Maria<p>Thank you for the response.<p>No Maria I have not been out on a date and do not have the desire to do so. Also, at my age of 44 it is hard to get back into a dating thing. I love my wife, I don't want to do the same thing she did. I don't believe that two wrongs make a right, the Eye for an Eye to me is the same as two wrongs in most cases.<p>I have been to counseling, I did not find much help. I did learn that my drive for perfection is probably part of what caused my current situation. Not that I am a complete perfectionist, I'm not. I guess a better way to put what the counselor stated. The fact that my parents died with nothing 20 years, I have the fear of the same and will do all I can not to be in the same boat. There was no futire in Ohio, there is in California. The counselor told me I should learn to relax and take life a face value, I am sorry, I will not die flat broke and hopeless. I have not looked for another counselor in about a year, maybe I should.<p>Thank you for the response Maria. I am just not ready to give up yet.

Fionn<p>Thank you for the words of encouragement. I hope the travel helps and good luck on the new business.<p>I must agree with you on the dating. I don't feel it is time yet, if my wife divorces me, maybe. Besides, I don't know how to date or even where to begin. Yes, I went out on my first, it was a prostitute in the Phillipines. My first wife never knew about it. My first wife was ordered back to the states upon my return from the Phillipines due to suspected Prostitution in government housing. Apparently, while I was in the Phillipines for 3 months she was making extra money. Needless to say, divorce followed.<p>Now my current wife has had affairs, no charge though, and yet it is different. I still love her. The first time was different, the military took care of things, sort of setting the stage for me to overcome. This time, I have been faithful, she has not. All the mixed emotions are ripping me apart.<p>I was in Atlanta, Ga for the past week attending a conference. One of the guys wanted to see a strip bar. There were tree of us from the company attending the conference. We found one and they talked me into going. They had a great time, I do not drink. So, I drove them back to the hotel. I was miserable the entire evening, but I put on a front that I was having a good time. I originally figured I would get some enjoyment out of seeing completely naked girls right in front of me. All I could think about was how much I missed my wife and did not enjoy it at all.<p>I did talk to my wife and she brought up a thought of coming to Atlanta. I could not afford it and since she is not working she couldn't either. Alanta is only 500 miles from Ohio, a lot closer then the current 2500. I was strctly business during the conference, I got a lot out of it. I got back last night.<p>I just wish there was some relief to the pain and emptiness. I used to think I was a loner and could get along wthout anyone's help. I am far from a loner, I thrive on affection, although I have a hard time showing affection. I was sort of the Black Sheep of my family because I did not show outward emotion. I showed it to my wife for a short period of time. When she did not start using her degree after we were married, I became bitter. It was wrong, but it still happened. I did not realize it happened at all, I just knew that things were not going well. It took my wife having an affari to wake me up and realize what I had done over the previous 8.5 years of marriage. I had shut her out of my heart, turned off outward emotion. I was so used to not showing emotion while growing up that it was automatic. Whenever I felt that my feelings or ego was being hurt, I would shut off emotion.<p>Well, that is what I did with my wife and it was wrong. My wife mentioned wanting to come out here in February, not sure why at that time. She plans on coming alone.<p>I hope all this makes sense. I have noticed my writing ability going down hill, and so has the company. This is not a good thing.<p>God Bless, and good luck in your new business and the trip to El Salvador.

Another lonely time. Christmas, right.<p>I have grown to hate this time of year. Remembering the loss of my parents 20 years this season. The second year without my family. I am becoming more and more like Scrooge. Bah Humbug!<p>I sent my family a computer system, my wife has begged me for one all year. Don't know if they received it or not. I included a subscription to a local internet provider and setup her email account for her. I hope that I have not received a email because she did not receive the unit in time. I sent it last Thursday, UPS, insured. At least I can replace it if lost.<p>This emptiness is ripping me apart.<p>May all have a Merry XMAS and happy new year.<p>Alone in California.<br>