Sweetheart, you did the right thing.
What made me want to reply to this post…after going out on the deck and staring off into space for awhile, was because you sound like you could be the OP in my husband’s A. (However, I have had no contact from her husband, so obviously you are not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
I want to tell you what your husband is feeling. You see, my H did not tell me anything but he had an EA, and then kept the PA a secret for years. That was devastating. Your husband is feeling a gamut of emotions that are going to be played out in so many ways.
Let him have all of those emotions. Let him be angry. Let him make those phone calls. Why? Because you have brought something into his life he has to get a grip on. He probably never dreamed that he would have to face all the emotions/questions/challenges he is being faced with now.
Have him read these boards. (Books on “needs” are painful to him now because his own need to get past the initial pain). If he reads the boards he will see, other people react the same way he is reacting. He can see that he is not alone with the rage and bewilderment. Have him look for posts from other husbands that are walking through the hell he is. I wish I had found this site earlier in my struggle…I though I must be crazy to have some of the emotions I had…I felt the whole world had betrayed me. I see now that there are so many shared emotions that BS have. So many stages that we all sound alike.
Holding the secret for so long is just as big a betrayal as the A. You will need to address both those issues separately. Do not justify…it will only make it worse for him. If there were unmet needs on your part that caused you to stray, identify them in your mind and wait until he asks how he can rebuild the marriage. Then it will seem like a positive thing and not that he failed before and gave you reason to have an affair. He’ll see that himself, after he comes out of the tornado of sensations. There is nothing you can say to him that will justify what you did. Only remorse and trying to love him minute by minute will help your marriage now.
Let him ask you questions. Any questions. All questions. Over and over. Let him argue with you. Show remorse a hundred ways. Tell him how many ways you love him. Read as much here as you can so you can see both sides of all the stories. Get an insight into what he is going through. Find out more about yourself, too. You both are going to be different on the other side of this…good to know who you are at this point and what you were then so you can develop into people that are better not bitter.
He will not see how much you have loved him in the past right now. I said the same thing about being “screwed” with the two choices I had to make.
If it can assure you at all. The first thing I forgave my H for was the lie that it had not turned sexual when he admitted the EA. I finally came to recognize that it allowed for him to recommit to our marriage, and I had the last years to see him grow and change as a person. And I was glad that our children had the last years to not live as the product of a broken home. I would have left him immediately after the A because at that time he was a cold selfish man. The last years have been the reason that the current revelation that he had broken his vow of fidelity has not caused me to let go completely. Although at this very time, I am not so sure I ever will love him as I did before. It killed cold the specialness of our marriage. Recovery takes as long as the affair…and the added betrayal of the years of being lied to, add to that. This will be a long process.
If this has helped you at all how you can help him first, I offer it with kindness. I do see the intense pain in your letter that I see in my husband.
Let his heart break, let him be angry, let him deal with it…only then can he be whole. And only a whole person can be forgiving.
