Okay...<BR>it's been an hour since I posted my original topic. Deut, you were right, I am now thinking" what was I so angry about ?". I guess it's my more calm and mature personality coming out. Yes, FHL, I have had an anger problem for most of my life. I realize that it isn't quite healthy. I have an absolute aversion to counselors( they make me angry ). All kidding aside, I been to so very many counselors, that I can't count them. This was my mother's doing. She...to put it mildly really screwed with the kids' heads. All of us in some way have grown up with one or more of her $hitty traits. To make herself look like the "healthy" one, she would tell the counselors that we kept flying of the handle for no reason. They would then try to analyze us and figure out why we were so screwed up. What she would fail to tell them, was that she would taunt and provoke us until we lost control and then she would call the neighbor or my aunt, to say how crazy we were behaving. She would get the "sympathy" she was looking for and we would get the bad attention that she wanted us to have. If you look up "misguided" "unfit" and "mentally abusive" you will find a picture of the woman that we all strived to get to love and appreciate us. Please don't think for a minute that I haven't thought very seriously about what effect my temper has on my children. I know that my son has been affected already. I am not proud of this. I haven't been able to truthfully explain to anyone some of the things that go on in my mind. I am working on being able to do this. I know about my immature views on some things, and I know that I don't respond well to criticism. This is not indicitive of what I know is right. It's just proof of my inability to always make the right decision before acting. maybe I should get some shock therapy??

comin' for ya with the paddles.....<P>its Dylan, not Deut....he has an anger prob too...opposite of you..bottles it up until he hits a wall...literally....<P>Nicole is not your mom....there is no provocation coming from her.....for any of this....<P>i understand about the councelor thing...I have probs with them too...<P>I myself went for anger management courses....available through medicare....because the councellor feared for his life...he put me in with a group...figured, at least, if I leapt across the desk, pencil in hand, he would have witnesses....but the courses helped...honest...at least I breathe for a bit now before I let the anger out..its up to us to control the rage....NOT to let the rage control us....no matter what the reason....your anger is justifiable if someone beat up your kid, insulted your wife, hurt someone in your family...not over a post....<P>the point is (and I'll bet you've been wondering)..... what happened in your childhood happened...you can't change it, but you CAN change you and the impact it is having in your adult life.....it is hurting you and harming those around you.....<P>my son (same age as yours) too has been exhibiting dismaying behaviours..I know both Deut and I are to blame....it started coincidentally (yeah, right...a 4 year old knew...felt something wrong before I did) right around the same time as Deut's affair started......<P>but, if you feel better now, an hour later..why not use that as a guideline......if you are pissed off about something...do something else....you cannot show your anger and rage to the kids, so seek them out on purpose.....knowing you will HAVE to calm down for them.....take a walk....look at the mountains...take a bath....wait an hour before exploding and see if you are still as angry and go from there...kind of a diffusing hour...<P>that's what the councellor suggested to me.......<P>before I got him with the pencil...hehehe<P>Dylan

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>it's been an hour since I posted my original topic. Deut, you were right, I am now thinking" what was I so angry about ?". <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Um... not to toot my own horn, but that was me said that... <P>Glad your more calm now. Hey, the offer for email is still open, guy. <P>--andy

OK, I'm the Queen of Conflict Avoidence. In 17 year of marriage to a man very different than myself I don't think there have been even ten times we have yelled at each other. I'm an only child and I can't even recall either of my parents yelling at me. When my mom (pretty close to a saint) and I would get into a disagreement, I would go to my room and tell HER to come get me when she was over being upset. She hated that. So I don't get anger. The insight you gave us into your backround was insightful.<P>OK Arik...this just struck me. Do you see a pattern between whatever was in your post and some of your grips against Nicole and your mom? I mean can you kind of see how you are kind of provoking some behavior or looking for things to pick at and then letting lose and then asking for sympathy? And when we don't give you the sympathy, but rather hold your feet to the fire, you pretty much stomp off...at least for a while?<P>Just food for thought. If you can see the pattern, you have a better chance of breaking the pattern.<P>Take care!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Arik, this is not cute. I, for one, don't find this adorable.<P>If you're looking for things to be angry with Nicole about, you'll find them. But frankly, you're starting to resemble John Rocker more and more each day.<P>I'm with new_beginning. You need to do something about that impulse control, pal.

Arik, May I suggest you quit calling the ow by her name. It's in quite a few of your posts. It seems to me it puts her more in your life than "ow." I know she was a part of it, but she shouldn't have been & she shouldn't be now. Perhaps this is a menial thing, but if you downplay her significance to you now, seems it would be a bit easier on you.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks to everyone for being honest.<P>Airheart, I didn't mean to not give you credit..sorry just got confused<P>Dylan..thank you so much for being you. I have to say that I can see why Deut is trying so hard. You are an incredibly insightful, open, giving, and caring "witch"(hehe)<P>Dazed..I don't know why (probably my feelings of guilt and regret over what I said to you previously), but you responding to me, really means alot. Thank you for being able to still be real and true to your feelings. Good or bad, I get the points of view that I need to help me see what is right. This doesn't always mean I do it, but it does make it easier.Again...thank you.(by the way..who IS John Rocker?)<P>FHL..You are of course, right. it's not Nicole that I have the anger towards. I have noticed that I tend to direct my anger towards the people I love most. Maybe inside I feel secure that they probably won't "go away", like most others would. This sounds dumb, I know. You would think that I would try not to hurt the people I love.Hmmmm...<P><BR>New...I am trying to deal better with my anger. I have made vast improvements over time, and I know that I need to make more still. Thanx for all your replies and posts. I hope you guys don't ever just stop "taking part" in our situation. I know it gets frustrating talking to a wall(me), but you guys do "get through", after I quit being a jerk.<P><BR>Chris...<BR>I know how most of you feel about me using her name. I am of the opinion that people have a name for a reason. I don't call Nicole my "W" either. I try to use all of your guys' real names when I remember them as well. Maybe this is still me "holding on", but for now..this is where I am at.<P>Now to all of you...<BR>Please don't stop replying, or posting to me. I know that I can be very stubborn, stupid, a$$holish, backward, mean, tempermental, and all the other bad adjectives. I am responsible for all of my actions, no-one else. I know that too. I didn't pay any attention to the important people when I was younger. I will continue to improve this part of me, because you guys are all VERY IMPORTANT to me. Thank you for all of the chastizing, uplifting, correcting, supporting, criticizing, and praising that you all give me. I truly thank you..... <P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik

Just keeping this up, so you can read my replies to you guys. <BR> <BR> .... JUST LOVE THOSE EMOTICONS!!<P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik

Arik,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Airheart, I didn't mean to not give you credit..sorry just got confused<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Not a prob. I just like pointing out when I'm right! (happens so infrequently!) <P>As to who John Rocker is, he's a baseball player for the Atlanta Braves. He said some very racially prejudiced things in Sports Illustrated recently and everyone's jumping all over his back.<P>The only way you resemble Mr. Rocker is in your inability to shut your pie hole when you should... <P>--andy<BR>

Hey thanks Andy, Pie hole is now shut!!!!<BR> <P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik

Hi there!!!<P>I wasn't ignoring you.....thought I'd let you get your screaming done b/f I even tried to talk to you. Figured you'd figure it all out on your own.<P>Hey, now I COULD be upset that you call me "mom"!!!<P>And I'm not even gonna lecture. Ok, I lied. <P>Anger can be useful - and necessary, when appropriate. (You know the next line, so I won't say it!). Reading this great book for the THIRD time (learning more every time). Fact of the matter is, no matter what happened when we were younger, once we are "mature" enough (has NOTHING to do with age) to understand that's behind a certain behavior, we have the power to change that behavior. Problem is that every repeated behavior, bad or good - whatever the origin, is repeated b/c somehow, in some way, we get a "pay-off" from doing it. Trick is not to figure out WHERE the behavior stems from so much as HOW it "rewards" us now. We want to CHANGE it, not EXPLAIN or EXCUSE it, right? Human beings are pretty much basic, everything we do carries some sort of reward, recognized or unrecognized. Once we figure out what we're "getting" from an undesirable behavior, then figure out a way to get that pay-off (or something better!) some other way. Replace it. And we fix our problem. Simple theory, but hard to do. But it does make sense to me and it does work for me. I probably didn't explain it so well, but it's sorta like the EN thing, only for ourselves.<P>Just a little food for thought!<P>Glad you're feeling better now. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Arik}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori<P>

Lostva...<BR>Excellent point! Um, I must ask, since you didn't mention the name of the book...WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE BOOK THAT CONTAINS THIS INFO?!?!?!? Maybe I could read it as well.<BR>As for your need to be upset that I call you "mom"...I mean that you are what I imagine a "Good mom" to be. You give the good advice that isn't hard to swallow, and you never, ever forget to say that you care. You haven't always agreed with me, but I must admit, something about the way you deliver your messages. I have never felt angry or hurt after reading your replies to my posts.<BR>I am always glad to see your name when I come in to read my posts. Thanks "MOM" for being here...and for being the person you are to me. You remind me so much of my Aunt Lynne. Thanks again, Lori.<BR>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik<p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited January 12, 2000).]

Whew! <P>Phil McGraw Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters<P>I think it's great. Really straightforward, interactive and thought-provoking. And it you really get into it, helps you to effect changes - on yourself. And we KNOW what that does for those around us!!!<P>I do care, Arik. Not agreeing w/ EVERYTHING you do doesn't change that one iota!! Glad you haven't forgotten that. And I try to be nice, really I do!!<P>And, ok, in that case, "Mom" it is!!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Arik}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori