I feel I'm going crazy. two months ago my husband of 9 years and I had a late night discussion (not even a fight) because I was upset that I never get to see him. He's a county cop, works almost 24-7. He sleeps, gets up and goes to work. comes home between 2:30 and 5:30am. I work days. I wanted him to take some time off so we could do something. he said he couldn't because they are short handed (its been this way for a year now) I asked that he work something out. He felt I was being unreasonable, used a tone I took offense to and said some smarta**ed things. after a while I decided that I wasn't important to him and suggested that he go stay somewhere else for a while. I was hurting regretted it almost immediately, but didn't know what else to do. He relunctly agreed and made arrangements. that evening when I got home i called him at work and told him that I was sorry, just too frustrated and that I didn't want him to leave, that I loved him and would be happy if I got to see him sometime. He agreed to come home, but when he did he informed me that he didn't love me anymore. that he only felt for me like a friend and he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. All very shocking to me because we have always been so happy, so in love, so affectionate, even earlier before the discussion. Now for the last two months, after reading everything on this site and trying to be patient. he still won't even kiss me. we still sleep in the same bed. we've made love (had sex) a few times (kissing sometimes) he says he doesn't feel anything for me. He has been coming home for dinner most nights, work permitting. I've printed things off for him because he thinks it's hopeless and that he can never love me again. its so obvious that he tries to ignore me. He acts like he will get cooties if he touches me. But we have had sex 1 -2 times each week. he says "bye" as he goes back to work after eating, hesitates like he wants to kiss me or me kiss him, but he refuses to make a move. I go and kiss him - he doesn't kiss back. I've been trying so hard to stay positive, but its getting harder. two nights ago I get up at 3:30am to talk to him. he tells me again that he doesn't feel anything for me, he wants to leave, but feels traped because of our finances-neither one of us can afford to be on our own right now. He says he resents me trying to get him to look at this site and that I am not going to force him to try and make this work. he afraid to try because he said he's been trying for 4 years and he still don't love me. I open up about my fears that caused me to ask him to leave and asked for forgiveness. He states again that he doesn't care for me except as a friend. then he initates sex before I leave for work. now today he gets the evening off and he leaves to go to a rodeo in another town. He's had a couple of other days off here and there the last couple of months and he spends them in another town. I want him to have time off and to de-stress because of his job he needs it bad. but I can't stand it that he won't spend 1 hour with me or our son. He won't even talk long enough to make a joint agreement. He won't even look at the emotional needs assessment. Nothing. he lets me meet some of his needs but he refuses to meet any of mine or even conside my feelings about anything. Am I wasting my time. Or is more time need? a different strategy? I'm lost. Please help me. I don't know what to trust. we've always got along great. No real problems except when he works, he pours all of himself into it. I can wait this out if he will ever come around, we're worth it. but I can't tell if he ever will and I don't think we can get it back if he never becomes willing to help me work at it. Please help, tenbo

<small>[ July 05, 2003, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: tenbo ]</small>

Tenbo,

I totally feel your pain. Your H sounds just like mine. High stress job, no energy for me or kids, expects me to "make him happy", no interest in my needs.

I'm still going through some of the same, however, I can recommend reading through this site and a christian book called "Love life for every married couple". It's not what you think it is. It has an entire chapter dedicated to those who are trying to save their marriage alone.

It has helped me so much, I know it will help you.

My heart goes out to you.

Pana

Thanks Pana, I'll check out the book. Hpoing things get better for you too. Thanks again.
Tenbo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tenbo:
<strong>I feel I'm going crazy. two months ago my husband of 9 years and I had a late night discussion (not even a fight) because I was upset that I never get to see him. He's a county cop, works almost 24-7. He sleeps, gets up and goes to work. comes home between 2:30 and 5:30am. I work days. I wanted him to take some time off so we could do something. he said he couldn't because they are short handed (its been this way for a year now) I asked that he work something out. He felt I was being unreasonable, used a tone I took offense to and said some smarta**ed things. after a while I decided that I wasn't important to him and suggested that he go stay somewhere else for a while. I was hurting regretted it almost immediately, but didn't know what else to do. He relunctly agreed and made arrangements. that evening when I got home i called him at work and told him that I was sorry, just too frustrated and that I didn't want him to leave, that I loved him and would be happy if I got to see him sometime. He agreed to come home, but when he did he informed me that he didn't love me anymore. that he only felt for me like a friend and he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. All very shocking to me because we have always been so happy, so in love, so affectionate, even earlier before the discussion. Now for the last two months, after reading everything on this site and trying to be patient. he still won't even kiss me. we still sleep in the same bed. we've made love (had sex) a few times (kissing sometimes) he says he doesn't feel anything for me. He has been coming home for dinner most nights, work permitting. I've printed things off for him because he thinks it's hopeless and that he can never love me again. its so obvious that he tries to ignore me. He acts like he will get cooties if he touches me. But we have had sex 1 -2 times each week. he says "bye" as he goes back to work after eating, hesitates like he wants to kiss me or me kiss him, but he refuses to make a move. I go and kiss him - he doesn't kiss back. I've been trying so hard to stay positive, but its getting harder. two nights ago I get up at 3:30am to talk to him. he tells me again that he doesn't feel anything for me, he wants to leave, but feels traped because of our finances-neither one of us can afford to be on our own right now. He says he resents me trying to get him to look at this site and that I am not going to force him to try and make this work. he afraid to try because he said he's been trying for 4 years and he still don't love me. I open up about my fears that caused me to ask him to leave and asked for forgiveness. He states again that he doesn't care for me except as a friend. then he initates sex before I leave for work. now today he gets the evening off and he leaves to go to a rodeo in another town. He's had a couple of other days off here and there the last couple of months and he spends them in another town. I want him to have time off and to de-stress because of his job he needs it bad. but I can't stand it that he won't spend 1 hour with me or our son. He won't even talk long enough to make a joint agreement. He won't even look at the emotional needs assessment. Nothing. he lets me meet some of his needs but he refuses to meet any of mine or even conside my feelings about anything. Am I wasting my time. Or is more time need? a different strategy? I'm lost. Please help me. I don't know what to trust. we've always got along great. No real problems except when he works, he pours all of himself into it. I can wait this out if he will ever come around, we're worth it. but I can't tell if he ever will and I don't think we can get it back if he never becomes willing to help me work at it. Please help, tenbo</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Tenbo,
I feel your frustration and your anger. I believe it would be wise to read Dr. Harley's book: Love Busters.
but why? It seems your husband does not love you anymore, so the first step would be to understand why you guys have reached this stage in your marriage? you may have been ignorant to your problems and thought the problems you had are TRIVIAL. I learnd hard that there is nothing TRIVIAL in marriage life and every gesture or word means something and requires a positive adaptation...after you learned what cuases this seperation, then you can plan it to resolve the problems.

I think the book refers to both stages and have some guide lines to follow.

I have been ignorant in my marriage and I am paying back for all of that now. I am planing to read the book in next two weeks and If I come across any interesting points, I will share it with you.

Try to be a leader in your marriage life and do your best to save it. (although I know how tough it is to be Ms./Mr. wise)

regards,

my heart goes out for you. its very difficult to live with a man that doesn't love you i know by experience. but it really depends on him how long it will last. my h has stood 24 yrs and each year it gets harder he has stood because of the children and because he worried that we can't make it on our own and sometimes i think he is more afraid for himself than for us. all i can say is be nice try to please him in every way that you can. show him how much you him. when we arque i tell him i'm going to try to be a better wife and he says i am a good wife there is nothing that i can change but i do give him credit for staying as long as he has with out that great love that we all want to feel. what i really wish that i can feel from him to me. so i know how it feels and it really hurts God Bless and ask him for guidance its the only way you will survive

Richard & Ilia

Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement. I did read and re-read about Love Busters and Emotional Needs. I really searched myself to take a good look at what LBs I was doing. I discovered that what I thought was "informing him of what I needed and what would make me happy" was not information; it was LBs. Complaints. Or at least thats how he must have taken it in his state of mind. I was so concerned with what I was missing out on (affection, closeness, time together, etc) that I wasn't thinking about all the hours he's worked for so long, and under the kind of stress that he is.
After this good look at my behavior and how it was doing nothing but making withdrawals from my Love Bank, I decided to do everything I could just to CARE for him. To try and meet his every need, which he wouldn't let me (or didn't care). Trying hard not to do any Love Busters. It may be paying off finally.
Just this week, he's started calling unexpectedly, not really wanting anything in particular. He's been stopping in (while on duty) and spending 30 minutes to a couple of hours at a time each day. Hadn't done that in nearly a year. He's even called me Baby and Honey a couple of times. Still hasn't said he loves me yet or kiss me the way he used to, but things are so much better. He's touching me again while we sleep and we have been making love each night (morning). It's still not RIGHT, but so much better, I can't stop smiling.
There is hope. And maybe I'm just being hopeful but I swear that although he won't say it, there's love in his eyes. I'm staying with "Taking CARE of him" and avoiding identified Love Busters, not crowding, questioning, or being too needy myself, and yes of course praying. And since he is now letting me meet his needs and actually accepting Deposits we have a chance.
I'm am so glad I found this site early on once he hit the state of withdrawal. Otherwise, I'd still be doing everything wrong; feeling sorry for myself and being "selfish". There is hope here and for all of us. You guys hang in there. Will keep you up to date.
Thanks again for you thoughts, Tenbo

Dear Tenbo:

You have been married for 9 years, and I don’t think people just falls out of love. Do you have any suspicions that there might be someone else on his life?

Tenbo, have you tried counseling? Does he want to go to see a marriage counselor with you? You guys have a son, and should try to work things out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yourhonestopinion

Hi all,

This is just an update. Things are still going okay. Not great, well...maybe great, compared to how awful it was.
He still hasn't said he loves me yet. But he calls me regularly while he's working, he stops in and visits with me while he's working. He's coming home earlier than he has in months; lately its been before 1:00a.m. And today, he approached me for a kiss. Yes. Yes. He came over and kissed me. This was a shock. He's been letting me kiss him, but today he kissed me.
And... the other day, Tuesday, I think, we were talking about some of our savings. He's needing (wanting) an assualt rifle, one with laser sights, lights, etc. He was asking if we could manage. I told him yes but I figured that he would want to leave it alone so that we'd have deposit, insurance money, etc. (money for starting a new life alone) He kinda hem-ha'ed a little bit. So I asked him if he stilled wanted to move. Instead of giving me a "He** YES, Can't wait." like I got a few weeks ago. It was "well..I..don't know. I...don't..know." I was in my car and could have wrecked.
So, whatever his/our problem is, its still getting better. No, I still don't think he is or was having an affair. I believe I was doing too many "Love Busters". And I was being so self consumed, so selfish that I was making very small "Love Deposits", Meeting very few of his needs. Concentrating on my needs, and what he wasn't doing for me.
Right or wrong, don't know. Don't know if I care. All I know for sure is that I found this site when things seemed really hopeless. He wanted out of our marriage, out of our house and was not interested in spending ANY time with me.
I began reading about the Concepts (I read the entire site) and started trying to implement what I was learning. Still he would not let me make any deposits. I was really feeling lost when I came into the forum, wondering if I should give up or not, because it didn't seem like it was getting any better.
But I think I was wanting it all to be better, and I wasn't appreciating all the LITTLE things that were better. And now, even though we still aren't where we need to be, he still shows no interest in counseling, filling out the questionnaires, or anything of the sort. He is coming around. So long story short. The Concepts in this site work. They take time. You have to be patient and understand that your needs will not be met, but eventually it will work. I know we still have a long way to go. But I have so much hope now. Hope for a marriage thats even better than we had before.
I also have to give credit to God and a book I've been reading "The Four Agreements" that has helped me understand myself. and how to change the things I don't like. How to be happy and at peace with myself. I believe this change in me has probably had a big impact on him also. These changes and understandings have made it so easy for me to apply the MB concepts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And all of this is starting to have a positive affect on my H and our marriage that was pretty much over in his mind a month ago. Thank you all for listening to me and for talking to me. Your words and advice is priceless. Sent with love, Tenbo

Tenbo,

I've read through your posts and others' replies, and although my situation is a little different from yours, I think we're in the same boat. About a year ago, my husband of 7 years came home and announced that he was leaving his first-shift factory job to take a second-shift job in a restaurant. He didn't discuss it with me ahead of time or even inform that he was considering this move (probably because he could accurately predict my reaction). He says that he's just a night person and that it's so much a part of who he is that me asking him not to work second shift is, in effect, asking him to change. In the year that he's been on nightshift, our marriage has steadily fallen apart to the point that we are now separated. I believe this is partly because we don't spend enough time together (he thinks we don't need to spend much time together, can't convince him otherwise) and partly because I've mishandled my anger, frustration, and lonliness caused by being a single-but-married mother. You've said that you decided just to focus on caring for him and striving to meet all of his needs, whether or not he'd let you, and independant of whether or not he was meeting yours. HOW DO YOU DO THAT FOR A SUSTAINED PERIOD OF TIME? I've tried that. But I can only do it for so long before I get so overwhelmed, I blow. I do everything by myself. I have sole responsibility for the children (even before we separated), the house, the bills, etc. I work 40 hours a week. The fact is, I have needs too! Sometimes it's just too much for one person to handle alone! I have an ADHD, elementary aged son and a very precocious and mischievous pre-schooler. Some days I honestly can't do it alone! To make matters worse, I don't have much family close enough (or healthy enough) to support me. Getting me-time is nearly impossible for me. I don't know what to do. I can see how what you're doing for your marriage is working and it makes sense. I just don't know how to do that! I would welcome your advice (others too!). I'm afraid that our marriage is closer to divorce than separation and I don't know how to reverse that.

Dear Jen

I'm sure that I am no one to be giving advice. I'm just running on faith and in all fairness it hasn't been that long. I've only quit whinning and began trying to repair this marriage a couple of months ago.
I also must tell you that I have also been prescribed Xanax, which I take when I feel I'm going to blow; when negative thoughts and/or the "Taker" start taking over. And so far, by resisting a confortation, even just a little while, I have been rewarded with him saying or doing something that lets me understand that it wasn't "personal".
Not taking it "personal" has become my mantra. I spent so long wondering why he would do this "to me." When the truth is he can't read my mind. I can't read his mind. We all create our own world or dream in our own minds. Our world is influenced by everything that has happened to us in the past and everything that has ever been said to us. Did we buy into it? Did we make it part of our being? When we take it personal we do. We think everything is about us. Pretty selfish, uhn?
I also discovered that while I'm taking everthing "personal" I am also making assumptions about what the other person is thinking, doing, planning, etc. When in fact I have no real way of knowing that unless I ask. (This is the hard part for me right now, because "asking" is definitely a Love Buster)
Again, Xanax helps me when I start assuming (negatively) what he is thinking or doing. I also printed certain concepts and states of marriage, etc. And when I start getting overwhelmed, I read and re-read the part that tell me "It can Happen" I can bring him back if I keep the Taker in check. He will fall in love with me again if I meet his important emotional needs. (Also hard for me because he won't cooperate with the readings, questionnaires, etc. - I've had to just guess.) I tried to put myself in his shoes, and tried to think about what he would need/want to be happy and content, what would make life better.
I have not neglected myself, however. Because if he decides that he wants to separate or divorce, I want to be okay. I was in such shock and panic that I was a long way from okay when this first came about. I've been learing to love myself. Trying to free myself of certain fears I had for so long, such as fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of not being loved. I've done a lot of soul searching and demon wrestling. I feel so much better about myself, I think this may also be having a positive influence on HIM.
So Jen, like I said before, I'm really no one to give advice, but what ever you do, you must take care of you. I had to ask myself "what would I do if I wasn't afraid?" Well pretty much everything I had been afraid of had already happened. I had to let it go and work on making myself strong. Work on ridding myself of what made me vunerable to such fears. And what I found out is by getting rid of the fears, I became "happy". I made myself happy. And the more I work on myself, reading, exercising (never had time before???)visiting, etc. The happier I get, the more at peace I become. I now KNOW that I will be okay no matter waht happens with our marriage. And all this (plus the Xanex) makes it easier not to Love Bust. So now I think the sieve is starting to clog and he now seems to be accepting deposits.
I hope something I said gives you hope, renews your faith. Because I feel I'm just running on blind faith.
Something else I did for a while was to consider, What if I died today, what if he died today. What would I want the last thing to remember be? Not something that I would have to feel guilty about the rest of my life, like complaining about what I thought he should be doing for me. I decided that if it were up to me, our last memories of each other will at least be pleasant if not loving. And than in our relationship, it appears that it is up to me, because he is pretty much following my lead, as in how he is treating me. (not the way I want him to be yet, but he's not love busting with rudeness), He's pleasant.
I'm rambling and this is too long. Don't lose faith. Work on you being happy. He can't make you happy-you have to. Find out how. Once you're happy, everthing else will be okay. LOL Tenbo

Hello,

I can understand your fustration, but hang in there. I am a Police Officer and I can understand his situation. When we signed up for this job we accepted the fact that we could be called on at any time and that we are never off(we are police officers 24/7.
You should sit him down and tell him you need one day with him. If he doesn't or can't make time, he may be living a double life. I say this because, if we go to our supervisor and explain the situation they will allow us to take a couple days off.

Hang in there

Paul

Hi all,

I just realised that I'm not the only one going through this obstacle in my M and this is just a small hurdle to more good years in my M.

I am also going through a stage in my M where my H told me one day (begining of Jul 03) that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore and finds it hard to see or talk to me. So he told me to move back to my mum's so that I can be with my son (and we can take time off to thing about the M).

Just last night, bumped into my H when I went back to my own home to clean up and do my laundry. He asked if I wanted to talk so I hang around (was running the Basic Concepts and Love Busters to boost my confidence while I was waiting for him). Didn't really had a thorough conversation, as he kept saying that he isn't very sure what he wanted at this point in time. I let him talked. Only asking questions when I wanted to know what are his needs.

The conversation was interrupted by his mum's phone call (she has been hysterical ever since she learnt about the incident).

He was angry with the parents for putting him in a spot. He is trapped trying to meet their needs and getting his own business done. He broke down and was cursing, all these while I just kept quiet (thinking at least he is talking to me and I'm the one listening to his woes). After the episode, he said he need to pick up something and left (after I asked him if I could stay over since it was late and I'll be working the next day).

He didn't come home till 3 plus in the morning (that was his way of telling me he is not comfortable seeing me and having me around). Felt a bit hurt but had to control my thoughts and try to act normal. Was asleep when he came back but woke at 4 am to see him sleeping already.

Thing that hurts most is the cold and cruel treatment that he gives me. But I know it's his way of telling me he is afraid and is in withdrawal and I have to hang in there.

I can't tell him about the basic concepts, but I did mentioned that feelings can be nurtured (my way of telling him that it can be restored) and asked him for some time.

I know it's going to be a long and difficult journey ahead. There will be times when people will ask me if my H is worth my time and effort. There will also be times when I question myself about the purpose of trying to save the M. But I know I'll have to persist and hope for the day when my H comes back to me...

Just good to know there are people who are sharing the experiences and I'm not the odd one.

thanks

Hi NHP,

Sorry you have to endure this too. This has to be the worst feeling and hardest thing anyone ever has to overcome. I lost my Mom to cancer 2 years ago, and I truly believe this is by far the worst. My heart goes out to you and everyone.
You sound alot like me-been reading alot and trying to learn what to do. Sounds like you are on track. Hang in and don't get discouraged, (the hard part for me). Even wtih all the positives, every tiny victory I should be rejoicing, I still have to spend a lot of energy staying "up". As you can tell from my previous posts my H is now letting me fulfill HIS needs, hey he even is starting to expect it. But still he's not willing to fill my most important needs. Yes, he's doing some little things here and there. (Too few-too far apart to make any deposits). This makes me feel used and unappreciated. I'm fighting hard ALL THE TIME to surpress these feeling. They will ruin everything.
In his words "We've been getting along so great these last few weeks." Yeh why not? His every need is met-Happily met. Can you tell my Taker is screaming at me. I just hope Taker doesn't take over my mouth. I'm trying so hard to put her back to sleep. I know if I can keep her in check, H and I can have a chance. He's truly talking to me again-no weird tension. I'd just feel better if he were willing to talk about the Concepts, but like your H, he's still not ready to hear it.
I probably should not have relied since I'm feeling kinda down today (don't really know why-hormonal?) who knows. So please don't let me poison any of your thinking. Just that if you are anything like me, even when its SO MUCH BETTER, even when it appears that its working and he's on his way back, you Taker will try to wreck it. Resist the taker, no matter how stupid or used you feel. The concepts are like formulas, they must be worked exactly (I think - could be wrong) to work. And it only makes sense that to bring someone out of withdrawal, letting the Taker fight, whine or make demands won't do it.
Stay in touch, let me know what works-I'll do the same. (Especially if you figure out how to get him to want you as his rec companion) I believe if I could jump this hurdle, I'd feel 95% there.
Stay focused - remember you goal. Hope to talk to you soon. Tenbo

Hi tenbo,

Hey, I just hit depression today.

Is still staying at my mum's place with my son and feel very helpless that I have to rely on my parents. Starting to feel angry with everyone around me.

Am thinking if I should be moving back home next month to put my Plan A into proper action, just to show him that I'm determined to change while waiting for him to make a decision.

It's really very heart breaking that someone that you love is doing this to you, ignoring and avoiding you.

Worse part is that he has not seen his son for the whole 3 weeks I was away, not even asked to see him. Guess by avoiding, he feels that he won't feel guilty.

Feeling a little doubtful about myself and a better strategy to implement the plan.

Oh NHP,

So sad to hear about the depression. I had to get help from a Dr. Xanax is wonderful. When all I can do is cry, when everything I look at makes tears well. Anyway its wonderful, and I don't have to take all the time, not even everyday, I've even gone a week without any. The best part was it let me sleep. I went over a month without sleep. I was a wreck. I am not an advocate for pills or substances, but I can think now. I can clear my mind and soul of the pain and think about what is best.
Unlike the two of you, we stayed in the same house, same bed. I'm not sure that I'd be making any headway at all if we had separated. (makes it too easy to give up) Plus, if he didn't have to see me daily, he would not be able to see how I've changed and how I've stopped Love Busting, how it is for real, not just me saying what I think he wants to hear. You know actions speak louder than words.
Which is why he encourages me sometimes. Those moments, those little things is what I try to hold onto each day, especially the days he acts like he can't stand the sight of me. (which I'm trying real hard not to take personal-with his hours, the cases he has, etc.etc.-I'd probably be awful to be around) But sometimes when he looks at me, I see love. He reaches for me now and then. He initiates sex at least 3 times a week. He comes home so proud wanting to share his accomplishments with me. And sometimes the kisses are real. I run these scenes over and over, to keep myself up; to remind me that the concepts are working, just takes time.
From my point of view, from what I've gone through. It took a month after I quit crying, pleading, looking sad/depressed, etc. of meeting his needs to no avail, before he started accepting deposits. I did tell him one time, after a month of me being perfect (scared me to death-thought I love busted) something to the fact that whatever was going on with him was in his head, that I didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating me, that I was tired of the weird coolness, that I was not that bad a person and deserved better than he was treating me. Only this wasn't face to face. He had hung up on me or lost service (very possible in these hills) but I accused him of hanging up and told him off on his voice mail.
He called many hours later, gentle voice and told me he heard my message. I said well, I apologize for how I reacted but not for what I felt or said. He said well I'll be home in about an hour. We never talked about it, or anything else relating to us, but things have been different-he's trying. He really is trying. Yes I hope for more, but from the state of withdrawal I had pushed him, I'm thrilled with trying.
I'm not saying tell him off, but don't let him see you depressed or in any mood other than someone he would want to spend time with. If you were home you could meet his EN, at least the ones you think are important to him. I say you have to guess because he sounds like mine and won't even consider counseling or any help of the sort. You will just have to show him through your actions, careful not to cling. And for you sake, never expect anything. If loving him makes you happy, then love him, but don't expect anything. No disappointment that way.
Someone told me its up and down, up and down. I can't tell you how true that statement is. Bask in the up (good) but don't expect it to last.
You have to find something that makes you happy. Something (within yourself) that will keep you happy no matter what. Gotta go, Tenbo

Hi tenbo,

Good to hear your are making progress.

Thing is he has been saying that he needs time and space to think, that was why he suggested I moved back to my mum's.

But now that it's almost been a month, i'm contemplating moving back slowly, maybe once a week next month. However, I would have to be mentally prepared to be avoided, ie, he will stay away till the wee hours in the morning and is afraid that he will move out. Also, I would need to consider if I should let him know that I'll be home on certain days (and risk him avoiding me on those days). I also do not want to be accused of not giving him sufficient time and space. So I'm so confused.

I know that I have to be home to let him see the changes, and keep the connectivity. But I have so many questions that I'm afraid of LB-ing him. Any suggestions?

Just today, I was so tempted to contact him. So I sent him a mobile phone message talking about the weather. Sounds crazy right?

Hi NHP

I am not qualified to give anyone advice, except read and re-read everything on this site.

As hard as this ordeal has been on me, I probably have had it easier than most. My H and I have always gotten along, best friends, no screaming or intentional hurtful things. So part of our progress can be summed up to us being civil to each other. I appealed to his cilvility.

We talked about how neither of us could afford to be on our own yet, that it was going to be months. We agreed that we didn't want things to get ugly and we didn't want to hate each other. I told him that splitting without actively trying would cause me to second guess and always have doubts. So why not for the time we are trapped (his words) together, why not try to turn it around. Give it our best. That way if it don't work out, I can go on with my life knowing I gave it my best, that we tried, really tried, no regrets. It made sense to him, and he is trying. Sometimes, if I didn't know and have it on the tip of my brain, we almost seem normal again. Uh? Maybe I should try to get it off my brain, you know dream a new dream. Dream a dream where our marriage is stronger than ever, forget it's messed up right now. Because really, other than me knowing he doesn't love me, (he won't say it), he doesn't treat me any worse. I was happy before, ignorant but happy. Now I'm aware. I can be even happier. I think you too.

Make sure your mind is clear. Make sure you are thinking straight. And do what you think is right. Ask yourself, "What would you do if your were not afraid?" Prays for you, Tenbo

Hi tenbo,

Good to hear from you. I think it's good to know that someone out there is going through the same things.

Went to work today feeling more confident about myself. Think I should go shopping and get some nice stuff (have lost some weight in these 3 weeks). Maybe get some nice colours and start wearing make-up (have always neglected this area, out of laziness I guess).

Think I should start taking up swimming lessons so that we can go swimming together in future (my husband likes to swim, and this gives us a common activity to do together).

Have been thinking of taking belly dancing lessons, so signed up for a 2 months course (hopefully, it helps tone the body).

Think I should start moving out of my comfort zone and show him that I'm changing. But I have to do it slowly.

Patience is the name of the game.

Good luck to you...

NHP

Good to hear you're feeling good. Your current plans sound awesome; wish I could belly dance. New clothes and makeup always helps. Who knows, attractiveness may be one of his important EN. All I can say is "You go Girl!" and Good luck to you too.
Tenbo