inviting their other-significant-others over to spend the night, while the respective spouse spent the night in the guest room. Then, the next morning, all 3 would eat breakfast together. They would be telling the children soon. I was flabbergasted. I asked how this would be explained. They didn't know. <P>I can guarantee your set of rules will be broken, time and again. Plus, are you both willing to stake your very LIVES on each other practicing safe sex at ALL times? That IS what you will be doing, you know.