But how long can your unconditional love last.<BR>I feel mine has run out and now have conditions for my w return. I feel if she just comes back it will be too hard to work on our marriage because of the shift work, the om at the job, and her other personal problems.<BR>I know I'm to blame for the affair, but she has drained my love banks, everything thing she does just angers me. She came today to see the kids off for school and she brought along a video camera. I assume they bought to take on their cruise in a few weeks. I don't feel I can overlook this!

Hi Ron, <P>I know this is tough - boy, do I know this is tough. In so many ways, I feel I am reaping what I have sown for many years. In a way, that gives me strength to give back. The past 9 months I have prayed more than I ever have. I specifically asked God to show me my shortcomings in my marriage and to give me the strength to correct them. Well, God heard me; and the floodgates opened. Every hurtful comment I said to my wife, every time I ignored her pounded away at me. God clearly showed me who I had become and who I should be. He enabled me to give abundantly. And the good news is that day by day, I really believe the stone wall my wife built around her heart to protect it from further damage by me is crumbling. Ron, the rewards are there waiting for you and your wife too. It isn't easy to change at first. But, over time the blessings you receive far out weigh the things you think you will sacrifice. <P>I was a PC junkie too; probably 3-4 hours a night. I not only alienated myself from my wife, but from my kids too. I pretty much quit cold turkey and to be perfectly honest, I don't really miss it at all.<P>Becoming fun isn't all that tough. The key is to spend time together doing things you both find enjoyable and to also find new things too. I make sure my W and I go out at least once a week sometimes more. We now go out for dinners, movies, we are starting up dancing lessons, we go to concerts and plays. Before kids, we used to snow ski a lot. Well, I got us skiing again. A couple of times we took the whole family, a few other times we took off while they were in school. Ron, I am having a great time getting to know my wife again and she is having fun as well. She still doesn't plan anything and if I didn't initiate it we wouldn't go, but I think in time that will change. I can't emphasis the conversation part of it too. Starting to talk again was tough - really tough. But, it flows so easy now. Sometimes we will go out to once of the five star hotels in our area and enjoy a glass of wine and just talk for a couple hours. At home, instead of dinking a way at the PC at night we watch movies together unless she has to study. I never used to watch movies with her. Offer to rub her feet while watching the movie - she'll be in heaven. <P>I think getting back into wind surfing is great. You're 51 and windsurfing? I'm sure you must be in great shape to do that. Would your W come with you? If not to surf then to fish, or jet ski, or hang out by the water? Sometimes you both can enjoy separate activities at the same location. <P>Ron, I was dull too. If I can change, you can change. I looked at this way. My life was about to change either with or without my wife. So, do the best you can in making the changes WITH your wife. <P>Cuckold has a lot of good points but he also stated:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Why would the dreamiest guy in town commit to a 38 year old woman with 2 kids who cheats on her husband? Dream on, lady. Drop that hint in passing, it might get the wheels in her brain turning on some other cold hard realities.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I wouldn't mention anything like this to your wife - my opinion. Big time love buster and she probably already realizes this. My W is 40 years old, very pretty and has a great figure too. After four kids her tummy is like a board - nice. But, she knows she has four kids and the thought of finding someone else for a long term commitment isn't what I think she was looking for. Like my W, I think your W is looking for some excitement and someone to pay very close attention to her. They want someone to talk to, to share new and exciting experiences with. Your W is 38; mine just turned 40. They are starting to see that maybe some things in life are passing them by. They want a man to sweep them off their feet again. Ron, you CAN be that man for your W. If she has the smallest spark left for you, YOU can fan the flames. It is very tough at first because it's give, give, give, on your part. Nothing in return. But, over time the walls start to fall and two things will happen: <BR>1) You will fall deeply in love with your wife again - I mean I thought I loved my W, but now my desire for her is beyond what I thought possible. <BR>2) She will begin to respond to your needs. It's a Godly principle: give and it shall be given unto you, pressed down, shaken together, and overflowing!<P>Keep trying Ron - I'm pulling for you!!!<P>SHA

Cuckhold<BR>I'd ask you to not be so tough but I know there is at least some truth in your advise. I don't like hearing some of it but I don't want to bury my head in the sand either. I know she is thinking about at least some of these things - where the OM is concerned. He has 3 girls and a beautiful wife. To go with him would result in mucho alimony and then supporting our girls. She told me the other night "I'm living my dream". I'm sure talking about having a functional family, nice house, and enough material things, active in Church and other activities, working part time in a job she loves. These are the realities and she knows it. But I know you are right about the age and attention. We have a few friends (mostly married) that love to make very suggestive greetings. My W knows I get nothing out of it when one of the wives lays one on me. But I can tell how my W gets off when she gets one laid on her by one of several of the studs in the group. It's ironic. On one hand she is so conservative (but becoming less so in the last 5 years) but she seems to really go for all the affection given by our friends. If there is a crowd of twenty men and women, you will find my W socializing with primarily men the majority of the time. Yes, all this causes me to be somewhat jealous. Yes, the affair has made it harder on me. Several times since the discover I have felt like my nose was being rubbed in it which didn't feel too good. A sort of rebellious "I can do what ever I want" attitude. This has gotten a little better in the last 2 or 3 months. I guess you got me going. So I'll try to hang in there, show her what she would be giving up, and let her know I accept the bad in her as well as the good. Others are only seeing the good.<P>Hi Janet<BR>Yes, my Ws mood changes drastically. This is one of the things that hurts me. When she is around our friends she is another person. Jumping around, laughing, giggly, hugging, etc. Focused like she is in the middle of getting some kind of fix. She has me completely tuned out. I say something to her and get this "Oh, do I know you?" look. When we are alone, she returns to her normal self - happy, pleasant, etc. usually behavior a person can sustain (reality). I know, what I am describing is the way we are all are. But she goes to an extreme - very giddy etc. If you are a guy, the look in her eyes says "God, I am enjoying your company". And they respond likewise. So what do I do except just ride it out. Should I continue to tell her I think she is attractive as I do now?<P>RWD<BR>Wow. There are people who can make me feel good about what I have. I'm sure sorry for you. Be strong. I think you are just going to have to endure this but the outcome doesn't look very encouraging. Ask those on this Forum for help. There are plenty who have been where you are. They can give you advise on how to cope and get through it. I'll say a prayer for you for sure. <P>Ron<BR>

RWD,<P>not sure of your story, but it sounds like classic need to go to PLAN B. She is hurting you too much, your love bank for her is draining out. Not sure how long her affair has lasted? But she needs to not have you meet any of her needs, make OM meet them all. With u having the kids, force the OM to try to meet some of the family committment needs. Work on yourself, get yourself ready for either moving on or when she is ready to reconcile. My wife has been moved out for 2 wks and I would bet the OM has stayed overnite about 90% of time. Much the same situation, I am waitng for the storm to move out of the area. It will self destruct eventually. I am considering PLAN B when it gets bad for me too.

I can't believe that I didn't reply on this thread before!! Okay, here's my two cents worth!! Here's what my husband did... he beat me to the punch. I tried to move out when I was in the midst of the affair and stupid-headed. He hurried up while I was at work one day and left me. Now that may not seem the best idea to everyone, because obviously, it caused its own share of separation between us, and was an almost-immediate plan b in action. I was so mad, because I wanted to begin a life with the OM, and now I couldn't. I'm not saying this is the best recourse, but for me it sure worked. I HAD TO face the truth. I had a REAL LIFE outside of the OM and I had to stay in my home and care for the family (three teens, 3 cats and a dog, a lawn, the dishes... ALL OF IT!) Hello, reality check. Ticked me off at the time, but had I moved with the OM, I wouldn't be here with my H and family today. Guarnnteed!

Thanks NewB. I have thought about the practicalities of this but not of the possible benifits of the shock into reality it would be. I hope I won't need it but if her leaving is looking like a real reality, I may do the same. I'm happy for you, your H, your 3 kids and the pets that it worked out.

Sailor,<BR> Your story is a lot like mine.Where I tend to be a little more conservative,quiet,and a realist,my W is more outgoing,flirtatious,and frivolous.I have found that it's very hard to be married to someone who needs to be the center of attention all the time,and wants to be around a lot of people often.I was also called controlling.I never felt that way.I think the term"controlling"is a very loose concept.In any marriage,there is going to be fights about money,kids,major decisions.Unless you're a spineless husband,you are going to speak your mind on the matter,as is your W. And now,when your W looks back on that,you were"controlling".Could it be,because the OM is giving,giving,giving,and letting her have her way,that he is seen as not controlling.But I bet if she married him,in due time,he too,will be seen as controlling.Make any sense? When my W moved out,she said it was to"find herself".Yeah,right.She just continued to see the OM.Now she's living with him.Believe me,once she moves out,you're out of sight,and out of mind.Maybe she can move into another part of the house? Good luck to you.--Murph

Sailor,<P>Sorry if I made your load a little heavier, that's the last thing I wanted to do. She's doing these actions for pleasure, I was just trying to mention some painful realites that may be coming her way in the near future. I'm so sorry that she is being cavalier with your feelings and dignity. This is when it is so tempting to get mad and teach her a lesson, but life will teach her one soon enough. I think RJR #2 could be a big encouragement to you, she's bravely come to terms with her behavior and is extremely grateful to her "amazing Rock who loved her when she was unlovable", it's so easy for any of us to be "caught up in the moment" and not thinking straight. Can you see a little of your wife in RJR #2's turnaround and recovery?<P>So you are a wind surfer? Wow, I'd love to learn how to do that.<BR>

Ha ha. I saw those words "find yourself" and it reminded me of an episode on the Beverly Hillbillies.<P>Milburn Drysdale, the banker on the show, is fed up with his 36 year old "professional student" son who's been in college for decades, constantly changing majors. Sonny says, "but Dad, I'm trying to find myself". Dad replies, "take my advice, don't look".<BR>

Cuckold,<P>that cracked me up...the line from the hillbillies... thanks <P>ALSO...<BR>Thanks for the encouragement but it is difficult to see myself as acting 'bravely'. I have always been a coward. I would say however that I am winning the battle against my selfishness to a greater degree. I also am winning the battle against the dreamworld I found myself in. <P>Let me admitt that I have been tempted to contact the OM even as late as yesterday. He works near me and I have on occasion seen him. It is true that there where times in the last few months that I thought I was making great progress and then I would feel down and believed I would be like that forever. Sad and hopeless and scared. Wondering who I even was... <P>This addiction I have had to the OM is loosing it's grip. It started to slip several months ago and for the most part has progressed forward in a positive way. Let me just add that for me I believe the 'addiction' is true - it sure has felt like an addiction. More and more I think it was less about who he was and more about the feeling and attention I was getting from him - true selfishness in my situation. ... The Reaction inside of my heart that now occurs immediately after I find myself wishing to talk to him is becoming more powerful. That is, the opposite reaction. The one that says 'STOP, Wait, Don't be a FOOL'...It's this same voice of reason that then successfully runs through all the reasons NOT to try to talk with him. This list of points is too long to mention here but you can imagine what those things might be. <P>The point is I guess, that though I can still have days of great struggle I can feel my freedom coming.It's been slower than I hoped but it is coming. At the same time I have lately felt closer to my H. I am continuing to see him for the man he is - a GREAT one. So as for some hope for the W's you all have, I can say there is good reason for hope! <P>Everyone eventually seems to come to the end of themselves. I think I am almost there. No more doors to open, only a path back to see where the problems were. Can't run from myself anymore. Besides I'm getting tired.<BR> <P>All I can add to this long babble is THANK GOD, this man who gave himself to me as a gift, loves me that much... I wish he would come here and write. I'd love for you all to know him at least a little.<P>better days ahead for all of us I hope!<P>-janet<P>

Janet...<P>DON'T YOU DO IT!!! You know what that man was like and how he treated you!!...Remember that fantastic hunk of a husband that you always brag about? The OM isn't fit to lick his shoes and you know that. Remember all of those things that the OM did and said every time you think of him.<P>You have come this far and we are all so proud of you and I thank God for your help. Now go love your husband!!! Don't let those little worthless thoughts creep up on you...replace them with the truth...that you love your hubby and that YOU are worth more to him than his own life!!! He is the better man....and you are too good of a woman to let that OM have any type of time occupying thoughts about him...

MY Friend Broken,<P>HOW ARE YOU ??!!!! Good to see you here! <P>Don't worry, please! I was simply sharing some of the feelings that still come and go. I WILL NOT contact him...I was trying to explain that the danger is gone though the thoughts occasionally creep in. And I know you are right....you know one of those times a month or so ago I was feeling so down... I went back and found that post where you described how men like OM think...how they (especially those who are single and have been with married women before- like the OM in my case) work the situation. Actually those are some of the things that I would have listed had I taken the time to do so. BUT more than that I would've added more reasons on NOT doing anything like that because of who my H is. <BR>So, really don't worry...<P>How have you been? Hope all is well with you... If you have time sometime do an update post...I was thinking about writing one to you, and Lone Star too...just to catch up.<P>good to hear ya<BR>-janet