Is there ever a situation/time where it is acceptable to live together before marriage? If you are engaged & decide to live together instead of signing a new lease, does that constitute a pre-ruined marriage? Does Dr. Harley discuss this anywhere else besides his articles? Please offer input...

Lovegirl,<p>I thought that living together would give me a good idea as to the suitability of my partner as a husband for me. Instead, I ended up with someone who decieved me because he was not like he portrayed himself to be. Living together will accelerate your feelings and will give you the feel of playing house but it is always in the back of the mind of one or both partners that you can and or will leave at any point in time. If the other partner is fearful of this then it becomes a control issue between the couple.<p>I know of another couple who lived together for 15 years and has two kids but it has not helped cement their relationship yet.<p>If you decide to live together instead of signing a new lease because it is a financial decision it does not constitute a pre-ruined marriage but living together does not help a marriage either. It takes away from the "specialness" of the wedding vows and the wedding day - that there is a difference in the time before and after the wedding.<p>There will also be great times of stress before the marriage which may cause more problems. I would suggest a HUGE amount of counseling before making any decision to or not to live together. It may help with your decision as to whether you should move in together beforehand.<p>I dont know of any other articles or books on living together before marriage but from experience it is not always the best choice.<p>[censored].

lovegirl,<br> Perhaps my opinion on this isn't the most popular one but I believe in living together before marriage. It is the best possible way to get to really know the person you intend to marry. This way you will be less likely to be shocked when you move in after marraige, because by the time your married if you learn that you can't live with them its too late.<br> On the side of finance it will save you a bunch. Besides depending on were you in life it makes it easier to begin gathering things over a long period of time rather than trying to get everything all at once.<br> I do agree with pre-marriage counceling, we were required to do it by our church before marriage and it was an awesome experience. I would recomemd it to anyone. <br> good luck whatever you decide to do, just do what feels most comfortable for you. Your wedding vows will be sacred no matter what anyways...

Lovegirl:<br>I'm torn between "to live or not to live". I lived with a man for 14 moths and becasue of that close proximity, I was able to see somethings that made it CLEAR that he was NOT the man for me. I later met & married a wonderful man. <br>My now husband & i lived together for 2 months prior to the wedding but that was merely because I moved countries & was setting up house. The week prior to the wedding we lived apart and had the most magnificent wedding day & life together thereafter, thus far. <br>I think the level of commitment needs to be in place and, in most circumstances the level of commitment in a "live-in" situation is weak at best. <br>You can't be "almost" pregnant. You either are, or you're not. In a live-in situation you're like you're ALMOST married.. <br>Would love to chat.. joyross@concentric.net

Thank you for the input, but I won't be needing it after all. I found out my boyfriend was going into this sex chat room & I went in there a few hours ago pretending to be someone else & he actually asked me if I wanted to have "late night phone sex" WITHOUT KNOWING IT WAS ME OF COURSE, and gave me his phone #, to which I replied _______, we're through. Immediately the chase to apologize began, but I've found myself laughing at the irony. I can't believe he gave ME his phone #. I am also laughing because I am PRAISING the Lord that I found out now, before I even moved in with him, let alone married him. HE IS RULED OUT.

I think that a living together arrangement can work if you have the commitment. We lived together before we were married, but we knew we were getting married before we ever moved in, it was just a question of when. And it wasn't a pressure thing either, as I was not in a hurry...we just knew we should be together. We were engaged and had a date set within 5 months of living together. So, we were not playing "house". By living with him I learned that we have pretty much the same habits (good and bad), like we both tend to create a massive paper mess...LOL!! We have paper everywhere. Well, it's not quite that bad, but we both have that habit. Neither of us is really a morning person, neither of us care if the toothpaste is squeezed from the bottom, middle, top, whatever; we both pitch in with housework, we enjoy all the same t.v. shows, we take turns having control over the remote (we both channel surf at times), we both talk to each other concerning decisions we need to make that may affect one another in some way, we try our best to be polite-by that I mean we still thank each other when the other does something for us, we have similar conversation styles, which is odd since we're male/female, but we do, basically, I learned and he learned that we live together and get along very well.

Dear Tommywife, <BR>Your post is so sweet to read. Thanks for sharing something nice and sweet with us - it reminds me of my nice & sweet days with my ex-lived-in-boyfriend. We did the same things as you wrote in your post... and I thought living together could be very nice and not really be harmful to marriage IF BOTH OF THEM ARE HAVING A SAME HEART TO BUILD A LOVELY FUTURE TOGETHER. Quarrels are not a matter - you can have quarrels with anyone who is close to you - your mother, your sisters and brother - anyone because we are individuals, having separate brains. But if some basic criteria in a relationship is missing (trust, commitment, sincerity, love...etc), a relationship no matter living together or not living together. <P>My ex boyfriend and I were dating 1 and a half year then moved in together - we lived together just one year. The living is absolutely fine - no argument about our living style at all... very sweet, war, and loving amd affectionate... I left him because I found out his REAL FACE after moving with him - he has numerous sex partners - he finds so many girls on the internets/icq/netmeetings and date them and have sex with them... And he even brought them to our lovely home for sex !!! I left him once before then he bought me an engaged ring to SHOW to love and sincerity in this relationship - however, I found out more - he sent ads to online personals to ask women out... telling his internet women he has NO girlfriend... etc. <BR>So I finally decided to dump him. <P>So for my case, I would say NICE to live before marriage because I find out his face before really marrying him - that would be too late. THanks for sharing.

I am seriously thinking of living with my boyfriend after graduation. My mom is very against it so I am doing a lot of research on the subject. I am very happy to see some happy endings instead of all the statistics that if you live together before marriage you will get a divorce once you get married. We intend to get married, but it will be awhile. We want to live together to help save money and because we know we will be staying with each other a lot anyway and one of us will be paying rent for no reason. My mom is trying so hard to talk us out of it, but I feel so strong about him, and he about me, that I really think we are ready. I believe in us, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. I just want us to live together now, and get married later. I am so happy to find some happy endings. Thank you for this forum. <BR>MC<P>------------------<BR>MC

I would really appreciate any replies or helpful advice to my original post. I really want to know what others think of what I am doing. If it helps, I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 21. We have been dating for 1 and a 1/2 years. We are planning to move in together in May after graduation. We practically live together now. I really need some advice. Thank you for all your help. <BR>MC

Hi mc -<P>I'm in a very similar situation to yours, but have reached a different conclusion and just thought I'd share my thoughts in response to your post. <P>I'm 21, and my boyfriend is 23. We're both seniors in college, graduating in May. We've been together four of the last five years, the time spent apart was all in one chunk - one continuous year apart - and it's been two and a half years since we got back together from that separation.<P>Because we spend a lot of time in each other's apartments, and have throughout college, it really began to seem like a waste of rent for one of us. We considered moving in together for our senior year of school, but decided against it. I'm really glad we did, and am convinced that it's the right decision not to live together before marriage. We do plan to get married, but not for a few more years. <P>I think a big error you really want to avoid making is to realize that living together isn't like a "trial" marriage. It won't - can't - give you an accurate idea of what it would be like to be married to your boyfriend. In marriage, you're morally, financially, and legally bound to your spouse in a way that just isn't present while living together, and you'll undoubtedly act and feel differently in the two different situations. Thus, one is not a good predictor of the other. If you haven't yet read Dr. Harley's Q + A on living together, do so for a thorough consideration of the other side of the coin, so to speak: <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html</A> <P>copy and paste this link into your browser, and it'll take you right there.<P>Keep posting, and let us know what you decide and how it goes! Good luck! <P><BR>

mc,<P>Hello! Living together before marriage is something that really only you can decide! I know that doesn't answer whether or not you should. It isn't a decision to take lightly. I am 24 and have lived with my Fiancee now for almost 3 years. It started with me spending the night over at his house once in awhile and it gradually became more and more often. At the time he was living with his brother who was fine with me staying there--we did ask him about it. My fiancee then started talking about his own place and wanted to know if I would move in with him or not. At the time I wasn't sure but he did find a place and I stayed over quite often-eventually I had more of my stuff there then I did at home!<BR>For myself, I think that living with my fiancee has shown me a lot of his personal traits, habits etc that I wouldn't have known otherwise. Some people say that living together gives you an easy out--that if major problems occur you are less likely to try and work them out together. You can just move out--there isn't the legality of being married. I can see where people would think that but I don't feel that way. To me if the commitment is there--getting married only makes it a legal committment. (I don't mean anything against marriage when I say that. I have seen marriages where basically all that keeps it a marriage is the legal ends of things--they don't have that committment. And I have friends who are not married who have been living together almost 15 years!) My fiancee and I have gone through some really tough times--he started up his own business and that has been at times a total nightmare--both physically, emotionally and financially. I have seen him at total rock bottom which was a very scary time for both of us. I have learned so much about him that I wouldn't know if I hadn't lived with him. Yea, I would have probably learned most of it after we were married-I had a family friend ask me if we would have gotten married sooner if we hadn't moved in together and I honestly don't think that we would have. To be honest I think that it would have probably taken longer. Does living together make your wedding night any less special?? I don't think so..I plan on moving back in with my parents a month before the wedding--mostly at my mom's insistance! But for myself it is also going to make me anticipate our wedding day even more then I already am! I know that you never know everything about your partner--that wouldn't be any fun! But I know that I have learned more about him in the 3 years that we have been living together then if we hadn't! And even after living with him I know that I still want to marry him. We have been able to make it through some rough and times with the committment in our hearts but without having rings on our fingers. We are getting married in Sept of this year and had our first premarital counseling last night. We scored very high on all aspects of it. If you really love him and plan on spending the rest of your life with him then think long and hard over it-it isn't a decision to be taken lightly. The two of you are the only ones who can decide if it is right for you! One thing to remember--you are never going to make everone happy and there are people who are going to disagree with your choices. Remember that it is your life and you live with your actions! Your are the one who needs to be comfortable and happy with your decision! I hope that this novel was of some help to you! Good luck!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Marqo (edited March 03, 2000).]