ZAPFT,<P>First, I'm very, very sorry your ex decided not to restore your marriage. You know what everyone says... Things she is running away from in your marriage are things that will catch up to her later. I know that is small consolation. Just know that I do feel for you.<P>I said earlier that one of my biggest problems is that I can't imagine a truly decent guy wanting someone with my background.<P>I thought about this somemore and realized that this is my ex talking. His idea of "decent" is someone who is perfect, I guess. What is funny is that he holds his significant others to a much,much higher standard that he holds himself. My problem is that I hold myself to a standard that is much higher than I hold others to.<P>You asked:<BR>"The question I would ask is what is different about you now than from the past? What was it about you that allowed you to behave in those ways and what understanding have you gained and changes have you made?"<P>I think I've been discounting alot of the things I've learned, because my learning experiences were never important to my ex. I've had it drummed into my head for so many years that I'm a terrible person for having made some bad choices in my life. Of course, this same kind of judgement did not apply to him. <P>"A person that does not take the time to get to know you as you are now and rejects you immediately because of your past is not a decent guy." <P>Well, my ex didn't reject me immediately. He stuck around and tortured me with his judgements, punishment, and condescension. What I have to ask myself is why did I let him do that to me? Before we got married, it was isolated incidents, and things that did not bother me too much. His behavior got worse after we were married. After my confession, his behavior was downright cruel.<P>Long story short, he pretended to accept me, then later leveraged this knowledge to wheedle out of me whatever control he could get. <P>I reread some of my last post too. Giving up is so opposite to everything I've ever done, so you'd think giving up on finding a life-time partner would also be against my grain. It is. That is why I keep coming here and bashing my head against the wall. There is a part of me that doesn't want to give up. The other part of me can't imagine ever going through this kind of pain ever, ever, EVER again. Going through the dating scene, getting dumped over and over, ugh. The things I imagine I'll have to go through before I do find someone willing to stick with me for life is pretty hard for me to stomach. <P>It occurred to me yesterday that I've never fully dealt with my deep abandonment and rejection issues stemming from my childhood. I know that is one reason why I cheated. I couldn't handle my ex's rejection, so I ran to someone else. This is also why I have such a hard time dating. I take rejection as a total judgement of myself. What is wierd is that I've never really had a hard time being alone. That is not why abandonment scares me so much. It is the rejection that bothers me the most. <P>"This will sound cliche, but love is a choice. It is the choice to put the needs of your spouse ahead of yours even when you don't feel like it. It is the choice to do what is right even when you don't feel like it."<BR>I totally agree with you, so maybe I do know what love is. On the other hand, we at MB get very wrapped up on the meeting needs thing. While I know that is very important, I still think love is more than that. When alot of people first "fall in love" they unconsciously meet each other's needs. It does not require a huge effort or leap of faith to "meet needs" at that point. However, when things get harder or outside life intrudes into a relationship, it is not as easy to meet needs. People change too, so the needs change too. This is the stage where alot of people tend to throw in the towel. So, my definition of love has to include making a choice to continue acting in a loving way and having the will to meet the needs of your spouse, even if yours are not being met. <P>I've done that. Of course, not perfectly, but I'm feeling now that I've been used because my focus has been on meeting the needs of my ex's, to the exclusion of my own many times. Both of my ex's (IMO) thought love was about feelings, not about choices and the will to act loving in spite of adversity. I admit, I failed to act in a loving way when I cheated. However, I believe my confession and the things I did to try and restore our marriage was an act of love. <P>Thank you for your insights, ZAPFT. I think something that hit home is what you said about a "decent guy".

Student,<P>Do you see a common thread here? You are worthy of love.<P>I have nothing else to add to the words of these men to you. <P>See, there are good men out there. I knew it!! You are meeting some here, and they aren't alone... <P>You are worthy of love Student. Mushy as it all is, you are worthy.<P>Have a lovely Wednesday...<P>Sheryl

TS, <P>Just some thoughts of mine:<P>IMO, I don't think I would/could ever have a future relationship with a guy who had not had what I call "blows to the head" (as a figure of speech). Life changing/altering events that test every part of what and who you are. You are high on my list of people I find most interesting to read the views of, not only because of your sorrows (some we share identically) but that you are still HERE, alive, breathing, learning, teaching. Character builders.<P>As my best friend has told me (more than once) "nobody can beat you up better than yourself". Meaning ME, not a generalization. I too share many of your views... one being, who would want me knowing the truths of me? Maybe I'll never know, maybe I will but until then..... I'm in awe of what and who you are by what I've read! Thank you for the gut wrenching, thought provoking insight into my own life. The cold winter nights alone will just have to "be" for another season of my life and that is not all bad, I've got some more learning about myself to do.<P>Peace and comfort to you,<BR>Ragamuffin<P>

TS,<P>Not much time as it's my lunch hour. Just wanted to say keep on keeping on sister.<P>Love ya,<P>Bill