<br>I got the question last night. I came home late from a meeting and we had time up without the kids. But istead of having a good conversation he asked the question. I said I'm pretty happy (trying to avoid the relationship aspect). We talk a bit about my meds, then he wants to know how happy I am with him. I tell Ihim I could be happier, and he is shocked. He thinks ALL is WELL. Cause he's happy. Our relationshop has hardley improved AT ALL. He thinks all is fine cause I don't have to drag myself out of bed anymore. I explained that I am fine but our relationship is just where it was before the depression. And he is still toatlly shocked. What do I do??? I am so SICK of being the whiney wife who is never happy. (but I think I' ve been acting fine--and he would have thought so too if he hadn't asked me the question) What do I do, surely I don't lie and say all is well when it isn't. But I also don't want to re-hash this and never take any action. <br>Hey you guys---thanks for putting up with me---arent you glad you don't live with me?? But really I'd appreciate any input.

I'm sure you've probably posted the answer to my question somewhere - probably in response to one of my posts - but are you in counseling? Are the two of you going together? If not, it sounds like you should.<p>You sound like my husband is why I ask. He's not happy. He loves me, but he doesn't know if he can or even if he wants to be happy with me. We have our first session together Tuesday evening and I'm on pins and needles in anticipation.

GBM,<p>I've talked a lot on this forum about what I see as some female characteristics. One thing about us men is that if we feel we are doing ok (which we can do as long as there is one chair in the house and the light in the fridge still comes on when you open the door)<br>then we think everybody else is ok if there is no external bleeding. I don't know what that is about us, but that's how too many of us seem to be. Sounds like you're married to a typical guy. I was pretty much the same way.<br>But, as you can tell from my posts, I've been blasted out of hibernation. I don't know what that will take for your husband, but I hope he'll be able to use this crossroads in your relationship to re-evaluate.

GBM,<p>I've talked a lot on this forum about what I see as some female characteristics. One thing about us men is that if we feel we are doing ok (which we can do as long as there is one chair in the house and the light in the fridge still comes on when you open the door)<br>then we think everybody else is ok if there is no external bleeding. I don't know what that is about us, but that's how too many of us seem to be. Sounds like you're married to a typical guy. I was pretty much the same way.<br>But, as you can tell from my posts, I've been blasted out of hibernation. I don't know what that will take for your husband, but I hope he'll be able to use this crossroads in your relationship to re-evaluate.

Patient--No at this time we are not in counseling. I was and thought it was helpful, then I got him to go and he hated the whole experience (he thought she was being unfairly biased toward me) and we stopped going. Then in desperation I went to another (a man this time), he recommended Dr. Harley's books. I haven't been back to him, and really didn't go enough to get a clear cut solution or even know what exactly was our problem. I know my husband will NOT go back unless I am threatening to leave the house (and i am no longer at that point). He also doesn't really even me to go now. He thinks it's a waste of money and that they just scr*** the relationship more. Also----good luck Tuesday, I understand your feelings of anticipation. Hope it works out for you.<p>Bruce---<br>Yeah--I kind of figured that with him too. (even tho I CAN'T believe he'd be SO blind after these last few years.). But as a guy what do you want to hear (if you'd ask that question) Do you think I should be telling him the truth? (to try to fix the situation) or should I lie (to keep him happy) <br>In the past I have been VERY explicit in what kind of things I expected from my husband. But he'll read the letter and that's the last of it. <br>Thanks anyway you guys for answering me. I seem to be getting depressed over the whole situation I realy appreciate your support and input.<p>[This message has been edited by GBM (edited 12-04-98).]

GBM,<p>I think you should tell him the heart rending truth. No matter what happens he will never be able to say he didn't know.<br>My wife kept things in for years. Some things I had a general awareness of, others I was totally ignorant of. If she had been as point blank truthful with me a few a couple of years ago as she was a few months ago we might have avoided this.<br>But I can't be fully sure of that. Hindsight, as you know, is always 20/20. Perhaps I would have been stubborn as well. I wouldn't put it past me.<br>When a man, or anyone for that matter, keeps side stepping or avoiding the implications of the obvious it can only mean they have some destructive interest in maintaining a blind spot. I don't know what that would be in your husband's case, but I would not be surprised if it's a common thing since so much of what we read here runs common from case to case.

GBM,<p>I have faced that question three times now in the last nine months. Everytime I have been brutely honest with him. I have told him that no I am not happy with how the relationship is. He was shocked everytime. I would then ask him why he thought things were better. He said it was because I seemed happy. I would tell him that I was happy with myself but I was not happy with the relationship. I refuse to go around moping over the relationship, life goes on. My therapist told me that some spouses never see it even after they have been left. I don't think hiding it is the way. Don't hide anything, but you can say it without being whiney. Just say it and move on. Don't dwell on it. State the facts as they are. My thoughts are with you always and I hope for better things to come your way. <p>Steph

It is so funny to me! We have been having problems for about 2 years, and fights and arguments are just a normal part of our life now. In October when I really told him how unhappy I am and that I was not in love with him (and hadn't been for years), he was so shocked! <p>We almost separated this summer, and have really tried to work on it. I tried to treat sex as a purely physical thing instead of emotional one, and so our sex life was very full and wonderful for him. So his most important need was being met, while he did not make a very big effort on my needs. My unhappiness level stayed the same (and actually eroded a bit as I began to feel like I was "irresponsible, stupid, but a really great piece of a**!") So when I told him how I actually felt, his response was "But I thought everything was fine now!"<p>Sometimes it is wild how different men and women can be. Bruce really hit the nail on the head!<p>I sometimes feel like the whiny wife too -- "Poor Maria is never happy and poor hubby has to always try to change and make her happy." It is a hard role to play. It is hard sometimes to be selfish and hold out for our own personal happiness and inner peace.<p>Keep holding out though. We deserve to be happy. And maybe our husbands do, too. It is hard to find a way for it to happen for us all sometimes.<p>Maria

GBM,<br>Many times over the course of my marriage have I asked my wife that question. In the past two years, I got answers that said she was not happy with some things in her life, but our relationship, and marriage, were good. That she still loved me, and always would. <br>How I would have preferred honesty. Yes, I too thought things were fine. There was food on the table, clothes on the kids. And, my wife told me that things were fine. <br>The way I found out otherwise was discovering her affair. <br>As much as it may hurt him, your husband has the right to know how you really feel. It may shock him. After all, it appears that his needs are being met. He has to be made aware that yours are not.<br>Maybe now is the time for joint counseling?

GBM <p>For what it's worth, my husband and I were specifically told by each of our therapists that a third counselor was the way to go. That will not doubt relieve the bias factor.<p>Maria <p>You really hit a nerve about it being hard to selfish and holding out for your own happiness and inner peace. I have to take issue, though. <p>I am hearing the same thing from my husband. He tells me that for the past 10 years he's been putting other people first, but in reality I have seen nothing but selfishness and his running away from responsibility. And I did everything I could to take the load off him thinking it would make (whatever) easier on him. And while I never attempted to "reign him in", I resented his doing it and resented my seeming inability to do anything about it.<p>Looking back over the past five years, it seems to me that the ONLY way to come to terms with anything is to get it out in the open, address it and work together to find solutions. I can't say we've done that yet, but at least now we seem to be communicating, something we never learned how to do. And I've had to hear a lot of things that I wish I didn't have to hear. But he has to say them and I have to hear them.<p>Keeping it inside is not the answer. But neither is running away from it. I told my husband's therapist (who is also my son's therapist) just this morning that there are four other people involved here that my husband MUST take into consideration. He is not the only one affected by whatever is going on here. He's been so self-absorbed lately that I am concerned that he's convinced himself that it's okay to sacrifice the rest of us for what he perceives as "happiness". (He made me stop right there - I'm not supposed to be telling this to him. I know that, but I couldn't resist.)

Thanks all for answering. To clarify---I've never told him that I am happy when I'm not. But I am getting sick of saying no. He wants details, for instances, and asks a hundred other questions. Anymore, I try to cut the conversation off. We've been over it a million times only for him to say--I'll never be that kind of person, you need to accept me the way I am. (which I then reply--then you need to accept that I won't be happy in a marraige like that)<br>Patient--that would be a good solution to the problem, but he doesn't want to pay for one therapist, let alone three!!

GBM-<br>I get that response all of the time. "I can't change the basic fundamental way I am. This will never work out, so why are we going to all of this trouble/expense/heartache? I just might as well leave."<p>Abd then 10 minutes later "I'm so sorry baby. I will do whatever it takes to keep you. I can change." etc. etc. etc.<p>And then 15 minutes later "This will never work....."<p>My H also thinks that it is a sign of weakness to let others know of yoru problems. The anon. of this site is just about the only reason why I am here. None of my friends or family know any of this, altho our closest friends know that something is wrong but not the extent.<p>Testosterone is hard to deal with sometimes!!

Maria,<br>My wife is very much like that. She tells me that she feels people can't change, and we don't have any chance. Then, she will say we need more time to give ourselves a chance. I think it is confusion and desperation.<br>Patient,<br>My wife's therapist also suggests a third, non-biased, therapist. But, my wife is not willing to go with me, yet.<br>GBM,<br>I posted this on another topic. But, my wife DID lie to me when I asked about her happiness. She said she "spared" me the pain. I guess she spared me enough until she had an affair.<br>

Maria,<br>That kind of attitude change would drive me nuts. That's when I would stop taking anything he said seroiously. Hope you can work through that.