Almost a year ago.. wait, first off I've been married for 4 years as of 22 April 99. I got married at the age of 25 and my wife was 21. We met at work on 5 December 94 and were married just over for months later. We knew we were meant to be. I love my wife more than anything in the world. I did then, and I do now. <P>But I screwed up. As I began this... almost a year ago we started having problems. I felt more like a freind to her than a husband. We had a girl on 11 November 96, and after that makimg love was an extreme rarity. Don't get me wrong, sex is not what marriage is about and I know that. Anyway, to make a long story short I eneded up meeting someone over the internet when I thought my wife and I were going downhill. Kim, the girl I met, and I seemed to have a lot in common and we would just talk and talk for hours online. Then we decided we should meet. Mistake number 2. To make this story even shorter, I spent last thanksgiving with Kim and her family instead of with mine. I've met her three times over the course of our "relationship" and then I tried to stop it all. I realized what I was doing was wrong and I hated myself for it. Unfortunatley Kim would not let go as easily. I haven't spoken to Kim in almost three months and one day I got a call at my work... it was her. Not wanting a confrontation, I played it cool as though I was happy to hear from her. All the while thinking of a way to get her to leave me alone without going ballistic on me. I had just gone on my 4th year wedding anniversary and Heather and I had fixed a lot of our problems. It had seemed like we were going to make it after all. Somehow Kim found my sister's e-mail account and started asking about me. Once my sister new what was going on, see decided to take it upon herself to give my wife a mother's day present that none of us will forget.<P>She told me to tell Heather, or she would. Needless to say Heather slapped me across the face and called me a [censored]. I told her that I knew there was nothing I could say or do to make her feel any better. Except I knew what I did was wrong and that it would never happen again. I saw the pain in her eyes when she stared at me and said "I trusted you..." <P>To make things worse, we have a 2 month old son now. I love my family. I never saw myself married never mind a family man. But now that I'm here I want it. I wouldn't want anything else in life. I want to keep it. My wife is the most stubborn woman in the world, what I mean when I say that is this... once she makes up her mind about something there is no changing it.<P>We were at my mother's when my sister decided to pull her little stunt. Heather told me that I was not going home with them, and knowing from past experience to just walk away and let her cool down before we try to talk, I did. I walked into town and called my cousin. I asked him to give me a ride to my house so I could get some things and leave before Heather got home. Heather was home before me. The door was locked and she knew I didn't have my keys, she let me in though. I cleaned up the living room real quick (feeling guilty I guess) and then got my daughter ready for bed. The whole time, no words were spoken. I went to my bedroom to get some clothes and leave but I just sat on the bed. After a while I went upstairs and told Heather that I was planning on leaving before she ever got home but she didn't say a word, except that she needed to give our son a bath. She had hurt her thumb while at my mother's so I offered to wash him. It was my first time washing him, and I comment that to her. Even then I realized what a jerk I was. She watched over us and after I got him dressed She kinda smiled a little but I was too scared to say anything. I went back to my bedroom and went to sleep. This morning I found the mother's day card a I gave her ripped to shreds in the trash along with the anniversary cards that we had given each other. I took them all out. The anniversary cards are on my desk in my office, the mother's day card is in a pile in my drawer.<P>What scares me is that on the kitchen table I saw that she had written down some day care center numbers and addresses and had circled some jobs in the paper. She works at night right now and leaves when I get home so we don't need to pay for day care.<P>I don't know what will happen. I can't believe what I've done to my children and my wife. I think I may lose all of them and I don't want to. I really don't. But I can't blame her for her actions. I get angry and myself for what I've done. I get angry at my sister as I feel it was not her place to say anything. I get sad with the thought of losing my family. I've been known to have a bad temper but since my marriage and especially the birth of my little girl, I have been able to control most of it. On the way to work this morining I went has fast as my motorcycle would carry me, almost hoping I would crash and die. I'm afraid to go home tonight. I'm not even sure I'd make it home. I want to die, but even that is losing my family. What do I do? Accept what has happend? After all, it's my fault. Heather and I went through some rough times and now I know we can make it, but this is something different, and can't ask her for forgiveness if I can't forgive myself.<P>I need help. I don't know what to do now.<P><p>[This message has been edited by StevieB (edited May 10, 1999).]

I just got this from home....<P>She's gone.<P>This is Steve's wife. I want you to know that I have just found out about<BR>you & my husband. I don't know you or what kind of a person you are, but if<BR>you are a woman with any conscience or maturity, you will think twice in the<BR>future about screwing around with a married man. Especially one with a<BR>family. I realize that he lied to you & sweet-talked you. I've been there<BR>myself. But the fact remains that you knew he was married. And even after<BR>his sister told you the truth about him, you STILL tried to talk to him. Do<BR>you think he "loves" you? Well, I can tell you right now that he doesn't<BR>have a clue about what love is.<BR>Did he tell you about our kids? Megan is 2 and 1/2; Jared is 2 months.<BR>They are awesome kids. You saw Megan's website didn't you? People say she<BR>looks like me.<BR>Steve told you we were getting a divorce, right? He even gave you a ring<BR>that says "someday", is that right? I bet anything he made himself out to<BR>be the poor little deprived husband, right? He is always the victim. And<BR>he is a liar. That's what he does. He doesn't take responsibility for<BR>anything. He actually blames his sister for ruining his life because she<BR>told me about you. I want you to know that, even though I think you are a<BR>piece of dirt, I think even less of Steve. And if you think you have<BR>feelings for him after everything you now know about him, then maybe you two<BR>were made for eachother.<BR>The one thing I'm hoping for is that you two used some kind of protection<BR>when you had slept together. God only knows what kind of nasty disease you<BR>could have passed on to me. The thought of that makes me want to puke.<P>Anyway, thanks for wrecking my life. Now that I know Steve is not satisfied<BR>with his life with me, maybe now I can move on with my own life. In the<BR>meantime, however, DO NOT try to get in touch with him. He is still my<BR>husband (for now anyway), so have a little respect.

Hi Steve. Oh my goodness. I can feel your pain. How awful you must be feeling right now. I hope I can offer a little encouragement here.<P>My husband has gone into chat rooms, etc. to meet other women and to have cybersex. He continues to do this (although he is starting to realize how this is affecting me), even though he knows how much it hurts me. Although he has never met any of these women in person, it bothers me all the same.<P>When I first found out about this, I reacted very much like your wife did. I was devastated! I tore up every card he sent me, every note he had ever written me. Within hours of finding this out, I was looking in the paper for places to rent, etc. I was going to leave! That was that! However, understand this. Your wife is feeling like her world has just come crashing down. Believe me, she is not thinking rationally right now. She is extremely hurt, angry and confused. She has so many emotions flying at her right now that she cannot think properly. This is what I wish my husband had done for me.<P>I would have liked him to acknowledge my hurt, and to say that he understood my anger. Tell your wife how very sorry you are for what you did. Don't try to offer explanations (unless she asks for them) or excuses. Continue to tell her how much you love and respect her. "Show" her, don't tell her that you will never do this again. Words don't mean anything to her right now. What I mean by showing her, is stay away from the computer for awhile. Spend as much time with her as you can. Be patient with her. Continue to love and spend time with your babies. Show her by your "actions" that she can evenutally learn to trust you again. It will take time, but believe me, it will be worth it.<P>I cannot stress enough how much I empathize with your wife right now. She is feeling inadequate and wondering what she is not giving you that this other woman was. I am also a very stubborn and strong-willed person, but I can tell you, right now I feel like the most inadequate, unattractive woman in the world. Allow her to feel her emotions, be compassionate and understanding. And whatever you do, DO NOT try to downplay what she is feeling. That is like telling her that she has no right to have these feelings, and invalidates her.<P>Steve, you are not a jerk. You are a human being who made a "mistake." You are deeply sorry for what you have done and understand that it was wrong. That in itself tells me that you are a decent person. Do not concentrate on your mistake, rather concentrate on what it has taught you. Your wife WILL come around.<P>I think what your sister did by telling your wife was thoughtless, cruel and extremely vindictive. That, to me is unforgivable and she had no right saying anything.<P>Hang in there, Steve. This is all still very fresh and the wounds need time to heal. It will be rough for awhile, but eventually the pain will die down enough that you will be able to reopen the lines of communication.<P>My prayers are with you and your family.<P>Michelle.

She's pretty torn up. It's a good thing that she told the OW to stay away from you...I think there's some hope there.<P>Have you been to counselling? Read books? What are you doing to resolve this??

Michelle,<P>Thanks. I think... As for me going near the computer again.... if I never use it again it would be too soon. I never once meant for this to happen. I didn't go into a chat room "looking"... it just happened. I lied to my wife about going away for a dirt biking weekend so I could go see Kim. I lied to her...<P>I hope your husbands starts to realize VERY quickly what a horrible mistake he's making. If is just a matter of sex and newness to him I suggest taking a weekend away and do something you've never done before. If you have kids, find a sitter. It doesn't have to be a [censored] fest, just something different and romantic. I think that's what happened to us. And that's what we did on our 4th anniversary.<P>I know my wife will never be able to make love to me again but that's not important to me at all anymore. Not to be too graphic or anything ( and I apologize to poeple who take offense ) but if it gets bad enough... my hand will do just fine. <P>All I want right now is my family to stay together. I screwed up bad. I cheated. I really hope her love for me is strong enough to over come this. But as you can see from her letter to Kim and I... it' doesn't look good.

Miss Annie,<P>I assume the OW would be Kim?... I've been to counselling in the past for my temper but all I did was beat the tar out of the Dr. I don't like counselors and I don't know why. I can't read books to well. I get bored with sitting and reading... again, I don't know why. What am I doing to resolve this you ask??!! I'll tel you... the only thing I can think of. Make darn sure it NEVER ever even has the slightest chance of happening again! Actions speak louder than words, I only hope that she stays around long enough to witness them.<P>I get it now... OW = Other Woman... duh<p>[This message has been edited by StevieB (edited May 10, 1999).]

I work as an Information Technologies support tech at Compaq, While I was out working a call I thought about waht Miss Annie asked... what am I doing to resolve this.<P>The fact is.. I don't know. I've never been in this situation where I wanted to fix a relationship after something went bad. I don't know what to do. I feel if I buy her flowers, they just get thrown in my face. I've never been much of a help around the house except for taking out the trash, but if I start to do that I'm worried she'll say it's too little too late. I don't get a chance to sit and talk to her. She usually has dinner ready when I get home, she eats a few bites and tells me what the kids did during the day, kisses everyone goodbye and then goes to work. She doesn't get home until 12:30 - 1:30 am every night and I have to get up at 6:00 to get ready for work. I can't let this go 'til the weekend or should I?<P>I really wish I had a chance to talk to my sister and explain the whole deal before she went off. I called her today and asked her why she didn't talk to me first, she said "it wouldn't have made any difference, Heather has a right to know" Gawd! I reaaly want to mess up her life like she just did to me! She says she had all the right in the world to tell Heather. A quote from yesterday after Heather left... (from my sister) " I love Heather and I don't want to see her leave this family..." What the frigg is that?!! I hate her so much I could spit! <P>Things had turned around for Heather and I. And I was trying to find a way to tell Kimto leave me alone. I knew what I did was wrong and I knew I'd never do it again. Heather didn't need to know. My sister is a *****.

Hey, Steve...first of all, calm down a little OK? I understand your situation about not getting time to spend with each other. My husband works 1 1/2 hours away from where we live. He's out of the house by 5:30 every morning and doesn't get back until around 7:00. I work afternoons, from 2:00 till 10:00, by which time he has gone to bed. Our only time together is the weekend.<P>Now, what you could try. Write your wife a letter explaining exactly what you have said here. That you made a mistake, that you are deeply sorry, that you love her and want to fix this. Tell her that she and your family mean a great deal to you and ask her what you can do make it easier for her. Then, try to set up a time on the weekend where you can both talk. Make arrangements for the children so that you are able to spend some time talking without being interrupted. She may, or may not agree to this. My husband did this for me and it made a world of difference. We actually took a weekend and went to Banff. We have not solved everything yet (however, he has not been on the computer for almost 2 weeks), but we are comminicating. The fact that he took the time to arrange for us to be alone to talk meant that he was willing to work with me on our marriage. Try it. Afterall, what have you got to lose?<P>My thoughts are with you.<P>Michelle

Hey, Steve...first of all, calm down a little OK? I understand your situation about not getting time to spend with each other. My husband works 1 1/2 hours away from where we live. He's out of the house by 5:30 every morning and doesn't get back until around 7:00. I work afternoons, from 2:00 till 10:00, by which time he has gone to bed. Our only time together is the weekend.<P>Now, what you could try. Write your wife a letter explaining exactly what you have said here. That you made a mistake, that you are deeply sorry, that you love her and want to fix this. Tell her that she and your family mean a great deal to you and ask her what you can do make it easier for her. Then, try to set up a time on the weekend where you can both talk. Make arrangements for the children so that you are able to spend some time talking without being interrupted. She may, or may not agree to this. My husband did this for me and it made a world of difference. We actually took a weekend and went to Banff. We have not solved everything yet (however, he has not been on the computer for almost 2 weeks), but we are comminicating. The fact that he took the time to arrange for us to be alone to talk meant that he was willing to work with me on our marriage. Try it. Afterall, what have you got to lose?<P>My thoughts are with you.<P>Michelle

I just read through the cards that we exchanged on our anniversary. Why does that seem so long ago?<P>I'm not sure if I should or not, but I'm leaving work a little early. Either to go home and see if we can talk or to go for a ride on my motorcycle and think.<P>Thanks for talking to me Michelle and Annie.<P>

Thanks for ans. my questions. Since you do not like to read, then may I suggest some videos? There's video series available to help with marriages (I believe Dr. Smiley is one). Perhaps it would be a good thing to bring some home and let your wife see you with them? That would give you some information you may need, and it will give her LOADS of reassurance that you are gonna go the extra mile to get back on track. <P>As far as counselors go, there's good ones and bad ones. If your W wants one, then I think you should go. Interview them, get their views and stuff, and fire them if they aren't effective. <P>You're obviously very ticked at your sister, I don't know what to suggest. If I were you, well, I don't know WHAT I would do. I'd be so angry but then again, I'd realize that it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had the affair in the first place. In her twisted way I think your sis was trying to help Heather. <P>Step back a second and think what if your family knew Heather was cheating and they all kept the secret from you? How would you feel when you found out that they were "in on it" with her? You'd feel like they were enabling her to hurt you and so, by association, they (your family) are guilty of conspiring to hurt you. <P>It's a messed up situation...try hard to control your anger against your sister. Try to see it from her point of view. I don't think hating your sister forever is going to accomplish anything. <P>And may I suggest that you start taking a more active role in bathing your new baby, cleaning the house, and generally being the kind of man she'd want as a husband. If you're the "bestest most wonderfulest" husband in the world then she won't be so eager to trade you in for a new one. <P>And you might as well put some carpet and a tv in the doghouse, you're gonna be there for a while. Good luck, StevieB. Keep us informed. <P><BR>

I love my wife.<P>I love my daughter.<P>I love my son.<P>I brought the computer upstairs tonight. It's in the living room so whenever I'm on she'll see me. I don't feel right about going downstairs to get on the computer anymore. It feels dirty. I just think this way she can "trust" me a little bit knowing that she can look over my shoulder anytime she feels like it. I NEVER want to have anything to hide from her again.<P>When I got home tonight ( I came straight home, again just as fast as my motorcycle would carry me )... told you I was going to drive fast. I just stood there in the kitchen watching my wife and daughter frost the cupckaes they had just baked. I started to well up and my wife asked "what?". I told her that I left work early to talk to her, but I didn't know what to say.<P>She told me that one of the things that hurt her the most is that I lied to her. It hurt me too. Thankfully it looks like I'm going to get a second chance though. She commented that if she ever even THINKS that I'm lying to her again, it will be the last. So thank God, there's hope.<P>As long as my wife remembers what I did to her, I'll remember what my so called sister did to me. We've never really gotten along in all my 29 years and now for certain we never will. I know it's MY fault for what has happened and Heather is upset with me for blaming my sister. "I don't blame my sister", I said to her. But she had no right at all to tell Heather until she at least confronted me first. I see nothing that my sister could have gotten out of this except for her twisted little ego trip. I truely hate her as much as any one person could possibly hate another.<P>But I have more important things to concentrate on. Michelle, Annie, anyone, can you PLEASE tell me how to do laundry!? I've only done it a handful of times and I always screw it up. Either I get a room full of suds, or the clothes come out caked with detergent. Dishes- I know how to do, and as of now at LEAST twice a week I'm doing them. I'm not going to bed until Heather can see the house the way it looks when I come home from work.<P>My wife is the best. <P>Although she told me point blank that Kim was the last woman that "Mr. Happy" will ever be with again. I guess the old saying is right... If you wanna play, you're gonna pay. But we're together and it looks like we'll stay that way.<p>[This message has been edited by StevieB (edited May 10, 1999).]

Dear Steve, I can understand how's your wife's feeling because at the moment, I am in the same boat as her. To make it worst, I knew about it from my Mother's friend (My mother's friend's sister is the OW's best friend - and she happened to see our wedding invitation in her sister's car and was so shocked)and this apparently has happened since during our engagement period even until we got married (we've just been married for 2 months). I was so shocked. I confronted this to him and he admitted it. He said that he'd been going out with her for several times and that he is trying to match making her with his friends. Whatever...<BR>This had happened only 2 weeks a go. So the scar still new and the memory still fresh. I am so devastated that this happened in our young marriage. I lost my trust over him. However, I am trying to gain it back. I am trying to give him a second chance. But my heart is hurt so badly. There are times when I couldn't control my self and burst into tears in the office. And the worst case is, I couldn't stop wondering whether he has really through as he said he was. He wrote her a letter good bye and copied to me. I also wrote her a letter and she replied back and denied everything but I don't really care anymore.<BR>Now, I am collecting my self. I really wished that he truly sorry of what he did and won't do it again. But times the only one that would tell. I love him so much and we have such a long history, that's why I gave him a second chance. However, I kept on emphasizing to him that I could leave him whenever I want to. So he'd better start valuing and appreciating what we have otherwise there won't be any point for me to stay around anymore. I am young and have no luggage. I could re-start again my life whenever I want to.<BR>However, I tried not to dwell on that. We are still making love and have fun together but deep down inside I know that my feeling for him will not be the same again. There will always be a shadow of doubt within me towards him and I wouldn't feel as secure as I was before.<BR>This letter might not bring your feeling any better, but I just want to tell you to be patient and don't expect her to forgive and forget that in a short time. Don't ever do such a selfish thing again. It's really hard to restore trust when it is lost but there will always be hope especially that you are the father of her children. My warmest regards to Heather. Her letter to the OW was exactly just like mine. People like the OW shows no respect to other woman. I really pitying women like them. If they don't have self respect towards them selves,how could we expect them to have respect towards others?<BR>

Saskia,<P>Thank you for your insight. It was a very rough night last night. I felt so awkward being in my own home. My wife will never trust me again, and I don't blame her. I know that she will always carry that around with her and may even bring it up now and then. Forgiveness? I'm not sure I deserve it. To forget it, that would never happen. For me or for her. I've committed a terrible terrible crime against my wife. I'll pay for the rest of my life knowing that she'll never be able to have that innocent trust in me again. <P>I think that's what hurts ME the most. I let her down, I betrayed her, and I lied to her. To my WIFE!!! The more I think about it the more disgusted with myself I get. She's right, I think with the wrong head sometimes. If I do get a second chance, hell even if I don't, I'm going to make sure that each night before she goes to bed she knows exactly how much I love her. She means so much to me, our kids mean so much too. I've bounced around all over the country, job to job, heck I didn't even make it when I was in the service. I planned on becoming a pilot in the Air Force, but I was discharged. The say things happen for a reason, and I've told Heather the reason for me not becoming a pilot was because someone wanted us to meet. If I hadn't got discharged I would never have met her, I'd never have the 2 wonder children I have now, and I'd never have someone who believed in me. She may not believe in me anymore, but I'm going to do my best to show her she can again someday.

Hi Steve...I am so happy to hear that there is still a chance for you and your lovely family!<P>Maybe you are right when you say that your wife will probably never trust you in quite the same way. But, think of it this way. You have been given a chance to develop your relationship within a whole new realm. One that comprises total and complete honesty. At your young age, you have already faced a major marriage crisis...and have been given the insight and the wisdom to nuture your relationship and watch it grow! I know of many people who would love to have been given that chance, myself included (and no, I'm not trying to say that what happened was a good thing, I'm just trying to point out what it COULD do for you).<P>I had stated before...do not dwell on the mistakes you have made. Rather dwell on what it has TAUGHT you. Forgive yourself...eventually, your wife will forgive you. She will never forget (and neither should you), but she WILL forgive you...I promise. This crisis has shown you just how deeply you treasure your family. It has taught you to show a new appreciation for your wonderful wife. It has taught you that honesty and respect are the true cornerstones of a lasting relationship. It has forced you to look at your marriage from a completley new perspective. I truly believe that you will come through this, equipped with a new sense of honour and integrity and what it really means to love another so completely.<P>In the meantime remember that even the tiniest beam of sunlight can penetrate a small break in an otherwise cloudy sky.<P>Peace to you and your's<P>Michelle<P>PS: As far as the laundry goes...read the directions, Man!! LOL!

This is going to be a long and bumpy road...<BR>Just to see how she would react, I called her to see if she wanted to go see her Grandmother in New York this weekend. It's quite adrive for us and she's been asking to go see her since the birth of Jared. I wanted to find out what kind of a response I was going to get and to see if she would talk to me at all on the phone.<P>All she said was that we didn't have the money for the trip. I told her that if it was what she wanted to do, then I would get the money. She asked if her brother could go with his wife and kid too. (They'd be taking their own car) I told her to call him to see if they could go, then to call her grandmother to tell her to expect us. She didn't seem as happy as I thought she would. Lastnight she came home and I could tell she'd been crying alot. She looked almost ill. She sat right down at the computer, not mentioning how I had rearranged the living room furniture to accomidate it. Looked me square in the eyes and asked "did she try to talk to you tonight? Did you talk to her?" I felt so small... I said no. I got on the computer once to make sure the phone line still worked once I brought it upstairs. <P>She logged into her mail and started typing away, trying to hold back her tears. I pretended not to notice only because I didn't know what else to do. I felt the way a child does when his parents just found out he did something bad and was waiting for his punishment. I didn't know what else to do, so I told her that Megan had asked to go to bed at 9:30 and that Jared had 4oz at 10:00 and I changed him when he was done. I stood there for a moment and said goodnight. She said "bye".<P>She's trying to get online with AOL to find Kim and confront her. And writing mail to her about who knows what. <P>I'm scared. And I'm a jerk. Heather means the world to me, I hope she doesn't end up having second thoughts. Part of me wants to show her this page, but part of me thinks she'll only get upset with me telling other people our problems. I really wish I could go back to a year ago when we started having "problems". I wouldn't have said "oh well, things aren't working out here... " I would've said "Hey, things aren't working out here.... let's to to fix it now. I love you, and I want us to be happy. I want us to be freinds. What can I do to make you happy?"<P>It's taken me about an hour to write this. I keep stopping and thinking what my useless life would be like without her or my kids, I hope that doesn't happen. But I have myself to blame if it does.<P>Damnit! Why do I keep going from depression to anger?! Why can't I talk to my wife about this? Why do I waste my time and thoughts here? I stand a very good chance of loosing all that is precious to me, at my own hand no doubt, (and a little help from my friggin sister) and all I do is sit at my desk and type to you. I should be saying all this to Heather. But I can't. I'm not strong enough. I went home early yesterday to try, but when it came right down to it, I didn't know what to say, or how to say it.<P>I have no excuse for what I did. So there is no reason in saying that to her. She knows that I'm sorry. Nothing I do or say will matter much to her right now, or for who knows how long.<P>This sucks.<P>A message to anyone who ever cares, cared, or is thinking about caring:<P>Don't screw around on the one you love. The love that you have, or you think you have will be lost FOREVER! You may get a second chance witht hat person, but the love you had will NEVER be the same. <P>What I had with my wife was wonderful, I didn't see how special it was until it was too late. Now I'll never know what pure innocent love is. <P>I love you Heather Ann! I have since the day we met. I'm sorry for what I did to you, to our trust, and to our marriage. You are the most giving, caring, tolerant person I've ever met. And I betrayed you and took advantage of you. I hate myself for that. You knew my past and you knew how proud of myself I was for holding such high stature of you. I failed once again. I'm sorry for ruining your life. I don't expect forgiveness. I don't know what I expect. I wish I could hold you. I wish you'd let me hold you.

StevieB,<P>Sorry I just can't help you with laundry! My H does that job. It's actually rather complicated, like separate colors from whites, don't bleach synthetics only cotton, don't wash fuzzy things with towels or they get pilled up, drip dry delicates and underwire bras, etc. etc.! I wish it was easy!<P>If you can't say anything to Heather, then just hold her, hug her, stroke her and say "I'm sorry, Sweetheart." over and over and over again. She probably felt unimportant when you ignored her crying at the computer. Please be there when she cries. Acknowledge her pain, let her know you're sorry. <P>As far as your "telling other people" and her being upset, well I think she knows that you don't read and don't like counselors. I don't think you're wasting your time here, I think it demonstrates the depth of your love and how much you want to save your marriage. Print it out and show it to her if you wanna. It's not like we're "real people" anyway, there's no chance we're gonna meet her on the street and say "Hey aren't you Heather?!" or go to her office and spread rumors. <P>

If it were as simple as that....<P>I tried to hug her lastnight after they were done with the cupcakes. She curled up into a ball and looked away. I held her for what seemed an eternity, but she stayed curled up and didn't even glimpse at me.<P>Now that I think about it you're probably right. I did ask her if she was sick when I noticed her eyes all puffy and red. I commmeneted how she looked pale and wanted to know if I could do anything, but she crossed her arms and shook her head. When I saw her crying at the computer I froze up. Maybe I should have tried to hug her again?<P>I'm just so worried about making the wrong move. Or making the right one at the wrong time. I messed up bad, I don't want to mess up trying to fix it. I have literally seconds from the time I get home 'til the time she leaves for work. That's a lot of pressure to get out the right thing at the right time. She sees the time she spends at her job as "quiet time" for herself. A time to get away and "be around grown-ups" as she puts it. She gets flustered when I come home late which in turn makes her late for work. I understand that and try to be home on time. My point though is, we don't have time to talk during the week. When she comes home, she winds down and goes to bed. And almost always, I'm already in bed too. Saturday morning is too far away, and this uneasy feeling is driving me insane.<P>Blah blah blah......<p>[This message has been edited by StevieB (edited May 11, 1999).]

Is it normal for it to get worse before it gets better?<P>I just got this, not sure if I should post it, but NOW I'm scared. Before you read any further I want to make it clear that I take FULL responability for my actions against my wife and Kim. (I should probably stop calling her by her name huh..) I know that I am the bad guy here and I know I must pay. I just want to make that clear...<P>I don't exactly know why Heather is copying me on the messages but she is.<P>She writes:<BR><< One last thing before I let you off the hook... I want the ring that Steve gave you. When my daughter is old enough, I'll give it to her and tell her the story behind it. Maybe it will help her make intelligent choices in her search for "Mr. Right". Maybe someone should have done the same for you<BR> (and me).<P> My address is **************************** If you have any remorse whatsoever, you will send it to me. >><P>Kim responds:<BR>Oh, that would be a real nice thing to tell your daughter! Why do people use their children like that? I KNOW your address... I've used it. I WILL respond to your last letter when I get the chance. And by the way.... I couldn't care less whether or not you "let me off the hook"!!<P>Heather replies:<BR>You know what, you little piece of trash? I decided not to rip you a new @sshole for all of this because I considered you a victim in some small way. But now I can honestly say that you deserve to burn in hell. Don't you DARE criticize me for what I tell my daughter. I will do everything I can to<BR>make sure she doesn't end up like you... gullible, desperate, and willing to<BR>pursue a man who lied to her and then blew her off. How am I "using" her anyway? What do you know about what it feels like to have a child, and love them, and be afraid for their future? Screw you. Don't bother responding to my last letter, either. It was not meant to be responded to.<P>What have I done?<p>[This message has been edited by StevieB (edited May 11, 1999).]

SteveB:<P>I'm going to suggest that you start doing a couple things. First is to start doing some reading. The second will be to do some marriage counseling. I really don't care if you "don't like" counselors or reading---it's what you need to be doing at this point.<P>I think very highly of the MarriageBuilders phone counseling service---Steve Harley is the only counselor there, and he's been great for my marriage, as well as others. I would strongly urge you to make an appointment with him to get started on marriage counseling---all by yourself at first. He will help you with the behavioral changes that YOU need to make to get your marriage back on track.<P>As you said...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Actions speak louder than words, I only hope that she stays around long enough to witness them.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's right. But what I would suggest is that you get the best coach possible to make these "actions" the right ones---and Steve is one of those great coaches.<P>Things you should be doing now:<BR>Apologizing<BR>Listening to your wife very closely<BR>Refraining from "lovebusters"<P>Things you should NOT be doing:<BR>Justifying your behavior<BR>Complaining about your sister<BR>Pushing yourself to meet "her needs"<P>Get into the counseling. It will demonstrate to your wife that you are SINCERE about trying to make this marriage work---especially if it's uncharacteristic for you to do this. If you don't do counseling, I would suggest that you print out the "lovebusters" questionnaire from this web site and ask your wife if she would fill it out and go over it with you. These "lovebusters" are behaviors that you do that kills her love for you. I bet she'll have plenty to write about. If she'll do this with you, you should listen to her go over each detail (don't just read them, if she's willing, have her tell you). This is valuable information she's giving you---don't defend your actions or offer justification. Just shut up and listen (unless you don't understand a point---then ask for clarification).<P>You BOTH have a lot of work to do to make this marriage successful. You've both contributed to the marriage's problems, to date. But by having an affair, you've really added another dimension to your marital problems that will take time and effort to resolve.<P>But you can be successful. Be patient, and loving (in a way that your wife wants). And start the counseling---it will make a difference.