I am at my wits end right now. I love my wife but her constant jealousy is devouring that love quickly. She had a very bad previous marriage with an unfaithful and abusive husband. I feel like I am paying for all his faults. I am very faithful and have never even considered straying. I don't ogle women and make sure especially in her company that I don't even look at women, but it is never enough. If an attractive women even walks in front of me or I turn and there happens to be one there I am immediately accused of lusting after her or continously staring, which I am not. My wife likes to watch a lot of this new reality television, which typically has a lot of scantilly dresses people. She throws a fit if I don't turn my head away from the television while a woman is in her bathingsuit. I have never oohed and aahed over women before and wouldn't think of doing it, but I feel like a 5 year when I have to turn my head, so that she doesn't go into a rage. There are multiple other situations which are to numerous to list. We went to premarrital counsiling before marriage and when this stuff was brought up it was me attacking her. I know this is just one side and I admit I'm not perfect but I also know the difference between a bad husband and myself. I don't know what to do, I think constantly about life without her now. On one hand it really scares me and I would miss the good times, which we have had, although I don't think a day has gone by when her jealousy has not come out. But on the other hand I would feel like I am in a cage. Free...

I try to put myself in her shoes, but each time she accuses me of lusting after other women I loose something... love, and I hate it. She is very beautiful and extremely intelligent, which is why her jealousy makes no sense. I understand where it from in people, I've done extensive research, but it seems to be more powerful than me. Any ideas...

Dear Alex,

What have you tried? What does your research show?

My wife goes through stages. I like to watch errotic vidos with my wife in foreplay. Someties my wife is OK with it, sometimes she is a prude.

Many women posting here express ideas of jealousy or prudishness. It makes me thankful for what I have, which is at least inconsistent.

Have you read the Negotiations MB Articles? Have you tried to sit down with her, maybe out to lunch or dinner, and discuss ways you can make her feel more trusting toward you?

"What can I do to help you to feel more trusting of me?"

Would she like you to get a tatoo someplace, "Devoted to My Wife _______"

What about a wider wedding band? Chastity belt, and give her the key?

I try to leave my wife messages of what I am doing, so she can feel that she can trust me.

Is your wife generally afraid? Have you looked into strategies to alleviate her fears?

Bes wishes,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

If her jealousy issue is not aggressively addressed it will destroy your marriage. This is a problem that should have been thoroughly dealt with PRIOR to M. She is in fact projecting her poor self-image and lack of confidence on you. In her warped way of thinking that makes you the perpetrator and she is the victim.

Please consider approaching her this way:

1. Insist she accept accountability for her CHOICE to act this way. Make it clear you are the victim and she is the one with the issue, and it is destroying your relationship. Share with her the pain this has caused you and stress the long-term implications if she refuses to change.

2. Insist she immediately enter counseling, and make it clear she is to be totally open and honest in confronting this problem. Don't allow her to blameshift, excuse her behavior, or put forth the "victim" image.

3. Do all within your power (it sounds like you are doing the best you can already) to reassure her of your love and support. However, that love and support means applying "tough love" to the situation with the goal of resolution, not compromise.

Brother, I know what is is to have a jealous spouse. It feels like you are walking on eggshells. It gets tiring to hear the constant comparing of herself to other women and the belittling of herself along with that.

You will likely be accused of manipulating, controlling, and domineering if you decide to be proactive. Be willing to bite that bullet because you know your motivation is correct. It's the same principle of dealing with one in addiction or other destructive behaviors. She suffers from a deep spiritual and emotional problem. Your love and devotion can help in her being healed, but she has to recognize her problem.

God bless you and I'm praying for you.

Thank you. I will post a good reply shortly. Thank you both for your input. Yes, the problem is very deep rooted. I am so glad to here from someone that understands.

Hi alx1970,


I understand what you are going thru...not because my partner is jealous...I'm talking about myself. I was the jealous one. I too was in a very bad previous marriage... I posted on this site 6 years ago when I was having my issues then... My ex-H was unfaithful and abusive and that left me in a condition where I had to seek therapy and did that for a little over 3 years. Most of the therapy was to deal with my anger behind the affair, but there was just so much more that I had to do to rebuild my spirit. At first when all that happened...My ego was bruised. I felt at that time that my H thought I was #1. So how could this happen? I was in shock. After all we had been married over 5 years. Had a nice church wedding, had happy times in the cuple of years that follwed and when he did that we had a year old son with a daughter on the way...and just like that, he destroyed our family with one act. It was too devastating for me. Our lives were never the same after that.

Almost 6 years later and several failed relationships I am finally engaged to a wonderful man. But I have behaved poorly. He has made some sacrifices for me...like relocating and changing his career. He is in the police academy and will graduate in December. I have accused him of fraternizing too much with the female recruits and accused him of all kinds of things. Although I know that there is no time for him to do any of this...I just cant bear the thought of it even happening. I just domt want to revisit that time in my life back then I was confident of how strong I thought my relationship was...I was fooled and made a fool of. I guess this is my fear again.

My fiance has gone to great lengths to reaasure me of his love. Telling me everyday that he loves me. He even has pictures of me in his notebook he takes to school. He has spoken about me and our relationship to the other officers including the female ones and constantly tries to put in a call every now and then just to say he was thinking of me. Sounds great right? Well its hard for that to to register to someone who is feeling insecure sometimes...it wasnt him...its me. I didnt blow a fuse if he looked at other woman..but I did get upset and then an argument will happen later on. Only because I dont like arguing in public.

I really shouldnt have felt this way. I am 35 and look great after 2 kids and I am very attractive. But I dont feel that way alot of times because of my behavior...I know it brings out the worst in me.

My fiance has cried and pleaded with me. He didnt know what else to do to show me that he wouldnt hurt me...I felt that the negative behavior I've imposed on him was done to see if he could be pushed to that level.

So far he is still with me and I am working on trying to trust and feel more secure. It eases my mind knowing how much he loves me and it also eases my mind when I hear his friends tell me how much he loves having me in his life. One day his golf partner surprised me and told me that my fiance said that I saved him...Well I feel that he is saving me too...from myself. It is destructive behavior that needs to change or it may get worse. I love him and dont plan on losing him.

Being that you havent given her any reason to mistrust you, you should sit down with her and let her know that her bahavior is causing a wedge between you. Let her know you love her and her only and that she need not worry. As long as you can show and tell her that your love is hers...she may change.

Good Luck.

Q

This posted twice sorry.

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: Querida ]</small>

Q - I admire you for seeing your issue and dealing with it. However, I would caution you to NOT MARRY until you have this thing resolved. Your spouse cannot be expected to put up with this behavior and maintain a happy house. Trust me, this problem leads to other areas of hurt if not properly resolved. God bless!

I'm not sure what to do. I believe some of it is my fault for letting it go this long and not putting my foot down. We have talked and argued about it. She hates the fact she is this way but does not think she will ever change. I have cried and told her I don't know what she wants from me, her answer is that I don't make her feel loved and if I showed her she would trust me more. I have worked on this and worked on this. I will get to a point where I think she is beginning to understand my love for her then WHAM, a huge jealousy issue arises and I find it harder and harder to show her those feelings of love again. I used to love to watch movies, now I get very tense and agitated during movies for fear of a sensual scene and following fight. She even got upset for fear that I was getting turned on reading a book that said two people were having sex. I find that I am having to not tell her the whole truth about a stupid book! It was science fiction! I am very tired of fighting. Yes, I should made sure the issues were worked out before we got married (twenty twenty) (I know that my own esteem problems stopped me from following through). We avoid certain friends of hers now because she says they get on her nerves, but I know it has everything to do with the fact that she doesn't want me to be near them. She has told me and we have argued over it that she will never trust anyone completely, because that is stupid. This is my second marriage too. My first wife cheated on me with a supposed good friend, at the time. I don't suffer from this type of jealousy, I understand that if she didn't cheat on me she would have with somebody else. At this point I really don't have any close friends anymore, if I wanted to do something with someone she would want to be there, because she wouldn't trust me alone with another friend. I may talk to him about his girlfreind or wife or I might see another woman and because my friend may talk to them I would cheat on her or come home thinking about this other woman!? My ex may have cheated on me, but at least I had the freedom to play a round of golf on my own.
I have read through the site of Marriage Builders before and tried to apply some of it, but I think this goes past that.
I feel guilty and sad for facing this, but I don't want to keep taking the blame for stuff for the rest of my life. I am also afraid for her being alone, although I know she would find someone quickly. There is another issue, she has a daughter from her previous marriage that I have become very attached and I don't want to hurt her. I know I talk like it is over, I just don't know if she will change. I feel like it is her way of being in complete control. I feel like a wimp talking like this, but emotions are very hard to deal with and she is very strong willed. I would really like to keep this going, this is some of the best advice and feeling of comfort I've had. Hurting Promise Keeper are you a member of the Promise Keepers?

I'm not sure what to do. I believe some of it is my fault for letting it go this long and not putting my foot down. We have talked and argued about it. She hates the fact she is this way but does not think she will ever change. I have cried and told her I don't know what she wants from me, her answer is that I don't make her feel loved and if I showed her she would trust me more. I have worked on this and worked on this. I will get to a point where I think she is beginning to understand my love for her then WHAM, a huge jealousy issue arises and I find it harder and harder to show her those feelings of love again. I used to love to watch movies, now I get very tense and agitated during movies for fear of a sensual scene and following fight. She even got upset for fear that I was getting turned on reading a book that said two people were having sex. I find that I am having to not tell her the whole truth about a stupid book! It was science fiction! I am very tired of fighting. Yes, I should made sure the issues were worked out before we got married (twenty twenty) (I know that my own esteem problems stopped me from following through). We avoid certain friends of hers now because she says they get on her nerves, but I know it has everything to do with the fact that she doesn't want me to be near them. She has told me and we have argued over it that she will never trust anyone completely, because that is stupid. This is my second marriage too. My first wife cheated on me with a supposed good friend, at the time. I don't suffer from this type of jealousy, I understand that if she didn't cheat on me she would have with somebody else. At this point I really don't have any close friends anymore, if I wanted to do something with someone she would want to be there, because she wouldn't trust me alone with another friend. I may talk to him about his girlfreind or wife or I might see another woman and because my friend may talk to them I would cheat on her or come home thinking about this other woman!? My ex may have cheated on me, but at least I had the freedom to play a round of golf on my own.
I have read through the site of Marriage Builders before and tried to apply some of it, but I think this goes past that.
I feel guilty and sad for facing this, but I don't want to keep taking the blame for stuff for the rest of my life. I am also afraid for her being alone, although I know she would find someone quickly. There is another issue, she has a daughter from her previous marriage that I have become very attached and I don't want to hurt her. I know I talk like it is over, I just don't know if she will change. I feel like it is her way of being in complete control. I feel like a wimp talking like this, but emotions are very hard to deal with and she is very strong willed. I would really like to keep this going, this is some of the best advice and feeling of comfort I've had. Hurting Promise Keeper are you a member of the Promise Keepers?

I'm not sure what to do. I believe some of it is my fault for letting it go this long and not putting my foot down. We have talked and argued about it. She hates the fact she is this way but does not think she will ever change. I have cried and told her I don't know what she wants from me, her answer is that I don't make her feel loved and if I showed her she would trust me more. I have worked on this and worked on this. I will get to a point where I think she is beginning to understand my love for her then WHAM, a huge jealousy issue arises and I find it harder and harder to show her those feelings of love again. I used to love to watch movies, now I get very tense and agitated during movies for fear of a sensual scene and following fight. She even got upset for fear that I was getting turned on reading a book that said two people were having sex. I find that I am having to not tell her the whole truth about a stupid book! It was science fiction! I am very tired of fighting. Yes, I should made sure the issues were worked out before we got married (twenty twenty) (I know that my own esteem problems stopped me from following through). We avoid certain friends of hers now because she says they get on her nerves, but I know it has everything to do with the fact that she doesn't want me to be near them. She has told me and we have argued over it that she will never trust anyone completely, because that is stupid. This is my second marriage too. My first wife cheated on me with a supposed good friend, at the time. I don't suffer from this type of jealousy, I understand that if she didn't cheat on me she would have with somebody else. At this point I really don't have any close friends anymore, if I wanted to do something with someone she would want to be there, because she wouldn't trust me alone with another friend. I may talk to him about his girlfreind or wife or I might see another woman and because my friend may talk to them I would cheat on her or come home thinking about this other woman!? My ex may have cheated on me, but at least I had the freedom to play a round of golf on my own.
I have read through the site of Marriage Builders before and tried to apply some of it, but I think this goes past that.
I feel guilty and sad for facing this, but I don't want to keep taking the blame for stuff for the rest of my life. I am also afraid for her being alone, although I know she would find someone quickly. There is another issue, she has a daughter from her previous marriage that I have become very attached and I don't want to hurt her. I know I talk like it is over, I just don't know if she will change. I feel like it is her way of being in complete control. I feel like a wimp talking like this, but emotions are very hard to deal with and she is very strong willed. I would really like to keep this going, this is some of the best advice and feeling of comfort I've had. Hurting Promise Keeper are you a member of the Promise Keepers?

Q. I am with promise keeeper, please try to resolve your jealousy issues before marriage. It is like a dark cloud that never goes away. No matter what you're doing it is always there lingering and festering. You don't want your future groom to start you marriage off harboring any sort of resentment towards you. It will only get worse. Sorry to sound so doom and gloom. It sounds like you two deserve a wonderful life together.

alx1970,

The things yoyu are saying sounds exactly like my fiance...down to the spare time to play some golf... I know its my fault and that he tries. I am working on it and ....No we wont be marrying until I feel better about myself and us. I promised myself that if I ever did it again it would be for forever. My kids love him and he has a 15 year old daughter of his own as well and I have tried to have a good relationship with her also. She lives in another state but because her mother is in the military she has been staioned in iraq since feb of this year and will not have her back until june of next year so she has been living with us.

So its been a very overwhelming year for me...cause not only did He move in but so did his daughter. We have adjusted well...and the fights we have had have been more about me and the way i have handled certain things.

alx1970, I admit that I tried to control alot of things in our relationship. I was also verbally abusive. I knew how to spin things around and make him feel guilty about things that were my fault! There were so many things that I should have apologized for and I didnt because I was angry. Was this fair? No... I was wrong and I can admit that now and I am doing my best. To change my attitude and the way I look at him and myself. He is nothing like my ex-H.

I have to say that the book/video thing is a little extreme.. I dont get angry over that. But I have to say that I do love him so...this is why he is wrth being a better person for.

Please talk to your wife or show her this post. cause if she keeps it up your relationship will be destroyed and then she will have no one to blame but herself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Q

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: Querida ]</small>

Thanks. I will talk to her. Its weird, I feel like I've been conditioned to feel like everything is my fault.

I don't think she will go to counseling. Excuses being: She doesn't have enough time, insurance won't cover it (costs to much), I need to change, she is afraid (which I believe to be the real reason) etc...

Yes, I have been a Promise Keeper for several years. The program has changed my life. They have a great website and I recommend you check it out. God bless!

Dear Alex,

You say your wife is afraid. Have you identifeid any of he fears?

You say your wife will not accept counseling. Couseling is largely asking pertinent questions in a logical sequence so that the person receiving counseling can see a clearer path. Have you looked at books of counseling qustions? I use the Grade Charts, 0-4, from Scientology, $80.00 apiece, 4 volumes. I review the Grade Charts to find questions to ask to help my wife see through her problems. My wife refuses to participate in counseling. I bring the counseling to her.

Do you know the steps to raise the level of attitudes of your wife, or any people, up from fear? Have you ever heard of the Scientology Tone Scale? You focus you communication 0.5 steps above hers. In goes Anger, Teasing, Boredom, contentment, cheerfulness and enthusiasm. Are you able to project each attitude? With whom did you practice? Who has tested your skills?

Best Wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years, still struggling

Yes, counseling is pretty pricey. I was lucky back then to have been allowed to stay on my ex-H insurance which covered it. Afterward when I had issues in a different relationship I used some books that my therapist reccomended. You may want to check it out.

The book is called getting the love you want. by Harville Hendrix, PH.D. He also has a couples companion workbook which is a yearlong excercise and meditations.

I hope that it works out for you. I dont like to see my honey cry. when he does I feel terrible. I realize that I am terrible and he doesnt deserve that and neither do you.

Take Care, Q

Querida, have you felt any changes within yourself? Do you feel like you defeating your jealousy issues and if so what has had the most significant impact? My wife has suggested marriage counseling at our new church. I still don't know if this will address the jealousy issue well enough, but maybe it's a start. It seems to be almost hardwired into her system. I really want her to overcome it, because it has got to be very hard on her too. Trying to understand both sides.

Dear Alex,

If your wife suggests marriage counseling, and you would like your wife to improve in a particular area, sometimes there can be an exchange of efforts worked out, "I will try to improve in this area and you try to improve in this other area of interest to me."

My rules for marriage counseling, are that I avoid directly criticizing my wife about anything. I may bring up a topic, by "Honey, would this be a good time to discuss my feelings about watching television together?" I give my wife the option of brining up the topic, and teh timing of discussing the subject. It signals to the counselor that there is something more to discuss, that he is missing.

I will unload on the counselor if I feel he or she is mistaken about something. "You may feel that I should bring up what is bothering me, but I am going to respect my wife's ideas of when to bring up what issues."

Some counselors like to give direct instructions. Some instructions are OK, and some I reject. I recommend that you have some phrses to politely twl the couselor, "Well that sounds like a good idea, but I am not feeling quite ready for that. Let me give that some though, and we can discuss it more next week."

Trying new approaches can help to change old habits.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, still struggling

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 09:42 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Thanks Quipper, that is definately good advice on using a counselor. Hopefully if we go some of these issues will be worked on.

Is it wrong for me to want to go out with a friend or friends without her. I'm not talking about bar hopping or anything like that, just watching a football at someone elses house, playing golf or fishing. If I were to even go to a sports bar there would be hell to pay (she doesn't want us to drink unless we are with each other, I mean just having a beer). She's gone out of town to entertain clients of her company by taking them out and has had wine to drink, but that doesn't count for some reason?! Heck she's said she couldn't handle me having a job where I have to travel, but its ok for her and I'm ok with it. I TRUST HER. She even made the stupid statement that her mistrust and jealousy shows how much she cares for me. OMG!

I have wondered if some people mistrust because they are things they themselves do and expect that their signicant other will do the same.

I know that jealousy is all about a persons self image. It has nothing to do with anyone else. But if you continously attack because of your jealousy no matter how much understanding you receive, it will wear down until it's to late. Strange, it's all about the fear of losing and all it does is cause them to lose everyone they supposedly care about.

Hurting Promise Keeper also mentioned a wife constantly belittling and comparing herself to other women is something that goes with jealousy. This is very hard to deal with and is just as destructive. I am constantly trying to compliment her but it is either to late, falls on deaf ears or I am lying (I know it is her low self esteem). I hate being called a liar, but am growing used to it, which is bad.

I know I keep bringing up more and more stuff, but I have had zero outlet besides our arguments and it feels good to let it out.

I am going to look at the Promise Keepers website.