<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Noggin:<BR><B>Kevan,<P><BR>For what it's worth Kevan, a burden shared by a friend will seem lighter and easier to bear. My heart hurts for the pain you are in; be strong and know there are many who are with you.<P>Noggin</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks Noggin for your words and concern.<P>Yes, maybe it had taken me a long time to realize what you have said above. It is quite obvious that the lack of respect she now has for me concerning the intimacy of our marriage and the apparrent lack of understanding of what I have stressed needs to be done to restore our marriage i.e. NO CONTACT. This together with the lack of respect she has for our son, in NOT telling him the full truth, in that she has not told OM to never contacct her again, of which my son asked her to do 6 months ago. The lady thus has her own agenda in life, of which I am no longer concerned with and she may go her own way and do as she pleases.<P>Oh, yes she "cares" for me and our children, ensuring we are always fed, cleanly clothed etc. but I do not need a mother I need a wife. I would rather be free of this which will then give me the chance of possibly finding someone else who has a better understanding of what is required between two persons to consummate a successful marriage.<P>Well, she has blamed me many times for wanting to "possess and control" her - is the requirement of wanting to know what your partner is doing in her life after betraying one and living in a world of lies and deceit after the fact, is this "control and possession?<P>Thanks Noggin. I guess sometimes things in life do not always turn out the way one wishes, do they?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by max:<BR><B> However, in my opinion, women like to be given oral sex. If done properly this will arouse a woman to a high level that will enable the woman to have a orgasm during intercourse. I have found that doing this also lowers the woman's inhibitions to enjoy the sexual experience. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yessireebob! Oh yea. Uh huh. Yup. That's the ticket.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by billbailey:<BR><B> Yessireebob! Oh yea. Uh huh. Yup. That's the ticket.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Obviously unanimously agreed to by the men on this site - I wonder how many woman would be in agreement ???<P>My wife seems to find this quite embarassing ?????<BR>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Noggin:
<strong>Kevan,<p>Sorry to hear about your continued trials and tribulations. I must say that I think the step you are now taking is the correct one. There is much to be said for freeing up a spouse who seems to not want to be bound in a loving relationship.
Noggin</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, believe it or not, we are still together - although not very happily. I think the final break is coming very soon. <p>But, before that happens, from a "discussion" with my wife last night I need to say the following: (This is true at least in her eyes):<p>I am writing a letter of apology.<p>I am apologizing to you for every bad word I have said about my wife. I have now realized that it has been my fault all along - everything that has happened - through my own selfishness and insensitivity.
I have always left all the decisions in our life up to her and have taken a back seat. I thought it was to give everyone what they wanted and I ended up just getting lazy and letting her make all the decisions in our lives. Nearly everything in our lives I have left up to her to make the decisions on - even up to where we go over weekends and holidays etc. and what we have bought and what we havent - so I only have myself to blame for what has happened in our marrigae and no-one else.
I am sorry for giving you the wrong idea all along that it was her that had hurt me - I have been hurting her for the last I dont know how many years without fully realizing it even though she has been trying to tell me so all along.
We made an agreement when we came to the country we are now living in at first to stay a year, if we couldnt settle we would go back to our home country. We then extended it for another year because of finances etc. We then decided to stay until we got our citizenship and then go back after that, as she really wants to look after her mom.
I have been insensitive to this and have put the kids interests before her and our marriage. The result being that the kids have got everything at the sacrifice of our marriage.
I am not saying this sarcrasticly at all but being very open and honest about it and admitting that I have done wrong in all of this. We should never have come to this country as it has just caused more problems than anything else.
It has been through my stubbornness and insensitivity and selfishness that things have ended up the way they are and on-one else's fault.
Yes, it has very stupidly taken me all these years to actually realize this and I have no reason to feel hurt by what she has been feeling as I have gone against her wishes. I have only put my feelings first in all of this the last few years.
My apologies for leading everyone down the wrong path and making out that everyone else was at fault and not me.
I have thus got us in this mess and to take the children out of here would now do a lot more damage than if we had gone back to SA after a year, but I was foolishly thinking only of finances and too scared of losing what we have.
I have depended solely on her to run the home and the finances of which she has done an excellent job and just lived in my own selfish world of my career and as a result ended up a nervous mess.
Even though she has supported me through a lot of our problems here and stood by me while I was in a mess, I have just taken advantage of all of it just for my own good and I thought for the children.
I have just expected too much of her and shirked my responsibilities in our marriage. With the result that there has also been insufficient discipline in our home and the children have done what they please, not what we feel they should be doing. I have been too soft on them.
I cannot stop her from going back home - I have hurt her deeply enough that I must not expect her to want to let me try again and put these wrongs right again.<p>Whether or not she has been resistant to stop seeing OM does not seem to count in her eyes, as she feels that everything has come back to this one fact of my insensitivity in our marriage.<p>I guess putting our children foremost in our marriage was not really the best thing to do?

Kevan - I have a word of advice:<p>COUNSELING<p>If not for the two of you, if not for her, then - at least - for you. <p>If nothing else, you are so hurt and angry and confused and distressed that you are probably unable to meet her needs. If you can't take care of yourself, you are of little help to anyone else. <p>Remember all those times you've been in an airplane and they give you the safety spiel? "In the event of an emergency, oxygen masks may descend from the panel above you. Should this happen, please put on your own mask before attempting to help any children traveling with you." <p>You have to be able to breathe before you can help anyone else. You are useless if you're suffocating. <p>And don't spend your time in counseling talking solely about her. You can't fix her. You can only fix you. Call now!!!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong>Kevan - I have a word of advice:<p>COUNSELING<p>If not for the two of you, if not for her, then - at least - for you. <p>And don't spend your time in counseling talking solely about her. You can't fix her. You can only fix you. Call now!!!!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I have been for counselling, I have very good friends and family supporting me through this.<p>I know now who I am and what I am doing - yes, it has taken a while, but through the excellent support and encouragement of a very good friend I an a better person and have gained my confidence.<p>She was as mad as a snake when she found out that I had copied this very same letter above to my sister and her father, who both know about the affair.
She says it is just a big pity-party on my behalf, when it was actually an honest attempt on my behalf to clarify with these people that know (and she is absolutely mad that I ahev told ANYONE about the affair).<p>Then last night I found out, while we were having an argument about this letter and she was throwing things around, that my daughters friends have seen her with OM again recently. They wanted to know what she was doing with another man.
She has now ashamed both my son and my daughter. My son was the first one to discover her on d-day last year.<p>I told her in no uncertain terms last night that it is now over and she must move out.
I have tried my very best to be reasonable with her, to get her to understand the importance on NOT SEEING OM, but she has just ignored my every request, while I have done my best to treat her with kindness and consideration.<p>
I know I am, not perfect, but to be treated like this for 14 months after d-day, my every request ignored, is gtiing too much for any operson to handle.<p>She WILL NOT go to counselling, she will not listen to any advice from me and challenges me at every turn about the affair and her being in contact with OM - keeps on telling me it is oevr, but then I always find out she has been incontact with OM again.<p>The end has come.

Kevin<p>Look here:<p>http://www.growthtrac.com/marriage/romantic.shtml
http://www.growthtrac.com/articles/article_24_0917.shtml<p>Go back to the basics. : )

HIYA PEEPS,
IM NEW AT THIS, IVE BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER A YEAR AND HALF AND WE HAVE LOTS OF ARGUING ALREADY,
WE ARGUE ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING AND WHEN WE ARGUE I ALWAYS GET PHRASES LIKE "I DON'T LOVE YOU NO MORE" OR "I DON'T FANCY YOU NO MORE"<p>I KNOW I HAVENT BEEM A ANGEL BUT WHO IS. I TRY TO TALK TO HER AND SORT THINGS OUT BUT IT NEVER DOES.<p> SHE IS MY FIRST LOVE AND I AM TRYING TO GIVE HER WHAT SHE NEEDS.

AT THE MOMENT SHE WANTS TO HAVE A FLING WITH A FRIEND WE HAVE KNOWN FOR A SHORT WHILE, SHE HAS BEEN HONEST AND TOLD ME. SHE SAYS ITS BECAUSE WE DON'T DO THINGS TOGETHER BUT HOW CAN WE WHEN WE HAVE 2 KIDS NO FRIENDS TO LOOK AFTER THEM IF WE DECIDE TO GO OUT AND PARENTS WHO DON'T WANT TO HELP EITHER. SHES A DOMINANT WOMEN WHO WHEN SHE SAYS JUMP SHE EXPECTS ME TO SAY WHEN CAN I COME DOWN BUT I'M NOT LIKE THAT. I TELL HER BUT SHE DON'T WANT TO CHANGE.<p> I AM A HOUSE HUSBAND AND CLEAN COOK WASH AND LOOK AFTER MY CHILDREN, I GO OUT ONCE A WEEK TO FOOTBALL AND I AM GONE FOR ABOUT 1 - 2 HOURS, SHE MOANS BECAUSE I GO OUT AND SHE DON'T <p>I NEED HELP I NEED ADVICE MY MARRIAGE TO ME SEEMS LIKE IT IS FALLING APART AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO SHE SAYS I HAVE TO CHANGE BUT DONT KNOW HOW TO
PLEASE IF YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME PLEASE HELP ME

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Noggin:
<strong>My Lord Kevan,<p>I can't believe all the sh*t your W is putting you through. I must say that you are a much stronger man than I and I certainly applaud your efforts to keep a family intact which I assume is for the sake of the offspring. However, you should remember that sometimes it is best for the kids if you get a dysfunctional parent out of the house (your W fits into this category). To me she sounds like she is the sole cause of the disharmony in your family and she should shoulder the entire responsibility, not that the weak little bit*h ever will though. Yes, write the scumbag with whom your idiot W is having (had) a sexual tryst a letter and let him know just what a major problem in the morals department he has and that he should please take your psychotic W off your hands. Perhaps they will be a perfect match. I'd give her have a copy of the letter also along with a deadline for her to be out of the house and into the a**hole's arms. She is destroying your son and it is your responsibility to protect him from the damage her lack of values is doing. She does not care for you nor your son's well-being. The sooner you rid yourself of this miscreant the better. BTW, the size of your penis isn't a factor in pleasuring your wife or anyone else for that matter. From what I've read I'm surprised that you could even get it up for the bit*h. Graphically speaking, perhaps it would have been proper for you to have told her to pack some of her well-used pu**y around your penis if she didn't like the slack she felt. Ditch the evil one before she causes any further damage to you and your son.</strong><hr></blockquote>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Noggin:
<strong>My Lord Kevan,<p>I can't believe all the sh*t your W is putting you through. I must say that you are a much stronger man than I and I certainly applaud your efforts to keep a family intact which I assume is for the sake of the offspring. However, you should remember that sometimes it is best for the kids if you get a dysfunctional parent out of the house (your W fits into this category). To me she sounds like she is the sole cause of the disharmony in your family and she should shoulder the entire responsibility, not that the weak little bit*h ever will though. Yes, write the scumbag with whom your idiot W is having (had) a sexual tryst a letter and let him know just what a major problem in the morals department he has and that he should please take your psychotic W off your hands. Perhaps they will be a perfect match. I'd give her have a copy of the letter also along with a deadline for her to be out of the house and into the a**hole's arms. She is destroying your son and it is your responsibility to protect him from the damage her lack of values is doing. She does not care for you nor your son's well-being. The sooner you rid yourself of this miscreant the better. BTW, the size of your penis isn't a factor in pleasuring your wife or anyone else for that matter. From what I've read I'm surprised that you could even get it up for the bit*h. Graphically speaking, perhaps it would have been proper for you to have told her to pack some of her well-used pu**y around your penis if she didn't like the slack she felt. Ditch the evil one before she causes any further damage to you and your son.</strong><hr></blockquote>

Kevan,<p>Let me tell you something. My husband is a very well endowed man, very well endowed!! and I hate it we can't have fun or do things the way I like it because it hurts sooo bad. It really sucks I wished I could cut it off. So if you were to ask me if size matters I would say yes anthing over 5 inches hard is just unbearable and no one should have to go through with that. <p>Anyways if I were you I would try to make her laugh that always works for me when I'm in withdraw. Last time my H flashed two women in the parking lot of the grocery store and that one worked well.<p>If your not that brave try putting on a cape and some thongs, and jumping in front of the t.v.. anyways I hope this helps maybe that will at least pull her back into conflict and you can have a "meaning full" argument so that you and your W can make up.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by kevan:
<strong>I am sure you have seen my name elsewhere.<p>Ok, please all you good ladies out there.<p>I amdoing my best to please my wife who has had an affair, as you all know, with a man who is much better endowed in the sexual equiment than me.<p>I have tried everything to please her and put things right, wined, dined, loved, cleand, vacuumed, but still get treated like dirt - where am I going wrong.<p>All I want to do is love her and her love me again.<p>I have been told:<p>"There's other ways of tantalising and satisfying a woman"<p>Help me out here.........</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi Kevan,<p>Love is what you need, not performance anxiety. I think you need to move on. It's not about sex, trust me. Your W has the problem, not you. If it IS about sex, you need to find yourself another W. There is sooo much more to life than that. Don't believe what she tells you, she is being totally immature! You are fine. SHE has a problem! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Gina34:
<strong><p>Hi Kevan,<p>If it IS about sex, you need to find yourself another W. There is sooo much more to life than that. Don't believe what she tells you, she is being totally immature! You are fine. SHE has a problem! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi Gina,<p>Yes, I know you are right.<p>After 18 months of trying to tell her that I still care for her, even after what has happened and getting nothing back but resistance an dirritability from her because I keep on "checking up on her" I have finally realized it is time to move on.
One person can only try so much.<p>I was out of the country a few weeks ago. When I came home, we had a fight, and then my daughter let it out that her best friend had seen my wife and OM together while I was away.
She has now shamed my son, my daughter and well, yes, me too.
I have told her it is over and maybe if we are lucky we could still remain friends for the sake of our kids.
Can you believe she is so neurotic about her cellphone, that she takes it into the bathroom with her when she goes to shower over weekends, so that I cant fiddle with it and see who she called last?
She says she has not let me see her cellphone accounts "Out of spite" because I check up on her. If that is not resistance about being open and honest in your marriage then I really dont know.
I have become completely distant with her, which is frustrating her even more, but of course not the slightest attempt from her to get close to me - that thus tells me she doesnt really love me anymore, so I am ready to move on. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Kevan, I'm so sorry you're still going thru all this nonsense.<p>You deserve MUCH better, you know....and I have no doubt that you'll find it. You're a very caring and loving person...believe me, there's someone out there who will love and appreciate you.<p>{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I would hate to think of you going through life berating yourself for not toting around the penis of a prize stallion. Not that I enjoy sex in the least, but it is quality, not quantity, that counts. The key to great sex is definitely foreplay.

I can guarantee that men are more concerned about their size than women are. A little note of reassurance - my family doctor says that ALL penises are roughly the same size. Some are mutant beasts, but very few. <p>I used to get worked up about the size of my breasts also - I am the size and shape of an eight year old. There is nothing I can do about it unless I want to drop several grand, so I learned to adjust years ago. I'm sure I will be thankful for the "lack of" when I am seventy and don't have to tuck them in my girdle.<p>Smile and quit beating yourself up. Personally, I think it was rude of your wife to say the OM was bigger than you when she knew how concerned you were about size to begin with. <p>Remember - quality, not quantity!<p>Rollie

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Susie7753:
<strong>Kevan, I'm so sorry you're still going thru all this nonsense.<p>You deserve MUCH better, you know....and I have no doubt that you'll find it. You're a very caring and loving person...believe me, there's someone out there who will love and appreciate you.<p>{{{{{HUGS}}}}}</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thank you Susie, for the encouragement - yes, you are right, it is not the end of the world and there are many fish in the sea, and some very attractive ones too that have compassion and understanding.<p>Living with a superficial person like this who has very little sensitivity to the feelings of those around her, but expecting to be treated with care, kindness and so-called "understanding" has got out of hand.<p>I know that you have been a very special person to many on this counselling board.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Rollie:
<strong>
Smile and quit beating yourself up. Personally, I think it was rude of your wife to say the OM was bigger than you when she knew how concerned you were about size to begin with. <p>Remember - quality, not quantity!<p>Rollie</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thank you Rollie for the encouragement.<p>If it were not for the very special people on this counselling site I would have been totally lost and bewildered. There are some special people here that have seen me through some very difficult times and have assisted me with compassion.<p>I do now realize after many months, just how insensitive my so-called wife has been to our situation and the ongoing battle I have had with this affair.<p>Through the ongong support of MB I have come to realize that I am a better person than what I have been led to believe and that there is more to life than worrying about this small aspect (excuse the pun) and that there are people out there that care and see beyond these silly little things.<p>Things have changed rdastically in out household over the last few weeks after finding out that, after 18 months she is still in contact with OM - she is now no more than a mother to my children as far as I am concerned - sad to say - the woman I once loved has now become despicable in my eyes, and even now, with my resistance, and refusal to molly-coddle her, there stiil has been no intimacy or tenderness from her.
This tells me one thing - she has other interests, or is so selfish that she is still expecting me to be the forthcoming and "loving" one in our relationship.
I actually think that I do not like her anymore.

Kevan,<p>My heart goes out to you, mate. I've been in a similar situation like yours, and I fully appreciate the difficulties of balancing one's desire to begin a "recovery" and the WS's need for space & understanding.<p>Do NOT accept advice from those who will crucify your WS wife, and call you an ANGEL. In your heart you know that this is not true. Good advice, or a good sympathetic ear is so darned hard to find, isn't it?
Two things:
1) Plan A does NOT mean making yourself a doormat
2) Plan A is ONLY recommended under certain conditions...e.g., if she still has contact with OM, or refuses to commit, Plan A is NOT for you. This does not mean that there is no hope. It also does not mean that you need to be "nasty" to her in order to maintain Plan B.<p>The best advice I ever received was in a book called STOP YOUR DIVORCE! If you give me your e-mail adress, I'll send it to you.<p>What you need to do IMMEDIATELY, is give your wife some room, and not pester her AT ALL about what she wants to do as far as marriage to you goes. i.e., try your best to pretend that the A did not happen, and indulge in ordinary, small-talk, and happy talk. BE HAPPY. This will put additional strain on you, and takes a lot of strength to do. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Be the person that you know she wants to be with. Do something FUN with her or the kids. Arrange an outing, and invite her as an option, to join in your fun. Have a good time without her, if she chooses not to go along. Relate stories of how great it was.<p>If she's withdrawn, or depressed, leave her alone and go out with the boys, or the movies, or something. Pretend you're perfectly OK with her being uncommunicative. Tell her you're sorry for being so inconsiderate by pestering her constantly for an answer this way or that, and that you'll stop. KEEP YOUR WORD. Don't overdo the apology. A simple sorry is enough. She'll appreciate it.<p>Share a good joke you've heard at work with her. Organise your week-ends so all your time is occupied. After at least 3 or 4 weeks have passed, ( of the new you), casually ask her out, under some pretense of needing company, or something you KNOW she's interested in. If she says NO, no big deal. Act like you don't care.<p>If she says something, always agree with her, no matter what it costs you. If she accuses you of something, apologise unconditionally, and promise not to again. Get the idea?<p>Adultery is a mess. Divorce is worse. It all sucks. All of us are human and fail.<p>You may lay down your jacket for her to avoid stepping in mud, but the moment you consider laying down yourself, to make her step more cushy, you're in trouble, pal. When you do this, you start resenting her for the sacrifice to your pride & self-respect. This spells DOOM. Pretty soon even if she begs you, you won't want to take the risk of taking her back, since you've belittled yourself so much.<p>Read the book.<p>My e-mail: muzohead@hotmail.com<p>Long story, I know. Think about it.<p>Muzohead<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: muzohead ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by muzohead:
<strong>Kevan,<p>Adultery is a mess. Divorce is worse. It all sucks. All of us are human and fail.<p>You may lay down your jacket for her to avoid stepping in mud, but the moment you consider laying down yourself, to make her step more cushy, you're in trouble, pal. When you do this, you start resenting her for the sacrifice to your pride & self-respect. This spells DOOM. Pretty soon even if she begs you, you won't want to take the risk of taking her back, since you've belittled yourself so much.<p>Read the book.<p>My e-mail: muzohead@hotmail.com<p>Long story, I know. Think about it.<p>Muzohead<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: muzohead ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>So, you are now saying to me that after 18 mohths of trying practically everything in the book, still having to face that she does not see reason why she should get rid of OM completely, I should STILL humble myself and try for another 6 months?<p>Before you answer this - can you please confirm with me that you have read ALL my postings on MB, not just this one - go have a look under Divorcing/Divorced "My wife had an affair - I dont want to lose her" - about the longest thread of them all.<p>If you have done this, then please come back and tell me that you still want to give me the same advice? Yes, I may sound bitter right now but I would like your true view then....

Kevan,<p>I have in fact read your previous posts, most of them, including the LOOOOOOOONG ones. Phew! What stamina and endurance!<p>Look, buddy, I meant it when I said that my situation had been SOOOOO similar to yours, right down to the kinds of exchanges between you & your W, the hurtful disrespect, the anger, .......<p>Point is, I agree with GnomeDePlume, when he offered some constructive criticism on your behaviour, as hurtful as it may be to hear. NOBODY on this board is trying to say that your W has a good case, or that you have to suffer her abuses, or anything bad about you at all! If you are really serious about getting a different result, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT! What do you have to lose? I implore you, let me e-mail the book to you (for starters).<p>Now, as for your comment," do I still have to suffer any more after 18months of ...."...or words to that effect...
..EMPHATIC NO!<p>To clear up a few things...
PLAN A does NOT mean that you allow her to walk all over you, while you smile and "play nice".
PLan B does not entail "trying agin", it means embarking on a different route to achieve the desired result.<p>I've seen too many people on these forums encouraging BS' to PLAN A till they're blue in the face, in the face of scandalous behaviour by WS, including refusal to break contact with OM. This is a NO-NO! The fact that you choose to adopt Plan B, does not mean that you are preparing for divorce, it means that you show clearly that you will not be prepared to accept just anything form your WS W, this prevents her from "having her cake & eating it", and makes her respect you for standing up to her. (you don't have to be nasty, just firm). Reading & re-reading your posts, all I can see is someone who is prepared to compromise his own dignity & self-respect, in the name of "love". Respect yourself, by not allowing her to crush your pride, and she will respect you. The constant "caving in" to her sometimes atrocious behaviour, feeds her disrespect for you. She hates herself for the A, and she demands you display SOME intolerance. How can she cling to and depend on a man she now perceives as a wimp? She has probably replayed in her head what HER reaction would have been had YOU been the WS. Do not let what you have suffered through in the past, and what you have failed at to influence your behaviour in response to her infidelity, as if you excuse it, since you know you fell short of glory not so long ago. She's still THERE, isn't she? Isn't she waiting for the MAN inside you to emerge? She's dying for strength of character and direction, since she has none at the moment.<p>None of what I write here discounts AT ALL what you have been through, and what you have suffered. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that others have suffered similarly, you tend to imagine that your own pain cannot compare to anyone else's. Please listen to what those who have "been there" have to say. Some of what we share with you, we have learnt at cost to ourselves. At least consider it seriously.<p>Let me give you an example:
"I want to fix what I have done wrong, I buyher flowers regularly, send her love-cards often, take her out over the weekends to the pub, restaurants etc. Stay at home and do the ironing and washing over weekends while she spends most of the day at the shops and malls. I wake her up with a cup of coffee every day. I tell her more than once every day that I love and appreciate her, I compliment her regularly on how lovely and attractive she looks, I do not complain when she buys herself new clothes (she averages about 2 clothing articles per week) I turn the bedclothes down for her every night before bedtime and make sure she has something light to drink at bedtime, so she can take her birth-control pills (I have had a vasectomy by the way, but she is on the pill for menstrual regulation problems - guess it makes it handy too when you have had or are having sex with another person). I sleep downstairs on the sofa as my snoring keeps her awake and she is a very light sleeper "
...you posted this.
This could easily have been EXACTLY what I could say about some stage in our M.<p>In fact, most of what you have posted is like a mirror of what my situation was. Just one thing also I picked up while reading:
"When I am happy then she seems ok. As soon as I want to talk to her about us, she gets mad."
...so, why don't you try LISTENING to her, and do what achieves the desired result? Neediness is TERRIBLY UNATTRACTIVE, my friend, I've been there. You can try to justify it any way you like, the snooping, the inqusitiveness, the pressure to commit to the marriage, to dissect what happened.......but it's just plain NEEDINESS. You've ALREADY decided that you WANT her, so just ACCEPT, and ACT like you WANT her, and any unanswered questions you may or may not have, will be answered as the 2 of you begin the intimate process of sharing again.<p>About the OM....
If she's still seeing OM, you should do one or all of the following:
MOVE OUT
START DATING
ACT HAPPY
LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE
ATTRACT HER BY YOUR ACTIONS<p>You may or may not feel good or right about moving out. You decide.<p>About the privacy/bathroom thing:
It's her own shame that forces her to behave this way. She probably thinks that if she is that intimate with OM, then doing it with you as well, is immoral.
Body Hair.
More shame, visible evidence of her guilt.<p>These are HER issues, not yours. Try to UNDERSTAND. She will have to come to terms with this. Why don't you let off some pressure by suggesting a code, or some kind of signaling that will prevent this kind of exposure/interaction? This will be greatly appreciated by her. TELL her you understand that it's awkward, and work around it.<p>You Posted this:
"I told my wife on Sunday night that I love her more than she realises, but cannot take it anymore, she is just breaking my heart and that I am breaking up inside. She seemed a bit taken aback by this. She did actually look like she was feeling sorry."<p>Good result, observe what you did: you just communicated openly & honestly with her.<p>Unfortunately, I do not have enough time on my hands, now, or I could go on forever..<p>Please, post you email, OK?
READ THE BOOK!
Your story could be mine.<p>Muzohead<p>I sense that your W is STILL reaching out to you..she says:
" muzohead@hotmail.commuzohead@hotmail.com