My wife and I just had a big fight over the weekend over the littlest thing: the way I was folding napkins.

I was the one who blew up at her for correcting me, as it was the third thing in the first two hours of the day that she'd pointed out -- the first being the fact that I broke a dish ("You weren't paying attention!"), the second being the fact that I didn't notice she'd left the water trickling from the faucet for 15 minutes less than 5 feet away from me.

Let me point out that yes, I *am* a klutz. I guess the matter up for debate is whether that's a behavior or an ingrained trait. Whatever it is, it's a flaw that my wife has responded to by scrutinizing whatever I do, or taking over any duty requiring physical work (including driving, sometimes). As a result, I feel marginalized, useless, and incompetent.

So, it really disheartens me when I voluntarily try to help her out (like by folding the napkins), and she corrects me in a snide way ("Could you please try to fold like you know what you're doing?").

For those wondering, my wife is NOT some sort of neat freak. In fact, I clean up after her on an almost daily basis and never mention it or berate her for it (She hates it when her mother offers unsolicited advice to her, a fact which I perhaps unwisely brought up during our fight). During our brief fight, I was *close* to mentioning how I clean up after her, and that she's not perfect herself. I stopped myself from doing that, however.

We haven't spoken in a day -- my wife is surely angry at me for having blown up at her ("Do you take some sick pleasure in watching me screw up?").

I don't know what to do. In fact, I do not even know who owes whom an apology...

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: Crow543 ]</small>

An addendum to my post:

I admit that the morning of our argument, I was perhaps in a rush. My wife and baby girl were still asleep, and I was eager to take advantage of the all-too-rare Sunday free time I had to maybe get on the computer or perhaps play a game. So, my attention *may* have been divided, causing me to break a dish or rather blankly fold the napkins. Needless to say, my wife and baby woke up before I got to do anything leisurely.

After we got into the argument, I was about to leave and go for a drive. Instead, I took the baby in my arms, and played with her for the entire day in the basement while my wife did her own thing.

From reading what you wrote, either your wife has a controlling/critical nature, or she just woke up on the wrong side of the bed!

If my dh broke a dish, I'd prbly laugh w/ him about it, or not say anything at all. A dish is a dish, gee you can even get them for 99cents if you want! What does she say when you tell her you feel belittled when she corrects you. I WOULD TRY GENTLY/LOVINGLY telling her that you feel you are being mothered when she does this. I usually Avoid correcting my dh b/c I HATE to sound like a nag. If it's that time of the month, I may not be apt to hold my tongue, but I usually shut it after his body language is evident that I'm getting on his nerves. Maybe you can discuss cues together, and use that as a means or a sign to "back off" for now!

Take inventory of yourself and see where you can use improvement. IF this is te biggest problem in your marriage, consider yourself BLESSED <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In the grand scheme of things, I suppose there are worse problems I could be having. However, it's difficult to come home every day and feel like I serve no purpose except to bring home the bacon (my wife works full time too, so I'm not tht only money-maker).

"Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?" are the exact words I yelled at her, as a matter of fact.

The argument began like this: She made the comment about the way I was folding the napkins. I sighed heavily, and gave her a look like "Are you kidding me?!?!" After all, I was trying to help her out. Her response was: "Don't give me that look." I then proceeded to unleash a tirade on her for a couple of minutes bringing up everything from her distaste of her own mother's controlling nature to her own hypocritical way of dealing with me. I don't suppose she took too kindly to that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Her response was muted. Now that I think about it, I don't think she said anything at all! That may have been what set me off even more -- her lack of a response to the suggestion that her comments hurt me.

I can see a sort of self-propagating thing going on: I screw up, my wife criticizes me. I lose more faith in my own skills, screw up again, and my wife criticizes me more. I give up responsibility for certain chores, my wife chides me for not helping out. I help out, screw up, and we're back at square one. It's a vicious cycle, really.

I guess I just wish my wife would let me know which things are my responsibility, and let me do them without her intervention, however badly I might do them. It would entail that she wouldn't huff and puff about not my helping her with something which is her responsibility.

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: Crow543 ]</small>

Well i'm guessing she knows this is a problem even if she hasn't admitted it. We are always aware of our own shortcomings, whether we admit them publicly or not! Are you guys christian? I don't want to give christian advice if your not!

Maybe you can come to her humbly and gracefuly, not placing the blame on her, and she may receive you better. IT may cause her to humble herself and make a change. When my hubby apologizes to me, that in turn makes me want to apologize. Of course this does not mean you were in the wrong, but it can open the door to her better understanding you, and you better understanding her! We live what we learn. She is exactly like her mom b/c she learned how to react to situations.My mom was a yeller, and I always said I would NEVER yell at my kids,but sadly saying and doing are 2 diff things. I have come a long way and have gotten better, but I'm still a work in progress <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your wife is prbly already beating herself up inwardly, and you reminding her of her hypocrisy might actually add fuel to fire.

I'm wondering whether my trying to help her out may have been a problem as well. Perhaps she didn't need my help, and I was just getting in the way.

Since the baby was born, I've felt guilty about doing anything alone for my own enjoyment, like what I was trying to do that morning. With my wife folding the napkins and the baby occupied, I had nothing to do for a few moments. Instead of firing up the XBOX, however, I decided to help my wife. And I got criticized for it! So, I don't know if my wife was on my case for being in her way, for not helping out sooner, or for just "doing it wrong."

The only semi-good thing that came out of the whole row was that I took it upon myself to take the baby for the entire day, which *never* happens. And I enjoyed it. Sure, I didn't get the free time I had wanted, but I had many hours of alone time with the baby, and my wife got time to do chores uninterrupted.

The only way to know is to ask her! Although I've never met a woman that didn't like dh's help even if he didn't do it right. The ones I've seen that didn't want help from dh were on shows like dr phil LOL!

Since both of you are working- both of you should EQUALLY share the household chores. If she were a SAHM it would be totally diff. It always (in MOST cases) seems to be where the majority of it falls on the wife,which I Don't think is fair if both are working outside the home equal amt of hrs! If you are seeing it as "helping" her, your perspective is all wrong. Kinda like a man saying he has to "babysit" his kids lol!

Well, 36 hours after our row, I finally talked to my wife after work today, and IT DID NOT GO WELL AT ALL.

I came up to her, asking her to talk. "I have nothing to say to you," was her reply.

I decided to apologize anyway, for blowing up at her and accusing her of scrutinizing me. I laid it all out as gently as possible, that I had been feeling marginalized, incompetent, useless, and that I had reacted harshly to her comment. Whether she wanted to accept or respond to the apology was up to her.

No luck. It seems that in the last 36 hours she has decided that this is a conflict that cannot be solved. I apparently struck a nerve by telling her that she was hurting me with her criticism. In a way, she feels I am attacking her by telling her she criticizes me too much (!). I was not expecting that response at all. I'm stunned that she is ready to just walk away from it this way. Did I really wound her that bad?

I can only conclude 2 things:

1. She has heard my suggestion that she is too critical, and taken that as a blow to her self-esteem. ("Then why did you marry me if I'm a hateful critical *****?" -- her words) She's accepted that she did something hurtful, but there's nothing she can do about it because that just the way she is.

OR

2. She disagrees with my suggestion that she's too critical, and thinks that I do not know her at all. ("Why did I marry him?" -- my supposition). In other words, I perceive her wrong, and therefore I am to blame for interpreting her comments as snide and hurtful.

I feel further removed from her tonight than ever, and I am surprised that this argument has degenerated into this. Now my wife is telling me that I do not know her (we've been together 10 years, married for 3), and that I made the wrong decision by marrying her! I'm too sensitive, in her eyes...

I really hope that this is just her defenses working overtime, because it guts me to think that she has so little confidence in herself to become more considerate of my feelings that she can just write this relationship off.

I submit that the blowup/argument is just a symptom of a deeper issue.

Have you been through the Basic Concepts section (up at the top), and perhaps reviewed some of the sections of the Q&A?

I doubt your wife has written off the relationship permanently, but she is very hurt. She may be hurt by both what was said, and she may be hurt that she is being compared to the one person she doesn't want to be (her mother)...

And as you yourself said, you feel marginalized (translation: hurt) by her "taking over", and so on and so forth.

The blowup is just more likely because you both had reached your individual limits. And that's OK, as long as now that you realize it, you can bring about change.

But it takes time. You cannot force your wife to change, you can only change yourself. I would encourage you to review basic concepts. Review the stuff on AO, DJ's, LB'ers, and so on.

Establish POJA on things like housework and such.

Remember that her way is not necessarily the "only" way, or even the right way. It oculd even be argued that if you're folding the napkins, and she doesn't like it, then she's welcome to fold them herself anyway she sees fit. And if she doesnt' mind doing that extra work, then go crazy. It could also be said that out of respect for your wife, since perhaps you don't care how they're folded, and your wife does, that you make the extra effort to fold them the way she does, out of a desire to please her.

You and your wife need to reach a level of communication skill (and the necessary self-esteem and dignity) so that you can talk about things that bother both of you in a way that isn't threatening or demeaning to the other party.

Lots of material on this site for helping you reach that state.

Ooops, sorry that didn't go well! Did your apology go something like this....... "Honey,I'm sorry "BUT"?

It would be silly for her to throw in the towel over a heated argument.....unless there's something else your not telling us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for the advice, everyone...

Her main response was, in a huffed tone, "Fine, then I will never criticize you again. You will never hear anything again from me." This has been her abrupt response to the other times we've had this similar argument.

I told her that, yet again, she was missing the point, that it wasn't the criticism itself, but the tone of the criticism.

This angered her even more, I guess because she feels that she wasn't being snide or backhanded at all, and that I was basically saying that she is *always* snide and backhanded.

I agree with the previous poster's suggestion that there are esteem issues going on. My low self-esteem makes me very sensitive to criticism. I suppose my wife has some esteem issues as well, but it would be harmful to try to make her aware of this.

I admit that this whole thing was caused by my responding out of anger. Even though my points, may have been correct, I invalidated my argument by being harsh.

I'm not sure now whether I should approach her again, or wait it out for who knows how long.

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 09:59 AM: Message edited by: Crow543 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Crow543:
<strong> Thanks for the advice, everyone...

Her main response was, in a huffed tone, "Fine, then I will never criticize you again. You will never hear anything again from me." This has been her abrupt response to the other times we've had this similar argument.

</strong>

Well, obviously, she doesn't truly mean it, since you just get criticized the next time.

But it is interesting to note that one way you could read that statement is that "the only things I can say to you are critical. If I can't be critical, I have nothing to say".

<strong>
I told her that, yet again, she was missing the point, that it wasn't the criticism itself, but the tone of the criticism.

This angered her even more, I guess because she feels that she wasn't being snide or backhanded at all, and that I was basically saying that she is *always* snide and backhanded.
</strong>

A sure fire way to put up walls is to tell the other party you know what they meant, or know what they said.

I submit that it isn't even the tone, it really is the criticism. Does that mean that one party can never criticize the other? Well, yes and no. Unasked-for criticism does nothing to build the relationship, and only tears it down. WHen a person is criticized (and this is speaking of personal relationships, not business/employer type stuff), it diminishes the criticizee. It says that they are stupid or clueless or ignorant. It says that the criticizer knows more and some how has a "right" to be disrespectful.

Criticism is also one of those death by a thousand cuts things. An individual comment taken by itself may not be harmful. But repeated cuts, eventually, the party bleeds to death, or blows up and stops the person doing the cutting, usually in a way that is harmful (Angry outburst).


<strong>
I agree with the previous poster's suggestion that there are esteem issues going on. My low self-esteem makes me very sensitive to criticism. I suppose my wife has some esteem issues as well, but it would be harmful to try to make her aware of this.
</strong>

If you're constantly criticized, it almost by definition implies low self-esteem. How can somebody be a confident dignified person if another party is swinging the axe at them constantly. (And of course, it works both ways, criticizing the criticizer doesn't accomplish anything either).

<strong>
I admit that this whole thing was caused by my responding out of anger. Even though my points, may have been correct, I invalidated my argument by being harsh.

I'm not sure now whether I should approach her again, or wait it out for who knows how long. </strong>

I think you need to take the EN questionnaire. For yourself, and perhaps later, with your wife. You need to find the things that you treasure most, so that you as a person are built up. YOu need to find the things that your wife needs so that you can meet her needs.

I can say this, when EN's are being met on the part of both parties, a whole bunch of other issues will just disappear. They will just drop off the radar. Mountains become molehills become flat plains.

Make sure you review the basic concepts stuff on this site. There is really good information there. Really good. It will help. Really.
LB's, DJ's, AO's, etc. The love bank. Etc etc.

As to how long you wait? I would get the EN questionnaire and start right now. If your wife asks you what you're doing, tell her that you realize that there are some deeper issues in the relationship, and that you wanted to take some positive steps to heal. If the timing is right, you can suggest that perhaps it's something that the two of you can do together. But I wouldn't wait. Call now, operators are standing by.


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jaye Mathisen:
<strong> I think you need to take the EN questionnaire. For yourself, and perhaps later, with your wife. </strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jaye, I took your advice, and printed out two copies of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire that day. My wife still was unwilling to make eye contact with me, but I approached her by reflecting and admitting to the points she had argued to me earlier.

I told her that now was a good time to get back in touch with each other's emotional needs, because obviously we had gotten too used to only talking to each other in depth when things were going bad.

She nodded tentatively, which was a good sign. I told her I would be filling out the EN questionnaire that evening, and that she could as well whenever she had the time. I think that that effort alone eased some of the hurt between us, as she is no longer ignoring me (though we're not laughing or smiling yet). Two days later, we're back in our calm, normal daily routine -- but I will bring up the questionnaire again soon so that we do not forget that we haven't yet resolved anything.

I agree.

I would keep the "we" statements to a minimum, with the exception of "we" in the most positive light.

Because to somebody who is hurting, a "we" sounds like a "you".

So "I would like to work on myself, and heal the parts of teh relationship that belong to me, and part of that is finding out what's important to you".

And don't ask for the same in return, because that's pressure that may breed resentment...

I think you're off to a good start. Review basic concepts, and look to see how you can apply them going forward.

This one is easy. Your wife is clearly wrong for constantly criticizing you. It doesn't matter if you're a clutz or you were in a hurry one morning. If she wants to stay married she should stop nagging.

Marriage is not about changing your partner, it is about bringing them up, by telling them nice things, "thanks for helping," "glad you volunteered to help," "you do a great job with folding those napkins that way," etc.

She could probably use some counseling to help get over this. Perhaps she has this control thing where everything has to be done perfectly, or "her way". Marriages are not happy if one person nags.

I know...I used to be that way too. But I stopped. I didn't realize I was doing it or doing it that often. But with the help of my wife (now ex), she calmly pointed out each time I nagged her or brought her down.

An update, and it's not really a good one...

It's been two weeks since our initial argument, and as usual, the issue fell by the wayside as life's chores got in the way. Two weeks ago, I brought up the Emotional Needs questionnaire, and how I'd filled it out, but unfortunately we never got around to going over it (yes, that was a BIG mistake -- shame on me).

Well, today I told her I would make us dinner (a too rare event) after I finished with my work in my home office. When I got done, I saw that all the ingredients for my dinner were already laid out in the kitchen, and before I could get started, she said "Will you be making dinner? Okay..." (In other words, "You are making dinner tonight.") I'd already established that I was making dinner -- there was no need for her to be like that.

So, this nice gesture I had volunteered for suddenly felt like it was something she was making me do! I don't cook often, but I know how to do basic things, so I got annoyed when she told me I was stirring the chicken too fast. I may or may not have given her a "look," and she got really mad at me for that.

I could see that we were going back to EXACTLY where we were 2 weeks ago!

I tried talking to her, telling her that we should have fixed this two weeks ago, but she would not listen. In fact, she got increasingly angry, saying that I was over analyzing things, when "All I did was tell you you were stirring the chicken too fast."

Grand Rapids, MI, thanks for the vote of confidence. Part of what has made this argument so hard is that I don't know whether she's right, and I should be more receptive to her offers to fix things, or if she's wrong -- that she should stop nagging me. The problem now is that she knows she nags too much, and she's mad at ME for trying to change her tendency to nag! It hurts her because she thinks she cannot change this facet of her personality. Can you see a pattern here?

You may be wondering why we didn't go over the questionnaire. Well, to be honest, I guess I was afraid to see her reactions to my answers. I must get over it, and pronto.

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: Crow543 ]</small>

You need to read the Q&A material on LB's and such.

I suggest that the next time your wife criticizes you, you just stop what you're doing, say "I am not going to listen to this unwarranted criticism", and leave. Go to a different room, take a drive, take a walk, whatever. But remove yourself from the situation.

There can be no fight if two don't participate.

You don't have to explain yourself, you don't have to justify it, you don't have to "if-only" to her, nothing. Just remove yourself from the situation. (and of course, assuming you did nothign to provoke it).

If she criticizes some other part, then stop doing it. If she doesn't like how you do it, she's welcome to do it herself.

Until the abuse stops, and you and your wife can talk, in a mutually respectful way, very little progress can/will be made.

It may get worse before it gets better, critical people have a difficult time changing.

On your part, you need to make sure you're not participating in any of the dysfunction. NO LB's, no AO's, no DJ's, no nothing. Your behavior will be top-drawer.

Remember, you can't make your W change. So get thatthought out of your head. YOu can change yourself, and look to your wife to join you in a relationship built on a good foundation.

I do not recall you mentioning if you read BC or the Q&A. You need to. The EN ? by itself will not solve anything, the behaviors at the root have to stop as well.

I would not bring up the EN to your W until the two of you have worked out this verbal issue.

I suggest that the next time your wife criticizes you, you just stop what you're doing, say "I am not going to listen to this unwarranted criticism", and leave. Go to a different room, take a drive, take a walk, whatever. But remove yourself from the situation.


I hear conflicting things about this approach. Some people have told me to never walk away. If you go back to my original post, you will see that I almost did just that, leave the house and go for a drive. I stopped myself at the last minute, not wanting to leave the situation like that. I didn't want to feel like I was giving up.

With this latest argument, the slightest look of "Please don't bug me while I'm cooking" I gave my wife prompted HER to get up and go upstairs, saying, "Don't talk to me for the rest of the day." Was I wrong for following her and trying to talk to her? I really was amazed that she reacted that way.

Is just stopping and walking away the best course of action? Won't that lead to the problem just not getting addressed?

If I do walk away, should I be the one who tries to open up a conversation, or should I wait for her to apologize?

BTW, right now, we are still not talking. We just went to a birthday party for my sister and said not a word to each other. To me, it's a serious as serious can be, yet I think my wife feels that I am responsible for blowing this out of proportion.

On your part, you need to make sure you're not participating in any of the dysfunction. NO LB's, no AO's, no DJ's, no nothing. Your behavior will be top-drawer.

Part of the reason our first argument two weeks ago went so out of control was that I responded to her nagging/criticism with an Angry Outburst. Which then led to a Disrespectful Judgment. You could say that she was criticizing me for an Annoying Behavior (folding the napkins differently -- is that a behavior?), but I think that would be unfair.

Sometimes I feel she is annoyed just because I do things differently from the way she was raised to do things. What she fails to realize is that often, the outcome is the same whether she does it her way or mine. It's just a different way of doing things, and it's part of what make us unique. From the way I cook, to the way I wrap gifts, even to the way I put a paper towel roll in its holder, I get the standard "Do you know what you're doing?" from her.

The genuine annoying behaviors -- picking up after myself, shutting things off when I'm not using them -- are things I have worked on, and you know what? She hasn't noticed the change. But if, by chance, I make one mistake, she's all over me immediately, and I can only shrug out a "sorry." It really makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Crow543 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Crow543:
<strong> I suggest that the next time your wife criticizes you, you just stop what you're doing, say "I am not going to listen to this unwarranted criticism", and leave. Go to a different room, take a drive, take a walk, whatever. But remove yourself from the situation.


I hear conflicting things about this approach. Some people have told me to never walk away. If you go back to my original post, you will see that I almost did just that, leave the house and go for a drive. I stopped myself at the last minute, not wanting to leave the situation like that. I didn't want to feel like I was giving up.

</strong>

Almost is not the same as doing. If you continue to allow the abusive behavior (regardless of your own contribution, which should be a non-issue), then the pattern is never broken.

I do believe that you will not find very many people on this site telling you to stay in a situation that is abusive. And if you read the Q&A material and Dr. H's comments, you will see that abusive behavior cannot be tolerated.

If you want to break the cycle, you have to do that. You have to break the cycle. You have to change the patterns of communication, and the habitual behavior that is keeping you from seeing progress.

I would submit that the current technique appears to be bearing no fruit, I would encourage you to look to people who have been in similar situations and employed other techniques with success. (My own life in particular, but others as well).

Realize that when you are walking away, you are doing your W a favor as much as yourself. Because you are stopping her from speaking in a way that she should regret, and later have guilt or anger or bitterness or resentment over.

Walking away protects *both* of you. It keeps from pouring salt on an open wound, it allows both of you time to clear your heads, and re-approach the situation. It prevents more hurt from being heaped on the relationship.

Do not view walking away as "caving", or "giving-in". And if it bothers you somehow because you're a man, and you should not "give-in", get that kind of thinking out of your head. This is not machismo, this is about a relationship.

Be aware that it will not be easy. The first set of times, there may be a very strong reaction. And in fact, you should be prepared for same.

I would encourage you to get the Patricia Evans book, "The verbally abusive relationship, how to recognize and respond". It is *life-changing* material.

It will go over this exact set of circumstances in much more detail, and equip you to deal with it in a fair, respectul manner, that does nothing to encourage the behavior in the spouse, while still leaving you with your self-respect and dignity.


<strong>
With this latest argument, the slightest look of "Please don't bug me while I'm cooking" I gave my wife prompted HER to get up and go upstairs, saying, "Don't talk to me for the rest of the day." Was I wrong for following her and trying to talk to her? I really was amazed that she reacted that way.
</strong>

Well, let's see. There's already a lot of tension, hurts, and wounds. You're going to share an experience together, and then you ever-so-subtly, say "don't bug me". She gets offended, and reacts, possibly overreacts.

Neither of you are in the right. You've stabbed her with the emotional sword ("Don't bug me"), she defends herself and removed herself from the hurt, and thenyou follow, as if somehow it's going to help, or that the pain can just be forgotten instantly.

Neither of you have the Love Bank deposits to make this siutation work out the way you think it should.

How your wife feels is how she feels. BHeing "amazed", is a DJ, because it implies that you feel she shouldn't feel how she feels. I submit that she's reacting out of bigger wounds an dhurts, that taken as an isolated circumstance, perhaps an overreaction, but in the context of the pain in the entire relationship, perfectly within reason.


<strong>
Is just stopping and walking away the best course of action? Won't that lead to the problem just not getting addressed?
</strong>

Problems are not going to get addressed when both parties (or even one of them), are closed off, wounded, hurting, and protecting themselves. Your wife perhaps protects herself by withdrawal, and AO's.

No good dialog that resolves anything will ever come from this state.


<strong>
If I do walk away, should I be the one who tries to open up a conversation, or should I wait for her to apologize?
</strong>

It isn't a scoreboard, where the person wronged waits. YOur wife wrongs you? OK, that's *her* issue, not yours. You keep working on avoiding all teh LB's. You keep making deposits in her love bank. Unappreciated as they may be at the time. But you keep doing it, because that shows *your* commitment.

And after a period of time, where a clear *new* pattern of behavior is established, then you say "I feel some distance between us in our relationship, and I would like to figure out a way for us to rekindle the fire". Perhaps through MC. When you talk to your wife, keep the subjects neutral. If you talk about your relationship, keep it on "I feel". Stay awy from practically any sentence with a you in it. (Evans will give you help in doing this).

<strong>
yet I think my wife feels that I am responsible for blowing this out of proportion.
</strong>

Again, she feels is how she feels. How you feel is how you feel. It's not for either of you to judge the other's feelings.

I can tell you this, as you heal your relationship, and achieve true intimacy, you will find that things that used to be mountaints will become molehills will become little tiny flecks that will just disappear.

<strong>
Part of the reason our first argument two weeks ago went so out of control was that I responded to her nagging/criticism with an Angry Outburst. Which then led to a Disrespectful Judgment.
</strong>

So explain to me again how staying helped. I suspect it didn't. And it's not going to in the heat of the moment.

<strong>
You could say that she was criticizing me for an Annoying Behavior (folding the napkins differently -- is that a behavior?), but I think that would be unfair.
</strong>

I suspect that this is more just a symptom of the problems between you, and not really the crux of the issue.

It's quite possible there is nothing you could've been doing that would've been OK. If not the napkins, then something else.

But blowing up at her *regardless* of her provocation does not serve your purpose. It just is another withdrawal from her lovebank, and it perpetuates the problem.


<strong>
Sometimes I feel she is annoyed just because I do things differently from the way she was raised to do things. What she fails to realize is that often, the outcome is the same whether she does it her way or mine. It's just a different way of doing things, and it's part of what make us unique. From the way I cook, to the way I wrap gifts, even to the way I put a paper towel roll in its holder, I get the standard "Do you know what you're doing?" from her.
</strong>

These are all respect issues. And can be dealt with. But I suspect change will be difficult until this communication cycle is broken.

Humans are creatures of habit. We're habitual in how we talk, how we do a lot of things. Change is not easy. And there has to be the desire to change. If your W doesn't feel connected to you, then she has very little incentive to change. And if you bring it up, you're just going to breed more anger or bitterness.

<strong>
The genuine annoying behaviors -- picking up after myself, shutting things off when I'm not using them -- are things I have worked on, and you know what? She hasn't noticed the change. But if, by chance, I make one mistake, she's all over me immediately, and I can only shrug out a "sorry." It really makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells. </strong>

You are, but you don't need to be. YOu don't have to apologize for making a mistake, you're just feeding the monster. You leave a light on? Big deal. Accept responsibility, but you don't have to apologize. She is not in some position of authority over you, (nor you over her), where you must beg forgiveness. Your house is yours and hers. You and her need to reach POJA over these issue, but in the state you're both in, it isn't going to happen.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was just re-reading the Q&A section last night. There are *lots* of good articles in there that I think if you read, you will see many parallels, and can take these principles, and apply them.

I would reiterate getting the Evans book. It is very good. People are afraid to talk about verbal abuse.

Do not give up hope. You can turn your portion of the relationship around. And in meeting your W's needs, you encourage her to do the reverse.

If you're going to talk about a relatinship issue, I would encourage you to do several things. Keep it short, keep it light, and be prepared for calm respectful responses to issues she might bring up.

When you're in a state of conflict, there are no cures in marathon sessions.

And I would stress that you need to do your part w/o expectation of return. Commit yourself 100% to fixing your areas of responsiblity. Clear you mind of but she shoulda/coulda/woulda's, and work entirely on making deposits, and changing your thought patterns.

It can be done. I did it, others have.