Well, I'm really down tonight and really needing some support. I officially went into plan B 2 weeks ago, but spoke with my H tonight to explain why I would have no further contact. I decided that since I can't send him a letter due to the legal issues, I could at least tell him why. <P>I explained that I was sorry for not meeting his needs in our marriage, but until he was willing to give up his "friendship" with the ow I wanted no contact. <P>His first response was anger and made me feel that everything was my fault. I talked to him and he calmed down after a bit. I told him that I wanted to make our marriage work and I was willing to do whatever it takes to make us a family again. But he is going to have to break contact with ow.<P>He basically said there was no chance that things would ever work out between us and he is better off start over with someone new. He stated that he was not with ow and had moved out of their apartment. He said that he didn't believe I was sincere about what changing and that there was no hope.<P>He said that since I was willing to accept that he didn't want a relationship with me that he would accept my stand on no contact. He made it clear several times that since we have kids that I would have to have some [censored] until they were 18. This makes me believe that he really doesn't think I will stick to no contact. Although he did say it would hurt him if I never talked to him again.<P>He continued by saying there was no spark left and our relationship was dead blah, blah. Do they say these things just to hurt or do they really feel that way? He said he would be happy and content living alone for the rest of his life. <P>So anyway, I have been sitting here crying my eyes out trying to understand how people can be so cold. 3 weeks ago he was talking about reconciliation. Is it possible he was never sincere about reconcilation or that maybe he is having withdrawl from the ow if they have split up? <P>I didn't expect him to get angry with me nor did I expect the attitude I received. I told him I loved him and the door was open. He blamed me completely for the break down of the marriage everything was my fault and I should have seen it sooner (before he left). <P>So what do you guys think I should do? Is this typical behavior of the start of plan b? I probably shouldn't have talked to him at all but I didn't want to start plan B on him being angry with me. So I did my best to explain why I was cutting contact since nothing is possible with ow in the picture and tried to listen to all of the junk about everything being my fault. He said he has done his part with cutting contact with the ow woman by moving out and that they hardly speak etc. <P>What stage of this infidelity crap do you think my H is in? Do you think there is a chance that it might be effective or that I will just be divorced and put up the effort for no reason? I plan on continuing plan b for quite a while but since our divorce will be final next month I really don't see much hope for it being very effective. But for the sake of my family I will try. <P>Sorry this is so long but I was just so down tonight after I told my H. I think this finalization of the divorce is really starting to hit me Any advice or comments would be more than appreciated!<P>

Hi, I understand what you are going through also. My H doesn't understand the concept of no contact either. Maybe because (I don't think) he has been on this site more than once or twice. It's hard the "no contact" rule but it is suppose to give US the chance to move on. If our H's do not return to the home. (At least that is how I interput it)<BR>Also gives them a chance to experience what it will be like not having us in their lives.<BR>My H also says he is not with ow. <BR>If that is true why does he not want to try and do everything to rekindle this marriage?<BR>Is he still looking? For something better.<BR>It's very hard on us because we want to be with them and I know I feel if I give him just one more chance will it be the "one" that finally gets through to him. But in the meantime my love for him is dying. So "no contact " is also to prevent that, if he ever does want to try.<BR>I'm trying a modified plan A. If I do have to have contact because of our child. I will be cordial and no LB's(that is very hard), but basically will try not to have any other contact. Are they in withdrawel? Yes proably.<BR>I guess we are too. From them...<BR>Keep up your spirits. I believe in the Harleys principals. Maybe they haven't worked in this relationship. If I EVER get into another one, I will pay close attention to "his needs her needs". Or if by some miracle We do get back together , I will try and apply what I have learned here. <BR>

Tyra,<P>Thanks for your reply. It is so difficult to deal with their crazy behavior. Like you, I have learned so much from reading the Harley's principles and will remember that for future relationships. It just seems so easy for them to "move forward" if the ow is not in their lives. I wonder about my H and I don't know that their relationship is completely over. I know he still has daily contact because they work together, so I'm sure that is part of the problem. <P>I figure I'm better off all around with no contact at this point. Even if it doesn't work for reconciliation, it will help me move forward too. I will have to have contact for mediation and if we end up going to court. <P>Good Luck as I know all of this is so difficult.<P>Tulip