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Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1 |
I have never told anyone about the affair I had until two months ago, I revealed to my husband the whole horrible truth. The affair was with a coworker and lasted about a year (worked with him for two years). It's been over for more than three years now and after pretty consistent questioning from my H, I broke down and revealed what I call my deep dark secret. Things are a constant rollercoaster and somedays I would like to commit suicide while others, I hope and pray that my marriage will last. I feel a little crazy at times, have no appetite, have lost weight, have no motivation for things, and have become more and more obsessed with my husband's activities away from me. His constant statement is that he is screwed because he has two choices ahead of him...to stay with me (the one who has betrayed him and never trust again), or leave and betray his commitment to marriage and our two children. He is very angered at his choices. I've been reading His Needs, Her Needs and I got him the CD version, but he says it's too painful to even get through the first chapter. I love my husband more than anything and want our marriage to last and become stronger. I hate myself everyday because of what I did, and can't even believe I did it! I can't believe I'm writing about this - I've been screaming inside, especially recently, to confide in someone, but we both feel that if we tell others, then it could damage even more. My H contacted and told the OM's x-wife about the affair, and he also contacted the OM - who, by the way, adamently denies the whole thing! The x-wife of the OM calls my H almost everyday and my H has refused to tell her to stop calling. We are currently in counseling, but, my H sees our counselor most of the time, alone. I have seen her alone a couple times and we have seen her together about three or four times. I feel things have gotten much worse over the past few weeks. I've had no contact face to face with the OM since I quit my job 1 yr and 2 months ago and affair was over in late '99/early 2000. I have never called him on the phone, but he called a couple times - once a year ago around my birthday and lastly around Christmas 2002, at which time I told him not to call again. I have since changed my number. Any advice or words of wisdom to share? I feel so lonely, pathetic and ashamed... Thanks
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Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 496
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Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 496 |
Sweetheart, you did the right thing.
What made me want to reply to this post…after going out on the deck and staring off into space for awhile, was because you sound like you could be the OP in my husband’s A. (However, I have had no contact from her husband, so obviously you are not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
I want to tell you what your husband is feeling. You see, my H did not tell me anything but he had an EA, and then kept the PA a secret for years. That was devastating. Your husband is feeling a gamut of emotions that are going to be played out in so many ways.
Let him have all of those emotions. Let him be angry. Let him make those phone calls. Why? Because you have brought something into his life he has to get a grip on. He probably never dreamed that he would have to face all the emotions/questions/challenges he is being faced with now.
Have him read these boards. (Books on “needs” are painful to him now because his own need to get past the initial pain). If he reads the boards he will see, other people react the same way he is reacting. He can see that he is not alone with the rage and bewilderment. Have him look for posts from other husbands that are walking through the hell he is. I wish I had found this site earlier in my struggle…I though I must be crazy to have some of the emotions I had…I felt the whole world had betrayed me. I see now that there are so many shared emotions that BS have. So many stages that we all sound alike.
Holding the secret for so long is just as big a betrayal as the A. You will need to address both those issues separately. Do not justify…it will only make it worse for him. If there were unmet needs on your part that caused you to stray, identify them in your mind and wait until he asks how he can rebuild the marriage. Then it will seem like a positive thing and not that he failed before and gave you reason to have an affair. He’ll see that himself, after he comes out of the tornado of sensations. There is nothing you can say to him that will justify what you did. Only remorse and trying to love him minute by minute will help your marriage now.
Let him ask you questions. Any questions. All questions. Over and over. Let him argue with you. Show remorse a hundred ways. Tell him how many ways you love him. Read as much here as you can so you can see both sides of all the stories. Get an insight into what he is going through. Find out more about yourself, too. You both are going to be different on the other side of this…good to know who you are at this point and what you were then so you can develop into people that are better not bitter.
He will not see how much you have loved him in the past right now. I said the same thing about being “screwed” with the two choices I had to make.
If it can assure you at all. The first thing I forgave my H for was the lie that it had not turned sexual when he admitted the EA. I finally came to recognize that it allowed for him to recommit to our marriage, and I had the last years to see him grow and change as a person. And I was glad that our children had the last years to not live as the product of a broken home. I would have left him immediately after the A because at that time he was a cold selfish man. The last years have been the reason that the current revelation that he had broken his vow of fidelity has not caused me to let go completely. Although at this very time, I am not so sure I ever will love him as I did before. It killed cold the specialness of our marriage. Recovery takes as long as the affair…and the added betrayal of the years of being lied to, add to that. This will be a long process.
If this has helped you at all how you can help him first, I offer it with kindness. I do see the intense pain in your letter that I see in my husband.
Let his heart break, let him be angry, let him deal with it…only then can he be whole. And only a whole person can be forgiving.
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Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 496
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soregretful
It has been awhile and there has not been another post from you. Simply, I am worried. You sounded in a bad place emotionally. I hope my words did not hurt you more...they were about hurtful things that no one wants to deal with. However, from all that I have gained from reading at this site and all I have been lived through lately...I wanted to help with this information. If you have read any of my other posts you will see I am in confrontation with many issues myself!
The wonderful thing about this board is the freedom to be anonymous and the freedom to just be angry. Everyone knows that there are stages that bring on great anger. If it helps you to post your frustrations, that can be such a healing tool.
Let us know where you are?
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