thanks for the input, bystander...i wish it were that simple. he just wants me the heck out of his life, and claims to SOOOOOO desparately LOVE the children he has repeatedly abandoned (to get away from ME, of course).<BR>i think i will suggest that we see a psych. on the matter of custody arrangements...we have plenty of insurance, and i know he'll do what he can to make his pathetic self look more favorable, so im sure he'll agreee to it (probably while doing everything to get me convicted of the misdemeanor domestic abuse charge i have pending against me, which is very likely to be off my record soon...but im rambling)<BR>anyway, i never had any intention of taking his kids away from him, yet he is hell-bent on getting full custody, now. i think it is all bluster and fear on his part, they are great kids, and he loves to show them off <A HREF="http://members.fortunecity.com/joolstag" TARGET=_blank>http://members.fortunecity.com/joolstag</A> <BR>so do i!

Nikki and others,<P>I have enjoyed reading this thread, now I would appreciate some feedback on my twisted situation. <P>My wife left our home last August, to an apartment so she could continue her affair without a hassles. She did not abandon our almost 3 yr old girl at that time. She has not abused her or neglected her. At the time we agreed to true half time (every other weekend and 2-3 days). As of now we are actually in a 2-2-5-5 schedule (Biwkly : First Monday to Second Sunday. My wife is still continuing her affair, has not filed for divorce, but now wants to change the schedule to give our 3.5 yr old girl some "stability". I argued okay, that stability could be at the "house" with me 8 or 9 days out of biweekly. She of course said no way, wants it be her way in the apartment 8 or 9 days.<P>Am I being unreasonable and letting my emotions get involved because I was not the one who left? She left, agreed to half custody(probably because of the affair) at the beginning with me because I insisted. Are the betrayed usually more likely not wanting to get screwed when it comes to custody or visitation? I sensed your responses were justified in your mind because your husband did the betraying?<P>I want to do what's best for my daughter, but I am having a hard time accepting she is better off with an immoral, lack of values mother(though strangely still a good mother skills wise) for 8-9 nights. Am I wrong, am I trying to be too self-righteous? The OM is going to be involved more in that situation and we are not even divorced yet.<P>P.S. I know my lawyer says I am basically screwed once the divorce custody issues come up, so I am delaying the divorce for that reason also.

Izzy,<P>I just wanted to tell you that I do not think that you are wrong at all for wanting to teach your d morals and values.......I'd do whatever it is to make sure that you get custody!<P>I would get a psychologist involved, your d should not be put in that kind of situation.......I would be fuming out the ears ....<P>I would do what ever it is that you can.<P>Stand up for what you believe in and do what you think is right.<P>Hang in there!..........<P>Gina <P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----<p>[This message has been edited by w.g.up.h (edited June 13, 2000).]

I have 3 kids from 5 to 11. The 11 and 9 year old go to a counselor because this hit them blindside, as it did me.<P>My H was cold and cruel when he left, basically telling them when the cried "you don't love us anymore" "that's what kids think love is all about" <P>My h didn't want much to do with them when he left...he has turned the corner with that but still gets annoyed when they want to play when he would come over.<P>He would say.."see..they would rather play with their friends."<P>Anyway, though we are not discussing a D (I think he thinks it would make him look like a bad guy) he wanted to come and go as he pleased. I even let him stay here when I was out of town.<P>My kids were very confused about this. My H has never really talked to them about why he left....the last memory my kids have of me and their dad is kissing and hugging in the kitchen and saying goodby as he went off on a 10 day business trip with op.<P>Their counselor is in the being consistent mindset. She says that when kids know when to expect to see their dad they will feel more relaxed and free to be kids when they are here. When he would come visit they would feel like "how should I act." If someone called my daugher to play she would get a stomach ache because she thought that if she instead went with her dad he might see how much she missed him and come home.<P>Also, my H seems to have lost his conscience in this. He says everyone keeps secrets and he can't understand why the kids would be upset that he left and he takes them to pg13 movies...something he never would have done before.<P>Since we have begun a consistent visitation with me being the primary caregiver, the kids have relaxed more and stop asking everyday if they will see daddy!!!! It is a very hard adjustment for kids. In my opinion the consistency probably lessons the tension between the parents as well.

w.g.<P>Thanks for the support. I have been fighting this overwhelming feeling to give it my best shot at getting at least primary custody in joint custody situation. I know we can get mediators and evaluations involved, but I am not sure if that would cause more damage to my relations with soon to be ex or if it would have any impact? Just pondering...