I'll try to make this brief....My wife and I have been together 7 years, married for almost 2. I thought everything was fine up until 5 weeks ago. She told me she was unhappy with our marriage and she wanted out, but she never did use the word divorce. I have tried to be understanding, but I have a lot of unanswered questions. She has since moved into her apartment and is now pushing to file divorce papers so that we can both get on with our lives. I want to stay in the marriage and will go through anything for us to stay together, but she is not willing to compromise at all. She won't even allow the 2 of us to get into any conversation with a 3rd party or family member at this point. Is it advantagous for me to file the papers or should I force her to do it since she is the one wanting out? Also, we want to go through the divorce process together on our terms without the attorneys screwing it up. Is this even possible? Do you know if we can just write our own terms and then take them to a mediator together?<P>Thanks.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I want to stay in the marriage and will go through anything for us to stay together<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Then you don't want a divorce. Although there may be some legal issues involved, and I'd encourage you to check with a "family friendly" lawyer---you want to delay a divorce.<P>When someone wants to hurry and "move on" with their life, you're probably safe on betting that there's an external influence involved. If you haven't been (overly) abusive to her, then my bet would be that she's having an affair.<P>Check your state laws, but if you don't agree to sign, a "no-fault" divorce usually takes at least a year. And I'd highly suggest that you start marriage counseling, all by yourself. Steve Harley at MarriageBuilder's is terrific (888-639-1639).

I most definately DO NOT want a divorce. An affair seems the most logical, but I'll never beleive it. We have both been cheated on in past relationships and I can't beleive that she would be capable of that. (Denial case!) I did consult an attorney who advised us to write up a pre-divorce contract which listed all assets and liabilities prior to her moving out along with a list of divided property. We did this, but I don't know if it will stand up in court. I have nothing to lose IF that document holds up. Our arrangement is very fair with both of us, but the attorneys can always make us fight.<P>I am currently out of town for 10 days. This is the first time in 7 years that we have gone more than 24 hours without hearng one another's voice. I told her that I was going to respect her privacy upon my return and was not going to contact her. Her birthday is 2 days after I get back. It will be hard, but I am not going to call her. If she REALLY wants the divorce, I think she'll need to file the papers. She wants her independence so I should leave all of this up to her. <P>She won't attend counseling under the pretense of saving the marriage. She did however accept to go to help me learn what was wrong with our marriage for some closure. But she won't work on the issues. Is it going to be a waste of time to have her there if our motives aren't the same? I really don't think she'll talk if she doesn't want to.

I suggest that you do the marriage counseling all by yourself---you can change the dynamics of your marriage for the better without your wife's participation. I would tend to agree that joint counseling wouldn't be very productive.

Jay,<P>Don't file for divorce unless your absolutely positive you want it, which it sounds like you don't.<P>I agree with the sole counseling for now and take it from there one day at a time. There are a lot of people here still fighting for their marraige. (read NSR's posts)<P>Good luck,Dana<BR>

Yes...<P>I heard my name being mentioned...<P>"Is it advantagous for me to file the papers or should I force her to do it since she is the one wanting out?"...<BR>...The first question I would have...<BR>...is there any need to protect yourself or are children involved???<BR>...if so... protection is important... and that would require you to file<BR>...if not... let her make the first move...<BR>...the so called "advantage" of filling first is in general not a "real advantage at all"...<P>"Also, we want to go through the divorce process together on our terms without the attorneys screwing it up. Is this even possible?"...<BR>...yes, you can do with minimal input from any attorney at all!<P>"Do you know if we can just write our own terms and then take them to a mediator together?"...<BR>...yes ...an attorney review will eventually be required... but it is just to ensure state mandated "legalities".<P><B>Now</B>...<BR>...your quote...<BR>"but she is not willing to compromise at all"...<BR>...means to me that a "mediator" will be a futile effort.<P>...your quote...<BR>"She won't even allow the 2 of us to get into any conversation with a 3rd party or family member at this point."... likewise means that mediation will not work.<P>If you truly want to fight the divorce with all your muster...<BR>...take her non-cooperation with an eye as staying married longer.<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)...<BR>This is not a "cheap" solution...<BR>...on the contrary... it is very expensive...<BR>...and may give more reason for her to recinsider the divorce (maybe).<P>To divorce or not to divorce is really your decision. I, and others, always here make the recommendation of following the Harley Principles... and start on Plan A(even if living separate)... if neccessary Plan B... and <B>then</B> move toward a divorce<P>But...<BR>...be aware ...you will suffer by losing lots of money (true in most divorces)...<BR>...everything will have to go through an attorney...unless you have lots of time to do it all yourself!<P>If your W is truly unwilling to discuss anything with you (as my W has proven to me 11+ months now... i.e. since she moved out in August 1999... without the kids)...<BR>...it will, by her own design, stretch out the divorce... My divorce is now ending it's 13th month... and I won't see a trial date (trials are only if you can't settle yourself) for about 2 more months.<P>Prayers for you... <P>Jim

Thanks all for the advice. I definately DO NOT want a divorce. I am hoping that there are some positive things that I am overlooking at this point. I don't have a lot to lose finacially and we don't have kids yet. The most I really have to lose is her and her family. I have been in contact with her family and they are all as confused as I am about this. I don't want to drag this divorce out for years, but since I don't want a divorce, I can't possibly file the papers and put the process into motion. When the time comes that I meet someone new and want to pursue a new relationship, then I will need to file the papers for myself. Even if my W is having an affair, I can never do that to her or to anyone else for that matter and would have to be divorced before I could move forward with a new relationship. The thought of meeting someone new scares the crap out of me so I don't expect that being anytime soon!

It's advantageous for you to file if you don't want the divorce. It gives you some control over how quickly things move along. <P>It sounds like you have some things to talk over, so I'd stall for time. I thought I wanted a quick divorce too, but there were so many things unresolved. I am glad now that I didn't push for the speedy end although it didn't change the ending.<P>As for can you do this without getting lawyers involved, yes. I would recommend it too if you have enough left in the relationship that you can create your own terms and leave both of you feeling satisfied. When our lawyers got involved, it always resulted in fighting. Very unnecessary.