It would be a shame to keep going through life harboring this problem. If your H screwed up once, in a minor way, over a long period of time, I suggest allowing him some grace. If this was a consistent pattern of inappropriate behavior I would counsel differently. You will eventually drive him away and your worst fears will be realized. Isn't it easier to face this sin (jealousy is a sin) now and be done with it? Have you fully communicated your feelings to H? Are you fulfilling his EN's? Please don't CHOOSE to continue this way. Your M is too precious to sacrifice on the altar of unfounded jealousy. May God's grace be with you.

John 16:33.

hurting Promise Keeper,
You are right, it is a shame to keep harboring this problem. My faith has allowed me to forgive him, but I sometimes wonder if he has forgiven himself. I try to talk to him about this but he shuts me out and thats when my jealousy really rares its ugly head. We need to talk about this and finally put it to rest. We tried through counseling but every time we tried to address this issue he would get angry and walk out. I still am afraid that this addiction will come back to haunt us and if we can't talk about it then how are we suppose to get past these feelings of insecurity? I have always heard that once an addict always an addict, but he says he is cured. He says he only visited the sites out of curiousity, so my feelings are unjustified. Isn't this playing with fire? Would you go to a bar if you were alcholic? I know that my jealously is a sin and I continue to pray about this daily. I know John 16:33 and pray for peace as well. I want to believe that I am fulfilling all of his needs, but have my doubts. We both want to stay married and get through this, but I am not sure if he isn't just staying because he is afraid of being alone. Thanks for your advice. I am trying...

I'm on your side so keep trying to openly and honestly communicate with him. Have you folks tried a Christian counselor familiar with Biblical precepts concerning addiction (on his part) and forgiveness (on your part)? Maybe he will be more prone to relax and open up with a church counselor. I am very familiar with counseling addiction problems, and they can't be treated as a disease. Addiction is a spiritual problem and only Jesus offers everlasting deliverance. Do you folks have a marriage enrichment class in your church? If not there are many good Christian marriage sites on the internet. Keep your eyes on the prize!

I believe your husband is very ashamed about his past behavior. He probably sees it as a weakness on his part.

How would you react if he came out and completely admitted to it (truthfully)? I think he is more afraid of loosing you than anything else. Have you made threats to him while having jealous feelings? What is he afraid of?

I can honestly say I have never watched pornography or come close to cheating on my wife. If I had I would address it here, otherwise the forum wouldn't do me any good. I know the way I react towards her jealousy only antagonizes it though. It becomes a viscious cycle. My wife's jealousy comes from way before me.

Yes I do believe my husband is ashamed of his behavior. I just wish he understood that by being honest about what he has done would only make me trust and love him more and allow me to start the healing process and be able to trust him again. We have been through so much there is absolutely no reason for him to fear me leaving him. I don't threaten to leave him, I believe in our commitment to each other. If there is a threat there I am not realizing that I am doing it and will certainly pay closer attention. This happened over a year ago, and I just want to trust him as I did before this happened. How can you trust someone again when you know they are not being honest with you? He wants me to trust him again, then he needs to trust me enough to be honest. And, yes we did go to Biblical Counseling, it was the only thing in the last year that helped me feel better. Just when I started feeling pretty again and sure of myself again, we moved to another state and have not yet resumed the counseling. I get angry with myself for the way I feel. I find myself praying for him to remain faithful to the Lord and then maybe he will ramain faithful to me. How sick is that? Everytime I turn this over to the lord, something happens that will make me turn around and grab it back. I want so desperately to go back to counceling and feel strongly that it has to be a spiritual setting. We have yet to find a church here to call home. And until we do, it seems as if everything is on hold. Several months ago we talked about renueing our vows in the church and actully attending the 6 week pre-marriage counseling. This really helped me feel better, but he now keeps coming up with one excuse after another for waiting. The move, no home church etc...C.S. Lewis said "The best is perhaps what we understand the least" Job 23:10 comes to mind. Thanks for your continued input. It is a blessing. I truly want to get past the viscious cycle.

alx1970-I was wondering if you and your wife have seen the counselor yet and if so, how did it go? I pray that it works out for you. It sounds as if she needs constant reassurance. Unfortunately, I know how that feels. If he is not praising me, I think he has someone else. I pray for myself as well. Until reading your post, I had no idea the pain I was causing him, I only knew the pain I was in. How selfish! You have helped me see me through his eyes. Thank you.

We have an appointment with a councelor at our church this coming Tuesday. I am looking forward to it, not sure she is though. I think she is afraid of facing her fears. I think you and your husband will make it, there is an undercurrent in your writing of great love between the two of you. You both have to learn to trust one another and it is very hard sometimes.

Do you have to belong to a certain church to seek counceling? The pastor we are going to see actually isn't a member of our church.

In reading through all of the post to you, someone suggested that you show this to your wife, I agree. Sometimes we can express ourselves better in writing than verbally. I believe that if she was to read the things you have written she would understand how important she is to you and know as well how important saving your relationship is.

We were attending counseling through Christian Biblical Counseling Center before our move. However, my H quit after a while, but I continued. Because he believes this is my problem and I am the one that needs to work through it and get beyond it. It got to a point where I felt as if it was all about me and not about us. I just want him to take resposibility for his actions. He now is showing no real interest, but I would like to go back as I do believe it did help me to deal better with my insecurities. There was a connection from the beginning and I am having a hard time finding the same kind of service here. (maybe I am spoiled) I guess a pastor is an option I really hadn't thought about. I will suggest this to my H as well as check the internet for services in my area. Thanks

I didn't have intention to post here again (said enough), but this sentence 'provoked' me to do again:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jan_goingcrazy:
Because he believes this is my problem and I am the one that needs to work through it and get beyond it</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jan, I so much recognized myself in your story... and fully understand you (that's why I asked Alex some things...)

Please, don't think you are 'paranoic' or this is result of your 'sick-jelaousy'!
This is your guts and even if he's totally innocent - he doesn't send you 'signals' to feel secure about him... and then it's his problem, or communicating skills of both of you...

Hope you'll find out nothing bad!

After months and months of sufferings, dilemmas, his accusing me of paranoia and other awful things, and after spying, I found out about A...

I 'died' that day of pain and - revived for learning I'm sane...

I do hope in your case is just about communicating...

Take care ANYWAY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. The more I read, the more I realize I should change my screen name because I am not going crazy. I am at present going to use every resource available to me to get beyond this. The continued advice I am recieving here is soooooooooooo helpful. I hope it continues. Thank you for your post. I have to hold on to the hope that it is just lack of communication. I pray for this every day. God Bless and happiness to you.

Jan. Have you seen or heard of the book "The 5 Love Languages"? Very good book about the different communication types that people respond to. You guys may not be communicating love to each other in ways the other person hears or feels it. I highly recommend the book. We are using the book and it does seem to help quite a bit.

I read the post about pornography. My ex-wife and I watched it together some and I can definately say it probably had negative impact on the marriage. We never fought over it but deep down I think it affects both people knowing their spouse is getting aroused by watching the opposite sex strut around naked and then comparing themselves. It may not condemn it in the bible, but I think it has a negative impact on the core of a relationship. You may think your spouse is ok with it and they may be, but I don't think it is benefiting the relationship any. I think it is different if you are looking at the human body from an objective viewpoint "artistically or medicinally" and not trying to stimulate yourself sexually in front of your partner. Maybe I've just gotten prude... It's just that every marriage I've seen where there was pornagraphy involved whether consentual or not, there were always problems and pain on one persons part. If you're single it's up to you, but married I think it's different.

Alex,
I had not heard of this book, but found it on Amazon yesterday and will be reading it soon. I think I have to agree with you that pornography is probably not the answer for us. A lot of this is about me and my insecurities about his past. It seems as if there is always something that keeps feeding these insecurities. Most recently his announcement that he will be going to London for 10 days. After his promise that he would not travel this long without me. I am trying to find a way to be able to make the trip with him, but have several challenges to overcome. Please wish me luck. I thought a lot yesterday about you and your appointment to see a counselor last-night. I prayed for you that your W kept the appointment. How did it go? On Monday I started reading the Purpose Driven Life and am very excited about what I have read so for. I am hopeful that this will help me accomplish my goal of living a Christ like life without the jealousies and insecurities. If you haven't looked at this book, it may be something you and your W could explore together. My H is open to doing this after glimpsing through the book. I feel as if its a start to something wonderful. I look forward to hearing how your appointment went.

"God Bless"
Jan

Hey Jan. Thank you so much for your prayers. The counceling session went very well. My wife was very accepting of using a biblical based foundation for working on the marriage. The pastor did recommend reading "A Purpose Driven Life", so we'll be purchasing the book shortly. He also recommended reading the story of Solomon. I think we were both looking for a more spiritual answer and hopefully this is it.

Wow. You said a prayer for us. That is very touching. Thank you again. I will say a prayer for you and your husband. You really sound like a wonderful person and I know you will over come all of this. God never puts more on our plate than we can handle.

Alex,

I am very happy for you. I also wanted to recommend another book that I go back to often when I am feeling that I can't take it anymore. "The Mystery of God's Will" by Chuck Swindoll. This book is by far one of the most powerful books I have ever read.
I have started the "Purpose Driven Life" and my H and I decided that this was to important to do over 40 days, so we will do this over 40 weeks. It was actually his idea. This will give us a week to really reflect on each day and we are hopeful that it will give us a better understanding of each others values. My pastor calls me "the prayer warrier", so please know you and your W will continue to be in my prayers. Keep us posted on the progression of your counseling. I have a feeling there will be a happy ending to your story. You are heading in the right direction.
Jan