My fiance's ex-wife had a child before they were divorced by another man. The child has down's syndrome and my fiance was so intent on getting his wife back he assumed responsibility for the child (emotional, physical not financial). So whenever the ex needs a babysitter, he is it. He does this without any consideration for what our plans are, and watches her child far more than he interacts with mine. His ex is verbally abusive and disrespectful of him and our time, yet he still jumps at every chance to help her. I've come to the point where watching her child is no longer an option until she shows that she can respect our life and time, however he refuses to do this. Any suggestions?

Mistchf:

This is definitely causing you pain; which is unfortunate for all and I'm sure it's causing some stress. There is no answer that will make you or future S 100% happy. As in all marriages; compromise and consideration will be the keys.

I am going to assume that FS is a generous man; a trait that was instrumental in your choice to love him. Caring and loving a handicapped child is very noble on his part and can also be very hard on his present family. No doubt about it.

The situation with his X is unfortunate and also common. Having been in a similar situation; let me offer a possible (compromising) solution:

Sit down with FS and lay out a weekly-plan for spending time with this special child. (Agree on a number of days/nights spent at your home, when [weekend or middle of week], number of evenings spent at dinner, park, holidays, etc.) Make it similar to a normal divorce/custody agreement and put it in writing. Present this to X with the agreement to try it for 1-year. After a year, both of you can renegotiate. Don't worry about signing, notarizing, etc. if FS has no legal commitments. (Also; if you miss a day, or take a day extra; it does not affect the following week. Each week starts anew!) Then simply present the agreement to her. She will not be happy and you will see her "dark-side". It will pass. Your FS must stand firm. You and your FS have negotiated and agreed. Now both of you must uphold this agreement. (Which means; if FS is sick, out of town, etc. it is your obligation to spend time with this child!) [COMPROMISE/COMMITMENT]

Your FS must stop allowing X to manipulate. X knows FS buttons and will push them at will. FS must be cognizant of this and you should lovingly help HIM. Do not get in the middle of X and FS. This is not your battle. Let them handle it. Just support FS.

Now for the good news to you; You and your kids should choose to love this child! If you will open your heart to find out; DS kids are the most loving beings on earth. Your love shown will be returned 10-fold! Do not allow the X to influence this. When you're with this child; X does not exist! I assure you that this will prove true! God will ask this child to reach into your chest and grab your heart. All you have to do is allow it!

It will be harder than this sounds; and will need some tweaking here & there; but if you will follow this guideline; you will be rewarded.

Good Luck

Thanks so much for your reply. As far as loving the child, I already do. And she calls me "mama", which tweaks everyone. But she's just a child and doesn't know anything but love. As well she should:)...

As far as making an agreement, that would be great but I've tried. It's the whole problem here, not the child. X calls it a "good parenting relationship" which means whenever I need you for the kids you need to be there. Yet she doesn't have to. There have been times when we have sat and waited for 3 hours at her house because there was a "great sale" going on and she couldn't be there on time with the kids. Yet the very next day, he comes home with her little girl, no questions asked. I would love to find a compromise but I guess it's pretty clear that I'm in this relationship alone and will have to leave since no one else is willing to compromise. In my opinion our relationship consists of he and I and WE should be the ones deciding what we are doing. When I tell him this he just says I'm jealous and selfish. I suppose I believed it for awhile but after visiting this site, I know that what I'm asking for is a healthy relationship. I've tried and tried (as have his friends and family)to help him to recognize this pattern of manipulation by his x but he just says it's my perception.
If nothing else this site has helped me to know that I no longer want to be a part of relationship where his x wife comes first. Thank you and good luck to all!!