I am sure you have seen my name elsewhere.<p>Ok, please all you good ladies out there.<p>I amdoing my best to please my wife who has had an affair, as you all know, with a man who is much better endowed in the sexual equiment than me.<p>I have tried everything to please her and put things right, wined, dined, loved, cleand, vacuumed, but still get treated like dirt - where am I going wrong.<p>I have been told:<p>"There's other ways of tantalising and satisfying a woman"<p>Help me out here.........<p>[ December 05, 2001: Message edited by: kevan ]</p>

Hi, Kevan. I just posted to you in the DD forum.<P>Let me say one thing to you and you've probably heard it before . . . SIZE DOESN'T MATTER. What really matters is how well you use what God gave you.<P>You're doing everything right as far as being romantic, etc. As far as the lovemaking goes . . . use your imagination! <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Susie7753:<BR><B>Hi, Kevan. I just posted to you in the DD forum.<P>Let me say one thing to you and you've probably heard it before . . . SIZE DOESN'T MATTER. What really matters is how well you use what God gave you.<P>You're doing everything right as far as being romantic, etc. As far as the lovemaking goes . . . use your imagination! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Suzie,<P>Imagination - boy I have been trying many many things, believe me (ok lets not get too graphical now [nod, nod, wink, wink, ...... say no more]), but it is a bit difficult when your partner finds every excuse to be distant...<P>Would some of you good ladies be willing to share some of the exciting things you have experienced - you know, us men are really dumb a lot of the time and do need guidance and pushing.................<P><BR>

OK, Kevan - and I'm probably barking up the wrong tree considering your W's attitude of late - how about ASKING her what she'd like? In this area, it's very important to communicate! <P>Another thing that may be hindering your sex life right now (I doubt very much that it has anything to do with YOU) is the fact that your W is still very much in withdrawal. I can tell you that sex was very difficult for me during that time. I know it's hard to understand, but I'm being honest with you.<P>Give it a little time, try everything, and ASK!!!

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Susie7753:<BR><B>OK, Kevan - and I'm probably barking up the wrong tree considering your W's attitude of late - how about ASKING her what she'd like? In this area, it's very important to communicate<P>Give it a little time, try everything, and ASK!!! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey, believe me I have tried so many things - ask, boy have I asked, in every way I think I could - what answer do I Get??? "You should know by now, I shouldnt have to coach you!!!" or "Oh, cant you give it a break" or "I need some time after what has happened, cant you see?"<P>See - see what, all I see is someone who wants her "Space" and time away from home.....<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hanora:<BR><B><BR>What I can't go buy is someone who listens to me, laughs with me, looks at me, holds my hand, rubs my back, holds me when I cry, lets me know that he will be there whatever may come.<P>Size may matter, but it's way down on the list cause it is so replaceable.<P>Apologies to those I may have offended.<P>Take care<P>[This message has been edited by hanora (edited April 05, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"What I can't go buy is someone who listens to me,"...trying harder every day..<P>"laughs with me,"...always<P>"looks at me,"..... Whenever I get the opportunity, but then get told, stop looking at me all the time, stop starinmg at me like that<P>"holds my hand," ....after dinner every night, whenever we go out shopping together, and the first one to offer a hug, but get told "Stop smothering me"<P>"rubs my back, " every morning when I take her coffee and wake her up on my way to work, nearly every night, how about foot-tickling too, does that count<P>"holds me when I cry, " ... I am always the first one there to offer comfort and a hug, but get nothing in return<P>"lets me know that he will be there whatever may come."...how about, no matter what has happened and no matter what will happen in the future, I will always love you<P><BR>Also a bit hard to face, whether it may be the truth or not, but have always been sensitive about size, have always been told "Dont be stupid, thats more than enough for me", but then ends up in bed wiht someone a lot bigger, then when asked, maybe we can get some bigger toys or extenders, says "Yes, maybe, could be fun"..................<P>Sorry gals, I do believe a lot of what you say but it is hard to face...

Kevan, you have to realize that she didn't know what size OM's equipment was before she went to bed with him, so don't feel that she went looking for someone who was better endowed. It just happened that way.<P>Your W obviously has a lot of issues, but I don't think she had the A to find someone who was bigger. Please try to understand that.<P>As your W is still in withdrawal (and still possibly having contact with OM), it will be hard for her to feel close to you. It's unfortunate, but it's just one more thing to deal with in the aftermath of an A.<BR>

After reading the 'Give and Take' book, I would guess that you need to stop trying for a while. In withdrawal, your wife doesn't even want you to fulfil her emotional needs. Concentrate on identifying and eliminating lovebusters first. And read the book, I wish I hadn't found it too late to save my marriage.<P>'Trying everything' could be a real LB if she's not ready. When I'm feeling turned on and ready for sex, I'll try anything, but if I'm not in the mood, all this suggesting and asking would just come over as pestering. I would abandon all idea of sex for now, I don't think you are helping yourself here!<P>Tackle emotional needs (not just sexual fulfilment) when she comes out of withdrawal.<P>Good luck!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dido:<BR><B><BR>Tackle emotional needs (not just sexual fulfilment) when she comes out of withdrawal.<P>Good luck!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks, guys keep up the good advice, I am sure a lot of it will sink into my predominantly male egotistics way of thinking.<P>I think the worst thing about an affair is the person that gets hurt is the one thatends up having to do the most work to restore the marriage.<P>

Hi, Kevan.<P>I've been reading your messages and thought I'd reply in the hopes I can help. I have been through the pain of my spouse cheating on me, and I know how devestating it can be. It really knocks the ol' ego for a loop, and I'm sure it's especially so for a man. I think that's where a lot of your worry about size comes from. Frankly, I don't think size is an issue at all here, except that it's obviously a worry for you. <P>Let me put it this way: How do YOU know the OM is well-endowed? Because she told you, right? Maybe in answer to a question on your part? Is it possible that, sensing your self-doubt, she couldn't resist a chance to strike out at an issue that's a vulnerable one for you?<P>That does not make her a bad person. In fact, to me she sounds like a very angry person. Somehow, some of her needs weren't being met (and I don't mean sexual needs), whether those needs seem logical to you or not. I don't think not living closer to her relatives is the only issue for her, either. That's just a hunch, but it does seem like a solid relationship that ran into that one snag, however significant, wouldn't be causing two people such misery--and let's face it, she's pretty miserable, too.<P>You sound like you're pretty angry, as well, which is completely understandable! Some people describe the pain of getting cheated on as "a shot to the heart." That sounds about right to me. It's natural that you'd be angry, not just about the affair, and what you see as flaunting her relationship to the OM, but about her continued distance from you, and what seems on the surface to be her cold ingratitude for your efforts to truly get her back. (Again, I'm pretty sure anger is her real emotion here.)<P>I'm getting long-winded. Sorry! Let me wrap this up with a few suggestions. First, give her a little space. Tell her you both need a little time to heal. Then gather your willpower and be pleasant but a bit more distant. You need time to heal, too. During the "time out", do some nice things for yourself. Spend time with friends, people who you know appreciate you.<P>Then ask her if she'd be willing to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Don't beg. Just ask. Tell her it would help you to understand her needs better. I have a hunch you don't understand her needs, probably because she's never made them clear to you. (The size thing doesn't count, as I can guarantee you that's not the need that brought on the affair.) You should fill out the Questionnaire yourself. I'm betting one of your needs is for respect (It's called admiration on the Q., but it's the same deal.) because you don't seem to be getting much of taht from her right now.<P>When I was recovering from my husband's affair, I read a book written for psychologists that advised that the victim spouse should take some responsibility for the affair so that both parties are on an equal footing and can therefore forgive each other. What nonsense! We're each responsible for our actions. After all, did YOU run around with other women after you discovered the affair? However, I think it's a good idea to try to understand what she was looking for in having the affair and to look at how you can provide what she needs emotionally. I don't believe any affair is "just physical"; there's always an important emotional component.<P>Hope this helps. Good luck and God bless.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by belle:<BR><B>Hi, Kevan.<P>Let me put it this way: How do YOU know the OM is well-endowed? Because she told you, right? Maybe in answer to a question on your part? Is it possible that, sensing your self-doubt, she couldn't resist a chance to strike out at an issue that's a vulnerable one for you?<P>That does not make her a bad person. In fact, to me she sounds like a very angry person. Somehow, some of her needs weren't being met ........................<P>You sound like you're pretty angry, as well, which is completely understandable! Some people describe the pain of getting cheated on as "a shot to the heart." That sounds about right to me........... <P><BR>First, give her a little space.... <P>Then ask her if she'd be willing to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Don't beg. Just ask. <P>You should fill out the Questionnaire yourself. I'm betting one of your needs is for respect............. <P>When I was recovering from my husband's affair, I read a book written for psychologists that advised that the victim spouse should take some responsibility for the affair so that both parties are on an equal footing and can therefore forgive each other. What nonsense! We're each responsible for our actions. After all, did YOU run around with other women after you discovered the affair? However, I think it's a good idea to try to understand what she was looking for in having the affair and to look at how you can provide what she needs emotionally. I don't believe any affair is "just physical"; there's always an important emotional component.<P>Hope this helps. Good luck and God bless.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Belle,<P>Yep, believe it or not we have been through a lot of posting on this subject<BR>have a look at:<BR>This topic is located at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002006.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002006.html</A> <BR>(My wife had an affair - I still want her )<P>That is, if you havent already.<BR>Well-endowed - he is 6 feet 4, has got hands like hams, a big frame, and yes, by my wife's admittance (by the way she is only 5 feet ZERO inches and weighs in at around 120 pounds) - this is one of the questions I asked her a few days after she was exposed, it may sound a bit crude - but yes, I asked her if he was big (she was actually in tears at the time too), she replied yes, I asked if if it hurt her, she replied no (this is something I have been sensitive about for many many years with my wife and have asked her often about it and she has always replied that I was big enough and that she could never manage anyone bigger anyhow - yeah right - bet she was surprised too hey....) I have even had a hint now and again from her over the last few years that maybe it would be interesting if I was a bit bigger, but has never come out and said, hey, you're too small. And of course how do you think I feel when I know I am smaller than average (around 5 inches), as I do also have a slight build myself. (6 feet and only 138 pounds - yes your classic skinny, but have been like that all my life no matter how much I exercise and eat).<BR>Sorry this does sound crude, but I am being totally honest and open with something that has bothered me for a while, especially too when I got a comment from her a while ago that I should think of getting more exercise as it feels like I am not as big as I used to be...<BR>I am being open and honest here where I am sure a lot of men feel the same way as I do but are too embarassed to actually talk about it...<BR>One of these man-things hey..<P>Yes, I do realize that some of her needs were not being met possibly - but I have asked her more than once to read the articles on "Emotional Needs" and "Love Busters", even printed them out for her and put them in a binder - they sat on the backseat of the car for two weeks - she didnt want to know anything about them and just does not want to discuss it now...<BR>Yes, I have tried, without begging... but just get stonewalled.<P><BR>Yes, to be respected would help tremendously...<P><BR>No, no affair is just physical - usually more emotional, I understand that - then I get physically and emotionally stonewalled?<P>Confusing to say the least when you are trying your hardest and a t the same time to mainatin respect with your children.

Hi Kevan<P>I read a few of your posts, and I wanted to drop you a note to hopefully be of some encouragement.<P>I see a repeating theme in your letters. I can tell that you are very self conscious about the size of your gear. <P>Are you trying to get over this affair. If you are, reminding yourself that buddy had a bigger [censored] than you is not going to help.<P>For your wife to suggest that it would be better if you were bigger is cruel. She obviously knows that this is an issue for you.<P>You seem to have drawn a correlation between size and ability. I don't believe this to be the case necessarily.<P>Ask 100 women if penis size is need #1 for them, and 100 will likely say no. I bet it doesn't place in the top 10.<BR>You are making more of this than there is. You need to get to square one with your wife, so that you can put the OM behind you. <P>She is still with you, you must be doing something right.<P>Later

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Slapnuts:<BR><B>Hi Kevan<BR>You need to get to square one with your wife, so that you can put the OM behind you. <P>She is still with you, you must be doing something right.<P>Later</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, we are still together, and she is still as cold as ever, no matter what I do and try. We had one h*** of a humdinger this weekend - I told her I have had enough - she said its because of the "guilt" she is feeling for doing it, and that she is not worthy of us - this is either a cop-out to justify her not wanting me - or a hang-up she now has - that I still want her after all this.<BR>3 months since we have made love - and then I woke her up in the middle of the night - the only chance I ever have - start getting amotous while she is asleep. Absolutely no voluntary love coming from her to date.<BR>well, we will see after this weekends "discussion" which ended in her throwing another temper tantrum, breaking dishes and blaming me for making her cry so that her face is all puffed up to go to work today (she didnt, anyhow, she stayed at home).<BR>I will see how it goes the next few weeks - I will be watching her carefully, very carefully, then if it is still the same, PLAN B will come into action. I cannot go on guessingand wondering forever.<P>Thanks guys for the encouragement.<p>[This message has been edited by kevan (edited June 26, 2001).]

Kevan <P>I sympathize with you being abused in such a emotionally deep cut way<P>I wondered why you took her back when she had been sleeping with someone else<P>How do you know she has not brought you a disease or a future developing disease<P>You were under no obligation to take her back<P>I feel sorry for you and there is nothing wrong with you<P>You are the one who is high on a pedestal in my eyes<P>You were good enough but she threw you away<P>I leave the decision in your hands<P>You deserve better and what if she does it to you again<P>The man she slept with stole from your marriage and helped her withdraw your love units you had saved for her<P>Now you give her your reserve love units or are trying to give her more than you think you used to give her<P>Do not be a victim of this going astray of her please<P>She deserves to have you distant from her<P>I know you love her but have you wondered if she loved you having done that to you<P>When I was getting divorced before I remarried again I did not run to a man to hold me up because I was lonely and in need of emotional nurturing <P>I stayed at home and did babysitting to earn money and support myself<P>You have character and all that you need to be a man so you do not have to try any harder to be better<P>She needs to change or get out and you find a new clean live<P>I will respect your decision<P>Just please both of you go and see the doctor<P>For your health's sake and hers as well as your future<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com<P>Prayer partner and christian counsellor

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CarolBo:<BR><B>Kevan <BR>I will respect your decision<P>Just please both of you go and see the doctor<P>For your health's sake and hers as well as your future<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com<P>Prayer partner and christian counsellor</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hi Carol, thanks for your reply and concern.<P>I have been to the doctor on numerous occasions already in the past few months and have had bloodtest done for various things - from that side I am in the clear, thanks for your advice there.<BR>Thank you also for the support in who I am - it is just not so easy to keep away from a very attractive woman when you are living with her and that you still love very deeply.<BR>She has the problem - I know that - she is living with her guilt - and she is the one that needs the help, but is just too stubborn and hard headed to admit it.<BR>I am watching her now very carefully after our run-in this last weekend, if the response does not improve - then I will play very hard-ball with her.<BR>I am not prepare to give up 22 years of good marriage because of some a**hole who thought he could come in and rip our family apart. I know I have my children behind me too on this.<BR>It has injured not only me, but my son too who was the unfortunate one to discover them kissing and feeling it up in a public park in the center of town.<BR>I will not be moving out - whatever happens - but she may find herself in the situation where she is no longer the holder of a set of house-keys if there are any more "performances" from her.<P>I am going to write this oaf a lovely letter this week - telling him what a delightful mess he has made of our family - my son has all but failed Grade 11 as a result of the trauma he has gone through - even though my wife says he is to blame himself for being so lazy - you cannot call a kid lazy for eanting to move out of home and live with a friends family because he cannot concentrate on his schoolwork and homework at home because of the friction.<BR>He has had to drop one subject, as he was also failing English. First semester he failed Maths outright, and had to take it again this semester. So in actual fact he has dropped two subjects this year in total.<BR>I wont say that it has been the only cause, but has definitely been the major part of his problem this year. Last year he completed Grade 10 with very good resullts.<P>I am now going to write this oaf a letter telling him exactly waht he has done to our family - ruined my sons schooling - ruined our relationship, which I know will still take many years to fully repair, if ever.<P>I can never trust her again in my life like I used to.<P>I will tell him that he has wasted and ruined at least two years of our lives. He calls himself a 'friend' - no ways - friends DO NOT RUIN MARRIAGES - they help people to put them together - but then I can see now, his brains are actually situated within a member of his body situated between his legs - and there is not much substance there either worth talking about.<P>I have suffered tremendously these last 2 years, so has my wife - yes I know she is not innocent - she wanted to get into his pants as early as March last year when I caught her with a bag of lingerie after she had lied to me about going out with a girlfriend, instead she was out with him.<P>This guy is a scumbag, believe me.<P><BR>

OK...the size thing..I'm a Women's Health Nurse Practitioner and look at vaginas all day long...point to ponder...the vagina is a "potential space" which means if there 's nothing in it it sort of deflates..now consider the size of a regular tampax 1/2" in diameter and about 2-3 inches long...stays up there all by itself! Consider the size of an 8 pound baby..gets out all by itself. What most people, women included don't realize is that most of the pleasurable nerve endings are located on the outside (the vulva) and the beginning 1/3 of the vagina...approximately the first 2 ". Most men don't realize that dry hurts, so please lubricate fingers ect before messing around down there. Clitoris is very sensitive..some women can't stand to have it touched directly, but the areas around it are very sensitive should be noticed...alot..and often...again..lubricate...KY, Astroglide, spit..who cares.<BR>This is as graphic as I plan to get.<BR>T

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Twyla:<BR><B><BR>This is as graphic as I plan to get.<BR>T</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, that is really being straight and to the point - thanks for your candidness. Yes, of course I know that a lot of it is psychological and of course today's openness and frankness about sex and size does not really help people that have felt the way I have, I know that.

Kevan..<P>I am new to MB but I do understand. I am a woman who is 6'1" who used to be 165lbs, and is now 240lb. (2back injuries later). I have issues with myself that my H has had to try to deal with. I have not had to deal with an A, but my H has been very dishonest with me. I have told my self that he is this way because of something I did or have become. <P>Thinking that I was the cause of every fight, every problem in my marriage started with this issue. I was so depressed and anxious about myself image, and who I was I was medicatied for a while. I<P>I realized while watching late night TV that I didnt have to feel this way about myself. I bought a program, Midwest center's anxiety and depression. It has taught me (although im not all the way through). that in order to fix what is going on in other aspects of my life ,I have to fix the aspects inside myself.<P>My point being, this anxiety that you feel about your size...are there other things about yourself that u r doubting, because I usually find that there is never one thing. <P>take time to know and like yourself, before u ask your wife to like u again. Like others have said.. take this time to heal yourself because if you feel more confident about yourself, you can be more confident when it comes to your marriage. <P><BR>I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through, i was close to tears just reading about it. I hope u find that you can love yourself the way God intended for you to be because it makes all the difference inthe world!!<P>GOOD LUCK C<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cofwill:<BR><B>Kevan..<P>I hope u find that you can love yourself the way God intended for you to be because it makes all the difference inthe world!!<P>GOOD LUCK C</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you for your concern and wishes, they are really appreciated, and I am sad to hear of your dilemma and I do wish you all the best too.<P>It has been a very hard uphill struggle, especially with a wife that will not talk things out, clams up tight, and whenever I want to talk things out just gets irritable and mad.<P>Yes, I know my confidence has taken a terrible dive thru this all, but was actually suffering from depression for many years beforehand as well, mainly as a result of feeling that I couldnt give my wife everything she wanted.<P>After a very heated discussion this weekend - all i got thrown in my face this morning was "Look what I look like, I look like death, my face is all puffy from crying, I have black rings under my eyes" "Dont you dare do that again to me on a Saturday or Sunday morning and make me so upset"<P>Well, sorry, but things just boil up to a point, that even though she just expects me to ignore and forget everything that has happened and is happening, a person can only take so much of "Oh, please dont start that again, you just want to upset my weekend again"<P>She wont go to counselling, she wont tallk openly to me, only when I approach her - then she reacts in anger.<P>I am still sitting and waiting for her to show me her cellfone account - I didnt mention that to her this weekend, but she is still having it post to her work address, not our home address, after I have told her many times that she is just setting herself up for suspicion.<P>I suppose she is waiting for a "clean" month of calls, without the OM's number showing on the call detail.<P>Everytime I mention it to her, she just gets mad and tells me I am invading her privacy, and that she is not constantly checking up on me.<BR>