I would like to get some feedback on how long everyone thinks we should wait before dating once the divorce is final? <P>Also, any tips, warnings, etc. It has been 18 years since I have dated.<p>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited May 29, 2000).]

711,<P>This thread has the potential to start a real flamer...lol<P>Anyhoo...Conventional wisdom says to wait anywhere from a 18 months to 2 years before getting into a relationship...that being said...<P>RWD had a good quiz on his thread the other night. This could be used as a benchmark to determine ones emotional state, in order to determine if your ready for dating.<P>I believe it solely depends on the individual...some will wait until well after the D is final...some claim they will never get into another relationship...some can't be without one...some will just date and not get too emotionaly attached...<P>In my case I feel no guilt having the desire to date...I have yet to even go on a date, be that as it may, when I meet someone I will ask them to dinner and a movie or some such. The last thing I want right now is a serious relationship, moreover I think it unfair to myself to set me up for anymore heartbreak. So I will in all likelyhood continue not dating for a bit longer.<P>I probably didn't answer your question but I hope you gain something from my line of reasoning.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

No, your reply was about what I expected. I have been told by numerous people to wait at least a year. But some others advise that since we had been in counseling for some time, I probably don't have to wait that long. <P>The hard part is knowing your x started having a relationship with another women before he even asked for a separation and is out there dating now. I feel the need to show him that I can date too but I am afraid of getting attached to someone too quickly and getting hurt on top of the hurt of the divorce. On the other hand, I feel that I deserve some fun and think I might enjoy dating. But I don't even know how anymore. I guess I will just put one foot in front of the other.<P>Such a dilemna...<P>I took RWD quiz the other night. I think I will go back and take it again.<P>Thanks!

711,<BR>I know what you mean about stbx dating someone before you were even separated. Mine did too. And I also understand your wanting to prove a point to your x. Just make sure you are ready to date for YOURSELF not to "show your X". A part of me really wants to go out and have my H find out, but that wouldn't really be fair to the person I went out with because it would be more about my H than it would be the person I was with. I personally don't think I will ever date again, or at least not seriously. I don't want another relationship - ever. With all the stories I've heard on this website and the dismal results of second marriages, I just don't think I could ever do it again. I see what it's done to my own father. He doesn't speak to me or my sister anymore because of his new wife. She feels threatened by us. So he hasn't spoken to us in 8 months. Although he has an excellent relationship with her children and grandchildren. Me & my sister were not invited for Thanksgiving, Xmas, Easter. And with my H gone (and his family with him) my sister is all I have left besides my kids. I don't ever want to be put in the position of having to choose between my partner and my kids. Therefore I won't put myself there. But it's a very personal decision. When you feel ready, go for it!<P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

711,<P>I too think dating because spouse is dating is the wrong reason. Date because you have met someone interesting and would like to get to know them better.<P>I'm dating, if you can call one date dating because I found this woman to be interesting. She apparently is not interested in dating, at least me anyhow, because I have been unable to get a hold of her, darn caller ID, and I left her my number to call me and she hasn't, so.<P>But I've met two other woman recently, one is a waitress, the other is a school teacher. The waitress is wild, crazy and spontaneous and seems like she would be a lot of fun if I could keep up with her. She works most nights, and gets out late, so I don't expect too much of a relationship with her.<P>The teacher is a lot more saner, and maybe safer, plus she works days and is used to kids. I don't know that yet. I am thinking about asking her out for this weekend.<P>I too hadn't dated in 16+ yrs, but the first went pretty well.<P>You just need to have the right reasons I guess. Don't go out looking for a relationship, don't go out because x is, don't go out looking for someone to vent to.<P>Just go out to have a good time. Don't expect much, just let it come.<P>Bob

711,<BR> Well,after my stbx started her affair and moved out,she called me a couple of weeks later,and asked if I had started dating,yet!<BR> Some people,huh?<P> After I'm divorced,I don't know about the dating thing.I haven't dated for,let's see,about 25 years.Right now,I do get out and talk to women that I meet,but that's as far as it goes.I don't want to get involved with anyone for a long time,and I don't want to hurt anyone else by jumping into a relationship if I feel too emotionally unstable.<BR> After my sister's divorce several years ago,she dated some real losers.One of them beat her up pretty bad,so be careful.I thought we could start a divorced singles club on this website,but we'd have a lot of people flying all over the country just for a date!<BR> I just read Keridwen's reply,and it made me sad.To never want a relationship again sounds like a lonely life.But I know where she's coming from.Infidelity strikes at your very soul,and it's hard to ever trust again.But my uncle had a bad first marriage,and then married a lovely widow.They've had a great marriage for over 30 years.<BR> I've heard that the time to get into another relationship,is when you feel you don't have to.<BR> --Murph

711,<P>Dating after a seperation/divorce is a very personal thing. I was set up by mutual friends a few times. It was difficult at first but did get easier over time. It had been 18 years for me also. I had to go very slow. If my current boyfriend would have been in a big hurry, then it would have never happened. He was willing to take things slowly and we got to know each other over a long time. It started w/email then we talked on the phone a bit, dated a couple times a week, traveled a bit together and now we are going on a whilwind tour of Europe in a couple of weeks. The strange thing is the Ex's behavior when I started dating. He seemed so happy to get me off his back. I no longer was the hurt spouse making him feel guilty for seeing the OW. He has avoided meeting my boyfriend like the plague. He runs away from us. He has drilled my children for info on my boyfriend. It really is not a fun thing.<P>The one thing that is still really hard is that my family as a unit is so broken. It is really hard to have holidays come. I can't leave my children to spend holidays with my boyfriend, and I am not ready to force my new relationship down my kid's throats either. They have to put up w/the OW and that is hard enough. So I feel real torn on holidays wanting to spend it with everyone I care about yet not wanting to hurt my children. I will have some resolution someday, I know that I will not rush into marriage, so I will have to figure it out in the future. <P>Well my advise is to take it one day at a time. When you are not in a relationship the fantasy of one is very attractive. When you are in one the reality of trying see each other as often as time allows is difficult. The grass is always greener. Take care.<P>GP

I think it depends on the individual and the circumstances. I do believe that waiting to get involved seriously is good, there are so many issues you as an individual need to deal with first. <BR>I waited until the divorce was final to date. I had left the option open to my X if he wanted to stop the D and reconcile, I would, but once the D was final, for me there was no turning back. <P>I dated a few men, but one in particular who had been a friend previously has been the one I am still seeing. At this point I am not interested in dating any one else, but am not ready for any serious relationship.<P>What dating does do is make you realize there is life after D. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

RWD,<BR>I had to respond about your considerations between the waitress and the teacher.<BR>I was a bartender/waitress and than I was a Flight Attendant for almost 6 years. Both jobs have reputations. I am and always have been a good, loyal, FAITHFUL woman. My H's OW is a special ed. school teacher. We both obviously know she is not faithful to her H. <BR>So, please dont let the job description and reputation of the job be the deciding factor!<BR>Let how they treat you and how you like their personality be the reason.<P>By the way, the teacher is all for my H moving across the country to live by her and give up his son. They make work well with kids but that doesnt mean she will be gaurenteed to like yours!!<BR>All just food for thought!<BR>Take care, Lisa

I waited for 1-1/2 years before starting to date. He'd been gone for 3-1/2 years before the divorce actually occurred. This means, all told, I've been out of the dating loop for 25 years Since there were no men at church, school, work, or volunteer points, I got tired of waiting and tried a personal ad. I know it wasn't the safest thing to do but the man I have seen for the last few weeks has seemed so nice. (However, my x is living proof that anyone can put on a good show for a while.) The big problem is that he has only been divorced 2 months. I don't know how he can be ready for dating. How do you learn how to trust again and how do you overcome your own intimacy issues? I know it's time to get back to the therapist's office. But how do you regain your "sea legs"? Dating is one thing. I can do that, I think. But I hadn't counted on chemistry so intensely or so rapidly. Any clues?

eeesh...Cinderella, that seems way too soon for this guy. Everyone's been giving me advice to wait at least 6 months, preferably one year AFTER the divorce. I think if I started dating now (well...I've only been separated a little over two months), it would be because I feel lonely, as if I'm sinking, and meeting someone new would be a life preserver.<P>My suggestion would be to push him back into the pot until he's cooked a little longer; I would hope that someone would do the same thing for me...<P>theo

Hey!!<BR>Remember that dating is not marriage!! There is nothing wrong with going out with someone of the opposite sex and having dinner, conversation, etc....even when we are working through some of our issues. We do not have to get involved with anyone, unless we find we want to. We are only as vulnerable as we allow ourselves to be..<BR>I think it is real stroke to any of our egos to know we are still attractive to the opposite sex, even if it is only for some companionship for an evening. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

touche'.... <P>

Well it looks like I will have to read the book of Hosea three times in order to be ready for dating again according to RWD's quiz. Of course, I counted four half answers.<P>Ok Ok - I will not date only to get back at the x. Actually, I met someone that I think would be fun to date but I'm afraid I might get attached too quickly. I don't think waiting a lifetime would change that about me. How do you control the relationship not getting serious? What if there is chemistry there? Do you say "Well I really like you, but need to call this off because we are moving too fast"? I see my counselor tomorrow and I know he will say to just stay away from men for a year, but I don't want to. Does anyone else feel this way?<P>Thanks for all the replys. Obviously, I still have questions but I tend to question everything to death.

It has been over a year for me now, and I still have no interest in dating. I'm like Keridwen I guess. Or maybe even Kathryn (sp?) Hepburn. Now she had some guts. <P>Whenever I think of having a relationship, I think, jeez why bother? I'd rather spend my time with people who are going to be around for awhile, and ya know what? It hasn't been the opposite sex. I've had relationships with my women friends over TWICE as long as any one man. What a big 'ol waste of time that was! Maybe I'll give it a shot again when I'm alot older, like in my 60's or something. After that mating extinct has run it's course, the children thing is out of the picture, etc, etc.<P>I've got a joke:<P>One day, a beautiful self-assured young princess was walking through the woods, surveying her kingdom, when she came across a toad sitting by a pond.<P>The toad said "oh beautiful princess. I was once a handsome prince. If you kiss me, I will be a prince once again. Then we can spend our lives together. You could cook my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and be forever grateful doing so."<P>That evening, after dining on a meal of toad-legs, the young princess dabbed her lips and thought "I DON'T FRIGGIN' THINK SO!!"

711,<P>Yippee!! I found someone who feels the same way I do! <P>I'm not divorced yet, but should be soon. At first I was afraid to date, but now I'm very open to the idea. Not because my H is in the middle of an affair but because I want to spend time with adult men! I could also see myself getting attached easily especially if there is chemistry. Sometimes,people come into our lives just at the right time. In some cases, yes, it may be a good idea to wait a while after the divorce is final. But sometimes someone comes along and something just clicks. I would hate to think that I could miss out on an opportunity for lasting happiness just because I happen to think "Well, it hasn't been 6 months yet, so no I can't see this person." I think it depends on you and the other person. There isn't always a rule to follow.<P>Mitzi

Thanks Mitzi. I'm glad to hear I am not alone either. <P>When I first separated, I felt the same way as Keridywn and The Student. But now, I am interested in what may come my way. A while back I posted on whether there were still any good men out there and I received so many responses, especially from the men, that made me realize there were.<P>I think we just have to take a risk. I would hate to miss out on something good in life because of past experiences. We have all learned so much through our divorces and separations, that surely we should do better next time. Also, most of us made it a long time in our marriages, so we must have been doing something right. <P>Here's too the future.<P>I have been enjoying the single life (with kids) and if that is where I end up that will be fine too. I listen to whatever cds I like, never never do I watch sports, and I just like the quiet sometimes. Of course, that is only when the kids are away. For those of us who are lucky enough to have kids, least we will always have them and will never truly be alone. I'm sorry, Keridywn about your experience with your father. That is tragic. I can't imagine how that must feel. No man will ever ever change the way I feel about my kids. They will always be my top priority.<P>

711,<P>I agree, this thread will start the flames <P>I would like to say that dating , like Sue said, IS NOT marriage. I do feel everyone has a different amount of courage and strength. <P>Dating is NOT easy. Its actually kind of scary in the beginning. But you do get used to it, and eventually you start being able to interact with the opposite sex again, because for those of us who were faithful (me for 11 years), its hard to get out there and talk to other people again.<P>In my situation, it has been a LONG time since I dated too. WHen I did, ya I met some REAL LOSERS. I will warn you that there are A LOT of men out there that are out for one thing, and will use your vulnerability to their advantage. You certainly don't need to tell them your whole life story in the beginning and remember it is not a counseling session. I did find that it was best to be friends a while first, rather than to date someone you really don't know all that well. <P>Most of the people who "don't" date all that soon, believe that their way is the best way. Most of the people who do date a little sooner will say that its not really that big of a deal. You can always try it and if your not ready, you'll know it.<P>You don't have to get too emotionally attached, try to take things slow and if you are getting too attached, step back a little.<P>Like Mitzi said, if you actually "click" with someone, its kind of hard to walk away. <P>We are adults, we are human and we have needs just like our ex's did. The only time I'd say it would really be bad to date, is one if you are doing it to prove a point to the betrayer, or two, if you feel you want to get back with your stbx one day. Those two situations would truly be unfair to anyone new your dating.<P>Dating can mean different things to different people. But casually, just going to dinner, or to a movie, really is not the end of the world. At some point, we all have to learn that there IS LIFE AFTER DIVORCE and unless you want to spend the rest of your life alone, than you'll do it when you feel right about it anyway.<P>My advice would be go very slow, be honest at all times, and do what makes YOU happy. There is no "rule" because we all had different marraiges, divorces, affair circumstances, etc. <P>I have known several people to divorce and go on to good second marriages. I also don't know anyone that has walked away once the opportunity came up. <P>I am seeing someone who is wonderful. He treats me well and I do care about him tremendously. It's not something that we were looking for at the time, but instead kind of just happened. <P>Follow your heart and know that there are A LOT of good guys out there and you will be able to trust and feel happiness when YOU are ready .<BR>Good Luck <P>Dana<BR>

Hey all,<BR>I guess my situation is different because there are only about 10% women in my profession. I'm surrounded by men everyday, of all shapes and sizes, ages, you name it. Alot of my friends think I'm wierd for not dating, but oh well. I wouldn't trade places with them either. <P>It is probably alot tougher for women (or men) who aren't around the opposite sex alot in their daily life. In that case "dating" or at least going out with someone might be the only way they get exposure to the opposite sex. The men I work with mostly get on my nerves. All most of them talk about is sports all day. It is pretty cute when I catch them talking about their kids though. One of the guys stays home half the day to take care of his baby (way cool, IMO), so he's got lots of stories.<BR> <P>

Ok, I have my armour on!!<P>For me, I felt the same way as many of you for a short while...never wanted to get involved again, didn't want any more hurt, etc...<BR>But then I realized that life is full of ups and downs. And I really liked male company, in more ways than one(ahem). I was just not ready to shell myself up in a cocoon and not experience another relationship if one came my way. <BR>So, I ventured out and started dating..<BR>and started seeing a family friend who had been divorced for three years and had dated a girlfriend of mine for a year. It felt comfortable, safe and nonthreatening. <BR>Guess what?? It felt great! It was just what I needed. It is just what I need. A companion, a friend, a "male", and no pressure. He is not seeing any one else, I am not either. Do I know where this will be a year from now?? No, but it ok for now. If I get hurt, so be it, but I would not miss this experience for the world. <BR>I was ready...some of you may not be... but when you are ready don't let it pass you by. Live life to it's fullest!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan