laura, <P>you seem so unhappy and so hurt. don't you want that to end? i know, i know.... you want to happy with your H again. i know that feeling. but.... do you want to keep putting yourself through this over and over again?<P>my therapist has told me many times: "sooner or later, you'll realize that banging your head against a wall just plain HURTS and you'll stop doing it." <P>no matter how much i know how truthful that statement is, i still feel the hurt. the difference now is that when i feel hurt, i realize that i am consciously ALLOWING someone to hurt me, that i have a choice to stop the immediate hurt by "acting, not REacting". <P>a part of your life is changing and you have no control over this person who is changing it, laura -- this is going to hurt whether you like it or not. you do, however, have control over yourself and whether you choose to act -- deal with the potential loss, heal yourself and focus on yourself -- rather than REact -- to all your husbands words and actions (which seem, for the most part, to conflict). <P>you wrote below something about "not having initiative" -- you are tired, laura. you are tired of holding up your end of the bargain and not knowing what to expect; you are tired of being there when your husband needs you, but not having him there when you need him. my advice (advice that you don't have to take and it may or may not work for you) is to just take a break from it all. explain to your husband that you can't play the game with him for a while -- that you need a "time-out" -- because it hurts. i think you need it to give you the opportunity to step back and gain back some strength -- to fight for him more or to allow your life to go on without him... <P>dr harley's advice would probably be better than mine, though... more experience. <P>anyway, you sound so exhausted, so unhappy, laura.... i wish for you to feel better. i'm glad you have faith and trust in God. don't forget, though, as garth brooks said once said "some of God's greatest gift are unanswered prayers." only God knows how it's all going to turn out. i pray for the best for you! <BR>

Laura, Listen to HollyANN.<BR>It sounds like good advice. Are you comfortable being intimate with your husband, or do you find yourself still lonely when you're that way? In other words, what is it costing you emotionally to give that part of yourself to him? Are you hoping it will make him change his mind? YOu mentioned the black book. How will it make you feel if he is "seeing" someone else, but coming to you to fullfill his needs? How much can you give before you start feeling drained and used?<P>Have you considered asking him to keep the kids so that you can go out with your friends?<P>I know this is painful right now, like a nightmare you keep hoping you'll wake up from.<P>I don't know you, but I know you deserve to be happy. Enjoy your life and give your babies all the love you can. A very good friend of mine keeps telling me that. <P>You know, maybe he will come back. But if you can be happy without him, imagine how happy you can be with him.<P>Good luck.

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\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

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thank you hollyann.... <P>that is good advice for all of us. God knows, i have my fair share of the same sorts of problems... but there is a fine line between loving someone enough to do anything for them and being taken advantage of.... at some time or another, a person has to decide where to draw the line. <P>let's all remember that when a man loves his W, he won't let anyone's actions -- let alone his own actions -- hurt her.

<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]