I am physically disabled with sickness. I am unable to do a lot of things.

My defacto relationship of three years has problems.
I cannot clean the house. This was not a big problem before this relationship. I hired cleaners three times a week and managed to maintain by doing things slowly over the day.

I am left struggling to clean and failing. The mess does not seem to bother him much but it drives me crazy.

In many ways ours is a very happy relationship with many long conversations, emotional closeness, and family togetherness. Even when I am not able to speak clearly we can discuss almost anything but cleaning.

I am becoming more and more depressed about the cleaning. As the years without a cleaner pass things are mounting up and getting worse. I really dont want to leave it until it gets to health hazard or house falling down stage, but I can see the accumulated maintenance "debt" leading to this in ten years, or perhaps less, and it really worries me. I am frantic.

While I have not lost hope I do feel I need to be realistic about my current condition.

Redoubled efforts on my part to clean have resulted in my becoming sicker. This makes the house worse. My becoming sicker and being hospitalised several times increasing the house cleaning debt while I was away has not helped.

Hospital for two weeks was a disaster. Coming home was dreadful. He had been alone. I could not get through the door for things on the floor!

I have since lost interest in a physical relationship that was once wonderful. I have a big barbed wire fence about making love in filth.

Since his arrival the budget has not allowed a cleaner. I am not well enough to participate in barter programs. He will not allow relatives and friends to help. I do not know what to do.

He is very caring of me and will stop me cleaning when he catches me. Then things will stay dirty. I have become a secret cleaner. Except for the kitchen and washing up. He gets upset and confused if I do not do those. I think he believes the toilet and bathroom and children's room self clean or do not dirty.

I have begun giving the children to relatives to care for. I feel the mess is too bad for a child to live in. I am not over-reacting to a minor problem. I know many children live in worse conditions but I do not expect this of my children. Using a vacuum is beyond my physical capability. I have sometimes hired a cleaner when he was out for a day without telling him. I confess after the cleaning is done.

I have been coping after a fashion. I strongly feel I am no longer coping. I feel I would be foolish to ignore that.

I am unsure why my partner is unable to clean. I have accepted it as a fact of him. It is his barbed wire. Unfortunately I am beginning to feel that accepting that this is part of him means I cannot accept him in my life anymore.

I feel this cleaning issue has become a very selfish issue all about me. We cannot discuss it any more.

I believe our efforts to improve our relationship work. He feels we can avoid the issue of cleaning as so many other things are right. He persists with the belief that my loss of interest in a physical relationship is due to the illness. I have tried to explain.
What can I do?

Helen

<small>[ June 10, 2003, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: Helen J ]</small>

hi Helen so sorry your having problems.

I think you need to hire someone as a fathers day present to him...to clean...because evidently
he does not know how to clean..some men never learned how to do that..moms neglected to teach them and some men will not do womens work..you know what I mean..they think it is beneath them..

this week send him out for groceries or someplace he can be gone for a few hours...however long it will take to do it..ballgame or what ever get him tickets send him fishing..

then have the apt on the same day..take care of the things that bother you the most..tell him when he comes home happy fathers day..I don't even care if he has children..lol just do it..tell him oh well it was the thought that counted..

then hire someone on 3 week schedule..
you need it done..it is not a luxury for you
it is a necessity..please call someone..now..

God bless you and don't live in squallor I imagine you see it worse then it is..

also you can call and hire your laundry picked up washed and folded...do it..you need to feel good about yourself..

it will make you sick and you cannot do it..ok..
Keep on keeping on...

and get him to leave if your not married he is not worth keeping around if he is not doing anything except bringing you heartache and damaging your health even more..

I suffer from heart disease and I know how hard it is to keep things up..my daughter does my groceries for me..I Cannot believe I let her do it..lol I always did everything for everyone...but when I got sick everyone deserted
ME..
except for her and a close friend in virginia I talk to..

then of course I have my internet friends..and a few people online I am mentoring..and they are accountable to me so they can stay in line..

take care....
be safe.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />