I appreciate all the comments here and can speak from the perspective of someone trying to build back what I and my wife once had. After a couple of years of relationship neglect, and certainly some love-busters, my wife has said that she does not love me anymore, and that she does not desire a relationship with me except as "co-parents" to our two children. She has stated that she "will not allow herself" to feel about me, or anyone else, the way she did for me, and expose herself to the risk of being hurt as she was. She thinks "marriage is a sham", and that "men are pigs", myself included. I did not have an affair, nor did she, but certainly my behaviour has left much to be desired.<p>My problem now is that which I see repeated again and again in these posts. She is satisfied with the arrangement of us co-parenting our kids, but remaining eemotionally seperate, but I cannot do that. She may not love me, but I love her, and I have made it clear to her that I have not given up on us working towards love again. I work each day with this in mind, and treat her very well. The real problem is that no matter how I try too kid myself, I know that she does not feel the same, and that she does not desire what I desire. At least once a week, or so, her verbal attacks on how "all men are slime", and "even her own marriage has been destroyed by lousy men", and other hateful comments, push me past my limits. I get very frustrated and upset at what I see as direct attacks against me. This usually escalates into an all out verbal war which lasts for hours and usually leaves me emotionally distraught and crying and her, emotionally calm, in bed getting some sleep.<p>I feel like I have failed as a husband and partner to my wife, who I love verry much. I do not know how long I can go on feeling as I do and stay together. However I feel like if I leave, I am abandoning my two sons, who I also love very much. I just cannot seem to go on and hold things together. Most of the time we are civil, and wwhen the kids are around, she puts on a good act, but after the kids are in bed at night, I experience withdrawl from her affections, and I dont know what to think anymore.<p>I am not a patient person by nature, nor is she. I dont think that I can hold on for years, if that is what it takes, to convince her to try at a relationship with me again. It is simply too painful, to all encompassing. <p>After 7 months now, I no longer know what to do. Any advice or encourragement is appreciated.<p>

SORRY - DOUBLE POST<p>[This message has been edited by Matt (edited 12-21-98).]

Matt, I hate to say this, but you will never make her see the relationship as viable if you continue to allow the situation to drive you to arguing and fighting. She will never respond to that.<p>What you have to do is realize that, at least for the time being, you are the only one interested in improving your relationship. You can change your relationship simply by refusing to be drawn into arguments. You can change your relationship by eliminating anything your W has identified as a "Love Buster". You must do this if you ever want her to even communicate with you.<p>And you will have to work hard and realize that it took years for her to feel this way, it's not going to be fixed very quickly, either.<p>terri

Thanks Terri for your response.<p>I will continue to work towards her feeling differently. It seems at times like the roller coaster ride we are on is just in an endless loop. There are good days and bad days.<br>

Matt<p>Seems like we are in the same boat. I am really frustrated that I have gone and seriously injured our relationship and want to do what is needed to fix it. Our main problem is that I did'nt show that she and my son came first. My mother always seems to say or do something that offends my wife and instead of sticking up and calling my mom out about this, I just let it slide. She has now said that she doesn't love me any more, and I can't do anything to change that. We are goinr to counseling after the first of the year, and hopefully things can get better. I try to keep my distance from anything that might cause an arguement, and I feel even worse because the tension is so bad. She has asked me to move out (trial Separation) and I am beginning to think that I'll have to go. Like you I feel like I am abondoning my son. I would like to know if any women have an idea on how not to hurt my wife again....<p>

Matt, your wife is provoking you. Sounds pretty straight forward? It is not-it is a cylce of anger that you are seeing. An unconscious need, perhaps to control. The statement you made that you become emotional while she is calm and sleeps shows her insecurity. As she demands more time, attention, etc, it provokes you. There are some good books on this types of relationship. One i can think of off hand is the Angry Marriage by Maslin.