Hi Fred,<P> I just got off the phone with someone who wanted to set up a phone-interview with me re: a job. I sent my resume to them about a position they had advertised just to see what would happen. The problem lies in that the job is in Alaska!<BR>I know all I have is an interview, and I really don't know if I'm all that qualified for the position...it's working with birds, and I don't have much experience with them except for a bit of work with penguins...anyway it is such a long shot, but I'm a little frightened. Not about the interview, but what happens if I get offered the job? Do I really want to live in Alaska? What about my H? My marriage? I wasn't crazy about spending the winter in Indiana what would Alaska be like? AUGGHH, i'm gonna make myself crazy. There is nothing I can do, but I wish things were easier.<P> Anyway, good luck on the bird house. I'm painting the woodwork in my sister's bedroom. Gives me something to do, and I love to paint. At one point I thought about opening up a house painting company...except that I hate ladders! <P> Hope you had a good day.<BR> kathy

So, what do they want you to do exactly in Alaska? What kind of birds? <P>I can tell you that it does get a little chilly in the winter up there....the winter days run down to an hour or less and in the summer the days get really long....<P>Don't throw the job out just out of hand...take a look at it...it has been my experience that the jobs that come out of the blue are the ones that you need to look at the hardest....<P>As for your marriage and stuff...remember, you need to take care of you right now....check this out....<P>As for here, had to stop patching holes, we have had some wicked lightening this afternoon....the monsoon has kicked in this year...hopefully it will go a while...<P>Well, got to get back to some research I am up too...<P>You are sounding a lot better....It sounds like you are not obsessing as you were in the beginning...<P>Take care<BR>Fred

hi Fred,<P> Just checking in...my sister came back yesterday, and it was pretty sad to see her walk in her house in tears knowing that her dog wasn't there to greet her.<P> I'm not exactly sure what kind of birds the job in Alaska deals with. I know they research puffins but there are so many others that it could be. They are sending me a job description on Mon. I doubt i'm really qualified, and I am pretty sure I don't want to live in Alaska. I think the environment would be great, but i'm not a cold person. And with those days that are dark almost all the time...yuck! i would become so depressed. But an interview is always good experience.<P> Not much else happening here. Hope you had a good weekend. Talk to you soon<BR> kathy

Hey there;<P>I hope you gave your sister a hug when she got there.....<BR>As for your interview...you will never know about the job until you look over the info and do the interview....you might decide that Alaska is the perfect place for you...<P>Things here are going to get hectic this week....my W and I are getting ready to move to Montana....my W's position was cut the last day of school last year (did I mention?)...anyway, we could'nt find a job for her around here, so, she was tied into a computerized data base and we interviewed in MT....were hired on the spot and now we have to get our house here ready to be shut up before we move. This week is paint the house, install a new water heater, and we still have to go and fill in a couple of holes (Used to see if you can have a septic sysytem) out on a piece of property we had purchased in the country....I nearly threw my back out yesterday shoveling dirt (sorry soil...I am after all an ag teacher... )<P>Let me know what is up this week. I may be in and out, so if I don't reply right away, don't panic. <P>Think happy thoughts and as you are probably already noticing...even if you don't realize it, your life is taking on a new order, organizing itself in a way that puts you first......let it happen, you deserve it!<P>Fred

Hi Fred,<BR> <BR> So, Montana? Wow, a bit of a difference in climate than Arizona. I wish you all the best in your new home.<P> Things here are ok. I feel like i'm just going through the motions of life, and am really beginning to feel depressed. I've read so much on the subject, but now i can relate to how it really feels. Blahh!!! It sucks. Everyone keeps telling me what to do with my life...I need to apply to this job, try this, go here. I feel like i'm going to snap.<P> I got an e-mail from my MIL, she said she couldn't tell what's going on with my H, but said he feels bad. That makes it sound like all he feels is guilt, like he cancelled plans on going to the movies. I know she doesn't mean anything by it, but just the thoughts in my head makes me want to cry.<P> I'm sorry to dump on you, Fred. I need to get myself to a counselor, but haven't even been motivated to even do that. <P> Write when you can, hopefully by then I'll feel a little more up.<P> Take care,<BR> kathy

Don't worry about dumping on me..hey, in a minute, I will dump right back on you...<P>Anyway...yes, you are going to feel numb right now...it will last for several more weeks or so...no biggie....What you need to focus on is what you want to do with your life. What do you want Kathy? We know you have job stuff coming in....we know you are going to check it out.<P>We know you are still in love with you husband. Throw the MIL stuff out. She is just trying to help and you just need to take it as information...nothing more. We have already determined that your option for hubby is to move to San Antonio and look into the job prospects....get on the internet and see if the San Antonio paper is online and look to see what is available...<P>You do need to see a counselor. But hopefully you will get more out of it than I am.....I am still hanging up on the putting it to work part.<P>Your friends are trying to do what they can to help....bless their little hearts...and you are just about to die inside because no one understands what you are feeling....I can't even understand it all...but I can listen. <P>Now, make something happen...set down with a paper and pencil...when will you go see the counselor, what are your job prospects and what is the time table to send resumes and interview...then put it into motion.<P>Things here are getting pretty bad...I am definitely thinking about a divorce. My W's idea of a perfectly good sexual relationship is if she is satisfied once a month when her hormones are on an upswing. Me, I could make love to her everyday and as long as she was satisfied, and I was satisfied, I would be happy...she says it is because of my moods, who would want to be around me...and she is right. Who would. I am lousy at this relationship business. I feel so left out of everything. I have to do everything at her convenience....<P>It all comes down to sex...last nite, I fell asleep because I didn't want to disturb her while she was watching tv and working on some stuff she has to get ready for the school we are going to....when she turned out the lite and I asked it we could and she said no, I lost it...I just don't understand what is so hard about this....this is the same woman, whom when we started living together told me to just let her know and we could....actual words were 'roll me over and stick it in...' now she tells me that because of my attitude, she doesn't want to.<P>You know, I wouldn't want it all the time, if I could get some of my needs filled once in a while....<P>OK, I am done, thanks for letting me dump.....<P>Let me know what is up on your end....<BR>More later<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<P> I'm sorry your feeling as bumbed out as I am. I'm feeling a little better today, but as you know, it has its upswings. I have that job interview w/alaska people at 3:00.<BR>I know I'm not going to take the job, however it does sound good. It is just too far, and the expense of moving is too great. I would have to get a new car, since mine would never make it in such cold. The interview is good experience but I feel bad about wasting their time. It really is too bad that it isn't in the lower 48 somewhere.<P> As for things with you, it sounds like you are under a lot of stress right now. With the new jobs and the huge move. Give it some time and don't rush into anything. I assume you are going to get a new counselor in MT? Make sure you keep trying until you get one that you are comfortable with. You know, try reading the Divorce Busters book. It talks a lot about keeping a positive mental attitude and how acting as if something doesn't bother you has a huge impact on other people. It's pretty interesting. How old is your wife again? I remember you saying she is older. It probably has a lot to do with her hormones, or maybe it is something else physical. She should have a checkup w/her gyno to find out. <P>I wish I had some magical answers to keeping a positive attitude. It is extremely difficult at first, but from what I hear, once you make a habit of it it becomes second nature. I'm more positive than some people I know, and that isn't saying much right now. However, I also know that it can be draining to always being around negativity. Try your best right now to stay upbeat, I think if you can start convincing your wife that you are, then she will come around.<P>Take care, Fred and know that you can always come here to vent. That way you can keep it away from your family. Good luck and write soon.<P>Kathy

Thanks for the reply....how did the interview go????<P>I am looking forward tot he move to montana. We are supposed to make it into a vacation....the rocky mountains, yellowstone...it will be nice. <P>In the mean time I am doing the one job that every American loves to do...paint the outside of the house....I am trying to miss the thunderstorms in the afternoon.....Right now the house is a very light blue...does not go well witht he browns and greens.....when I am done it will be a nice shade of Dakota plains (Sand) and a brown on the trim....a little more in tune with the environs around it...<P>Sorry for the negativity..that is the same thing my wife says.<P>As for you, you really do sound better now than you did when you first came here....<P>I will try to find that book.<P>Well, gotta go for now....I am just dead beat and I have to go to my final counseling session here before we move...talk at you later.<P>Thanks for being around<BR>Fred

My H had an affair with my best friend almost 6 years ago. I just found out the truth 2 weeks ago. Back then, I was sure he was depressed and kept asking his counselor to do something. She basically implied that I was trying to take the blame off of myself (ha ha) and try to make him look like he had a problem.<P>Well, lo and behold, last summer he started acting that way again. We went to counseling AGAIN and I told the counselor I KNOW he's got a depression problem. It runs in his family, etc. Well he finally agreed to take some medication and he is so changed. No longer obsessive or gloomy. I thank God someone finally listened to me.<P>By the way, the counselor told me that when someone is depressed they don't love ANYBODY, including themselves. She said it's like they're looking thru a black curtain and can only focus on the bad things.<P>My H also told me he didn't love me, never had, and didn't want to feel sorry for me so "please don't cry." He said this the day he moved out to pursue her. I was devastated. Last summer he also told me he didn't love me. That was before the medication and current counseling.<P>Depression is an awful thing, but very treatable. I pray he will get help and consider medicine and counseling. They can do miracles. Good luck.

Hi Maggie,<P> I'm sorry to hear what the depression did to your husband and your marriage. It amazes me sometimes how we can see the things that others can't see. We live with those people, we know them better than anyone, yet we are the ones who can't help them, and those that can are fooled by the uncanny acting abilities of the depressed person. I'm referring to my husband and the way his family and friends have been fooled for years about his depression. He admits he puts on an act for them and they don't know the true him. It truly is sad. He adores his mother but won't go to her for help because she can't handle it. She takes his problems and makes them her own and takes all the blame.<P>As for now, my H won't get help. He got rid of what he thought was causing his depression, the marriage. Although he fails to remember that he was depressed before me.<P>What made your H seek therapy & medication? How long were you separated? I am glad to hear that your husband sought the necessary help and is feeling better. I can only imagine the difference it makes.<P><BR>Fred,<P> Make sure you are not over-doing it in the heat! I bet MT is beautiful this time of year. About yellowstone, do you need reservations to get in? I remember hearing something about that. My H's grandfather lives in Idaho and we had always planned on taking a trip to visit. I've never been out there and can only imagine how amazing it is.<P> The house sounds like it will fit in perfectly. Stay cool.<BR> <BR> Kathy

FreddyB....<P>Just checking to see if you made it to MT alright. Hope all is well.<P>Kathy

Hey there Kathy!<P>yep, we made it...finally...had some minor problems along the way...trailer broke, could not go fast, lost a couple of items....but all in all it was nice trip. Went through Yellowstone, tetons, all that good stuff.<P>Now we are here and it seems that the same problems are here too.... oh well, why did I think anything would change. The only difference is that I am trying to go without my meds for a while and see if it helps or not.<P>How are things with you? <P>Talk to me<BR>Freddy

Hi Fred!<P>Sorry took so long to reply...I was in NY and just got back. I've been having trouble getting into website until now.<P>Glad to hear you are safe. I was beginning to worry a little, but I know how difficult and time consuming moving is.<P>Sorry to hear that your problems followed you. Unfortunately problems just don't go away by changing locations. Give it some time for the problems to begin to go away, afterall moving does create a lot of stress.<P>What problems where you talking about anyway? Do they have to do with your wife uninterest in getting close? <BR>Have you ever tried to do anything different? I mean like pull a 180 and do something she would never expect. Because if what your doing now isn't working...perhaps something else will. We can brainstorm over ideas, it might help having another womans opinion.<P>As for me, things are ok. I haven't talked to my H in over a month, and he hasn't made any effort to contact me. I guess i shouldn't be surprised, but it does sting. Besides my b-day was on wed. and he didn't even remember. Now that hurt. His mother sent me a card and said she hoped my life is turning around for the better and that hopefully my next move will be closer to the ocean. I'm not sure if she wants me to live in it because right now I'm less than 30 miles away! <P>I'm not exactly sure why i haven't contacted John. I guess I needed time away and was afraid to hear any horrible news he may have. Actually, i'm going to write him an e-mail today, just to say hi and see how things are. I had a marriage counseling session last week. It wasn't Dr. Harley, but someone from divorce busters. Although I really believe in MB, I think the way my situation is right now, I needed more of a solution-brain-storm. It was a good session and i'm glad I did it, although it was expensive. Every year i treat myself to something for my b-day and I figured what better gift. The session gave me hope, although he has said the same thing that everybody else says. He doesn't see any hope for my marriage if I stay in NC or move anywhere else but TX. He said my situation was unique and he coudln't think of anything else for me to do. Although he did suggest I start contact with him. <P>I haven't made any firm decisions on moving yet. My mother is going in for surgery on the 20th and i'm gonna have to wait and see, plus I don't want to add any unecassary stress to her. I'm thinking that the earliest i'll move is sept. anyway.<P>I haven't found any work yet. I've signed up for some temp agencies, but never got anything. I'm looking into subsitute teaching but even that will take at least 3-4 weeks to get going.<P>I have to find something though, it is going to cost a lot to move. I had a job interview for a job in fort worth, tx but have yet to hear. It is about 3 hours from john, but at least it is something.<P>It was nice to visit ny. I did wind up seeing people who weren't aware of my need for a decision and they pretty much all said the same thing. I'm also still seeing references to TX all over the place. I got 2 separate travel info packets from San Antonio and Austin in the mail. I didn't even order them!! How weird is that? They were addressed to my maiden name which I don't use anymore. Sometimes I'm wondering if i'm being smacked over the head with what my decision should be because of all the pointings to tx. <P>I did see an ex-boyfriend when I was in NY. I had gone to his house after not seeing him for 6 years. I was with him for 4 years and aside from John, the only one I was ever that serious with. This is the guy who put a whole lot of head-trips on me, with a side of emotional abuse to go along with it. I guess I was looking for closer and got it. I looked at him and saw nothing of what I felt for him in the past. And couldn't believe I had ever wanted to marry the guy! We were totally wrong for each other. Complete opposites and incompatible. But it was good seeing him, in a way I miss his friendship...he was my best friend for a long time. He was able to get me to feel really unattractive about myself while we were together. It really put a dent in my self-esteem. But, the other day, I looked good and he had said so and admitted that it wasn't that i wasn't attractive afterall but that the age difference bothered him. It caught me off guard that he said that but it made me feel good, although I couldn't believe that I believed him for all those years. I was foolish to give him that kind of power. It was a nice sense of closer for me.<P>Well, I talked your ear off. Write me soon, and i'm glad your finally settling in.<P>Take care,<BR>Kathy<P>

Hey there, Don't worry, you did not ramble too much...<P>First of all, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!<P>I don't have a lot of time tonite to write, but I will over the weekend. We have to go out of town early in the morning, and I just wanted to get a quick reply off to you.<P>Hope you have a great weekend.<P>Fred

Hi Fred,<P>Just hoping your weekend went well. Write and let me know what is going on. <P>Kathy

My weekend was a rush. Off to Billings one day and then to Miles City the next. When we moved, we only brought clothes and a few essentials...so now we are trying to furnish the house with some of the stuff we could not bring. Plus it is hot up here, temps int he 90's and above and no a/c.<P>All in all, I am looking forward to the job. As for the life at home...hmmmmmmm<P>The step monster has been a real pain. I have never come across an 11 year old child that acts more like a 6 year old. I have been driven to tears on more than one occassion because of my frustration. My W tells me to just ignore her....I just do not understand how you ignore a child.. I miss my own children sooooooo much, today was my middle child and only daughter's Birthday and I feel such a hole in my heart....<P>Then there is the situation with my W and I. She is just not in the mood anymore for anything...oh she has helped satisfy my need for a release once ot twice, but since we have been gone from AZ we have not had any kind of an intimate relationship at all.<P>I am coming up on the edge of a nervous breakdown again and it is not a pretty sight. I have to concentrate on my job so that I can be the best there that I can be and learn to just leave this home stuff here..<P>I guess I have griped enough for now. I hope you had a good weekend. Talk with you again soon.<P>Fred

Fred,<P>I'm sorry you are having a rough time. It seems as there is just so much stress on top of each other, and you are getting buried. Take time for yourself...go off and do something that you love doing. Clear your head and let some of the stuff go. I hope you are going to find a new counselor in your area. Are you still on your meds?<P>As for your step-monster, what is she doing that is so maddening? 11 is a hard age, perhaps she is wanting to be babied in hopes of getting extra attention from her mother. Especially if her mother ignores her. What about giving her some responsibility? I remember when I was her age a friend and me earned cash by doing some chores around the house. We basically did the stuff that everyone else hated to do. It made us feel as if we were doing something important and we made some $$. It must be hard on her in the new town with no friends. What grade is she entering? She will make new friends soon, and that should help some also.<P>I'm sorry you are missing your kids so much. Are they in AZ still? How old is your daughter today? <P>Now, as for you and your wife. I don't get her. How nice it would be to have someone who is so interested in being with her. Sounds like she is taking you for granted in some ways.<BR>How about showing her no interest for awhile. Perhaps she'll begin to wonder and become more interested. Just an idea. There has got to be tons of stuff written about this, maybe it's time to do some research.<P>Take care of yourself, and try not to think about having a breakdown. You could be adding extra pressures on yourself.<P>Write soon,<BR>kathy

Thanks for writing back. You may have something. I may just take a half a doy or a whole day and go do something. It just seems like there is always something that has to be done here.<P>My daughter was 8 yesterday and she lives in NM with her mom along with the rest of my children. There are 4 and since I have remarried, I have had less and less contact with them as their mother, for want of a better term, is very jealous that I found someone else and moved on.<P>My step monster is just so maddening to me. She constantly is talking back, being defiant, saying no and actually getting away with it. She is ADHD and she is also gifted and that can make for an obnoxious combination. She is very hard to be arund. She also acts like she is four or five in the way she talks. She has already made the gossip circuit here in town as she is a very bossy young lady too...you get the idea. The problem is that her mom is an enabler of this type of behavior and there is little I can do.<P>As for my meds. I went off of them while on vacation because we were all getting along so well. Then when we got here....oh well. I am back on them. I have to find me a doctor so I can get my Rx filled.<P>As for the intimacy. I have tried just about everything. The thing is, it is so easy for her to jsut say no and she knows that I don't want her to fake anything...so I get stuck.<P>So how is everything with you this week? Doing better I hope. I am actually looking forward to my new job and have been puttering around in my office and class and shop for the last week or so. Trying to see what works and what doesn't, figure out the system and such.<P>Well, I had better go for now. Need to get a shower and get ready for bed. Maybe a good nite's sleep will help.<P>Later<BR>Fred<P>

I think a day off will do wonders for you! I'm no doctor or anything, but I'm not sure you should be taking yourself off the meds. Even if your feeling better. Find someone who can renew the Rx, it will help ease the pressure.<P>As for your step monster, yikes! She sounds like a handful. Why doesn't her mother do anything? Are you able to step in or does your wife freak out?<P>Things here are ok. I've been looking for a job with no luck. I'm trying to find temp work so in case I move soon. I'm going to go and try retail next. Oh well, something will come up. Today at the temp agency i got to talking to the interviewer and I told her I wasn't looking for anything permanent b/c I don't know when i'll be leaving. We got to talking about my H a little, and she asked me what my heart told me to do. I said to go to TX and fight for him. She said to do it, she was in a similar position recently (didn't go into details on either part, just separation) and she was celebrating her 30th anniv. today and back with her H. Not common job interview stuff, but it was nice to talk to someone face to face, who is in a similar position.<P>I sent an e-mail to my H on fri and have yet to hear back. I'm trying not to feel hurt, but can't help it. I got a note from his mother tonight. She didn't say anything about her trip to see him except that she went and that everything seemed ok, just a huge change. G*d, all I want to hear is that he misses me. Instead she tells me that his bro & sis-in-law are pregnant. That just put a knife right through me. Why is it that I had to get the more screwed up brother? From outside appearances you could never tell.<P>What the hell am I doing? Why do i love him when he doesn't want me? Why can't it be me who's pregnant with their first grandchild?<P>'Member when I told you about my counseling appnt? Well, I post on that BB as well. I wrote about how my mind is almost made up to go, and received a reply from the author of the book. She told me that she was glad my appn't went well and to see I had a good plan now. First, it amazed to hear her respond. She rarely responds to peoples thread. I know it is good for her b/c it encourages others to get help, but still it was nice. But, do I actually have a plan? I don't know. I don't know what to do once I get to TX. At this rate, since not hearing from him, i doubt he would even want to see me. <P>I'm scared. I'm living in this little cocoon of my parents house and am safe here. I can spend the rest of my life living in this town being safe. But all I want is to be with my H. And that is not possible right now, if ever.<P>I guess that e-mail from my mil has gotten to me. She never says anything bad, it just hurts to be reminded that he no longer loves me. I'm sorry for dumping. bad night.<P>kathy

Don't worry about dumping; I have been lately...<P>As for a plan, why don't you set you mind to go to TX and see with your own eyes what your H is up to. In your mind, plan on giving it 6 mos or so and say, "Ok, I will give it until Feb 28 of 2002 and if he is still being like this, then I have no choice."<P>I still love my ex, you will always love your husband and care and want him. The question is, will you be able to live with him and sleep in the same bed as he does. If the answer is no, then it is time to move on and put this pain in its proper place....Kathy, remember, you will find someone again. Even me, mister triple extra larger person, when I thought I would be alone the rest of my life, out of the blue, someone came to me.<P>I don't know if that helps or not, but as we say in the west, 'it is time to poop or get off the pot.' You need to break out of the cocoon, the longer you stay, the more reluctant you may be to go. Pack the car, get in it and drive west. Don't look back until you get to TX. Find your H and have your face to face. Tell him you are going to be around for 6 mos and that you want him and your marriage to work. If in Feb, he is still being a **** (Pardon my language), then sweetheart, he is not for you and you will be wasting your love on someone who doesn't want it.<P>As for here, yep, the step child is a hand full and the mother does not help much. I am trying.<P>I also am looking for a doc who can refill my meds. I am tired of breaking down.<P>Well, I had better get going, need to shower and get to work.<P>Let me know what you think.<BR>Fred