.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

Get out now. Do not pass go, collect $200 etc.! The way to grow love is to not accept abuse but to set limits on how that love is defined! Save the love you have for him and get out, set limits on what it would take for you to get back together, counseling etc. Love does not fear for its life! <P>Please go today.

I second Sue...get out now. However, you may want to plan how you are going to leave him, as he may well be the type that will try to injure you when you try and leave...my best friend's sister was killed when she tried to leave a man who sounds a whole lot like your H. Please be careful.<P>Suggestion: Call your local women's shelter or counseling for abused women. See if the counselors there have any further suggestions on how to leave safely.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

You are not a failure, you are a work-in-progress (as we all are). But, you are repeating patterns that are not healthy.<P>Of course he can be sweet at times. It is that intermittent reinforcement that makes it hard to leave a a guy like this. But, it is not a healthy relationship & he could become quite dangerous...<P>Please do not bring children into this. Make a plan to get you and your dogs away from him. Honestly, these situations do not get better with time....<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

A study was recently released that showed that over 40% of abused women stayed as long as they did because they feared for their pet's welfare. Most abusive people apparently start with animals and work their way up.<P>Put the dogs in a kennel and get out now.<BR>People who threaten with guns are seriously deranged. This man needs a lot of work before he can be husband material.<P>You are smart, you are capable. Get some counselling for yourself, you're worth it.<P>Take care.

I agree with what every one said. Leave NOW! find someone who can care for your dogs and go.<P>My sister was in a relationship like this. She spent 20 years in absolute terror and misery. He held a gun to her head a couple of times before she had the courage and strength to go. <P>One of these days your H will pull the trigger. What will happen to your dogs then?<P>Absolutely NO violence is acceptable!<P><p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited September 24, 2000).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

I'm glad that he was willing to do #1 and #3, but #2 needs to brought under control. He has to learn how to control his anger and the only way he can do that is to get counseling.<P>You are still in danger, even if the gun isn't in the house, as long as he has violent outbursts.<BR>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

I'm very glad to hear that he agreed to go to marriage counseling. It sounds like he really cares for you and wants to work on the problems. I hope things work out and if he has another violent episode, I would recommend getting out, but continue with the counseling with him. Just stay away long enough to be sure he has learned to control his temper. He needs to know that you will not tolerate begin treated that way and you need to protect yourself.<P>Good luck.<P>Be careful with the co-worker. You're right. A situation with him is NOT what you need right now. Your friendship with him is probably not a good idea, although having someone at the office to check on you if you're not there IS a good idea. Is there a female in the office you can trust? I think it would be safer, especially when you consider that jealousy and insecurity is what triggers your H's outbursts.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited September 25, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited September 25, 2000).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

Dear Mourning -<P>Run like hell.<P>Take your dogs if you must, but GET OUT NOW!<P>You are talking this to death. Get out while you are still alive.

I hear you about the intelligence being appealing. That was a big turn-on for me with the OM. He was a bit geeky-looking (A scientist and looked like one), but he was so smart, it made him sexy. And once he got contacts and ditched the glasses and you could really see his eyes - ooohh, mama! Those eyes could make you melt!<P>But he's gone now. Out of my life. I will probably never see him again. And that's really for the best. I have to sort out my marriage and see if I can find the feelings I so much want to have for my H. And then, even if it ends up not working, it will be a while before I can contribute to a healthy relationship. I still have a lot of growing to do.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I guess I will forgive him, if he promises to control his temper and stop trying to control me!<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just make sure you hold him to his promise. My first H hit me once. I hit him back (we were pretty evenly matched in size and strength) and told him that if it ever happened again, he knew where the door was. He never did it again. But that doesn't usually happen. Usually a guy with a problem like that can't stop without getting help and may even have setbacks while getting help. <P>The bootm line is that if there is any hint of any more violence, you should get out. It doesn't matter how much love there is, you have to protect yourself. You can continue counseling after removing yourself from physical harm and encourage him to do so as well. But I'll repeat what I said before. If it comes to that don't go back unless you're 100% sure that he has his temper under control. And be prepared to leave for good if it isn't. <P>Is there some way you can verify the location of the gun? Is there anything else in the house that you think he might try to use as a weapon in a fit of rage? <P>Take care of yourself and don't tolerate any more violence or abuse.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>So far, I've been able to say the right thing at the right time back him down in a crisis. I'm just afraid my silver tongue won't save me one of these times.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You shouldn't have to do that or live with that kind of fear. The fact that he does drugs does not help. My sister's ex did that too. His anger problem got increasingly worse. When you said that he agreed to the conditions I was hopeful that he might be able to get the help he needs. I still think he might, but I'm still afraid for your safety. Maybe it would be best to get out now, before he has a chance for another violent episode and tell him you can talk about getting back together AFTER he has gotten help and has his temper under control. And getting help means getting rid of the drugs as well. I also don't recommend striking back in your case. I learned in karate class, the best self-defense is to recognize and avoid danger in the first place. The karate is only to be used when you can't get away to safety.<P>So get away safely and then stay away from that co-worker. A situation there will only complicate the issue. Your primary focus should be to stay safe.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

I have a better idea. Don't go home.<P>BTW, I thought you said he had agreed to counsleing. Did he change his mind?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited September 27, 2000).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]