I've been divorced about six months and am moving on with my life. My wife initiated the divorce ... there's plenty of blame to go around, but I feel greatly wronged. Recently, I weaned myself from an anti-depressant, and while I was doing so latent thoughts of revenge (all nonviolent, but career and family-shattering ) coursed through my mind. Ultimately, I resisted (well, for the moment, anyway -- I haven't thrown away the tools, and there is unfinished business that needs to be done in a way that satisfies me lest temptation resurface). It made me curious. <P>Leaving aside petty, day-to-day acts of obstreprerousness, etc., how many here have been on the giving or receiving end of *REVENGE* . What worked? What misfired? What boomeranged?<P>Just as an aside, what helped me to resist was the suggestion I got elsewhere to pray for the target's well-being, no matter how grudgingly or feebly. The person who suggested it had needed three weeks for it to take away the desire for revenge. For me it worked in under a day.<P>I can't think that I would have been wracked with guilt if I had carried out what I planned, but I can see that it could have created an escalating war, and any chance of a reconciliation (not that there really is one) would have been long gone.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited December 15, 2000).]

Do you have children? If you do any kind of revenge will indirectly hurt them the most. I've seen what bitterness does to my ex husband. It's extremely ugly and in the end it all back fired on him.

BonnieSept,<P>How has it backfired on your ex?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BonnieSept:<BR><B>Do you have children?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No kids. The pain would be hers and her adult family's (well, it might create an additional divorce that would hurt a child, but it's a long story and that child and others might actually be protected by the theoretical consequences of my action).<P>

I'vve been on the recieving end of revenge and to tell you the truth it hurts like hell. Especially since I was sincerely remorseful (One Night Stand). I feel that he had the opportunity to leave but instead he stayed to make my life a living hell. Maybe part of it, I deserved, but not for over two years. Don't get me wrong, I thank GOd for the opportunity he gave me to prove to him my love for him was real, but in essence, after the fact, he never let me back in. I wished he'd left when I told him. I was so prepared for it then. But now after two years, three revenge affairs, and another child of ours, its so overwhelming. It hurts to bad. I still love him, but I'm at the end of my rope and have to just let go. <P>Revenge only lasts for a moment. Then in order to regain that feeling, oyu have to do it again to hurt them, then again and again. And if there are any chances for reconciliation, which is always possible, then in taking revenge, would only make matter worse.<P>Hope this helped...<P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Sisyphus,<P>Revenge is like you taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.<P>I was told this when I first started recovery<BR>and have found it to be very true.<P>I guess it is like picking at a scab... it takes longer to heal. <BR>gentle

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gentle:<BR><B>Revenge is like you taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.<P>I guess it is like picking at a scab... it takes longer to heal.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Believe me when I tell you this revenge would have been devastating (at least in the short term ... I can actually see now that holding off and allowing things to take their natural course might be far worse for her ... so then there is this question of whether in some screwy way I might have wanted to *help*). <P>And while I was contemplating this revenge I had no real *desire* to heal (at least not through my own internal processes ... could I really have thought that simply seeing my ex and her family in pain would magically heal me?).<P>And yet an element of what people respect in others is power and the will to use it ... and part of that is that the powerful person is not to be trifled with. Revenge still has its appeal ... I certainly haven't handed over the items that I could use. I don't feel so clingy toward them any more, but they're not out of my possession, and I just don't want to give them up yet. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited December 18, 2000).]

"Believe me when I tell you this revenge would have been devastating"<P>Oh well, good for you. You've got some weapon to use against someone you claimed to love at one time. Not only that, it will be a warning to any future person what you will do if they risk giving you any knowledge about themselves and they are so "foolish" to "trifle" with your bad-*ss self. <P>Go ahead and use it. It will only confirm in her mind and others who witness your act of retribution why cheating on you wasn't such a bad thing after all.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TheStudent:<BR><B>Go ahead and use it. It will only confirm in her mind and others who witness your act of retribution why cheating on you wasn't such a bad thing after all. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Well, she never cheated on me (to my knowledge, unless you want to count what I believe was an "Emotional Affair" early in our marriage. I didn't recognize that such a thing was wrong at that time, and I don't think it ever got physical--but how would I know?).<P>And again, there is nothing attractive to me about "fresh" potential acts of "vengeance" that wouldn't have problematic aspects in not taking those acts. <P>I'm not dreaming up new stuff. I'm stuck with a couple of albatrosses that can't be unloaded without *hurting* her (well, I could give her one of the things, but it doesn't belong to her [not that it belongs to me either]). I was actually about to send the latter to her in a spirit of Christmas charity when she blew me off about sending me her new address, and suggested I send things for her to her office (which is exactly where this particular thing would destroy her career, assuming someone other than her got ahold of it). I'm not about to say, "Oh, well it's, y'know, that CD-ROM, y'know, why don't we make some safer arrangements for that." No, I'll just sit on it, and stay p*ssed off, and one more straw...<P>

Sisyphus,<P>I know you have a great big hurt inside yourself right now, and only time will help. How many times have we heard the cliches?<P>What goes around, comes around.<P>He answers evil with evil, and evil never leaves his household.<P>Nothing really new, don't know if you ever read Shakespeare or not, but there is that nagging one liner from Hamlet, "hoist by his own pitar!" It means getting blown to bits by your own bomb.<P>Don't worry about whether or not revenge is going to backfire, that is already a given. If you set out to dig a ditch for someone, you might just as well dig one for yourself right beside it. It isn't a matter of whether or not you are going in it, only a matter of when.<P>Maybe it's time to get out and start rebuilding your life, meeting new people, and having a little fun.<P>Bumper

Amen to The Student! It must be an awfully huge responsibility to be perfect.<P>

The quote is "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Makes a difference.<P>Maybe the best revenge is that she will always wonder if or when you will use the evidence against her.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by KalGrl:<BR><B>Maybe the best revenge is that she will always wonder if or when you will use the evidence against her.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First, it must dawn on her that I possess it. It may be a long time before she thinks about it (unless, of course, it arrives in her boss's mail). If she knew I had it, she would wheedle it out of me.<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tired Lady:<BR><B>Amen to The Student! It must be an awfully huge responsibility to be perfect.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You can't have read all the posts or you would show more sympathy for my struggle with this issue. <P>But I do want to thank The Student, even though I'm not happy with what he said. I hadn't thought about that Emotional Affair in a long time, and it's an issue I need to deal with in my own mind. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bumperii:<BR><B>Nothing really new, don't know if you ever read Shakespeare or not, but there is that nagging one liner from Hamlet, "hoist by his own pitar!" It means getting blown to bits by your own bomb.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Funny you should say that. She made this particular bomb, not I. It's not my item. I just happen to have possession of it because we both happen to have forgotten it, and I happened to wind up with it.<P>

Sisyphus:<P>I appoligize if I seemed insensitive. However, I have been there. I did something VERY vinctive, and purely evil to my stbx who has posted here under the name Exhausted Man. I purposely wrote a letter and sent it to his work, (also the employer of his now fiance) knowing the secretary would open it and blab it for all to know. She was known for her "mouth". In the end, it only slightly embarrassed them, but it truely put me in an ugly light with my ex. Unlike how vindictive I was, he could have told our children about my behavior but chose to be better than that. I've learned my lessons the hard way. As much as I hurt, and hated the affair he had and now has grown into a committment, I realized I contributed very much to the destruction and ending of our marriage.

Sisyphus,<P>Does it really matter who made the bomb if you are the one holding it in your lap?<P>We used to have a chemist that enjoyed making things that blow up, not big things, just minor explosions. One of these toys went off in his lap and blew a little somethng off. Turned him into a soprano so to speak, probably screwed up his whole weekend.<P>Upon hearing the story, the chief chemist remarked that this guy used poor technique.<P>Bumper

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tired Lady:<BR><B>I purposely wrote a letter and sent it to his work, (also the employer of his now fiance) knowing the secretary would open it and blab it for all to know. In the end, it only slightly embarrassed them, but it truely put me in an ugly light with my ex. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Too bad yours wasn't effective. <P>Well, I have almost decided to send what I possess to her jerk father, whose address I *do* have, along with passing along the other "secret" - which is something he should know that she didn't tell him years ago. It's not her misconduct, but she doesn't want him to know it, for reasons of keeping peace within the family. Yet while it lies buried, it endangers innocents. If he does nothing with it either, any consequences are on both their *ahem* consciences and not mine.<P>If I do things that way, I'm rid of the cursed object, but I at least get half a loaf, in that I unberden myself of the other secret in a way that it's clear my intent is not entirely mischievous.<P>But the other rub is that today I learned that she still hasn't mailed our '99 1040 (a few days ago I thought she had finally done so--at least an e-mail from her led me to believe that); and I'll get a $4k or so direct-deposit refund from it that will largely defray what she owes me in the divorce (and there are signatures for other purposes I still haven't gotten -- she still owns my '92 MX-3, for example [there was some swapping around before the marriage went wrong so that she could have a new Saab Convertible]). <P>Antagonize her too much and I'll rot in hell before she does what she's supposed to. I could openly blackmail her, but it would likely be harder on her than just using the stuff outright, and I can't imagine how much she would harass me. So again, I'm kind of stuck.

hmmm, <P>There's a lot of anger here. <P>Revenge is not a discipline best executed with passion. A true professional dispatches his enemies with complete and utter emotional detachment.<P>Just a thought...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited December 19, 2000).]

Sisyphus:<P>I know you've been reading my posts so you know how angry I am right now. But I just spent a weekend watching my relationship with H (the amicable part where we could still work together in person for the sake of our children), go up in flames because I went to his parents and one friend and told them about H's affair. I honestly did it with two intentions in my heart - 1) to get rid of the lies that had been surrounding his behavior and his ability to use people unknowingly as an alibi for his whereabouts and 2) - this is the psuedo-revenge part - so that people would stop feeling sorry for him because his "marriage just didn't work out" which is what he's been telling people. I wanted them to know he SCREWED our marriage with intent. And I felt pretty darn justified in my actions. Still do.<P>BUT (and this part hurts to admit), part of me wishes I'd never even found out the truth, because a blind Plan A felt much better (positive interaction with my spouse, positive relationship between us and the kids, positive relationship with in-laws and friends) than the bitter Plan B'er I am now (the truth is really setting me free - flinging me out there actually). His parents don't want to hear from me because I make them face the fact that their son is not what he put himself out to be, our mutual friends feel caught in the middle, and he's so ticked at having been "exposed" that he's resorted to wild accusations meant to crush my spirit and humiliate me.<P>Did my "revenge" work? Well, his affair is definitely outed. He's embarrassed and will be judged by some. But HE doesn't feel the pain I wanted him to feel (my feelings of rejection) because he has never been betrayed. Bottom line, I can't make him empathize with my feelings because he is incapable of feeling any emotion that might cause discord with his rationalizations for his affair.<P>So I feel worse, he feels more justified. Sisyphus - revenge sucks. Just put the CD and whatever else you have in an envelope for her, seal it, mark it private, and send it to her work. It's the high road (Yes, Cooker, I read your posts!) and I promise you will feel better for it.<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.