Well - <P>I wanted to let you know my dating nightmare. For those who followed my last thread, I decided to date and ended up getting seriously involved with a man.<P>Last night, he came over to talk and another women showed up at my home. We all attend the same support group. She either followed him there or looked up my address from the list. He had dated her before we met. I knew about her but thought it was over. It was for him but apparantly not for her. <P>She was very upset, screaming, and wouldn't leave when I asked her to. I had to call the police and we eventually got her out of the house (with the police on the phone) and she left. She sent me an email later and apologized and said all kinds of things about the man I am seeing and that I should steer clear of him. I'm more worried about her at this time but can't help but worry about what I have gotten myself into. <P>Obviously, this women was not ready for a relationship, and when it went bad, she lost control. <P>Now, I am trying to decide what I should do. <BR>What a mess. I should have waited a year.<P>Would love feedback. Good or bad. I can take either. I got all kinds in my last post.<P>Thanks!<p>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited August 17, 2000).]

I guess I would first talk to your friend...<BR>let him defend himself against the stuff she said about him. She is obviously not thinking straight, since she came to your house and acted the way she did. <BR>How well do you know your friend??? I would let that guide me some. If you feel you are getting to know him pretty well, giv ehim the opportunity to discuss the issues with you. T<BR>The man I am seeing now has an x wife who is off the deep end...she has called me a couple of times and tried to fill my head full of lies. Because I knew the last woman he dated before me, and she had already told me his x was looney, I knew it wasn't him. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

I think I know him pretty well and feel like the other women has gone off the deep end. But, it does make me step back a little. <BR>I guess you can never be too careful. We are getting together later to talk this out. He is also going to talk to our support group leader who is a trained therapist about what happened and then probably talk to her if that is suggested. I'm going to see what happens and hope this just blows over.<P>Thanks for the reply. You know I always enjoy hearing from you.<P>Take care.<BR>

Walk, don't run!<P>No need to get yourself entangled in whatever is happening there.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks Chris:<P>I have thought about doing just that. But ....

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I knew about her but thought it was over. It was for him but apparantly not for her. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Was it perhaps not over for her because he forgot to mention that little fact to her, just as so many of the WS have forgotten to mention it to their spouses?<P>Why is it that the ex-wife, ex-girlfriend is so often described as crazy? Maybe they are not more crazy than the betrayed spouses on this board. I wouldn't be surprised if the OW's are accusing the betrayed spouses of being crazy, too. <BR>

Whoops! I meant to say <B>RUN! DON’T WALK!</B><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Do ya really need this right now? Haven't you had enough drama in your life the past few years? Do you really need "someone" so bad you are willing to deal with this? <P>My ex told me all kinds of stuff about his ex-girlfriend of five years. Made it out like she was a real wack-o. Oh, he did admit to "pushing her around" once or twice, but other than that he was some saint (not!). There IS a reason why this woman was at your door. I'm sure it is not all the fault of your friend, because she is the only one who can ultimately be held responsible for her own behavior, but he's mixed up in it somewhere, somehow. So, again, do you really need this?

I think I would gently bow out of this situation.<P>I'm sure my ex could defend himself in this situation. He is a great deceiver. I think the other woman was out of line doing this....but maybe there is some skeletons that he will never tell you about.<P>Can you talk to her? Give her some of your time to discuss what the problem is? Wouldn't some of us have liked to tell the OW that helped break up our marriages just what the H had done to us?<P>I know that I would not like to get myself involved in another drama.....I'm way too fragile right now.<P>Nancy

{{{{{{{{{711}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I agree with the others, this situation is better left behind. You have suffered enough.<P>However, don't give up now. Without failure, we don't know how good we have it when we succeed. <P>I think you actually made some progress regardless of how this turned out. You learned you could be strong, get out there and start to live again and at one point, you started off with trust.<P>There are other fish in the sea sweetie, just keep fishing!!<P>Prayers to you,Dana<BR>

I'm inclined to think that the other woman is a bit wacky. Strange that they should show up at the same time. Maybe she didn't know the relationship was over. I think a lot of talk neds to take place - that twosome needs to talk, you and he need to talk, I don't think you and ow need to talk, though. Although she may have some insight into him that you don't yet have.<P>I'm dating a man who talks about his x as if she were a real nut. If what he says is true, she is nuts. I just wonder what his role in it was. <P>I think we can usually trust our inner voices but who am I to say. My x had me fooled for more than 20 yrs.<P>By the way, what is a WS?<P>And if the smart thing to do is to get out of this relationship, just think how far you've come to be able to see that and recognize it before you get too tangled up.

Cinderella,<P>You've been here HOW LONG? LOL <P>WS is a wayward spouse. That is the betrayer. We are the betrayed spouse. Well most of us here anyhow.<P>Although I know a few people personally who have cheated, and met some here as well, and I have come to learn that we are only human. We make mistakes. 711, you could still talk to him and get some answers before you walk, just for your own peace of mind.<P>Some ex's are truly nuts. Although, I would say I took that label in January myself. I agree, she does sound like she has some issues. Follow your heart and be strong. <P>Ultimately, you have to do what makes you happy. If you follow everyone else's advice, and then it doesn't work out, you'll always wonder. Again, one of those things I learned the hard way, but at least I have learned it now.<P>Dana<P>

Thanks everyone for the advice. It sounds like the majority vote is to walk, no run, from this.<P>I'm undecided. I just got back from a week's vacation with the kids (not with him). I thought a lot about it and since then the woman has apologized to both of us and said he had made no commitments to her. She said she was acting out of pain from the loss of the relationship. I just wanted to clarify for some that she was not his ex wife or a woman he had a long term relationship with. They both got involved in their relationship immediately after their spouses left them. After both attended a divorce recovery workshop, he decided it was a mistake and told her that he thought it should end for many reasons. He thought she was ok with that but apparantly she wasn't or just not ready to see him date anyone else because that was one of the reasons he said they should stop dating. Obviously, I am now involved with him shortly after my divorce against the good advice of many. But, I decided I was ready to date (see other post if you haven't already or if you care to know more) And, he obviously changed his mind too when we met. <P>So, I haven't decided what to do. As I have said before, we are having a lot of fun together, we have a lot in common and I'm just not sure I want to give all of that up even though that would sure make my life a lot less complicated. <P>Ok - So how many people still think I'm crazy?

Youre borderline, but going slowly will keep you from falling over the edge. <P>actually, <BR>there are somedays I don't even want to see another woman ever again, and then there are days I will take one as long as she is not an EFSJ, and then there are days I WILL TAKE ANYONE! <P><BR>there is a woman at work who is very similar to me, same background, same stuff, same everything, and I look like her ex husband, and we both agreed we don't want to marry again until the kids are into college.<P>There are just too many issues with blended families to do that, as well as personal issues.<P>She has her affairee partner flying up from DC to Boston to see her every third weekend of the month, waiting to marry her like a devoted puppy. he divorced his wife for her, and she is unwilling to give him up, although won't marry him. He has been doing this for 3 years. She says he isn't the one, but is lonely.<P>We might do something together with our kids sometime, but i don't think i would even consider doing anything but one beach day with the kids, especially since she works right down the hall.<P>uuuggghhhh! don't date anyone at work, that is definately the pits if it doesn't work out.<P>gotta go.<P>thl

thl - So, I'm not completely crazy. Well that's good.<P>Sounds like you are struggling with the issues of dating especially with this woman at work. I agree that getting involved with someone at work could get very complicated. But, what is life without a few chances. That has been my recent philosophy and I can definitely say my life is no longer boring. Not that I am enjoying all these complications but I do wonder if there is any situation we can get into that isn't going to have some kind of problem. That is why I haven't run from this relationship yet. What guarantees do I have with anyone? Yes, seeing this man has definitely not been easy for the reasons stated but even if I waited a year and found someone who seems to fit the recommended criteria, I'm sure there will be some skeletons in his closet that will eventually come out. Like my sister says, life is like a crap shoot. <P>OK - That's my thought for the moment.<P>Keep those thoughts coming. I love hearing everyone's perspectives on my latest problems. Good, bad or ugly. <P><p>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited August 17, 2000).]

Well, I went to my group therapy tonight and told my story. It was suggested that I take a month break (or at least 2 weeks) from dating this man. So, I talked to him tonight. It was hard to do. But in the end we agreed to give it a try. After all, it's only for a short period of time. Although, we will probably still email each other now and then. So, wish me luck. <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 711:<BR>[B]So, I haven't decided what to do. As I have said before, we are having a lot of fun together, we have a lot in common and I'm just not sure I want to give all of that up even though that would sure make my life a lot less complicated. <BR>[B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It sure feels nice to have someone to spend time with and have fun with, doesn't it? But what is it going to cost you? You've been through an emotional wringer. Do you want to start all that drama again? Maybe this is so confusing to you because you haven't fully dealt with all your personal issues? Maybe if you were more clear on what you wanted, your weaknesses and self worth, you wouldn't be so conflicted? I know it it tempting to gravitate to things that make us feel good. It's even healthy sometimes because it gets us away from our negative thoughts, but I don't think any relationship is good for long-term if you haven't worked through your own stuff first. Think of it this way, what do YOU have to offer the other person if you still carrying baggage? Your hands aren't free to truly give or receive.<P>

Popeye:<P>Well, that was right on target. That is exactly what I have been thinking lately. I thought I was ready for all of this but now I'm pretty sure I am not. You're right. If I was ready, I wouldn't be having such confusion. I would probably just walk away from this.<P>So, I am now stepping back and relooking at this whole dating thing. I haven't ended it yet but have slowed it down quite a bit. <P>I do have issues I need to deal with and lately I haven't been dealing with any of them (only the issues with this new relationship). What good am I going to be in a new relationship if I don't work out the old issues?. I walked down the aisle with my X 18 years ago with doubts in my mind and look where I ended up. I certainly do not need to do that again.<P>So, can you work on issues and date at the same time? What if you are only dating here or there and not all the time?<P>Anyway, thanks so much for your advice. It is what I needed to hear.

Heeeeers the Student, being the party pooper again. <P>711,<BR>Maybe I need to change my definition of dating. I do lots of fun stuff with men. In groups, by myself sometimes. I don't consider them dates because there is no possibility of having a relationship with them. It does help that I make a decision not to spend time with men who are obviously attracted to me (and vice-versa), but you don't need to be a hermit. <P>You don't have to answer this one, but think about it a little while. Do you think you would have felt as emotionally invested (at a certain level) or confused if you did not have sex with him? This is something else that happens alot. The minute people have sex, their expectations go up. Understandably, because there is a different level of risk now. <P>Please, don't think I'm trying to convince you to be celibate. There's a big difference between people who only eat meat once a week, and those who are strict vegetarians Still, I would still advise you to keep sex out of it till you were much further along in the relationship, regardless of the issues you need to deal with. You can still have fun, meet people and have a life!!

TS: Boy, you are everywhere.<P>I don't know what the hell I am doing. But, I am considering doing lots of things at this point. One - Never date again, Two - Date everyone in sight, Three - Marry this guy, because HE IS THE ONE, Four - Well, I don't have a fourth. By the way, I was kidding on Three.<P>Well, I see we will continue to discuss this until the cows come home. <P>I can't believe you couldn't answer my question "where can I find "real love".<P>On a more serious note, I will think about what you have said. I will admit that sex sure does complicate things. You may be wise in your decision. But, it sure is fun. I had to throw that in to get you going again. Just kidding.