Susan,<BR> <BR>I have not ignored going out and living it up!!! in life.. beleive me...! I was always a party person.. and always will be, and I have not sat home... It is only when I`m home, I have this anger.. living in this memory box, and can`t affford to even make changes around here yet.. so not to have to have eveyrthing we had together around.. I am still angry yes, but it has not stopped me from living... in any way...<P>I have an ad out on aol love web site and have met alot of men, who HAVE been through just as much and more, that have spilled there guts to me, first night out.. this makes me even more angry that I have waisted all these yrs with this person I thought was so open and so great, NOT!! and it is a real shame, he can not see who he is NOT!!! either... there are definitly so many men out there who have learned from this, and have made more of an effort to being open for new and exciting adventures.. and I won`t quite until I find that *one* that suits me...<P>I do make the best of each and every day, and want to live that way for the rest of my life.. no one ever knows what tomorrow has in store for us.. so there is only today, to deal with, and live for...<P>My anger is so up and down. but, it has dwindled through this past yr and a half.. it has calmed down, a bit.. but I guess because I never got to say everything I feel he should hear, as pay back for doing this to us, (d and I) it is never going to be resolved inside of me, so this anger can go on for quite some time.. <P>one day.. IF WE SHOULD EVER RE-TURN TO A TALKING STAGE AGAIN... I hope to have that calm cool converstaiton again, that he so needs to hear.. and have him carry all of this around in his conciunts for a change.. he needs to THINK!!!, he needs to LOOK IN THE MIRROR, he needs to focus on how many peole he has hurt in his life time, through out all his past relationships.. and why it happened, but what he really needs is a good spanking.. and a good cry.. as he has done to so many others.. his attitude is so wrong and full of his hard core stubbornness.. he is full of him self.. and yet still buys every one he knows all that they want, to buy thier love for him self.. he has lost the capability to know what true love really is any more.. that is the sad part.. for his sake.. he thinks this OW is going to fill him with that love he feels he was missing between us, but it is him who is missing the point... and in the long run.. running from facing his own, (I guess) fear of real true love.. that would mean showing his true self.. OMG!!!! and that is what maybe too much for him.. so he lives life superficially.. to make up for his incapability.. <P>I gotta run, to be continued.... you take care susan.. thanks again....<P>AV<BR>

You know, I had those same feelings...perhaps later down the road I could sit him down and tell him just how awful this was for all of us and how he should be regretful for all the pain he has caused.....<BR>But the fact remains, he will either feel that on his own, or nothing I say to him will make a difference. I do feel that at some point, perhaps when his affair is over, or perhaps when his kids tell him off that he will look back and have regrets. I was a good wife, a good mom, and supported him during times when others turned their back on him. He may never see this, or he may. <P>I was always committed to him, through thick and thin. Did I expect more from him? Yes, I did, and when I pushed him for more, that is when he retreated into his affair. It was an escape, a diversion. But reality will rear it's ugly head in any relationship he has if he does not change. But I cannot tell him that, he must figure it out for himself. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

susan,<P>Unfortunately for me, my ex has now made a pattern out of his life, so it is easy to figure out, that will never happen to my ex.. he will never look at anything he has done to contribute in our marriage going down the tubes as any of his doing.. I know from listening to him, about his last marriage, that he quote: "put up with way more then she ever had to" this is the kind of attitude I delt with.. he saw some one elses wrongs as the ultimate wrong.. never his own...<P>I wish it could have been different with me, so he couldn`t compare, but it is him that is so terribly wrong and I know he still will compare, and never look at him self as being part of the coprit! <P>I don`t know about where you live, but we are having a storm here right now, thunder and lightening.. so I have to shut down for a bit.. but I will be lurking later.. <P>bye for now...AV