Well, we made it through another date without ripping our clothes off. Brief nod to the fact that ......<P>Why is it you talk more sincerely if you keep your hands off each other a little more?

Cinderella,<P>Because your brain isn't preoccupied!!! <P>Mitz

But it's the best preoccupation I've ever found. <P>Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!!!

Cinderella,<P>I need to find something to preoccupy my brain! <P>Mitz

You know, I don't know which is tougher - fretting because you're nonvoluntarily abstinent or fretting because you feel you should be voluntarily abstinent.

I would have to say involuntary abstinence. Only because you didn't make the choice, it was made for you. <P>Mitzi

Hi Guys!!<P>The first sexual experience I had after divorce was really special to me. One of my x and my issues was sexual fulfillment. I had shut down to him sexually. Not completely, but enough that I made him feel I was not interested. And, for the most part, I wasn't. He drank quite a bit, seemed to be into his own experience and not mine, and I just lost "that feeling". Of course, after discovery I tried. But it was too late. <BR>So, I took the plunge with my friend. I felt sexually attracted to him, and I guess I wondered if I would shut down with any man. But I had a very fulfilling experience, more so than I thought I could at 46. He is extremely giving, and thoughtful of my pleasure, which makes all the difference in the world. <BR>It is wonderful to feel like a complete human again..I had hurt so much, and now I feel that there is life again. I am a believer in us meaning to be with another, in a full and complete way. I am very lucky to have found that again. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sorry to but in--<P>I found myself slightly "in the mood "today. I got sick when I realized it. The feeling went away fast when I remembered the last time I had sex was two weeks ago with my STBX. I wanted to puke. I hope this feeling goes away someday. <P>At any rate, wouldn't it be nice if you could go into a relationship where both partners were using the same principles or were reading the same books (ie, Harley)? That would be terrific! Tpo talk about it all seems to make so much sense. <P><BR>

Just thinking about this gives me the need for a cold shower. A few months ago I wondered about my apetite and stamina. Now I wonder how I'm going to go out on a date and not.... <P>But not with any man.<P>I think I'm still a "good girl" but right now I wonder. Is this a one-time lapse or have I "gone around the bend." I'm just perplexed. Maybe I will always be perplexed.<P> <BR>

Well, Sue, you know I think we had the same marital experience. I too felt no desire for my x after time. He was always drinking beer and would become so obnoxious and it would be such a turn off. The only time I could pull it off would be if I had been drinking too. But, I lost interest in drinking all the time, and then our sex life really ended. He knew I was interested but he wasn't about to change his behavior so that I might be interested again. This went on for way to many years. To the point, I started wondering if there was something wrong with me. I started wondering if maybe something traumatic happened to me when I was younger that was hidden away in my subconscious.<P>After the divorce, I did start dating and found that sex is not a problem for me. I was surprised. I never expected to feel this way. I now know it wasn't me, it was not ever feeling loved and wanted. Because, when I have that, it works just fine.

Cinderella,<P>No, I don't think you've gone around the bend. I think you are in conflict between the very rigid religious upbringing, and your natural desires.<P>I think if you realize that sex is ok between consenting adults, and the relationship has alot of future potential, then it is ok.<P>My humble opinion is now, that sexual compatibility is very important, look at Mike C2, Dogbert, and some of the other situations on the EN board. If there is a mismatch, it can be very frustrating to either person. I know it was to me. The messages I was told was that lots of women don't like sex.<P>So in order to think seriously about a relationship, it needs to be tested and tried out. words do not always match up with the results.<P>So I think you need to not worry about the past experiences, but come to terms with your religious beliefs, and understand how the beliefs either make your life better or more complicated. It may not be the sex, which is a natural process, it may be the religious beliefs, which tries is trying to prevent unwanted pregnancies, and promiscuous behavior.<P>You know, if this is only the second person, I would not be ashamed, I would be proud if I were you that you only slept with serious dating material, and didn't just sleep around with anyone, or even jump at the first opportunity. you do have a good thought process about who you will share your body with, and it isn't for anyone, unless they are very special.<P>good luck<P>thl<P>

Cinderella:<P>I tend to agree with thl. I had a very strict religious upbringing and it is hard to allow yourself to be sexual outside of marriage with that type of upbringing. Have you thought about talking to your minister or someone at your church about this? I have thought about it but haven't because I think I know what they will say. I have also talked to my therapist and he doesn't think that I should feel like a sinner because I am having sex with a man I am dating exclusively. He doesn't really believe in sin. So, you will hear all kinds of views on this. I have started to change my thinking on this. There are very good reasons to abstain but if you feel that this is what you really need to do right now, then you should do it. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself but I certainly can relate to how you feel. I even stopped going to church for a while because I felt like such a hypocrit. Then someone told me that if you had to be perfect in order to go to church, the pews would be empty. <P>Of course, I am no expert. Just my feelings on the subject.<P>Jennifer<BR>

thl and Jennifer - <BR> <BR>Thanks. I'm feeling a bit better about this. Yeah, it is a bit hard to keep my clothes on but - if I wanted to sleep around I could have done a lot of that. <P>I ended up marrying the first person I had sex with though he will never admit that it was basically a date rape situation the first time. <P>Since the d, I certainly could have done worse. This man is a wonderful guy but I don't know that it's going to be a long-term relationship. <P>As far as talking to one of the ministers at my church is concerned, that was a ROFLMAO thought - good idea, just wouldn't work in my situation. I work in the church office. It would be like sitting down and telling a male co-worker about my sex life. It would make coming to work a bit difficult. What they would tell me is that they don't approve, pray about it, and avoid situations where it might happen. But I'm not going to hell over this. Being a "serial sinner" intentionally and trying to pray it away isn't a good thing. But God honors our struggles and, if we are trying, He's always there to listen and provide strength.<P>So, last week wasn't quite as hard. Maybe one day I'll get it all worked out.<P>The scary thing is, if you choose the wrong person, you can ruin your health. Afterall, AIDS is one of the less epidemic STDs.

Cinderella,<BR>My sister waited for 6 months to have sex with a guy she dated. Said he loved her, he was a doctor (so you'd think low risk) etc. He ended up giving her a pretty virulent form of genital herpes the very first time they had sex. When she confronted him, he dumped her. She later found out that he knew he had it. My sister has slept with maybe 4 men her entire life. Her first boyfriend, who she dated for 4 yrs and didn't have sex with for the first year, her ex-husband, a close friend after her divorce, and this last loser. Very tragic and ironic, considering all the cheap sex I had as a teenager and never caught anything. Of course, I've been tested to death by now and it would be just my luck to catch something now that my morals have changed!!<P>I did want to say something that might make you feel better. I get the impression that you feel "bad" for wanting sex(?). I think it is great that you feel this kind of chemistry with someone. How fantastic would it be to be married to someone you had that kind of chemistry with! It is hard in the interim, though, to really determine if what you are feeling is a binding, responsible type of love or just lust. I hope you aren't feeling too guilty or bad for feeling so attracted to him, that is all. It is just how you channel all that energy is what is important.

Cinderella,<P>Don't blow the STD possibility out of proportion. One can get tested for that before having sex.<P>The important part is that you shaould feel comfortable knowing that you are sexually compatible with the BF, and that is a big plus.<P>You are taking it slow, and seriously thinking through all steps, which you should get an A+ from your MB supporters here.<P>By the time you find your next LT relationship, you should be well on the way to understanding yourself, and him, and your situation.<P>ROTFLMAO was what i thought also after you mentioned that you work for the minister. However, there are many, many worse sins in life that could happen to you, and that repentance woon't help in the least.<P>You are on the right track, and keep thinking through the religious implications so you can come to terms with it, and help you through this conundrum called LIFE!<P>good luck, see you in bananaville!<P>thl<BR>

Yes, you can get checked out, and your friend can , too. I would strongly recommend it, in todays day and age, to have an AIDS test done. <BR>My friend and I both did. <P>I think the most important thing is to know where your head is...sex can complicate the issues, esp if you feel that sex is a commitment of sorts. Be ready for it not to work out, be ready to feel some pain if it doesn't, but also be ready for the wonderful feeling that being with another person can bring to your life. <BR>Some are farther along in recovery than others. Some may never be ready, nor want it. Others will think they are ready, and if it doesn't work out, it throws you for a loop. <BR>If it does work, then it wil have it's ups and downs as any relationship does. <P>But isn't that what life is all about??<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Cinderella,<P>AHA! I think I understand more even more with something you said! I felt terrible guilt about having sex, when I thought I was just having sex. My internal battle is pretty much gone, because I have determined my relationship to be pre-marital sex, which is a heck of alot different than sex between two consenting adults, who care for each other. <P>Yes, I do trust him that I wouldn't get any stds, but as was discussed in a different thread, no birth control method is 100%. I don't take that possibility lightly - If God forbid, I needed to change my name to Sarah, I know that he and I would marry immediately. No question, it would just hasten an outcome I expect to happen - we both expect it to happen, we are just going very very slowly... some might say (and have - painfully slowly) I honestly don't expect to be with any other man. Now, I know I can't see the future, but that is how I feel now.<P>Good luck, Cinderella. I'm looking forward to meeting you!<P>

Well, no wonder you are having a problem with religion and sex. I missed somewhere along the way that you work in the church office. Too funny!!<P>Seriously, I hope you can work through all your confusion on this issue.<P>Jennifer

Yeah - and I didn't start seeing this guy until the weekend before I started working here. It's just to weird. The next time the Family & Involvement minister asks how my love life is going, maybe I should tell him an exageration of the truth and see what his reaction is then tell him I'm just teasing. It might be worth it.<P>Do I think I'll end up married to this guy. No. Do I think he's healthier emotionally than my x? Way healthier. Can he afford me? Not unless something changes. Has potential for appropriate spouse but money is a big issue. I don't want a rich man (would be nice though) but I want one with finances in moderation. He may be too much of a confirmed bachelor. And he wants a biological child. I have 2 and I'm 44. (My mother lost a fullterm, stillborn, multiply-handicapped child at my age.)<P>Do I have an STD issue with this guy. No. I think he would tell me the truth and I have asked. I've asked other tough questions and gotten what truly appear to be honest answers.<P>I think it is the committment thing that bothers me. If I felt we were going to marry, I'd feel a lot less guilt. This is only consensual sex not committed sex although it is monogamous. He did think it was odd that I had an IUD - it's been there for 7 years and hasn't caused any problem, why remove it if I might "conceivably" use it even though I hadn't had sex in more years than we want to discuss. <P><BR>

Lots of questions you are asking yourself.<P>Marriage? You never know.<P>Sex? I think you will always feel a little guilty until you are married because of your upbringing.<P>STDS? I too trusted the man I was seeing but got really nervous at one point that this was way too risky, so we both got tested and we are both ok. That was a tremendous relief and it only took a few days to find out. I think it is definitely worth doing.<P>Working at the Church: The timing seems too much of a coincidence to me. I believe people come into our lifes for a reason. I think you should jokingly feel out the minister's thoughts on the issue. It probably can't hurt if done the right way.<P>Take Care,<P>Jennifer