I've been with my boyfriend now for 5 yrs and 8 months. we are both 20 years old. i go to college at home in westchester, ny. he goes to albany, ny.were in our second year in college. he thinks we should live together first. i want us to get married but we really dont have the money for it if we were.i dont mind living together first. what should i do? i want us to have a life together already cuz i cant stand not being with him. please someone reply!!!!

honestly the most worrisome part of your post was where you said "I can't stand not being with him." It seems that you've been with this man your entire dating life. Not that that's a bad thing,but I would caution against rushing into something as big as marriage so young.

Your post rings with a bit of desperation and that is troublesome as well.

Take your time. Consider your decision thoughtfully and make a decision based on what you think is morally appropriate. Don't move in or marry because you're afraid to be apart.

Good luck!

there's an old saying that goes...

why buy the cow if the milk is free.

There are plenty of men who are happy to shack up. Available sex, maybe the woman will clean up the place for him too, do the shopping...you know. When he's done with you, well, at least he got free maid service for awhile.

Trust me, I married the man I dated in highschool after four years of dating. Not that every relationship will turn out as bad as mine, but getting married OR living together is probably not the best idea. You think you know the person. After all, you've been together four years. You want to take it to the next logical step: marriage. But, if you really want to know if you can make a life with this man, whom I'm sure you love very much, wait till you graduate from college, BOTH OF YOU, before you do make the bigger commitment.

By the way, if you can afford to live together, you can afford to get married. A justice of the peace is not so expensive.

Jazzo...

Please Please Please DO NOT live together before marriage. You are both VERY young with lots of time on your hands! Finish College, get settled in and then get married after that!

Living Together DOOMS relationships! I know! I did it once and I will never do it again.

Wishing you the best!

Bryan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Living Together DOOMS relationships! I know! I did it once and I will never do it again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Bryan (and others opposed to living together before marriage)...two questions:

1) how do you know that it was the act of living together that destroyed your marriage?

2) if a couple lives together with an understanding of the risks/problems attached to cohabitating, can they not adjust their lifestyle to be something that is very healthy for the future marriage as opposed to this fixed doom?

We know a lot more now about the cohabitating "rental agreement" and I believe that a couple can successfully live together IF they are aware of the potential behavioral problems and detrimental habits...and IF they are able to avoid those problems. Also, I should say, IF they are living together for reasons other than just "testing the waters".

IF the couple is successful at that, seems to me they are in a position to have a very successful marriage as they now know a lot more about their compatibility. This would take lots of work and most couples are better off not living together depending on the motivation and committment to the longterm relationship.

Smile

i personally think living together before marriage is a good idea. some people frown about it, but what better way is there to find out what it will be like before you do it? sometimes the boyfriend/girlfriend thing is MUCH different than sharing lives together. if you don't forsee big problems by living together then i would say it's a good idea.

[sarcasm mode on]
Sure, live together first.

After all, if you don't like something about him (or vice-versa),either/both of you are free to leave without having to sever any "real" ties like marriage. Easier to give up than solve the problem.
[sarcasm mode off]

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Smile...

I am not saying that living together first doomed my marriage, adultery did, but it certainly didn't help in my case. Overall, living together before marriage is NOT an effective way to determine compatibility or daily living habits etc. Living together doesn't help the relationship at all. It may seem like it does, but overall statisics show that 75-85% of all marriages in which the couple lives together first fail in the first 3 years.

I am not trying to persuade anyone from living together. I am just stating my opinion.

Just because living together is more socially acceptable today doesn't mean its the right thing to do. I would prefer my kids not live together with their potential spouse.

Chris..

Have you read, "Buyers, Renters and Free-Loaders"?

You would qualify as a renter I think!

Smile..

If you met in early 1999? Why aren't you both married at this point?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Smile..
If you met in early 1999? Why aren't you both married at this point?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Bryan...check out the thread in the EN forum called "2 cohabitate or not 2 cohabitate".
Have a great day!

Smile

Have you read, "Buyers, Renters and Free-Loaders"?

You would qualify as a renter I think!
I edited my response above.

My ? is where do all of these statistics come from?? Is there a little fairy out there who keeps track of which couples are married and which are living together? How can anyone accurately say that 80% of the couples that live together get divorced in the next three years after they marry. Just who decides the numbers?

I know many long term marriages which couples lived together before they got married for different reasons.

I feel that all situations are different and one needs to folow their gut instinct before making any committment .

Jill

Jilly..

Its people that are following their GUT instinct that creates the problems in this situation. You have to do what is right and living together is not the right thing to do in any situation, especially if children are involved!

Smile..

I would love to check out this thread but I cannot find it. Where should I look? Did you answer my question about your relationship? Do you see an engagement in the near future?

Best Wishes!

Bryan

Hi Bryan,
Here's the link to that thread...but be warned that it's grown pretty long. Your comments are appreciated:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=017121

As for an engagement in the near future? You'll have to ask my man that question. When he's ready, we're ready (cuz I'm already there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Have a good night!
Smile

PB,

It is 2003 not 1803. Times have changed and people have changed. Heck even older people are forced to live together instead of getting married because of financial difficulties. Does that make them wrong, sinners? Just because you lived with your ex wife before you got married and your marriage failed doesn't mean that it was because you lived together first. Perhaps it would have failed anyway. As for going with your gut instinct I have learned after many years of living that you can listen to alot of people but its yourself that you should listen to the most.

I guess maybe at one time I believed as you. I was married for alot of years and thought that was the only way. Hey, after 17 years of marriage commitment meant nothing to my exH and if you read all of the stories here it means not alot to alot of people. What is marriage really, legally it is a piece of paper that legally binds you to someone. I do know couples who got married and were legally binded to eachother but what about emotionally? Many have had affairs ect. I also know couples who have lived together for years and are very emotionaly bound together without that piece of paper.

What I am trying to say is you need to be a little more open minded to each individual situation and not group everyone together.

Jill

It is 2003 not 1803.
Ad your point? We should change moral values simply because it's later in human history than it was?
So decadence is more "okay" than it used to be?

Heck even older people are forced to live together instead of getting married because of financial difficulties.
Forced? As in someone holds a gun to their heads and MAKES them live together?

There are two issues about living together.
One is the "moral" issue of right/wrong.

The other is about whether it has any affect on a marraige by the two living together.
The second has been proven in that of couples who live together before marriage, they have a higher divrce rate than those who do not live together prior to marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The second has been proven in that of couples who live together before marriage, they have a higher divrce rate than those who do not live together prior to marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Correct me if I'm wrong, but what this trend says to me is that overall the category of cohabitators shows higher rates of divorce. I don't think that this means that each couple has a higher chance of divorce. I think that a couple can live together and then have really good chances for marital success, but perhaps there are far more couples who fail due to the other factors we've been discussing. This says nothing about the couple who was successful.

What this does say is that couples who choose to cohabitate must be very aware of the tendencies and work to overcome the potential problems from the start. That they live together does not doom them to failure. The problem (causing the high rates of divorce in this category) comes from too many people marrying with the wrong expectations and "rules"--that is something that can be corrected if addressed from the beginning of the cohabitation.

Smile