Dear Concerned,
You have given examples of how you feel your husband is unreasonable. You feel that your son should be permitted to hug you and kiss you. Does your husband allow you to display any affection to your son? Are there limits to his approval? Can you work within the limits of his comfort zone?
Certainly it is important for affection to be expressed. Would a pat on the back work?
For your daughter, perhaps you could list a number of female things you wish to discuss with your daughter, and the important points, and ask him to discuss these issues with your daughter, himself.
Does your husband have a sister or mother or aunt? Have you asked your husband to have a discussion of the issues with him and the female relative? Perhaps you can find some common ground, and find a way to communicate about these things.
My suggestions may not be helpful, but if you post a reply, and get a thread going, readers may have some better ideas.
Another way to say that your husband is controlling, is to say that his comfort zones don't match with your ideals. The challenge in a mariage is for the partners to find ways to express their ideas within the comfort zones of their parner.
In the MB Articles on Negotiating, it is suggested to find a peaceful time, to bring up your list of stifled ideas, and see if progress can be made. You say what your husband prohibits, but you do not mention where and when these negoitations took place, or the sequence of the negoitations.
As the wife, you have many powers and opportunities for compromise. What have you offered to trade off for your desires? What are you withholding from your husband that he desires? What extra things can you do for him, that he would appreciate? What are all the items he has mentioned to you that are on his wish list? What items have you found out about from relataives or friends, that he has not disclosed to you? What items are on many men's wish lists that they do not often disclose to their wives? How can the items on your husband's wish list be woven into the negotiations, so that you can get some of the changes you deisre?
Many people who post here are looking for approbation for their complaints. Certainly I agree that children hugging mothers is good, and that 12 years old may be too late for a girl to realize that there are nerves in her breast that if aroused, may be difficult to stop a freight train, and how the male gets going. But whether many of your readers agree or disagree, it is up to you to find a way to make your marriage work.
Are you planning more children? If you cannot agree on how to raise the three you have, perhaps you should consider what comes next.
You say that you know this is not right. That phrasing is not the language of negotiation. You have legitimate concerns, and your husband has concerns, that are probably motivated by a desire for a righteous or succcessful outcome. If you are rigth, that is a reason to negoitate, but not a staring point. Have you looked at what your husband means by manly? Does he mean sports? Does he mean not being homosexual? Does he men a leader of other men? Does he mean successful with women?
Once you understand better what he wants for his son, you can finds more specific information on how to foster this type of develpment, or avoid another aversive type of development. I don't really understand very definitively what he wants for his son.
Welcome to Marriage Builders
Post a reply again, it takes a longer thread to get anywhere.
Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling
