Good Evening All,<P>Yes I am feeling a bit lonely tonight.<P>Today was the B-Day party for my D. W and I have been planning this for the past two weeks. I am so glad it is over. I am tired of dealing with her. She was just fine, no stress or anything like that. I just don't like being around her. My resentments aren't that bad I just don't want to be around her. I was very cordial toward her today but I am glad it is over.<P>I went to a meeting then out to dinner with friends afterward. Had a nice time. Now I'm home and bored and lonely. I know why. I met a wonderful ladie and have been thinking of her but the timing isn't right to start anything yet. However, it would be real nice to have her company right now.<P>Lonliness for me is the hardest thing to cope with. Most days I surround myself with intimate friends so I'm ok. It's nights like tonight that eat my lunch. Plus I'm dead-[censored] tired. I don't feel like doing a thing. I'm just lonely. I haven't felt this way in sometime and I know it will pass. Tomorrow am I have a fellowship breakfast with a group of guys so I have that to look forward to.<P>How many of you all are buying this wait two years buisness before getting involved in a relationship? How many of you buy into the first relationship after divorce is a throw away?<P>I don't know what to think of either of these philosophies. I know I don't want to sit around for another year with out companionship. And who says the first relationships has be a throw away...I do realise I haven't processed all of my feelings yet but I do think I have something to offer another person in an intimate relationship.<P>The other thing is that this goddam chastity is driving me nuts (hope I don't offend, just being honest) I need/want to get my ashes hauled but I want there to be some feelings behind the sex too. I guess I could go whore around with my friends but I know that I will still have this lonliness eating my insides, so that's out.<P>Oh well....I reckin I'll just go watch a movie or lurk and post here for a bit til this feeling passes as it always does.<P>Bill<P>------------------<P><BR>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited August 05, 2000).]

WJ-<P>I'm with you - every word.<P>I don't know if you have custody or not, but two little guys who keep you in the house all the time don't help. No I don't buy into the throw away thing. I do think I'd have a very hard time moving past "friends" tho. For me, even trusting any man is going to take time. No I don't buy into waiting 2 years. I think thats an individual thing. Think about why you dated when you were younger. Why should it be any different now that you're older and divorced? I don't want to be lonely and will go out and date if asked (or maybe I'll do the asking). I won't run straight into a relationship because I'm lonely tho. It's a fact people do that and end up divorced again, but I think that most people here have read and educated themselves and are making an effort to better themselves, so I believe there's a better chance for people like us. You have been doing that and if you feel like you want to go out with that lady, I say go for it.<P>Your ashes may still have to wait a while anyway, nothing can be done about that unless you want something cheap and meaningless (which actually on occasion has it's appeal too when I'm my evil twin sister and not in reality). I surprise myself a lot lately. Unlike my usual Christian outlook (even tho I still have my feisty Chicago south-side side), when I go to the beach with the kids I've been looking at men as hunks of meat lately. Isn't that terrible? But sometimes I just have to go into my fantasy world to keep me sane. What a pig you can be inside your head when it's BEEN A WHILE and you're were kinda used to it a lot. Not at all a Christian attitude I know. I human ok!<P>Kathy

Hi WJ<BR>My divorce isn't even final and I've been wondering the same thing. Well we've been seperated for over 5 years so it's not as if it's a new arrangement for me. Yet in all that time I didn't date, and when I finally met someone I would have been interested in I felt I should resolve my marriage first. Now that I've signed the final papers I feel like it's okay to be interested in others. <P>To answer your question, I feel that the 2 yr rule may be the best possible scenario but probably not the most realistic. No way will I last that long. And about the first relationship after divorce being a throw-away. That to me is absurd. If I met someone and he was the "right one" then I wouldn't give up just because he's supposed to be a throw-away. <BR>My only caution to that is to make sure that the women you are interested in doesn't get hurt because you jumped into it too soon before your unresolved feelings/emotions were still there. <P>When I married my husband he still had unresolved feelings about his first wife. This truly hurt our marriage. So be careful. <P>I agree with you about enjoying intimacy more when there are feelings between two ppl. I wouldn't think of being intimate with someone who I didn't know and have very strong feelings for. Reason #1 it just wouldn't be fun for me and #2 I'm scared of all the STD's out there. <P>Why couldn't you just ask this lady out and go from there. It's not as if you are asking her to marry you, it's simply a date to get to know her better. How could that be bad?<P>Good luck! (to us all)

Good Morning WilliamJ -<P>How was breakfast? Are you feeling better now?<P>Were you able to sleep well after last night's go-around with loneliness? Hope so!!!!<P>As to your two questions...hmmm?<P>Well, I don't really think about it in any time frame......I believe that when it is time for something (or someone) new to be in my life romantically - they will enter it and I will know.....<P>Their have been men around during all of this mess and I have no interest whatsoever.....so now isn't it for me. Which is logical since I am not even divorced yet!!! <P>And it has nothing to do with "need" of "getting hauled"!! LOL!!! THAT impulse comes along occassionally and is VERY strong!!! I will tell you a silly little trick that I use on myself to get past that "urge". <P>Weirded out had me laughing, cuz I, too, sometimes look at guys as "meat"!!!<P>Now remember.....I haven't gotten any since early '97' so - it is a REALLY LONG TIME!!!!!!<P>There were times that I went so far as to get all dolled (and semi-slutted) up to go out and "get some".....even got as far as into the car to leave once. But, couldn't do it!!!! Just not me and I know it....to me sex is part of LOVE. <P>Just too bad my body doesn't follow the brain and heart at those intense moments!!!! Life would be easier!!!!<P>I had it all planned out - I would go to some bar, far away.....and just pick some guy and drag him off and have my way with him (and him with me!!! YAY!!)<BR>No names.....no faces....and most importantly - NO TALKING!!!! Well, no INTELLIGENT talking anyway!!!! LOL!!!<P>So....my trick? Well, I took the "plan" and turned it into a pretty darn satisfying fantasy!!! No harm, no foul - I stay out of trouble with my integrity and out of danger with STD's.<P>The biggest perk of this.....The fantasy is usually MUCH better than the actual doing!!!!! I don't think that it would live up to what I have envisioned if I actually did do this!!!! No disappointments, nervousness or complications involved for my vulnerable emotions......<BR> <BR>My point is that I guess I have "separated" the physical urges from the love/companionship ones. I know that I really just need that love relationship - the hugs, the kisses, the warm content with someone feelings.....<P>I don't have that right now, but I know that I will again some day when I have fully healed and have worked through this enough to be able to give fully what I expect from someone myself!! No baggage will be coming along with me when it happens!!! <P>In the meantime I am not about to put myself (or the other person) through dating "boot camp".....I just don't want more to deal with. I like getting to know just "me" again!!!!<P>(Ooh, that gives me a new thread idea!)<P>Anyway, I have worked out what "works" for me - both physically and emotionally for this point in my life. Until I am truly ready by being fully healed, I will create my own solutions for loneliness, intimacy, etc that enhance who/how I want to be.<P>That is what you need to discover Bill, in whatever way you feel is good for you. If you truly feel ready for companionship (whatever kind) than you follow that!!! If you feel that you can't reciprocate fully what you are given by this other person - hold off until you can. <P>The most important consideration is that noone gets hurt!!! Whether that is you or them........<P>You are a very wise man.....your goal (and hopefully, all of our goals) is to get through this hell a more enlightened person - in knowledge, self-awareness, "human" awareness, dyamics of "needs", etc. To be conscious of your own contributions and to be realistic in your expectations of another partner - you don't really have to follow or "buy into" any timeframes for that.....<P>I think that they are good for guidelines for people who haven't really looked at their emotional processing. A lot of people do that.....just go with the "need" for another instead of being with themselves for awhile. That can be dangerous.....<P>Just be honest with yourself, about yourself and your "timeframe" is set!!!<P>Make sense? <P>Hope this helps.....hey, at least I took up about five minutes so you aren't lonely!!!!! LOL!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Dear William,<BR> I know what doesn't work ! Doing the same thing over & over expecting different results. I don't know your story but I do relate to the lonlines part. It hasn't been near long enough for me so I do know I need no one else. Because the sick is the hook. All my past hurts will be there & I will attract more of the same untill I deal with myself the good the bad & the ugly or the hurt will con't to be in my face & I will repeat the cycle of conflict with someone else. Different face same story script changes with time.<BR> billferguson.com has a wonderfull site about<BR>relationships. Check it out. I don't know about the first is a throw away or how long to wait. It is an inside job anyway.<BR> I only know I seem to do the same thing. <BR>In this last one I loved someone so much but he left. I know I had my part in that. And there are days I want him near. But these are his choices. Yet I had 100% part in the relationship. And the destruction of our love. That is what I need to heal from before there can ever be any one in my life.<BR> Tell me what you think of the site.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Gypsy

Sheba: What a wonderful insight you have into this subject. I, too, have been without since 97, but until recently have not really cared. Depression does that to a person. Learning to trust again is still something I'm working on. I have been on a couple of dates, but I wasn't ready. I agree that when the time is right I'll know. I'm still processing losing a long time marriage, and continue working on myself. I have grown in a lot of ways, but still have work to do.

Kathy,<P>I have a 4 yr old D that we have equal shared custody so half of my time I don't have her. I remeber dating when I was a teenager. In a word <B>FEAR</B> I still feel those old feelings when I think about dating but I am slowly walking through it.<P>Stronger Me,<BR>One of the things I worry about is finding the "serial monogamist" you know...the person that can't be by themselves and just runs through people until they are all used up then moves on...YUK...That is what I don't need. I want someone that is really ok with who they are and relativly happy....Yes indeed a tall order but I am learning patience.<P>Ahh Sheba, you made me smile....<BR>The breakfast fellowship was great. There were about 15 guys and we piged out on the Golden Corral buffet. Great fellowship.<P>Sleep was no problem as I was wiped out. And I feel much better today.<P>I got a kick out of your idea of getting all slutted up and going out...LOL...too bad I'm not a woman....you all have a much easier time of getting some...<P>I know that in time I will have the companionship I desire...With a woman that knows hoe to have a relationship...I think I met her but the timming isn't quite there yet but as I said I'm patient...So until then I guess I'll keep servicing myself (oops too much honesty...LOL) At least I don't have to worry about STD's...<P><BR>Bill

William, <BR> My first year I spent a lot of time with friends and my childen and even posted a few threads to this forum.<BR> My former wife is STILL "engaged" to her used card dealer, but has moved back to PA from Buffalo, NY within 60 days of getting custody of our two youngest children, after our daughter announced she wanted to live with dad.<BR> My forwer W is still engaged and her "fiance" stays over on Thursday nights for a free meal, and "companionship" before he buys some cars at Friday's auction for his bosses' dealership in NY.<BR> I went through counseling and have learned a great deal about myself and about how much I have to offer a relationship.<BR> I thought I was the perfect husband and dad, but I guess I should have started working for a used car dealership ......<BR> My oldest son and daughter have tried to encourage Dad to take out some women at work but I just wasn't ready to date, yet.<BR> A year ago I had the opportunity to re-unite with the lady I dated in college, 25 years ago!<BR> Turns out she's been a first grade teacher for 22 years and has only dated a few men and nothing ever developed.<BR> We e-mailed each other for about six months and finally got together at her church's Christmas Program, where she plays the flute in the orchestra.<BR> I was more than a little leary of this relationship combining the past with the present, plus NOW I'm a dad with three teens!<BR> As the late Minnie Pearl would say about my new found friend, "She's never been married or ANYTHING!"<BR> It is EXTREMELY difficult to enter into a relationship with a virgin who's 45 years old.<BR> We've been seeing each other about once a week since April of last year either at her house or my apartment.<BR> My children love her, but they are very amused about how naive she is about men.<BR> She spends weekends with her mom (her dad passed away 11 years ago), and her mother doesn't approve of her daughter dating a separated man with children.<BR> So we don't date in public, but spend time with each other at our respective homes.<BR> We've come to build a relationship that I'm hoping will one day end in marriage, but she's still afraid of making a committment, just like she was 25 years ago when I asked her to marry me and she told me she wasn't ready. We parted as friends and have picked up where we left off and are building on our strong friendship.<BR> I enjoy her company immensely and still I'm taking things slow.<BR> And yes, it is EXTREMEMLY difficult to know where to draw the line in intiamcy at our age, and I certainly don't want to take advantage of her and risk losing her again.<BR> But for me, she fills a definite void in my life, that I thought would never be filled by another woman, ever.<BR> There are SO many similarites in our lifestyles that at times it's really weird!<BR> My children are constantly amazed (as well as I, too!) that two people who haven't seen each other in over 25 years, have SO many things in common. <BR> We both have the same poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow displayed in our living rooms all these years, for one thing.<BR> And many of the same books as well.<BR> So I'm comfortable right now in making room in my life for her and she's comfortable making room in her life for me.<BR> My advice: when the right woman comes along you will know it.<BR> Don't rush into anything and take things slow. <BR> But is is sure HARD to keep drawing that line when we're alone together and one of these weeks I'm hoping she will cross that line ... because I'd sure like her to cross it.<P> Well, enough said for now.<BR> <BR>

Hey Bill,<BR>Welcome to the club, lonely club that is. I've been struggling with that for the past month now, since the woman I was seeing decided that our relationship wouldn't amount to more than friendship and she wanted more. I'm not sure what she expected when we only dated a month. I also wonder if I held back trying not to expose my feelings too much.<P>This past weekend I went out with a married friend of mine and we went to one of the local hot spots with all kinds of people, young people. We asked around were the "older crowd" hangs out and we were told where it was and so we went.<P>This place was a bachelor's dream. There were 2 women for every guy there in ages 30 to 60+. It was a pure meat market. Now I know how you women feel. Some of the women just stared at me and my friend.<P>We stayed around for a few hours, okay we closed the place, and went home alone. On the way home though, I thought that this is not what I want either. I chased the woman 20+ yrs ago. I really don't want to do that again.<P>Plus most of the people were really pathetic there. Guys in their disco clothes and bad toupees and women in clothes that wouldn't fit my daughter. It was truly sad in some cases.<P>So where does that leave me ? I work out of my home, I travel, and I live in small town and there aren't many single women in my church.<P>I am getting some help though. One of my d's friend's mother is single and the girls conspired to get us invited to lunch with the woman and a few other people. While leaving my d asked what the woman and I were talking about and then asked if I was seeing the other woman yet. My d then said I should ask the woman out.<P> I can't believe my d said that. I thought the kids always think the parents will get back together.<P>As for waiting, I think it is a good idea. I went out with a woman real soon after the divorce and I think I could have fallen fro her real easy. Except she wasn't interested and brushed me off, so That killed things for me right off.<P>The second woman I dated had a lot of differences than my x and that was very intriguing, but she was about 12 yrs younger than me plus she too had never been married so I had some caution flags.<P> I may have over played those flags in being cautious, but after she dumped me I wasn't heart broken either.<P>SO I'm not sure where I am headed at this point. I really don't like weekend nights when I don't have the kids.

{{{{{Bill}}}}}<P>SOrry I am joining in late, I have been real busy with my little baby.<P>First off, I hope as you get this, you are having a better day.It sounds like you had a rough time.<P>Second, I will be flamed by a few people around here, but thats ok, I'll answer your questions.<P>Sure a two year waiting period might be a good idea. Give you time to get over ex. Give you time to find yourself. Ideally, it would sound like a good thought.<P>However, what if you meet someone who really catches your attention?? Your lonely. She's available. She seems to enjoy your company. If you go slow and keep it in perspective, is it really ALL that bad for you to feel some happiness? You deserve it too.<P>I have heard that the first relationship is a throw away after the divorce. Well, OK, my first one was a throw away, my second one, is in limbo right now.<P>Unfortunately, divorce is a scary thing and not everyone deals with it on the same level. Some people, feel they have their whole life ahead of them. Others feel like, they don't.<P>I myself, happen to know what I want in life, and in the meantime, I am not planning it out. If I meet someone who I am interested in, then I'll go with it. If I don't meet someone, then it was meant to be that I have some time alone. <P>I like to be alone at times. But I don't want to be alone forever. I don't need a man to support me, or to father my kids, I just want to have a happy life with someone who I care about.<P>Some of the people who go with that two year rule, are comfortable with it. Thats great for them. Others are a little more daring and jump out there sooner. As long as the children come first and you are SAFE and go slow, you should be ok.<P>I hope Sue jumps in on this one, SUE WHERE ARE YOU!!!! <P>Oh and I do know 4 couples who are now married from their first relationship after the divorce. Guess what, they are very happy. They went into that relationship knowing it would be difficult. Knowing they both had issues, but together worked with each other, yet seperately to let issues go. There is no law, or golden rule. <P>Ultimately, and I've said this before. We all heal at different rates, we all have a different amount of strength and you have to take care of yourself and do what makes you happy. <P>You deserve at least that.<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

Gypsy,<P>Thanks for the site I think it will be helpful. I know all about doing the same thing and expecting different results....I can take it one further....doing the thing over and over knowing what the results will be yet doing it anyhow...<P><BR>db,<P>Keep working....I am<P>Don Too,<P>Best of luck to you with your old flame...I've said it before...the fickled finger of fate works both ways.<P><BR>Bob,<P>I stay away from those clubs because I know I would let some drunk woman predator take advantage of me...LOL<BR>However, at times it is an intreguing thought<fiendish grin><BR>It really says alot for your ex that your kids are trying to set you up, doesn't it?<BR>I have yet to see caution flags...I'll be sure to let you know when they appear...<P>Dana,<P>Mother of infinate grace and wisdom...<BR>I hope your child is well...<P>I too know what I want in life and have made plans and am leaving the results to God...<P>I like to hear stories of people like your friends. It give me hope...<P>I wish I could meet someone like you fine ladies here on the boards...You don't happen to live in North Carolina...LOL (kidding)...LOL<P>Anyhow, keep on keeping on...I surely am continueing to trude threw all these feelings and it is getting a hell of alot easier...We have been through an [censored]-load of junk and to coin a phrase I learned here...that light at the end of the tunnel isn't a freight train...<P>I love you all,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

RWD - When you said: "So where does that leave me ? I work out of my home, I travel, and I live in small town and there aren't many single women in my church" - it really hit home. <P>I don't work so I'm home, live in a small town, no single men in my church. You have only one thing extra and that's travel which I look at as a good thing. Wouldn't it be so great if you could meet a single person who goes to your church? I have to add on top of that list that I've been moved from my home state, few friends, no family here. I haven't worked in so long and dreaded it because child care is not my choice of how to raise my kids - but I'm starting to look forward to it to meet people and get back out there in the world.<P>The funny thing is I have a neighbor who is a matchmaker kinda lady and is putting the word out to all her friends to find me someone. So far they found me a dentist in upper Michigan who is divorced from a woman who was an executive and now he wants a homemaker next time. I don't seem to think he's going to have a problem with his search.<P>If you really want to meet single women your age, you have to go where they like to go. A few things women do: grocery shop! (altho it's tricky to talk to someone who is shopping usually w/kids in tow), hair salon (every 4-6 weeks), dept. stores (Target), parks w/kids, beaches or lakes w/kids, anywhere kids are entertained, their own yards (take more walks!), garden centers (well, that's where you'd find me), antique shops, garage sales? The hard part is being open enough and to give a friendly hello. A single woman would be flattered, unless you are totally following her around and acting goofy, then she'll call security. Also, a single woman won't be wearing a ring but have a lovely color or nail polish to draw attention to that fact! - a married one will more likely be wearing the rock. For us tho, it's hard to tell single men because they don't always wear rings if they're married.<P>Anyway - same lonely boredom, different night.<P>------------------<BR>----------<BR>Kathy

Bill,<P>Guess what?? I work at home too! With children no less. I have three kids and an ex who doesn't take them as much as I'd like. I get about 48 hours a month without them and I use a lot of that time to sleep! Oh and do you remember my old screen name???? (lonelymom)<P>I remember that feeling and I hated it. Sometimes you feel like your not as good as everyone else because everywhere you look you see people in "pairs". <P>Maybe its just me, but I have no problem meeting people. I agree with Kathi, go where they go. Church wouldn't be a bad place to start. I spend a lot of time with my friends and family and you know what, they are constantly fixing me up with people. lol<P>As far as that hangout you went to, I had to laugh when I read that. I went to a place like that a few months after my divorce. Your right, most are weirdos, but don't eliminate it completely, if you live in a small town, there's probably someone there in your shoes.<P>Now I don't know about where you live, but I can tell you where I meet quite a few people and you'll laugh,but I'm not kidding here. Home Depot or Chase Pitkin. Have you ever noticed many women in those stores?? If you see one wandering around looking lost , go up to her and ask if she needs help. Most likely she's single, because a lot of women aren't into "home remodeling", at least I'm not anyway. <P>Yes grocery stores are another good place. Take a look in her cart, you can tell by what she's got in there if she's single, has kids, its not hard at all. I actually like trying to determine who is single when I'm shopping, only because I don't notice all the couples!!<P>I'm not seeing one person in particular right now, he thought we got too close. At least try to have a clue what you want or don't want if you start seeing someone. It stinks to be on the other end, and have things move along, only to find out you were walking that path alone. <P>This will pass, you'll look back on it and realize it was a time for you to search deep inside and explore what YOU want. When your ready, I think you'll know what you want and won't be afraid to go get it. As far as the red flags you described, what's wrong with a single woman never married?? THere aren't a lot of nice guys out there. As far as the age difference, why was that a red flag? I'm 27 and I really won't talk to anyone who isn't 4-7 years older than me. If your feeling red flags, it might be that your afraid to open up and get to know this person. If your afraid, maybe your not ready. But then again, don't let fear run your life either. Think of what you might be missing!<P>WHen the time is right, and when you are ready, God will give you your true soulmate! <P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

OK, I am back in town and reading through the posts...Dana, I am here!!!<P>I think the most important thing is that we are still growing..we are looking into ourselves and have learned from the past and are preparing to move on. <BR>The two yr thing is I believe a good idea if you are not yet over your x, are extremely conflicted on why your marriage is over, or you are just really struggling internally with depression or other really serious issues. <P>I think for most of us here, we have seen our errors in our own marriages, are ready not to do them again, and I have to say for me, I enjoy the company of the opposite sex and that kind of relationship. I believe we all find that when we have been married for a long time, the loneliness is the hardest. <P>Dating is a way to reconnect with life. It is scary, it can be disappointing at times, but it is an adventure as well. We can learn about ourselves even more when going through this experience again in our lives.<P> Whether the first one is a throw away or not, again depends on the circumstances. Remeber when we first dated?? Some of us met the love of our lives right away, others went through many to find someone we were compatable. I believe the first one can be "the one". It is an individual thing. <P>I have been seeing the same person now for several months. It is comfortable, is feels right. I just am taking my time and seeing how it develops. But I have no interest in dating any one else now. <P><P>------------------<BR>Susan

Bill,<BR>You need to find a way to deal with your loneliness before getting involved with someone new. Finding a new person won't fix it. There will always be times in your life when you feel alone, even when you are involved with someone else. <P>As far as the sex part goes, I know how you feel. I too am tempted to go out and have a quickie with a relative stranger. You say you want to have feelings, though, and you just aren't ready (IMO) if you are looking at a relationship to fix your problems.<P>

It took almost 2 years after my x left before I could breathe again - or so it felt. I was that devastated. Then I began to think of myself as divorced. I was so relieved when we finally got through in court. I think I could have started dating right then though I don't think it could have been anything more than casual dating. <P><BR>Finally, 1-1/2 yrs. after divorce was granted, I got tired of waiting for someone to come along. Some friends and I joked about personal ads and so I got brave, took the plunge, and placed one. Hey, no men at work, no men at school, no men at church (only couple who married from church connections were on their way to a divorce in under a year), no men anywhere I go - couldn't find one anywhere not that I truly needed one - I just wasn't meeting any. Unless you want to count the computer geek who worshipped me but was 20 years younger or the smoker with long fingernails and Donelaps disease, his belly has done lapped over his belt.<P>So, second guy who answered my ad left really short message. Blew him off. He called back and left a long message that sounded promising. When I finally reached him, we talked for 2 or 3 hrs. Hit it off beautifully. Met a few weeks later. Have been seeing each other for 3 months. None of the other responses turned out to be promising. This guy - who knows - might turn out to be something, might not. Probably won't just based on statistics.<P>The biggest problem is there is so much chemistry. I've never been in a relationship where there was so much attraction. It's most challenging and we spend a lot of time together needing cold showers. I don't know what the deal is - is it the need for affirmation. Is it just about us without the baggage of what we have both been through? How do you know?<P>How do you resolve these conflicts and work out these solutions?

Cindy-<P>I cannot believe you did that!! You actually placed an ad? That seems pretty scary to me because of the weirdo factor. You're pretty courageous.

TheStudent,<P>I'm feeling much better about things today. I agree 100% that a relationship won't fix me. I guess my thread was written because the biggest thing I have learned is self-acceptance. The biggerst thing about self-acceptance is getting gut honest about how I feel. Saturdaynight I was feeling extremely lonely so I took some of it's power away by shareimg how I felt inside. To do otherwise would be denial. I have a close group of friends that I hang out with and for the most part my needs are met. However, for me I cannot deny the fact that I have a nedd for intimate relations with a female that I'm attracted to. Will this make me happy...no it won't, I will derive some happiness from the relationship, this I cannot deny, but it won't make me whole.<BR>Thank you for continueing to keep my motives in check.....<B>PLEASE DON"T STOP</B> I need your valued opinion.<P>Dana,<BR>Thanks for the shopping tips...I'll keep my eyes peeled in Home Depot...LOLOLOL<P>Bill

Bill,<P>Hi there. I hope you didn't think I was being too hard on you. I'm glad you shared with all of us. There is nothing wrong with being lonely and wishing for companionship. <P>My past inability to deal with loneliness in a constructive way cost me my marriage (which was my ex's problem too, IMO, but we won't go there). So, when I feel lonely now, I actually embrace it in a way. There are days I let myself completely wallow in it (as you can tell from some of my posts). After awhile, it's like. Hmph. I'm lonely. Ok, nothing tooo terrible happened, and oh-ma-gosh, I actually enjoyed doing that by myself for a change....Wierd, but I think this loneliness thing is something I'm going to have to stare down. I'm keeping my own motives in check too. <P>Someone mentioned a home improvement store. I thought that was a good suggestion. I swear I'm there at least 2 days a week. I do get some admiring looks (or is it shock?) when guys see me carry a 50 ft. roll of chain link fence all by myself. Ya know, the Home Depot near me even has a little restaurant inside. I caught some guy staring at me just today from inside the cafe while I was walking past with my hedge trimmers and electrical wire. He was kinda cute too, but I had stuff to do.

TheStudent,<P>If my toes are out there step on them...I need it, you weren't too hard on me.<P>You made me laugh heartily...I enjoy seeing your happy side...I just hope the fence isn't going to be built around your heart. You deserve the happiness you seek.<P>I too embrace those feelings and wallow in them. When I got clean from drugs they told me that the good new was I'll get my feelings back and the bad news was I'd get my feelings back. Feelings are so damn fickled sometimes.<P>I'll bet you were looking good toteing your hedge trimmers and electrical wire in your yard working clothes. Every man's dream. The self-assured woman taking care of buisness.<P>I'm still chuckling. I like this side of you, don't ever change friend.<P>Bill<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited August 07, 2000).]