Lack of communication, I am an expert on listening to that.<P>W came home and said "Will you take s & d to school Friday, and pick them up?"<BR>I said, "Yes, so what's going on?"<BR>W said, "My aunt passed away and I am going to the service Friday, 3 hour drive."<BR>Aunt was seen twice at most in 15 years.<P>W came back from service visibly upset and angry that I should have driven her. Now where do you understand that in the above communication? Not only that, why was the aunt's passing not the first topic of the conversation? Is everything a guess test?<P>Its been like that over 15 years. I was at home busy working on a behind project from work,<BR>3 months behind, and W said, <BR>"I am going to get gas." W comes back visibly upset that I let her go and didn't get it for her. Did I miss the question?<BR>Did I not trust her ability to put gas in the tank? Did I know ther were going to be creepy people at that particular time?<P>am I to blame for ALL wife's unforeseen unhappiness?<P>oh please, understudies of marriage builders,<BR>am I missing something? Is complying with direct requests failing the test?<P>thl

I think Delphi is right about the traits always being there.My W was always overly outgoing,sometimes outspoken,impulsive,and irresponsible.When we were younger,these traits showed up from time to time,but most of the time they weren't there.<BR> As she got older,these traits became more dominant and sometimes overbearing.As I look back on our marriage,it seems so clear this is what happened.The last few years,she became more independent,outspoken,and had a nonchalant indifference towards me,as if she were somehow"better than me".<BR> It makes me wonder,why some people stay the same,and some people tend to change,or get worse as they get older?In my W's case,it now seems that she really didn't change,just that her bad traits became more dominant.I almost feel sorry for her next husband.Almost. --Murph

Delphi:<BR>My H and I used to communicate to let our feelings etc be known...maybe not in the best way, but we certainly never skirted any issue and there was conflict which we did resolve (kids, lifestyle etc.) UNTIL OW entered the picture. At that point things started to fall apart and H's personality was no longer tempered by "common sense and responsibility to family" within the context of his and my personalities.<P>In fact I kept on asking him "what was wrong" as nothing I or the kids did was acceptable and H was very short tempered (usually my domain!). He wanted no part of our life...wanted to live a "bachelor and/or child free existance" which he now has with ow." Something that he was VERY scornful and judgemental of before when he heard of others who had gone this route.<P>What made him change, not his basic personality, but the priorities in his life....no doubt OW and the "famtasy" from responsibility she has provided.<P>The joke is that this "prince", who refused to help in the home with childrens' appointments, homework or any real stuff with kids is now cleaning, cooking etc is now doing it all...cooking, cleaning up etc for the 2 of them, while ow sits and drinks wine as she is too tired etc !!!(she, at 28 years old, barely works and has her child (12 years old) visit every other weekend!)<P>In the mean time H THINKS he has it all, but while it is not a fantasy for anyone in my family, I may have the harder job in terms of the kids, but I do have the real relationship with them which I do be;lieve that he does not, and that is what is important to me....his fantasy is that his relationship with the kids has not changed...............only time will tell, but they all know who was there for them!

Communication is both spouses responsibility and what can you do if one person is a very poor communicator or won't at all? Sometimes nothing, I guess. I mean if a person is a brick wall, what can you do? Wilbok, it does seem pretty strange for your H to go from being responsible to not responsible. Is there anything else going on like addictions or depression?

Delphi:<BR>Just the whole classic case of MLC..<BR>He did not deal with his parents death 16 and 13 years ago and is approaching the age when they became ill, he is on a power trip and believes he is entitled to all rewards of his business success including financial sucess for himself, forgetting that he did not make it using his own money, he felt that all in his position had ow (a reward for success!), he did not deal with older 2 sons having girlfriends and the knowledge that they would go away to school (2 years ago)..and he did not like the idea that he was still having to pay for kids education (with my money) with no "reward". He had to "compete with their adolescent life"<P>Basically a very juvenile and adolescent behaviour to all the above where he wanted to do what suited him and to heck with the rest.<P>Of course he ALWAYS has a smile on his face...conflict avoider in terms of dealing with this mess he has created.<P>Oh...I forgot he also has a G-d complex where he is right about EVERYTHING and all others or obviously wrong.<P>Is he happy, I do not know if he will even admit to himself that he got what he wanted, but is this what he wanted? He will have to convince himself that this is so, because to admit he has made a mistake would devestate him. (He has never apologised in his life. He always has to be the "good guy and winner" and the facde of his persona displays this to the outside world.