First let me say that I have read many posts in this forum before deciding to post. I am currently in therapy (every two weeks) with a marriage counselor but only I am going (wife refused to go). I enjoy reading your posts and responses very much, it has taken time for me to decide to write this so here it goes...<p>About 1 month ago my wife asked me to leave the house. She did this in a letter. There were many reasons that she wanted me to leave...no emotional support, my problem with bottling up when there are problems, money (i'm very bad with it) and debt, no help around the house or with kids. I was the model husband...NOT! Well, for financial reasons I am unable to leave, I have written her a letter back and asked to stay, I am still in the house. For about a month I slept on the couch, now, I am back in the bed, but there is nothing happening there except for sleep. Her Father Died 3 weeks ago from complications with Brain Tumors...so I know she is grieving. I'm trying very hard to change my ways, but i'm getting NO response whatsoever from her on this. She's said she wants to stay together for the children through the Christmas season but is not sure what's going to happen after that. We have two children, ages 8 and 6 so I think she's doing that to try to not hurt the children. Lately, working with the counselor, i'm trying to be more helpful around the house, work with homework and kids, make sure to tuck the children in and say goodnight, making connections with the family as often as possible, offering to help when I remember. All things that the counselor has told me that I need to do to be a part of the family. I'm getting no response though, and it only pisses her if I ask her how she feels about my changes...not sure...need to sign off now, any ideas or help appreciated!

Wes<p>All I can really advise is to keep it up. Don't expect her to respond, much less acknowledge that she even notices. You can't expect years of behavior to be erased in three weeks.<p>I understand your frustration. I'm going through it myself. At least he and I are going to counseling together and separately (together once with another appt. scheduled for next week). <p>Keep up the counseling on your own for now. Eventually she's bound to see the changes you are making. But, once she responds you have to guard against going back to your old behavior. Good luck to you.

Wes,<p>If you've read the posts you know that I and others are going through situations similar to yours.<br>For now keep going to counseling. Do EVERYTHING you can to help the family like a man should. Expect nothing from your wife. Don't ask her about your changes. Let her see them for herself. Don't smother her, you'll just drive her away. Get used to being alone. Use it to better yourself.<br>This will be difficult as we can all attest. But no one has found a quick way out. Check in here, talk, read, whatever you can to help improve yourself. Take it a step at a time and try not to be too hard on yourself.<br>People on this forum are great. Interact as much as you need to. Take care.

Wow! Thanks so much for the quick replies. Tonight I was late coming home from work so the kids were almost ready for bed and wife was about to call it a night. Tried to talk briefly about her day and all she said was that it was long and bad...tucked kids in bed and now i'm on here looking at these replies. I guess i'll go into a little more background if I may...<p>We've been married going on 10 years (in May)...We got married young, I was 21, she was 20...married because she was pregnant with our first child. 2nd child came 2 years later. She says she knows that we've had good times but i've also given her a lot of bad times. The therapist told me I should have left when she asked me to but as I said before, I don't have enough money to leave and have no family here where I live. It's nice to be back in the bedroom but the sex is not there and miss that a lot...going from quite often to nothing is very hard. I'm trying not to be so "me, me, me" because that's what she says some of the problem is, always thinking about myself and not the family. Almost everything I say to her she can make it sound like i'm only thinking about myself, well, I probably am. But that's what the therapist is for, helping me to find out what my problem is. I truly WANT to be a better husband and father, I truly WANT this marriage to work. But doesn't it take two to tango?

Wes,<p>Yes it takes two to tango but your wife wants to make sure that you really want to dance before she joins in. Keep up the good work. Stay consistent in your help and let your wife see the changes that you are making. When you ask her it's like you are telling her how good you are. Don't tell her, let her see it. We all know that this is a long slow process so give it the time it needs and deserves. Focus on the good times and help her to remember them. Good Luck. <p>Steph

Be patient! Keep it up. It takes time. A lot of time. It probably still feels like you're playing with her...changing only to not have to move out. She won't let her guard down until she is confident that you have change permanently and won't go back to the old you if she lets her guard down. Definitely DON'T comment about you changing...it DOES look like you're saying "Hey look at me! Look how good I am!" While you are being patient read Dr. Williard's books. If you can't afford them, read the website or check them out at the library.<p>Also, for help with your debt, read "Debt Free Living" by Larry Burkett. Wonderful book that helps us out of debt, manage our money wisely and become financially comfortable without making more money.

Be patient! Keep it up. It takes time. A lot of time. It probably still feels like you're playing with her...changing only to not have to move out. She won't let her guard down until she is confident that you have change permanently and won't go back to the old you if she lets her guard down. Definitely DON'T comment about you changing...it DOES look like you're saying "Hey look at me! Look how good I am!" While you are being patient read Dr. Williard's books. If you can't afford them, read the website or check them out at the library.<p>Also, for help with your debt, read "Debt Free Living" by Larry Burkett. Wonderful book that helps us out of debt, manage our money wisely and become financially comfortable without making more money.

Wes,<p>Be patient. Make sure you've eliminated all your 'lovebusters'. See if she can help you identify them (in case you're not sure) with a love busters questionnaire. If she can't, eliminate the ones you know are a problem.<p>Then try to meet emotional needs that are 'safe' for you to meet. Helping around the house and with the kids are very big, I'm sure.<p>Don't try to assess your progress after every act, or every day, or week. You need to establish a good track record with your wife: consistancy is the key to this. I WAS a 'model husband' to most who knew me, but not to my wife. Through her affair it took me a full year of this to show her that I truly could change and had her best interests at heart. It'll take time to learn these new habits, but I would bet you'll see progress in 6 months.

Wes,<p>Something else to be aware of: If you keep up the good work, take it day by day, eventually your wife is going to do something positive like give you a real hug, kiss you, tell you she loves you and she's sorry--something that will make you feel like the luckiest man alive again. But then the next day, she's going to say she still doesn't know how she feels about you.<p>This is the "emotional rollercoaster" you hear so many people mention.<p>So, enjoy the peaks, but brace your heart for the dips that will surely accompany them. Open up completely to her, but don't totally let down your guard no matter how good things seem, or that next dip might knock you out.<p>During the dips, take comfort from the fact that there'll be more peaks soon, and that your relationship is farther along the road to better, even if the current day feels tons worse than the previous one.<br>