I am looking for some advice or at least some success stories of spouses remaining friends after a divorce. My (ex)wife and I have been together for 7 years and she has recently filed for divorce. We still have a great deal of love and respect for one another and are trying to remain friends. I am having a hard time with this because I don't want to lose her. As hard as it is, I do the best emotionally if I don't have any contact with her, but I really miss her.<P>If I can work through the heartache of being with her on just a friendship level, do you think there it is possible to maintain a friendship after a divorce?

My wife and I are trying the same thing, I don't know if it is possible! I do know that all I can do this afternoon is think of her and I don't know what to do.<P>I have not had sex for about 3 months and I really desire her. I have even been dreaming of her but of course I can't tell her that as it would probablt turn her off.<P>Jayhawk (is that because your from kansas)if so I am in Nebraska. We are neighbors!<P>It is a great question, but if your wife still loves you why are you getting divorced?

Even after all my H has put me through I still think we can remain very close friends. Sometimes I really wonder if that is all we have been for along time now. I feel I would be very unfair to myself if I didn't at least try to maintain a good relationship with him. Our kids still need both of their parents and I would like it if we could still go to school functions together ect. I don't think I will ever truely be able to forgive what he has done. That is why I am pushing for the divorce, but even though I can't live with him as my H I would still like him to be apart of my life.<P>Jill

We have been divorced for almost a year. He came back in February and wanted to get remarried. I was a little unsure, but eventually decided that I liked the idea and we started to date and make plans. Unfortunately, he did not stop sleeping with a woman that he had started a relationship with during the divorce process. The OW recently moved in with a new guy after my ex moved back in with me and my ex is in withdrawals from losing her. I recently found out that he had been cheating on me, but I am willing to work on our relationship now that the two-timing is over.<P>Problem: He is in withdrawals and very upset about losing her to another man. He is no longer sure if he wants to get remarried to me or not, but he wants to remain friends. What do you do if one partner wants to remain "just friends" and the other partner wants more?<P>------------------<BR>Jennidy

How can you be friends with someone who broke a life-time commitment? Or, if you are the one who broke the commitment, why would they want to be friends with you? I can understand being on civil terms, and even being nice, but could never be friends. That priviledge is reserved for people I trust.<P>My ex wanted to be friends after our divorce too, but I think it is a cop-out. He wanted all the perks of knowing me, wanted the emotional benefit of staying in my life, but didn't want the effort of repairing our marriage. I consider that weak and selfish.<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited September 18, 2000).]

Man TS - you just said it all.<P>My H wanted to be friends. I put the kabosh on that! I don't see how people can stay "friends" either. It doesn't mean you have to hate and do evil things to eachother or anything like that, just be civil like you said. I have never had a friend who lied to me like he did, talked badly about me to everyone he knew and to everyone at his work without my knowledge he was doing it, sneaked around with women all the time, never came home, made no time for his children, embarrassed me by not going to family functions with us because he was tired or had other things to do, cursed me out in front of neighbors outside and then by that night was ready for lovemaking. All the while, I kept forgiving over and over. The really bad things didn't happen often so he was easily forgivable, and the other things I wasn't aware of. But in the final analysis, this is a man who disrespected me as much as a human being possibly could - let alone someone that I was supposed to be "one" with. Why would I want to be his friend now that he's abandoned me and the children, and ON TOP OF THAT he now purposely quit his job to force the sale of the house, etc. And still, when he does call, he's all cheerful and stuff like he's trying to be FRIENDS! Forget it!<P>The funny thing is that he actually had the nerve to tell me that I'd actually like OW if I knew her. I told him I'll pick my own friends, thank you - and he's not going to be one of them. <P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

I just wanted to wish you all luck - I wanted to stay friends with my Ex(husband) I always looked at it as the best way to continue to raise our daughters together, but he refused to be civil about it and managed to create major havoc in everyones life and continues to make it worse and worse. Keep working at it, everything I have read tells me that children of divorce are better off when the two parents can at lease be civil to one another and work throught the kids life together.<BR>

I think the irrational one makes it difficult to stay friends. I am trying, although I talk pleasantly, say hi, STBX wants total control, or to make me look like a bad guy because she desperately wants to look like a good guy after knowing this is all her wishes.<P>I think the selfishness of the situation is what makes friends difficult. especially where there are other people involved.<P>it sucks, big time, but life is not always fair, and we learn the most from our mistakes. We can't control other people, we can only stand up for what we believe.<P>I think that Divorce is often a power struggle, for one person who wants out for something better. It is very difficult for the W to allow care of the kids where the W thinks that the H is a jerk, doesn't have the correct values, etc. And I resent that, because kids need to see different viewpoints, but it becomes control issues, that is what it is for couples.<P>couples who get divorced usually can't communicate correctly in the first place, possibly without knowing oneself, possibly due to personality conflicts, and inability to further educate themselves.<P>so it is unusual that the H gets alot of time allowed by the W as a W to not have it is a stigma of weak motherhood. In the old days, it was assumed that the H just had an affair and walks away from the kids. Now adays, it is different, swinging more towards dads are important also.<P>thl<P>thl<P>thl

I am glad someone recognizes the importance of dads!

I agree with TS. One wants the perks of the relationship without the responsibility. My H just told me he wants a divorce; he didn't ask to be friends, but I know he will. He's hinted at it. We are best friends enjoy each other's company for the most part. (He "can't live with me.") But I think it's a cop out. He wants me in his life because of what I can give him. He can't give me what I need, so I don't want him in my life. (We have no children, so it's quite different for us).<p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited September 25, 2000).]

I'm beginning to agree with TS and GSD. I love my wife, but since she isn't willing to work on our marriage she isn't earning the right to still be a part of my life. I haven't had ANY contact with her for a week now and I feel much stable and stronger with myself because of it.<P>No matter how much I love and care about her, there is a part of me that will never be able to forgive what she has done.

I think if kids are involved. it is very important to try to remain as civil as possible. Not that you have to be friends, but maintain a connection for the kids. <BR>If no kids are involved, I see no reason that after the D is final, you should have to ever talk to them again, unless a friendship is what you want.<P>------------------<BR>Susan

He is moving out today. He still wants to stay friends and hints about wanting to have a relationship with me in the future.<P>I want to have a relationship with him. I do not think that I could be "just friends" if he starts to see someone else again.<P>There are no kids involved, but he talks about wanting to have kids with me quite often. I am willing to stay friends, because I am hoping for something more in the future. I am hoping that he just needs a little space as "just friends" to decide if he wants to have a relationship with me or not, because right now he is very confused and gives me mixed messages. I am following my Plan A.<P>Has anybody else ever gotten divorced, remained friends, and then remarried?<P>------------------<BR>Jennidy

My thoughts from the beginning of have been that as long as our divorce was not final that I would be willing to reconcile and start joint counseling at any point, no question. But once the divorce is final I don’t know how I would feel if she wanted to start working it out.<P>I think that if she was willing to work it out, that she should have figured that out before allowing the situation to get out of control. How could I possibly trust her and be willing to let myself get hurt by her again if she decided to just pack up and move out in the future?<P>Once the divorce is final, I am going to start dating and I’ll just have to see. If she comes back around and I’m available, I’ll consider it then. However, if I am committed to a new relationship, then she is just going to be SOL because she had her chance and she blew it. That’s just a truth that she will have to deal with herself.<P>As for people getting divorced then remarried? I’ve heard of it, but have never seen it myself.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited September 26, 2000).]

Ok, here's my experience....<P>Robert is my second husband. Kristin's father and I were married for 10 years and divorced when she was very little. The marriage was lousy...many serious problems that we won't go into here. Infidelity (His) was involved, but NOT the reason for divorce. I left him and he was angry. Amazingly angry.<P>The divorce was nasty. Custody arguments, property arguments, stalking, you would not BELIEVE.... it lasted way too long.<P>But...because of Kristin, we agreed to be civil. As time went on and we got out emotions and selfishness and egos in check (sorry, guys, but they all play a part), we developed a fairly good relationship. Actually, when he became engaged, he brought her HERE to meet me to see what I thought. (she and I became great friends, they never did marry). He calls from time to time, sometimes to talk to Kristin, sometimes to me. Heck ,he and Robert can talk an hour or more.<P>Yeah, I guess you'd say we're friends...but it took a while...Kristin's 16 now. He lives a ways away from us (not far from WilliamJ - how about that, Bill? )and he's not exactly what you'd call a devoted father (in fact not even a semblance of a father), but we do share some sort of bond BESIDES Kristin. He's always said I was his best friend....guess that didn't change a whole lot...except for that short time right after the separation and divorce when we were both pretty self-centered.<P>So, yeah, it's possible and, I believe, very healthy.<P>Lori

Jayhawk93,<P>---------------<BR>"Once the divorce is final, I am going to start dating and I’ll just have to see. If she comes back around and I’m available, I’ll consider it then. However, if I am committed to a new relationship, then she is just going to be SOL because she had her chance and she blew it. That’s just a truth that she will have to deal with herself."<BR>---------------<P>I agree. I did want to relate one thing my counselor (doctor, whatever you want to call him) said to me: He said that because we were so young in getting married, there is a chance things could come back around - even after a divorce. He said that she may truly need to feel "on her own" right now and she may believe that she can't do that without a divorce. But that once the divorce settles in, and she experiences what it is like "out there", she may indeed see our "marriage" in a new light and she may then want to see if it can be salvaged.<P>But I agree with you that it can only happen if you are willing as well. It is a chance she is taking, not you. If you meet someone else and she comes back, then it is in fact her loss. But if she comes back and you still have feelings for her, then who knows, maybe it just "was meant to be".<P>We (me & you) both are young, and it sounds like mentally, our wives are a lot younger. Given time, maybe they will grow up. If we are still there for them, maybe things will work, but if not we should not have any doubts that we did the best we could.

My ex and I get along very well and that surprises a lot of people, especially those who know what happened. I think that time and growth has a lot to do with it; sometimes it seems like it all happened to somebody else and I can look back on it with a certain detachment. There's no more anger, no more wanting or missing him - or the feeling of "needing" anybody else for that matter. Does that mean I've gotten over it? Hmmm... <P>We've got kids (3), and thus far he's been very involved with them and that probably makes it easier. I don't know if "friends" is the word for it, though. I mean, he's certainly not somebody I'd call for a chat, but he is probably the first person I'd call if my truck broke down and I know he'd be there. We email jokes to each other as often as we send them on to anyone else, borrow CDs and movies, and sometimes have dinner out with the kids when the occasion comes up. I remain part of the family on his side, though he's been disowned by mine. That kinda makes it tough to plan birthday parties for the kids though.<P>Jennidy - if I read your posts correctly - and please forgive me if I'm not, I have to wonder how you could even consider remarriage to your ex knowing that he was seeing someone else while telling you he wanted to come back.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie

Jayhawk93,<P>My H wants to remain friends and business partners, act just as if nothing had changed and life goes on, only we aren't married anymore.<P>I think he found out by the reactions of our girls that he has lost a lot. I'm still the one he talks to about things, his sounding board. Matter of fact, am more so now than before he moved out. He was my best friend, and that is so awful in that when I get totally down, he's the one I call and he's the problem.<P>H moved out Aug 1st, wants a divorce, but doesn't want to pay all that money to the attorneys, wants to take his time so that he is better off financially and to prove to me he's a good guy and not out to screw me over. OK, that means I am sitting back waiting for his convenience. My attorney said get in there and file a response for my own self protection, so H will be served that on Tuesday. <P>I guess I will see how his idea on "friends" is when that happens. It is a bad situation, our marriage could easily be fixed by using MB tools, but he is adamant that he doesn't want to try. So, why should I keep him as a friend? He's shown me nothing but disrespect and has lied so much. Trust isn't there, so how could he be a friend?<P>He will realize one day what he lost, 2 wonderful girls and a wife who loved him. I just posted in EN about how I married Scrooge, and the angels hadn't been by to show him what his miserly ways have done to many yet. I do love him, but right now I am finding myself again, and learning to like what I find.<P>Lori

Having read through everyone's posts here, I would say I am one of the few that has been able to maintain a friendship with my x. <P>I think the ability to remain friends depends on how bad your x treated you during the marriage, divorce, etc. My x hurt me deeply when he decided to leave but he felt a tremendous responsibility to the kids and me after he left and was extremely generous in the proceedings so that I was able to get a new house (we couldn't afford to keep the old house) and he is always there for the kids.<P>I know he still cares for me and I care for him. Therefore, we have an amicable relationship. We don't go out to dinners or chat on the phone, but we do joke around with each other here or there, and help each other out when we can. When you do have kids, you can't just say goodbye to each other and walk away. You see each other all the time. It was really hard in the beginning not to be upset when I saw him, but once I worked through a lot of the pain and loss of our marriage, it became easier to just let things go and just get along.<P>I know my kids are happy to see us get along. They hate it when we fight and if they see me cry. I avoid that as much as possible. When we were married, that happened all the time. It rarely happens now. So, that is the one positive aspect of this divorce. The kids do not see there parents constantly fighting anymore.<P>I also think I have been able to remain friends because my kids are actually adjusting very well to this divorce. He is always with them and they know that we both love them very much. If they were emotional wrecks because of all this, I wouldn't be able to be friends at all with him. <P>Jennifer

Hi 711, <P>I think my relationship maybe is turning into one more like yours (gee I hope so!) but it depends on my husband. Unlike yours, mine pretty much walked away from the kids and all responsibility for 2 years - he grudgingly provided child support, but on the court's demand, not his own volition. I wasn't able to see any good in him, because he was causing so much hurt to me, and mostly to my boys. <P>The last year, I have pretty much held my breath, waiting for him to walk away from then again - that is what I expected from his past behavior, when the "girl" was in his life. I saw his participation in the kids life coincide with when she left him, I truly believed he was just filling a void in his life - not that he particularly cared about filling the void in theirs. I was fearful of the effect on my children, if he got a new girl, and just disappeared again.<P>But the last couple months have been different, somehow, he has become a gentler person, more reliable, and I see the effort on his part, to be a better father. That was what I needed, to relax, and be more "normal." I am actually starting to trust him again, and I never thought I could.<P>I can't ever by buddies again like we were - we were each other's best friend - that relationship can never be resurrected - but it certainly will be nice to be able to attend the children's events together, without stifling tears. <BR>